We can ask the same question about the mass killings of innocent school children at Sandy Hook Elementary School or the shootings at Columbine, Aurora movie theatre, to name just a few. In my humble opinion, the root cause of aggressive violence, barring mental illness, is the inability to process one's negative emotions. We all have them. Stress from our jobs, school, our relationships, unfair treatment in the workplace and in the community can build up to an intolerable crescendo unless we learn to handle it in positive ways.
A video clip of a Baltimore city mom cursing and hitting her kid over the head has made headlines. Some people are condoning her actions.
I ask this question "What is she teaching her son?" Yes, I understand she was concerned and afraid for him. Any mother would be. But how we parents act in the difficult situations of life is how our kids are going to act when we're not around. I have seen many a mom smacking her kid, yelling at a child, and in general, being totally out of control. I have lost my temper a time or two when I was raising my kids as a single parent. One day, it dawned on me. What am I teaching my kids? It was a rude but necessary awakening.
Not only do we need to educate the kids on how to handle their emotions, we need to educate the parents. Do you think it is appropriate to curse and whack a child on the head to discipline them? We expect these kids to show respect to others, but if it has never been shown to them, this is an unrealistic expectation. Kids model the behavior that has been modeled to them. Remember the old adage, action speaks louder than words. So what can we do as parents? Here are some constructive ways we can better manage our emotions and hopefully, pass these on to our kids.
1) Allow myself to feel my emotions - negative as well as positive. Do not suppress or "stuff" them. Do not allow them to build up without expression.
2) Do not judge myself for having any type of emotion or feeling. Emotions and feelings are fleeting and temporary but they are messages that have a purpose.
3) Observe myself feeling the emotion. Identify the bodily reactions I experience such as a tight stomach, a headache, or stiff neck.
4) Understand the triggering event. Our thoughts trigger our emotions. What negative thought did I have that caused me to feel this way?
5) Realize an emotion does not control us. We control it. Take a few deep breaths to regain control.
6) Take positive action to change the situation. If the situation is out of my control, then I need to work on changing the way I perceive a situation. There is always a different way to view things.
7) Commend myself for being aware of my feelings and emotions. We will feel much more in control of our lives when we make a conscious choice rather than act on emotion.
Researchers have long studied the effects of yelling at kids. Here's a link from Today's Parent which says "Adolescents whose parents had been using yelling as a discipline method were more likely to have behavioral issues and to act out (including with vandalism and violence)."
This is a difficult and complicated subject to address. Negative emotions are not the only cause of violent behavior, but they are a big part of the problem in today's society. Many people prefer to put on a happy face and ignore the issues, but sooner or later, things come to the surface in one way or another. Negative emotions are normal. Everyone has them. The key is how to manage them in healthy and appropriate ways.
What ideas do you have on how to handle your emotions? What do you think this mom's behavior is teaching her son? What other ways do you use to discipline your kids? Do comment below.
Until next time, keep looking up!
Ariel Paz
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