Today we're talking about a big problem in society known as codependency. There's been a lot of press about addiction but not as much focus on the problem of it's sister behavior, codependency. I'm resurrecting this post because I have been tested recently by several family members and have been very stressed out by their requests and behaviors.
Often, codependents are drawn to each other. They unconsciously feed off the other, in an unhealthy manner, both trying to get their needs met in unhealthy ways.
If we are codependent, we need to learn to set and experience the power of boundaries. This is a skill we need to learn and practice. Most of us want to be helpful and meet the needs of others, but there has to be a healthy balance between giving and taking. We who fall into the people-pleaser category have an even tougher time keeping this balance. How do we know when we are in one of these boundary-setting situations? When we start to feel stressed by someone else's behaviors and requests. That's how. We lose our peace and ruminate on what to do.
It's taken me years to learn to say that powerful two-letter word "No" but I keep getting "opportunities" to practice because other people in my life have not grown up yet. In fact, I used to carry a laminated card around me with the word printed on it large red letters to remind me that my default answer should be "NO", not "Yes". I was always saying "Yes" to requests for money, people, and relationships that were not good for me. I let people dump all their stress on me and then once they've unloaded it they felt a lot better, but guess who got a migraine? I was what they call "a people pleaser". This caused a lot of stress and health issues in my life. Stress, then guilt, then remorse. Perhaps you can relate.
Then I learned to use the N word.
It wasn't overnight, mind you. It was a long process I had to practice over and over again. It took quite a while before I could say the N word easily. But it happened. Now it's become part of my nature. It's easier with people who are not so close to me. It's more difficult with those I really care about like my mom, my sons, and my close friends but these relationships are opportunities to really hone this skill. Nothing is worth losing my peace over.
Relatives are just people who happen to be related to us by blood. They are really no different from anyone else. I believe they are in our lives to teach us soul lessons and to help us to heal. The good thing is that as we learn, they learn as well. There is, however, a small problem with saying no to some people. They don't like it.
Last week, for example, I called a friend to touch base about some weekend plans we had made. I left her a message and stated when I would and would not be available that evening so she would know when she had a better chance of catching me. I was going to be unavailable for thirty minutes, but the rest of the evening I was free. Well. She calls during the thirty minute time frame I was unavailable. When I called her back, she was miffed. In fact, she called during that half hour which was most likely an attempt to avoid actually speaking to me in person. This is known as passive-aggressive behavior. Now why would someone act like that, I wondered.
The answer came today. People who don't have boundaries don't like it when someone else sets boundaries with them. They get defensive or play the blame and shame game to make you feel like you have done something wrong. That is called control and manipulation. Recognize it for what it is and put a stop to it.
Using Mindfulness
Mindfulness is a tool in our arsenal we can use to identify these uncomfortable feelings. Often we are not aware of how we are feeling in the moment. This is where mindfulness comes in. It teaches us to be present with ourselves in the moment.
I still struggle, I admit, to not let these feelings bother me, but now that I know what is going on and why, I won't allow these feelings to sink in. Instead I make a plan as to how I am going to handle the other person in our next encounter. Don't get stuck in patterns of unhealthy behavior. You have to be the change you want to see in your world.
When we learn to set boundaries, it is liberating. The monkey is off our back, as they say. If other people don't like it when I tell them no, set a limit, or otherwise push back from what they want, it is not my problem, it is theirs. Healthy people are able to deal with boundaries. Here's another example.
A good friend called recently and offered a free ticket to a dance production in DC. I thanked her for the invite and explained that I really didn't enjoy that type of performance and suggested she ask someone who might enjoy it more. A few days later, I asked if she would like to attend a musical performance, and she politely explained that "it's not my cup of tea". This is how people with healthy boundaries operate. Healthy people are able to say and receive NO without getting defensive, feeling rejected, or making the other person feel badly.
How comfortable are you at saying and receiving NO? Is your default response "YES"? How often do you find yourself feeling guilty, overly tired or put upon? These may be signs your NO muscle needs a bit of a workout. I'd love to hear your feedback on this post. Feel free to comment here or on Facebook.
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Stay tuned for more on igniting the power within YOU and discovering YOUR destiny.
Until next time, keep looking up!
Ariel Paz
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