Studies show that couples who are able to resolve conflict are the ones who are able to maintain their marriages. Relationship expert, John Gottman, talks about this in his book "The 7 Principles for Making Marriage Work".
Here are 7 practical steps to help you deal with conflict and enjoy more rewarding relationships.
1. Pay Attention to your Feelings
It's taken me years to get in touch with my feelings. My mother always told me I was "too sensitive". I learned to push them down and ignore them which is both unhealthy and unproductive. Our feelings are trying to send us a message to help and to guide us. If we ignore what we are feeling, we don't receive the message, miss the message and worse, end up making poor decisions we later regret.
At age 20, I ignored the warning signs my body and spirit were sending me and plunged into an emotionally unhealthy and abusive marriage that lasted 15 ugly years. This is what can happen when we ignore our feelings and our gut.
2. Address issues
When we address issues in our interpersonal relationships, we get them out on the table in plain sight. In other words, we bring light to the darkness. Rather than avoid issues and sweep them "under the rug", it is much healthier to deal with them upfront. It is an opportunity for the wounded party to express their feelings and for the other party to change or make amends. Anger often builds because we do not understand why the other person is acting in a certain way. Communication and discussion lead to understanding which is a key component of resolving differences and preserving healthy relationships.
3. Express Your Feelings
Sometimes we are aware of the behavior we want the other person to change and we focus on that, but we forget to explain how the person's behavior makes us feel. Experts instruct us to use "I feel...." statements when we are bringing up issues. "You always..." statements are blaming and unproductive. "I" statements do not indicate self-centeredness. Using the "I" formation keeps us focused on what we are feeling rather than what the other person is doing. The objective is to not put the other person on the defensive. The goal is to communicate and work as a team to resolve the problem. Sadly, this is something many people are not aware of.
4. Recognize when you're at an impasse
Conflict, tension, and anger all tell us that there is a problem in the relationship that needs to be addressed. If we continue to have the same discussion over and over again and nothing changes, we are at an impasse. Don't keep hitting your head against the wall by trying to discuss the same issue over and over. We have no control over whether another person is ready or willing to receive the message we are trying to pass. If time goes on and you're not seeing any changes or progress,
This means either:
1) the other person is not willing to change or
2) the other person is unable to change. They are not at a level of maturity that enables them to be able to change.
If someone truly cares for you and wants to preserve the relationship, he or she will make a reasonable effort to change.
5. Give It Some Space
When we are at an impasse, it is time to take a break from the relationship whatever way you can. If you don't live with the person, don't call them or visit them. I don't care who it is. Parents and children are not exempt from this. Do not feel guilty. You are taking steps to preserve the relationship and your sanity since the other person is not budging. One caveat is we don't know how the other person is going to respond. He or she may completely sever the relationship, but this is out of your control. This means they didn't value it enough in the first place, so you have lost nothing really.
6. Grieve the Loss
This is not an easy pill to swallow. Close relationships are precious. When they don't work out, it is painful and grieving is a necessary part of the process. Allow yourself to feel your grief. It is sad. It is painful. But remember, it will pass. You will move past this.
At some point, you will realize the relationship was not healthy in the first place. Be gentle with yourself during this time and don't be quick to rush into another relationship just because you miss the other person and feel lonely. Give yourself time to heal and to reflect on what could have been done differently on your end so you can move forward in a more healthy manner.
7. Let it Go
There's a song by Sting that says "If you love somebody, set them free". Enjoy the video. This is probably the most loving thing we can do is to stop trying to get another person to change. The only person we can change is ourselves. We may be at a level to be able to address conflict maturely, but the other person may not.
Now I am not saying I have this all down perfectly. I struggle with some things in this area as well but one of the reasons I write these posts is to help me remember these lessons too.
I hope this post has encouraged you and given you some practical ways to address conflict in your relationships. If you enjoyed this post and would like to join our growing community, enter your email address in the box provided. You'll also receive a copy of my free e-guide entitled "7 Steps to Finding Your Spiritual Path".
Stay tuned for more on how to find healing, wholeness, and harmony in your life and your relationshps so you can discover your destiny and live the life you deserve.
Until next time, keep looking up!
Ariel Paz
This means either:
1) the other person is not willing to change or
2) the other person is unable to change. They are not at a level of maturity that enables them to be able to change.
If someone truly cares for you and wants to preserve the relationship, he or she will make a reasonable effort to change.
5. Give It Some Space
When we are at an impasse, it is time to take a break from the relationship whatever way you can. If you don't live with the person, don't call them or visit them. I don't care who it is. Parents and children are not exempt from this. Do not feel guilty. You are taking steps to preserve the relationship and your sanity since the other person is not budging. One caveat is we don't know how the other person is going to respond. He or she may completely sever the relationship, but this is out of your control. This means they didn't value it enough in the first place, so you have lost nothing really.
6. Grieve the Loss
This is not an easy pill to swallow. Close relationships are precious. When they don't work out, it is painful and grieving is a necessary part of the process. Allow yourself to feel your grief. It is sad. It is painful. But remember, it will pass. You will move past this.
At some point, you will realize the relationship was not healthy in the first place. Be gentle with yourself during this time and don't be quick to rush into another relationship just because you miss the other person and feel lonely. Give yourself time to heal and to reflect on what could have been done differently on your end so you can move forward in a more healthy manner.
7. Let it Go
There's a song by Sting that says "If you love somebody, set them free". Enjoy the video. This is probably the most loving thing we can do is to stop trying to get another person to change. The only person we can change is ourselves. We may be at a level to be able to address conflict maturely, but the other person may not.
Now I am not saying I have this all down perfectly. I struggle with some things in this area as well but one of the reasons I write these posts is to help me remember these lessons too.
I hope this post has encouraged you and given you some practical ways to address conflict in your relationships. If you enjoyed this post and would like to join our growing community, enter your email address in the box provided. You'll also receive a copy of my free e-guide entitled "7 Steps to Finding Your Spiritual Path".
Stay tuned for more on how to find healing, wholeness, and harmony in your life and your relationshps so you can discover your destiny and live the life you deserve.
Until next time, keep looking up!
Ariel Paz
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