Journey to Faith

Journey to Faith
Follow your own path

Friday, October 23, 2015

Why You Should Say "No" to Your Adult Children

Grandparents raising their grandkids. Adult children moving back in with their parents. Parents continuing to pay for their grown children's expenses. Thirty and forty year olds still living with Mom. Any of these sound familiar? I see more and more of these situations and it pains me so much I decided to write a post on the issue.

It's normal for parents to want to help out their kids - to a point. After that point, it becomes an issue of enabling. There I said it. As a recovering codependent, it took me many years to learn this lesson. "I'm just trying to help her". "But he's in ______ (you fill in the blank) trouble/jail/rehab again." "He's my son, for heaven's sake. I can't just let him _____".
Yes, I hear you. It is tough to say no to your kids, but at some point, we are no longer helping them, we are preventing them from taking responsibility for their own choices. In reality, we are hindering them from becoming the responsible adults they are intended to be.


This is not a new problem. In fact, it's been around since ancient times. You know how people say the Bible is irrelevant and outdated? Well, let me share a story and then see what you think.

So you probably have heard of David, of David and Goliath fame, yes? You know how he slayed the giant with a slingshot and a few stones and then went on to become king of Israel after many years of being chased by sour grapes king Saul. Well, King David had several sons. One of them, Amnon, raped his half-sister, Tamar. However, the Bible and the Dead Sea scrolls record that although David was angered, he did nothing about it (2 Sam 13:21) "because he loved him as he was his first-born son." So Absalom, another of David's sons, took things into his own hands, and had Amnon murdered. Again, David did nothing. After several years of separation, David allowed Absalom to come back home. And what did Absalom do then? Plot to overthrow his father, the King, that's what. Long story short, it wasn't until David was on his death-bed that he finally had the courage to stand up to his sons and declare Solomon as his heir.

One of the lessons in this timeless story is that even the best of parents can be too lenient on their adult children. Years of dysfunction, hostility, and hatred resulted because David refused to say no to Amnon's behavior. This story is a warning to parents. We must learn to say "No" to our adult children. In other words, we must learn to put our foot down and say "Enough is enough." Mothers are especially guilty of this because we love so much and perhaps, dare I say, we may lack the courage to stand up to the men in our lives.

Here are a few lessons I have learned and for you to consider if you find yourself in a similar situation:
1) Realize our children are adults first, relatives second. Treat your adult child as you would any other non-related adult.
2) Break the habit of saying "Yes" sooner, rather than later.
3) Realize you are enabling your child, rather than helping him/her to grow up.
4) Loving your kids means teaching them responsibility, not dependency.
5) Supportive means emotionally, not financially after age 30 or maybe even sooner.

Sometimes the hardest choices we make have to do with our own family members. But remember what Jesus said when asked who were his brothers and sisters and mother. His reply was "Those who do the will of my Father." Doing the right thing is usually the hardest thing to do.

I'd like to hear your thoughts on this issue. What situation have you encountered when you have said "Yes" when you really should have said "No"? How did you feel after? What can you do differently next time?

For your free copy of my "7 Steps to Finding Your Spiritual Path" enter your email in the box and I'll get it right out to you.

With love and encouragement remember to keep the faith and keep looking up! Everything works for our good.


Ariel Paz



Saturday, October 17, 2015

One Thing Missing from the Law of Attraction

What is it that you want to "attract" into your life today? Riches? Love? A bigger home or a new car? Better health? What will you do to get these things? Work more hours? Join an internet dating site? Think positive thoughts?

There are many belief systems out there that tell us how to receive the desires of our hearts. One of them is called "The law of attraction" which gained immense popularity in 2006 with the book entitled "The Secret". The basic premise of the book is that we can attract whatever we desire in our lives simply by thinking about it. The book promises that by focusing on the object of our desires, things such as money and relationships will "magically" appear in our lives.

The interesting thing is this book has sold over 6 million copies in many different languages and has spawned a whole series of books along these lines. Millions of people adhere to this concept. The law of attraction is a modern twist on the "The Power of Positive Thinking", a classic book by Norman Vincent Peale with one major difference. 
 
Last weekend I was visiting the mall and decided to have my hair straightened at one of those kiosks that sell flat irons. So there I am in the chair ready to be beautified when the young lady straightening my hair, perhaps 20 maybe 22 years of age, starts asking about my relationship status. I don't know why, but people always seem to be very interested in that topic for some reason.

"I'm single," I replied.

"Well, you need to start thinking about Mr. Wonderful and start expecting him to appear at any moment."

She's talking about Faith - believing in what has not yet been seen. I smiled.

But no, during the entire conversation there was not one mention of God. She went on to explain to me about how the law of attraction works. Now I am somewhat familiar with the concept and what struck me was the fact that she was the  second gal I had met in the past two weeks who believed in the law of attraction. Was I attracting these people to me, I wondered? Or vice versa? Was I supposed to talk to them about God? God seems to have a funny way of matching me up with people who don't believe in Him like Buddhists, fallen away Jews, etc. Anyway.

Now I am all for thinking positive thoughts, believe me. In fact, scripture exhorts us to think on good things: "Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable--if anything is excellent or praiseworthy--think about such things." (Phil 4:8). So in that regard, the law of attraction is in agreement with scripture.

However, one key ingredient that the law of attraction seems to be missing is the importance of God. God has the starring role in our blessings. James 1:17 says "Every good and perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of the heavenly lights,".  Notice the word "every" and then notice the word "Father".

We are all on our own path and we each have our own journey in life. So who is to say, perhaps when we think more positively we do attract more good things into our lives. But could it be because God is rewarding us for changing our thinking? On the other hand, how many people have thought about winning the lottery but have yet to do so? So we cannot say that the law of attraction works every time, can we?

So now I ask you - do you believe in the law of attraction? Do you believe that simply by thinking about your desires they will appear in your life?Or do you believe that there is a God who wants the best for us and is more than willing to bless his children according to his will for our lives? I would love to hear what you have to say about this topic.

If you'd like to receive your free guide entitled "7 Steps to Finding Your Spiritual Path" please enter your email in the box to the right. It is what I call a non-denominational guide for anyone who'd like to seek and grow their spiritual life.

 Until next time, keep looking up and remember - good things happen to those who wait upon the Lord.

Ariel










Friday, October 2, 2015

How to Communicate with a Difficult Family Member

Ever wonder why you were born into your family? Why you can't seem to get along with a particular relative? Or avoid certain people because you can't see eye to eye? Do you keep attracting the same type of people into your life? Difficulties in relationships are normal. In fact, to a greater degree than we realize, conflicts and misunderstandings are meant to teach us something, if we take the time to seek out the lesson. If not, we will keep encountering the same types of people. Ever notice that? How then to deal with these difficult people in our lives so we can have more peace and less frustration?

I know what you're thinking - avoid them - that's the easy answer. As in most situations in life, the easy answer is usually not the best answer. It is easy to blame the other person or say "We just don't get along". It takes effort to get to the root cause of the difficulty and then try to find a solution. But if we want to preserve our relationships, and family relationships should be preserved, if I dare say so, we have to put some work into them. The good news is this means we are going to grow. I also believe growth is the primary reason we have difficult relationships. If we got along with everybody, we would have no need to change, right? Let me give you a recent example of a situation that happened with my mom and see if you can relate.

My mom is 86 years old and lives by herself in a big house a plane ride away out of state. After a recent incident that happened when she was getting out of the pool, I thought it might be time to have the "maybe you should consider selling the house" conversation. Now my intentions were out of pure concern for her well-being. I know what it's like to have to take care of a house all by yourself and she is 86! I tried to help her see the benefits of downsizing while she is still in relatively good health but by the tone and volume of her voice, it was clear she was not keen on the idea. Then she says she felt like I was pressuring her. Now I know I can get passionate about things, especially when it comes to people I care about so perhaps that came through and was misinterpreted. For some reason, I didn't realize it was time to disengage. The frustration level was rising because I felt she didn't understand that I was sincerely trying to help her. Let's just say the conversation was not very productive and I'm sure both of us were equally frustrated. Ever have a conversation that went like this?

Of course, we all have. So what to do about it to prevent a future recurrence? Here are 5 take-aways on how to handle difficult conversations:


1) When the other person's voice is going up, speak in an equally quiet tone to deescalate the emotion.

2) When having a "crucial conversation" be sure to keep my emotions under control even if attacked.

3) Realize no one wants to be told what to do at any age.

4) Make the suggestion and then let it drop. Don't keep giving more reasons for my side of the issue.

5) Take some time off to cool down and think things through rationally.

Life will continue to present us with challenging situations otherwise known as opportunities for growth. So when we blow it one day, remember tomorrow is a new day. Forgive yourself, forgive the other person, and take the time to understand how the situation could have been handled differently. Life is a school and we are here to learn.

Who in your circle is difficult to deal with? Do you avoid this person at all costs or simply maintain a casually cool relationship with them? How could you interact with this person differently and more lovingly? In the end, learning to love one another is what all of this is about. How can I be kind in this situation? How can I show this person love and respect?

If this post has resonated with you or has been helpful, please post a comment below and click the +1 google icon at the top. If you'd like to receive your free copy of my mini e-book entitled "7 Steps to Finding Your Spiritual Path" enter your email address in the box to the right.

Until next time, keep looking up!

Ariel