Regaining Lost Trust

Trust. It's a powerful word. And a foundational cornerstone to any relationship, business or personal. Trust is crucial to moving forward in life. Often, we lose trust for one reason or another, mostly from hurts from other people. Someone breaks a confidence, someone else lies to us, a partner is not there for us. There are many ways we lose trust. This week, I am sharing on how we lose trust, why it is important to learn to trust again, and how to regain this precious commodity. 

How we learn trust:
In a perfect world, we learn trust in our family of origin. The father is strong, reliable, kind, and present. The kids learn trust from a healthy father-figure. The mom is supportive, empathetic and nurturing. But we do not live in a perfect world. Divorce happens. Alcoholism happens. Somewhere along the line, we get hurt, suffer loss and begin to doubt and question. Someone betrays us, a loved one abandons us or dies, and slowly but surely trust erodes....

People can hide a multitude of problems. We compare our families to others and think "Why can't we be normal like them?" Well, guess what folks? There is no normal. We are all just doing the best we can. There is no perfect family. Based on the rate of divorce and the breakdown of the family unit, I would venture to say that every family has some sort of dysfunction.

Every family has its problems. 
Perhaps you had an alcoholic parent, like I did. As a small child, I worried about whether the rent was going to be paid that month or when my parents would have their next blowout fight. My sister and I learned fear and doubt, instead of faith and confidence. We learned lack instead of provision and anxiety instead of peace. Maybe you also experienced emotional, physical, or verbal abuse. Perhaps one parent was controlling and the other gave up trying. Did one parent abandon the home either physically or emotionally? There are many, many scenarios of dysfunction and our job is to heal our souls from this emotional pain and learn to trust again, no matter how old we are. 

Part of healing is to be able to trust again. 
It is a slow process but it is possible if we are willing to be vulnerable and have learned good boundaries. Boundaries protect us from the bad behavior of others who try to take advantage of us. We have to learn to protect ourselves because no one else is going to do it for us. And that includes our bodies, our hearts and our finances. We need to learn who to say no to. Trust involves not only trusting others, but also trusting ourselves and ultimately, learning to trust God.

Why trust again?
Why should I expose myself again, you may ask? Why should I risk being hurt? 

Good question.

The answer is because it is impossible to move forward in life without regaining trust. If we don't trust ourselves, we will always doubt our decisions and be fearful of opportunities that present themselves. As a former timid soul, I learned timidity does not serve me. Life will beat us up if we let it and people will take advantage of us so we must learn to be bold and stand up for ourselves. 

Trusting Ourselves 
It is important to realize we are not the person we were in the past. Painful situations help us to learn and to grow. We recognize what to watch out for - the red flags - as soon as they appear. We learn about manipulative tactics, lies, and masks. We learn to set healthy boundaries and say no to things that are not good for us. We learn that bad things happen to good people but there is a healing for every hurt. We learn what is good for everyone else is not necessarily good for me. 

Trusting Others
If we don't learn to trust others, we will live isolated, anxious lives and continue to attract untrustworthy people. We receive what we expect. We learn to trust others by slowly giving them opportunities to prove themselves trustworthy. When someone hurts us they need to not only apologize, but show us they have changed so they can be trusted again. When we get to the point where we can trust others, we are then ready to take the next step, and that is to trust God.

Trusting God 
God is not out to get us. He is a good Father. If you're like me and didn't have a reliable father, this may be a foreign concept, but God is trustworthy. He is always there and he keeps his word. God can be trusted. If we refuse to trust Him, we will develop a victim mentality and believe the lie that the universe is against us. We will continue to live anxious, fearful lives. This mindset will block the many blessings that have our name on them.

Benefits of learning to trust
The more we learn to trust, the less anxiety we will experience. We will not bear the pressure of having to figure everything out all the time. We will lose the need to control situations and we will feel more secure in our daily lives. When we realize God, who lives in each of us, is guiding us, we will stop second-guessing ourselves. We will feel more confident in our decisions and we will be empowered to step out and try new things. When we learn to trust, trustworthy people will begin to show up in our lives. We will let go of emotionally unhealthy people no matter who they are. 

For Reflection
Which area do you have the most trouble trusting? Yourself? Others? God? Take some time to reflect on this question and then ask yourself what one small step can you take to trust more? 

Stay tuned for more on this important topic in my new forthcoming book on spiritual and emotional growth. 

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Until next time,

Keep looking up!

Ariel Paz