How Not to Let Your Feelings Get the Best of You

Ever get caught up in the heat of the moment, do or say something mean and then regret it later? Who hasn't? Dierks Bentley, one of my favorite country singers, has a song that goes "I knew what I was feeling, but what was I thinking?"

Emotions and feelings cause us to say and do the most stupid even deadly things sometimes. One of the strongest emotions is anger, and we have seen what pent-up anger can provoke one to do as evidenced by the Newtown killings, the Boston Marathon bombing and the Orlando shootings to name just a few.

Another powerful emotion is fear and it's cousin, anxiety. Both of these cause us to think and act irrationally. What's more, they steal our peace and joy, if we don't master them.

What really happens when we get overly emotional? 
The two sides of our brain compete for control. The left hemisphere controls logical, analytical, rational thinking. The right side controls our creativity, intuition, and expression of emotions. When our emotions take over, our rational logical thinking goes out the window. An example is when we fall in love, those butterflies and daydreams make us completely oblivious to the reality and flaws of the other person. All we can think about, is how they make us feel. 

In a similiar way, when we are angry, the anger takes control and causes people to strike out in harmful, hurtful, and even deadly ways. Fear and anxiety can take over our rational thinking as well. We start imagining all sorts of horrible outcomes which usually never materialize. These thoughts and feelings can manifest as panic attacks which are an example of a distorted perception of reality. What's worse is when we start verbalizing these to others and suck them into our quagmire.

Unexpressed negative feelings result in physical symptoms. 
On the flip side, unexpressed emotions are dangerous as well. Not unlike a volcanic eruption, unexpressed feelings can result in a tumultuous explosion and then, after the fact, we wonder "What was I thinking?" or "What were they thinking?" The truth is we weren't thinking because the thinking side of our brain was overruled.

Unexpressed negative emotions can result in a multitude of physical ailments such as skin problems like cystic acne & boils, headaches, digestive issues, weight gain, high blood pressure, dizziness and imbalance and many others.  Stroke and heart attack can both be caused by strong emotions. Is it any wonder so many people are on prescription drugs these days? Our bodies are speaking to us and if we surpress or ignore our negative emotions, we will suffer physically as well as emotionally and mentally.

Negative thought patterns also affect our emotional well-being.  As psychologist James Allen says in his book, "As a Man Thinketh", our thoughts control our not only our destiny but our bodies and feelings as well.  If we start thinking negative thoughts, we will soon feel depressed, anxious and down. The more we dwell on negative thoughts the more power we give them. If left to continue, unexpressed anger can turn into depression.

What to do?
Here are some techniques I've discovered to help me be more aware of what I am feeling so I can maintain my equilibrium and my mental and emotional health. Give them a try and see if they help you too.

1) Tune in to your body
Pay attention to signals your body is sending such as a fluttering stomach, tightness in the chest, headache, rapid breathing, feelings of anxiety. Also any behaviors done in excess such as over-eating or over-drinking, shopping, and excoriation are all signs of emotional distress.

2) Be aware of your triggers
We each have areas that we are sensitive about. For example, I have realized that one of my triggers is talking about finances and money. Having come from a poor single-mom home, I am sensitive to money issues and ultra concerned when making financial decisions.

We need to be aware of what our triggers are and realize what the fear is behind them. This will help us be more aware when we discuss these topics and help us not to over-react when the topic arises. Perhaps you have a trigger of low self-esteem. Any time someone makes a comment directed at you, you get defensive. Ask for clarification rather than reacting and saying something hurtful back. Two wrongs don't make a right.

3) Take a time out
Distance myself from the person or situation to diffuse rather than escalate it. The longer we expose ourself to an angry or anxious person, the more effect they will have on us. Emotions are transferable, so this is a crucial self-care step. The Bible says "Do not associate with angry people lest we become like them, and endanger our souls" (Prov. 22:24 TLB)

If I feel myself getting worked up, I immediately lower my voice which helps to calm me down.  I am getting better at recognizing my emotions in the moment and the cause of them. If I don't realize it immediately, I give myself alone time to calm down and get quiet so I can get in touch with what is bothering me.

Another option is to walk away, get off the phone or go into another room. Don't allow yourself to get drawn into an emotional maelstrom.
   
4) Be aware of your thoughts
Notice the thoughts going through your mind. What am I thinking? Is it true or is it fear-based? Often we have negative beliefs that do not serve us but continue to control our behaviors and actions. Thinking we are "unworthy" or "stupid" or "lazy" will steal our joy and our self-esteem. Watch the self-talk. 
 Practice mindfulness.
 Refuse to dwell on negative, worrisome,  or fear-based thoughts. Relace negative thoughts with positive, encouraging thoughts. 
 Give the other person the benefit of the doubt.
 Clarify misunderstandings by asking questions like "What did you mean by that?" rather than assuming the worst. 

5) Look for the positive. 
    Choose to think healthy positive thoughts.
    Find something positive about a negative situation.
    Read inspirational books and material like this blog.
    Listen to uplifting music.
    Dance.

    There is always another way to look at things. We never really know what             another person is thinking or feeling.

6) Journal.
     Writing my thoughts and feelings on a daily basis helps me to:
     a) be aware of my thoughts and emotions
     b) helps me to distance myself from them so I can look at them objectively       and unemotionally
     c) helps get them out of my body and onto paper

7) Practice prayer and meditation
     Connect with your inner self and with the God of your understanding.
     Listen to what the still small voice is telling me
     When we settle down enough to pray and meditate, we calm the mind which, in turn, calms the body. Calming the mind also helps quench any fears or anxiety we may be experiencing.

For Reflection 
The more we understand about the connection between our thoughts and our feelings, the better we will be able to control both and the stronger our personal power will become.  Can you recall a situation where your emotions got the better of you? Feel free to comment on this post and share your thoughts.

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Until next time, stay turned for more practical and spiritual wisdom on how to ignite your personal power and remember, keep looking up!

Ariel Paz