How to Stay Jolly During the Holidays

The holidays are here and for many it's a time of family, friends, food and fun. But not everyone's life is picture perfect. Not every family gets along. We never know what is going on behind someone's happy facade. One thing that can steal our joy at this time of year is holding on to negative emotions which are fueled by negative thoughts. Anger, resentment, bitterness and hostility can all steal our peace and joy so today I'm sharing on what I have learned about letting go of negative emotions and staying joyful during the holidays and all through the year.

1. Acknowledge our feelings - both positive and negative.
Most of us know when we are feeling good, but many times we ignore or hide the fact that we are feeling angry, upset, anxious, frustrated, sad, lonely, etc. I have a sticky note on my desk that says "How am I feeling?" to remind me to check in with my feelings on a regular basis. After years of being told I was "too sensitive" I learned to bury my feelings which is both destructive and unhealthy as they will come to the surface sooner or later and in the meantime cause us to act out in ways such as overeating, overdrinking, overspending, overreacting, and various other excessive behaviors.

Many times we don't even realize what we are thinking about. Or worse, we project our negative feelings onto an innocent bystander. A simple question might provoke an angry response for no apparent reason. When you respond inappropriately, stop and ask yourself what is really going on.

2.  Identify the root cause.
When we acknowledge we are mad, stressed, sad, frustrated or whatever, we need to figure out the root cause - immediately. What thoughts are we thinking? Don't be too quick to place blame on someone else. We each are responsible for our feelings. "You made me mad..." is a blame tactic. What is it that mad you mad and why? Usually the answer is something deeper such as not feeling respected, heard, appreciated, or understood. Sometimes the cause is as simple as being overly tired or hungry. Remember the acronym HALT and try not to let yourself get too Hungry, Angry, Lonely, or Tired. These condtions are a sure setup for trouble.

3. Talk it out. 
 The best solution I have found is to try and talk it out with the other person, if another person is involved. Text messaging or emails are not appropriate when dealing with emotional issues. No sense giving someone the silent treatment or taking the passive aggressive route. These only further escalate the tension. Take some time to calm down. Walk away from a tense situation if you feel overwhelmed and unable to control yourself emotionally. Go for a walk and get some fresh air. Nothing good comes out of trying to discuss when you are heated. The emotional part of the brain has already taken over the logical. Agree to set a time to discuss when both parties are calm and thinking clearly and not emotionally.

If the other party is not willing to discuss, then craft a carefully thought out email to express your feelings. You have to get them out or they will devour you. You can then decide whether or not you want to send the email. Be sure to use "I feel when you" statements and stick to YOUR feelings rather than attacking or blaming the other person, which is ineffective at best. We are each responsible for our part in any conflict. For more on "I feel" statements, check out this article. Communication done in a proper way is a loving attempt to reach understanding and common ground.

4. Refuse to dwell on what happened. 
Our thoughts fuel our feelings. When we think negative thoughts, we feel negative and vice versa.

Catch yourself thinking. Scripture exhorts us to "Take every thought captive." (2 Cor 10:5). There is always another way to look at things. Dwelling on what someone said or did to us only prolongs the pain. After you have expressed your feelings, let them go. The situation is in God's hands and you have done all you can. Work on regaining your peace and joy and making the necessary changes you need to make.

If your attempts to communicate with the other person have not resulted in a change in behavior, it may be time to take a break in the relationship. This doesn't mean a permanent rift, but a time of separation can give each party time to reevaluate and reprioritize. We need to work to live in peace and if we can't live in peace then we have to go our separate ways.

Life is too short to stay mad at anyone. If we want to live in peace and joy daily, we must make an effort to do so.

I hope this post has given you some ways to process your negative emotions and deal with conflict in your relationships. We all have them and it is perfectly normal but they must be managed in a healthy productive manner. If you'd like to join our community, enter your email in the box provided. You'll receive my bi-weekly posts plus a copy of my free eguide "7 Steps to Finding Your Spiritual Path". 

Stay tuned for more positive and practical wisdom to help us all find healing, wholeness, and harmony and until next time,

Keep looking up!

Ariel Paz