Understanding Relational Conflict

Relationships can be heaven or hell. Most of them are somewhere in between. Things can be going along swimmingly when out of the blue, we hit a rough patch. It's like when your car hits black ice - you didn't see it coming; you feel fearful and out of control.

Conflict in relationships can make us feel the same way: fearful and out of control. We fear losing something we value often our self-respect or the relationship. We don't know what to do and we often say things we regret in the heat of the moment. Yet, conflict is actually a good thing and today we'll be discussing how and why we hit these potholes.

First, a short story to illustrate.

A just-married couple was at the grocery store buying food for a cookout. The husband wanted the ground beef and the wife wanted the pre-made patties. Gridlock. Why? Because they were experiencing a conflict of values. He valued economy. She valued convenience.

The really difficult relational battles arise over differences in values. Values are deeply-held beliefs that have developed over time and are ingrained in our thinking. We do not change them easily. We can look at the global battles of history to see more extreme examples.The Germans valued blond hair and blue eyes which led to the extermination of millions of innocent people.

The key to resolving conflict is to identify the core values being threatened. This takes patience, self-control, and open communication. Sometimes emotional reactions occur  because someone feels disrespected, unloved, or unheard. An emotional reaction is a flag to let us know we have touched on something deeply personal.

If we can keep our emotions under control, but not deny or repress them, we will able to navigate conflict more calmly and rationally. Emotional outbursts only serve to escalate an already heated situation.

If someone truly cares about you and the relationship, they will make the effort to communicate and be honest with how they are feeling. Authenticity is key to any healthy relationship.

So here to recap are 5 keys to resolving those difficult relationship conflicts:
1. Understand your values
2. Understand the values of the other party
3. Keep your emotions under control
4. Communicate in a respectful way
5. Decide together on a win-win solution

I have found that once people feel heard, understood, and respected, a resolution can be achieved.

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Stay tuned for more positive and practical wisdom to help you find healing, wholeness, health, and harmony!

Until next time, keep looking up!

Ariel Paz