How to Set Better Boundaries

What stresses you out? I don't know about you, but certain people stress me out. And most of them are family members. Sadly. I find myself ruminating on how I could have/should have handled situations differently during the day. The answer is always "set better boundaries" and that is the topic I'm sharing on today. 

Boundaries are HUGE in regards to limiting the stress in our lives. Just because someone is a family member, doesn't mean we always have to say "yes" to them or agree with them. It doesn't mean we have to ALLOW - say ALLOW - poor behavior. We can have our OWN opinions even if they disagree with us or tell us otherwise. And we deserve to be treated with RESPECT AND KINDNESS. 

Since one of the goals of this blog is to help us to find more harmony in our lives, it is important to realize that stress also comes from taking too much c--- from other people. Pardon my french. Today we'll be talking about how to reduce the stress caused by other people by setting firmer boundaries. 

If we want  more peace in our lives, we MUST learn:
 a) to minimize or eliminate the stressors from our lives 
 b) how to deal with people a healthier way and
 c) set firmer boundaries sooner

I bet you'll agree a lot of stress comes from other people - usually those who are related to us or are emotionally connected such as a spouse, a boyfriend, a son or daughter, a close friend.

Are You Too Nice?

It doesn't matter who in your life is causing you stress.  For years, I have allowed too much c--p from boyfriends, relatives, ex-husband, and close friends and it has been very unhealthy for me. Poor boundaries are usually at the crux of the problem. This was a tough lesson for me to learn and I keep getting  refresher courses. 

Perhaps like me you've been told "You're too nice". Nice people get hurt - a lot. Until we get to the breaking point and declare "Enough is enough." So what to do about people who cause you stress? Here are 8 tips to put into practice starting today.

1. Tell the other person how you feel. 
Yes, it takes vulnerability to express our hurts, but it also is a sign of self-respect and shows a willingess to want to improve the relationship if it is to move forward. People are not mind-readers. Many times the other person is oblivious to how their behavior is impacting us so it is up to us to make them aware.
 
The difficulty here is that some people are not emotionally mature enough to hear you. Don't be surprised if they get defensive, raise their voice, or get angry.

Personal Story 

Several years ago, I confronted a long time friend who had divulged a confidence to her entire family and who knows who else. When I asked her about it, she got very defensive and retorted "Well then, just don't tell me anything anymore!"

What kind of friendship is that? A friendship is built on trust.  She did not take ownership. She did not apologize. People who react this way are not emotionally mature enough to handle direct confrontation. Or they may also be too insecure or prideful to face up to their actions. Don't let this be you. Fess up when you screw up and make amends. It can help you restore a broken relationship. 

If someone really and truly cares about you, they will care about your feelings. They will apologize and take ownership of their behavior. They will offer to make amends and attempt to change going forward. This is what you want if a relationship is to grow. 

2. Refuse to allow bad treatment. 
This might seem obvious, but I am guilty of allowing mistreatment because I valued the relationship more - apparently - than I valued my own well-being and mental and emotional health. I made excuses such as "Well, he's my son" or "He's my husband". Forget it. 

No person has the right to mistreat another either emotionally, physically, or verbally and this includes name-calling, labeling, raising their voice, blaming, and judging. These are all toxic behavior patters that should not be tolerated. It is time to put your foot down and stop allowing them to get away with disrespectful behavior.

This is where boundaries come in. Instead of making excuses for the other person, we need to GET REALLY CLEAR on what we will and will not allow and make that clear to the other party. For example, I told my mom that she needs to calm herself down before she calls me for help. Emotions are contagious. I cannot have her anxiety streaming over to me. To her credit, she learned how to calm herself down most of the time. 

3. Do not tolerate psychological torment and manipulation. 
Since he was a teenager, my oldest son has disconnected from me for months and years at a time. This has been a pattern. Meanwhile, I was an emotional wreck wondering when or if I would hear from him again. This is a form of manipulation and control. When he finally reconnects and I ask him why he disconnected, he never has an answer. Disconnecting for long periods of time is mental manipulation. The Bible says "Do not let the sun go down on your anger," which means deal with issues sooner rather than later. Don't put off confronting but some people are weak and afraid. If someone disconnects from you and you try to make amends but they are not interested, it is in your best interest to LET THEM GO - no matter who it is. Why lose your peace over something you cannot control? 

Do not allow yourself to be imprisoned by another person's immaturity. If people don't want to be in relationship with you - no matter who they are - you don't need them in your life. Period. Let God take care of them while you take care of you. 

4. Clearly communicate the change you want to see or the need you want met. 
This is a very key component to moving forward in a healthier way. Apologies are a nice first step but you cannot have reconciliation without behavior change. Be very clear about what you need from the other person. Some examples are:
"I need you to keep your voice down when you talk to me."
"I need you to be on time when we are going somewhere."
"I need you to not drink so much when we go out."

"I need you to control your temper."

"I need you to be kind to me."

"I need you to stop blaming me for...".

A handy tool to communicate your needs is an "I feel" statement. "I feel threatened and unsafe when you raise your voice to me." Never start a sentence with "You...". This will immediately put the other person on the defensive. Make it about YOUR needs and feelings.

5. Expect the other person to put equal effort into the relationship going forward. 
 Often codependent people put all the work into relationships. We feel it is our responsibility to make a relationship work when in reality, it takes two to make any relationship work. If you feel you are constantly the one to reach out, connect, or try to clear the air, there is something out of balance.

Relationships are a two-way street. The Bible says "Love your neighbor AS YOURSELF." In other words, love YOURSELF first and then love others. Somehow as a codependent, I missed the part about loving myself. 

When we pull back, we allow the other person to step up to the plate. I remember telling my mother this years ago. Her answer was "I didn't know I had to put effort into our relationship." Wow. 

6. Learn to set healthier boundaries.

If we are continually hurt or taken advantage of, half of the responsibility lies with us. People will continue to act out, until we refuse to allow it. We need to know and respect our own limits - what we will and will not tolerate and what makes us feel stressed or pressured. This is where the word "No" is powerful.  Here's a recent personal story to illustrate.

Personal Story 
On a visit with family who live out-of-state, I had the "opportunity" to hear "No" quite a bit. My then 80-something mother refused to let me drive her car. As anyone who has driven with an elderly person knows, their reactions are not quite as timely as they need to be. With all the sudden braking and accelerating, I wound up getting motion sick several times till I finally refused to go anywhere with her unless I drove.  I had to say "No" to her "No". This is called "setting healthy boundaries": say no to any behavior that is hurtful or harmful. To her, driving was a control issue. To me it was a safety and health issue.

7. Put distance between yourself and the other person. 
 If the other person cannot or will not accept your boundaries, then it may be time to give each other some space. This means emotional and physical distance. Give them space and give yourself a breather.

You don't have to be the one putting all the effort into the relationship. Ask yourself how you feel after you've interacted with this person. If you feel stressed, anxious, or depleted this is a sign something needs to change.

By giving each other space, I do not mean months or years. I mean hours or at most, a few days to cool off, calm down, and process. This should not take weeks or months. Unaddressed issues just get worse and distorted over time if not handled in a timely manner. People forget what actually happened. They only remember what they want to remember. It's not good to let unresolved issues linger. 

8. Be willing to give up the relationship.
You've heard the old saying "If you love someone, let them go". If someone keeps repeating the same hurtful behaviors after you've asked them to change, it may be time to let them go, hard as that can be. If they care about you and the relationship they will change their behavior. It may take some time depending on how busy they are or how much energy they have to change. The key is to be strong enough not to keep going back to them unless you see a change in behavior. This goes for addicts and alcoholics but also those charmers who keep luring us back by their manipulative ways. 

Those of us who were raised in an abusive environment have learned to tolerate abuse. Any form of abuse - emotional, physical, or psychological, is UNACCEPTABLE. When we keep going back to someone or letting them manipulate or otherwise intimidate  us, we are in effect saying:
    "It's ok for you to treat me this way" when it absolutely is NOT.

We have to come to the point where we put our well-being and self-respect ABOVE any relationship. We have to learn what is abusive, manipulative, or controlling and set a boundary or leave the relationship. 

Practice makes perfect. 
Well, maybe not perfect, but we will become more aware of when we need to put our foot down. We need to retrain our automatic response from "Yes" to "No". We need to learn to become aware of our feelings of discomfort sooner rather than later. At first, we might feel guilty because we are  accustomed to allowing and making excuses for other people's behavior but the sense of peace and personal power we will feel from saying "No, this is unacceptable" feels so much better.

The verse from scripture that addresses this issue is Matthew 18:18 which says this: "Whatever you bind(forbid) on earth shall be bound in heaven and whatever you loose (allow) on earth, shall be loosed in heaven."  In other words, if we want more peace here on earth, we have to forbid the things that cause us to lose it which includes some people and their behavior.

For Reflection

Who in your life causes you stress? What are their typical tactics? What boundaries can you set with them to protect your peace? What is holding you back from setting better boundaries? 

If you want more peace and less stress in your relationships, I encourage you to implement these tips. You will be amazed at how empowered and peaceful you will feel and you will begin the process of taking back your life.

If you want to learn more about taking back your life, order a copy of my book, "Take Back Your Life: 5 Keys to Reclaiming Your Personal Power" available at your favorite online bookseller or thru me at a discount. Simply use Zelle to email me (arielpaz08@gmail.com)  $3.99 and learn how to get your power back. 

If you enjoyed this post and would like to join our community, enter your email address in the box provided. In addition to my weekly posts, you'll also receive a copy of my free e-guide entitled "How to Develop a Spiritual Practice". It's a short read that will help you start a daily practice to look inward and upward. 

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Stay tuned for more insights to help you find healing, wholeness, and harmony and enjoy the life you deserve!

Until next time, keep looking up!

Ariel Paz

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How to Take Control of Your Life

We all want a life of peace, joy, and happiness. We want to live a stress-free, easy life that flows. So what gets in the way? Problems? Politics? People? These are all external factors that we have no real control over.

The reality is much of the drama, stress and angst in our lives we bring on ourselves. It is a hard pill to swallow, but if we really stop and analyze our problems, in many cases, we will see that our thoughts and actions are what cause us to suffer. The good news is these are both within our control. In other words, we can do something about them. Let me warn you - this post is going to give it to you straight. 

First, let's look at a few examples of how we make ourselves suffer.

We complain we are fat but then we eat a whole bag of chips, devour a carton of ice cream or eat an entire pizza.

We complain we are out of shape but then we spend the night glued in front of the boob tube instead of going for a walk or to the gym. 

We complain about our partner neglecting our needs but are we meeting his/her needs? Or are we too wrapped up in getting our needs met? Remember - it starts with us. 

We complain about our exes, the breakups and our singleness, but we neglect to make time to self-reflect and see what role we played in those relationships and where we might need to change. More importantly, we neglect to connect the dots between our upbringing and experiences to our current behaviors. 

We complain about our finances, but never make a budget or track our expenses. 

We moan about our upbringing and what a poor job our parents did so we stay stuck in our emotional ruts for years instead of seeking counseling to change our behavior and our thinking. 

We suffer because of what someone said or did to us but we fail to take action to stop it. It's called setting boundaries. 

Adam and Eve

Not much has changed in the human psyche since these two played the blame game. It's easier to place blame or look for an excuse such as:
 - "I don't have time to exercise"
 - "I don't have time to cook healthy"
 - "I don't have time to clean"
 - "I'm not in love with my spouse/boyfriend/girlfriend anymore"
 - "I act this way because of how I was raised"
- "Oh, I didn't want to hurt their feelings, embarrass them, etc".

- "He/she is the problem, not me."

You get the idea. All of these statements are either putting the responsibility on someone else's shoulders or making a flimsy excuse.  It is much easier to lay the blame elsewhere or make excuses for our lack of action but guess what? This keeps us stressed and stuck. We won't grow. We won't learn. We won't change AND we won't move forward in our lives.

What to Do
As a woman who has gone through some very tough stuff, (see my book, "The Power of Faith: a journey to healing, wholeness, and harmony)  I finally said to myself "Enough is enough" to the mental and emotional suffering. The path to transformation and emotional freedom began with lots of self-reflection. 

I have become aware of behavior patterns and thought patterns and worked on changing them one by one. I've learned to say "No" to disrespect and unkindness when before I would have allowed poor treatment because I never knew I should expect better. I've learned to take better care of myself emotionally, physically, and spiritually. I've learned I need more space and solitude than other people, so I prioritize my quiet time. I've learned that I am responsible for my well-being and self-care not anyone else. I learned this from an ex-boss who told me "Take care of yourself first." I got it. 

Many people make the mistake of looking for someone else to take care of them and make them happy. That is too heavy a burden for anyone. As Abraham Lincoln once said "Most folks are as happy as they make up their minds to be". 

Learn the Lesson
Experiences that cause us pain have a message. There is always a lesson in the pain. It is up to us to take the time to figure out what that message is. This is our personal responsibility. No one else's. And this is how we will grow and reduce the stress in our lives going forward. 

When we learn to take responsibility for our actions, our words and our thoughts, we increase our personal power. We no longer have to play the blame game or the victim role. We can take back our lives (see my book "Take Back Your Life: 5 keys to Reclaiming Your Personal Power") slowly but surely. In my next post, I will discuss the importance of forgiveness in taking back our lives so stay tuned. 

For Reflection

What thought patterns or behaviors have you inherited or picked up from other people that are not serving you? What behaviors are you tolerating? Take time this week to do some journaling and really do some reflection on your attitudes, thought patterns and behaviors that you want to change.

If this post inspired you to take action and would like to join our community, enter your email address in the box provided. You'll also receive a copy of my free e-guide entitled "7 Steps to Finding Your Spiritual Path". 

Stay tuned for more positive and practical wisdom and until next time, keep looking up!

Ariel Paz

Regaining Lost Trust

Trust. It's a powerful word. And a foundational cornerstone to any relationship, business or personal. Trust is crucial to moving forward in life. Often, we lose trust for one reason or another, mostly from hurts from other people. Someone breaks a confidence, someone else lies to us, a partner is not there for us. There are many ways we lose trust. This week, I am sharing on how we lose trust, why it is important to learn to trust again, and how to regain this precious commodity. 

How we learn trust:
In a perfect world, we learn trust in our family of origin. The father is strong, reliable, kind, and present. The kids learn trust from a healthy father-figure. The mom is supportive, empathetic and nurturing. But we do not live in a perfect world. Divorce happens. Alcoholism happens. Somewhere along the line, we get hurt, suffer loss and begin to doubt and question. Someone betrays us, a loved one abandons us or dies, and slowly but surely trust erodes....

People can hide a multitude of problems. We compare our families to others and think "Why can't we be normal like them?" Well, guess what folks? There is no normal. We are all just doing the best we can. There is no perfect family. Based on the rate of divorce and the breakdown of the family unit, I would venture to say that every family has some sort of dysfunction.

Every family has its problems. 
Perhaps you had an alcoholic parent, like I did. As a small child, I worried about whether the rent was going to be paid that month or when my parents would have their next blowout fight. My sister and I learned fear and doubt, instead of faith and confidence. We learned lack instead of provision and anxiety instead of peace. Maybe you also experienced emotional, physical, or verbal abuse. Perhaps one parent was controlling and the other gave up trying. Did one parent abandon the home either physically or emotionally? There are many, many scenarios of dysfunction and our job is to heal our souls from this emotional pain and learn to trust again, no matter how old we are. 

Part of healing is to be able to trust again. 
It is a slow process but it is possible if we are willing to be vulnerable and have learned good boundaries. Boundaries protect us from the bad behavior of others who try to take advantage of us. We have to learn to protect ourselves because no one else is going to do it for us. And that includes our bodies, our hearts and our finances. We need to learn who to say no to. Trust involves not only trusting others, but also trusting ourselves and ultimately, learning to trust God.

Why trust again?
Why should I expose myself again, you may ask? Why should I risk being hurt? 

Good question.

The answer is because it is impossible to move forward in life without regaining trust. If we don't trust ourselves, we will always doubt our decisions and be fearful of opportunities that present themselves. As a former timid soul, I learned timidity does not serve me. Life will beat us up if we let it and people will take advantage of us so we must learn to be bold and stand up for ourselves. 

Trusting Ourselves 
It is important to realize we are not the person we were in the past. Painful situations help us to learn and to grow. We recognize what to watch out for - the red flags - as soon as they appear. We learn about manipulative tactics, lies, and masks. We learn to set healthy boundaries and say no to things that are not good for us. We learn that bad things happen to good people but there is a healing for every hurt. We learn what is good for everyone else is not necessarily good for me. 

Trusting Others
If we don't learn to trust others, we will live isolated, anxious lives and continue to attract untrustworthy people. We receive what we expect. We learn to trust others by slowly giving them opportunities to prove themselves trustworthy. When someone hurts us they need to not only apologize, but show us they have changed so they can be trusted again. When we get to the point where we can trust others, we are then ready to take the next step, and that is to trust God.

Trusting God 
God is not out to get us. He is a good Father. If you're like me and didn't have a reliable father, this may be a foreign concept, but God is trustworthy. He is always there and he keeps his word. God can be trusted. If we refuse to trust Him, we will develop a victim mentality and believe the lie that the universe is against us. We will continue to live anxious, fearful lives. This mindset will block the many blessings that have our name on them.

Benefits of learning to trust
The more we learn to trust, the less anxiety we will experience. We will not bear the pressure of having to figure everything out all the time. We will lose the need to control situations and we will feel more secure in our daily lives. When we realize God, who lives in each of us, is guiding us, we will stop second-guessing ourselves. We will feel more confident in our decisions and we will be empowered to step out and try new things. When we learn to trust, trustworthy people will begin to show up in our lives. We will let go of emotionally unhealthy people no matter who they are. 

For Reflection
Which area do you have the most trouble trusting? Yourself? Others? God? Take some time to reflect on this question and then ask yourself what one small step can you take to trust more? 

Stay tuned for more on this important topic in my new forthcoming book on spiritual and emotional growth. 

If you found this post helpful and would like to join our community, enter your email address in the box provided. You'll receive my weekly posts plus a copy of my free e-guide entitled "7 Steps to Finding Your Spiritual Path". Do follow me on Instagram, Twitter, and Facebook and check out my many Pinterest boards on a wide-variety of topics too. You're sure to find some interesting stuff. 
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Stay tuned for more on finding healing, wholeness and harmony to help you ignite the power within and discover YOUR destiny!

Until next time,

Keep looking up!

Ariel Paz

How to Guard Your Peace - Part 2

What is it you want more of in your life? More money? More friends? More vacations? As a culture, we crave more more more. We surround ourselves with people and stuff and activity thinking these will satisfy our deepest needs but perhaps what we need more of is something less tangible but infinitely more satisfying - like more peace, more joy, and more faith. These are what will get us through the rough patches of life. 

When hard times hit - like the pandemic - our material possessions don't seem quite so important. The activities we used to enjoy lose their appeal and we are left with an emptiness, a gaping hole in our souls if you will. Could it be that these hard times are wake up calls? These times of slowing down, opportunities to reevaluate our values, priorities, and relationships?

As someone who has been through many crises, I have learned that the only true anchor of life is FAITH. I don't know where I would be without it and I don't know how people who do not believe manage to get thru life.

Faith is knowing that everything and everyone will be okay, no matter what it looks like in the present moment. Faith knows that the problems that seem unsurmountable now are "light and momentary afflictions" and you will come out stronger and better. Faith  brings peace to our troubled minds and souls. Faith is a spiritual value that is the core of this blog. My goal is to help YOU develop more faith so you can conquer the Goliaths in your life and have more inner peace. 

Where to Start
If we want to have more peace and joy, which leads to energy, we have to recognize what is stealing our peace in the first place and then do something about it.  Today I'm sharing on identifying these thieves and how to put a stop to them so we can enjoy each day we are given. 

1. Recognize everyone is in process. 
People are all at different places of their emotional and spiritual journey and during tough times, some are not able to withstand the pressures. They may over-react, get angry, say unkind things and distance. Do yourself a favor and don't take it personally. 

Some of us are actively working on spiritual growth. Others, however, are not.
Just like becoming physically fit, it takes time and effort to become spiritually strong and emotionally self-controlled. Not everyone is up for the task. Many people are too focused on making a living, having fun, worrying, or distracting themselves to work on their emotional aka spiritual growth. I know you're not one of them, or you wouldn't be reading this blog so good for you!

2. Catch your negative thoughts and feelings. 
If we want to be less reactive, we have to be conscious of our thoughts and our feelings in the moment. It is too easy for our monkey minds to go down the path of negativity, self-loathing, shame, judging others etc. We need to become aware of the negative patterns of thinking we have developed. Negative thoughts are self-defeating. The first step is to identify these patterns and then replace them with positive, empowering thoughts. The battle is in our mind and that is where it is won. 

If we start to feel offended by what someone says, we need to stop and ask the question "What did you mean by that?" instead of blowing up or getting defensive. So many arguments stem from misunderstanding the other person or our own misperceptions and ego.

Since the mind tends to magnify the negative, we have to make a deliberate effort to consciously catch thoughts of worry, fear, anxiety, rumination, and negativity. We have to catch the negative, unproductive thought and then make a conscious decision to think about something else so we can keep our peace, rather than react in an unhealthy behavior such as over-eating, snacking when we are not hungry, raising our voice, indulging in addictive behaviors etc. 

3. Slow down.
Doing too much is another sure way to lose our peace. We rush from here to there because we have packed too much into our schedules.  We make mistakes, forget things, and our blood pressure goes up and our patience goes down. That is how accidents happen; we cut ourselves chopping food, we forget the house keys, we lock ourselves out of the car, we are short with a loved one. These are all warning signs we are moving too fast and in the mindless mode.  

Stop rushing and allowing other people to make you rush.  People have their own agendas. God's timing is slow, haven't you noticed? When we rush, we lose our peace.  Let them go on without you. You don't have to beat the driver next to you. Relax and enjoy the present moment and keep your peace. I know this will take some work, but your heart and your mind will thank you for it. 

Personal Story 
As a single mom, I always had way too much on my plate because it was ALL on my plate. I had to move fast to get it all done. I had little family support and an ex-husband who shirked all his familial responsibilities. It all took a toll on my health. 

Since I retired, I have been working on - believe it or not - slowing down and doing less. I have a sticky note that says "Take the pressure off".  The treadmill concept is a hard mindset to break but keep at it and you will retrain your mind and learn to relish feeling more relaxed and at peace. 

This is a deliberate attempt to be more mindful of my thoughts and activity, to stay in the present moment, and be more connected to myself.  That season is over, and I am in a new season. My advice to you is to not wait until you retire or have a health crisis to slow down. Start living a gentler pace of life today.  

When we move too fast, overdo or overthink, we become disconnected.  I call it the "rat on the wheel" syndrome. We neglect our health. We think we are superhuman and can do it all. Not true. Now I am attuned to the feeling of being hurried or rushed - most of the time -and when I catch myself feeling disconnected, I stop whatever I am doing. I'll get up from my desk. Take a walk. Meditate for 15 - 20 minutes. This practice breaks the go-go-go cycle and gives my brain time to recalibrate.  Slow and steady wins the race and also keeps us at peace, in good health, and in the present moment.

4. Manage Your Energy Field 
Is there someone in your life who constantly complains? Whines? Is angry, hostile, or negative? Do others always come to you to vent their woes? These are opportunities to set better boundaries.

As a good listener, I seem to attract people who need to vent. Sometimes I don't have the bandwidth to listen. Listening well takes a lot of energy that often goes unappreciated. I always thank people for listening to me. People will suck your energy if you allow them to. Now don't get me wrong, that's what friends are for, but some people will take advantage of you if you let them. 

Personal story

I called an out-of-town friend recently to say hello and see how she was doing in this pandemic crisis. When I asked about her mom, she launched into a tirade about her alcoholic brother for like 20 minutes. When I asked her why she was telling me all this, she said "Well, you asked about my mother." Yeah, but I didn't sign up for all the gory details of her personal family problems. I was exhausted. 

Take your concerns to God. Pray more often. Journal. I journal every day, sometimes twice a day. God has plenty of energy to listen to my stuff.

The minute we recognize these behaviors, we need to put a stop to it because one way or the other or we will wind up drained and not have the energy to take care of our own concerns or pursue our own destiny.  If I am on the phone and someone is worked up over something, I give them one warning to calm down. Okay, my mom I give more than that, because she's old. Really, it shouldn't matter who it is. People need to be responsible for managing their own emotions and not pass them to others. Emotions are transferable.

When we have to listen to someone complain, vent, or otherwise spew their negativity on us, we lose energy and that means we lose our peace and joy. Next time you are on the phone with someone complaining or venting, notice how you feel when you get off the phone. Do you feel like getting something to eat when you're really not hungry? Pouring a glass of wine? Or doing some other addictive behavior? These are all stress reactions to help us calm down because we have lost our peace. Their stress comes over to our energy field.

When we get rid of the peace stealers, we will have more peace and less stress, and that, friends, is what leads us to joy. Joy is a result of having peace. It's a process. "Seek ye first the kingdom of God, and his righteousness and all these things shall be added unto thee." (Matt. 6:33). The kingdom of God is righteousness, peace, and joy, in that order.

For Reflection 
Who or what is stealing your peace these days? Do you need to set better boundaries? What fear do you need to face and take action on? Who do you need to speak up to?

I hope today's post has shed some light on how to recognize peace stealers and what to do about them. We have to be consciously aware of the thoughts we are thinking as well as who we allow into our lives. In these difficult days, it is even more crucial to keep our peace and our joy.

If this post has been helpful in some way, do join our blog community by entering your email address in the box provided. You'll receive my weekly posts and also a copy of my free eguide "7 Steps to Finding Your Spiritual Path". 

Stay tuned for more positive and practical wisdom to help you ignite the power within and discover YOUR destiny!

Until next time, keep looking up!

Ariel Paz 

The Problem with "No" - Identifying Codependency

Do you struggle with saying "NO?" to people? Is it hard for you to turn down requests for your time, money, or attention? Do you struggle with feelings of guilt or shame when you can't meet someone's expectations or run to their rescue every time they call? Do you often feel resentful and used? If so, welcome to the codependents club and this post is for you.

Today we're talking about a big problem in society known as codependency. There's been a lot of press about addiction but not as much focus on the problem of it's sister behavior, codependency. I'm resurrecting this post because I have been tested recently by several family members and have been very stressed out by their requests and behaviors. 

First let's define the term. Codependency is taking responsibility for another person's thoughts, feelings, behaviors, and lives to the detriment and well-being of oneself.  An example is the wife who keeps making excuses for her husband's drinking/spending/gambling. Or the mom who keeps giving money to her grown child. Or the adult child who is unable to cut the apron strings from mom. 

Often, codependents are drawn to each other. They unconsciously feed off the other, in an unhealthy manner, both trying to get their needs met in unhealthy ways.

If we are codependent, we need to learn to set and experience the power of boundaries. This is a skill we need to learn and practice. Most of us want to be helpful and meet the needs of others, but there has to be a healthy balance between giving and taking. We who fall into the people-pleaser category have an even tougher time keeping this balance. How do we know when we are in one of these boundary-setting situations? When we start to feel stressed by someone else's behaviors and requests. That's how. We lose our peace and ruminate on what to do. 

It's taken me years to learn to say that powerful two-letter word "No" but I keep getting "opportunities" to practice because other people in my life have not grown up yet. In fact, I used to carry a laminated card around me with the word printed on it large red letters to remind me that my default answer should be "NO", not "Yes". I was always saying "Yes" to requests for money, people, and relationships that were not good for me. I let people dump all their stress on me and then once they've unloaded it they felt a lot better, but guess who got a migraine? I was what they call "a people pleaser". This caused a lot of stress and health issues in my life. Stress, then guilt, then remorse. Perhaps you can relate.

Then I learned to use the N word.

It wasn't overnight, mind you. It was a long process I had to practice over and over again. It took quite a while before I could say the N word easily. But it happened. Now it's become part of my nature. It's easier with people who are not so close to me. It's more difficult with those I really care about like my mom, my sons, and my close friends but these relationships are opportunities to really hone this skill. Nothing is worth losing my peace over. 

Relatives are just people who happen to be related to us by blood. They are really no different from anyone else. I believe they are in our lives to teach us soul lessons and to help us to heal. The good thing is that as we learn, they learn as well. There is, however, a small problem with saying no to some people. They don't like it. 

Last week, for example, I called a friend to touch base about some weekend plans we had made. I left her a message and stated when I would and would not be available that evening so she would know when she had a better chance of catching me. I was going to be unavailable for thirty minutes, but the rest of the evening I was free. Well. She calls during the thirty minute time frame I was unavailable. When I called her back, she was miffed. In fact, she called during that half hour which was most likely an attempt to avoid actually speaking to me in person. This is known as passive-aggressive behavior. Now why would someone act like that, I wondered.

The answer came today. People who don't have boundaries don't like it when someone else sets boundaries with them. They get defensive or play the blame and shame game to make you feel like you have done something wrong. That is called control and manipulation. Recognize it for what it is and put a stop to it. 

Using Mindfulness 

Mindfulness is a tool in our arsenal we can use to identify these uncomfortable feelings. Often we are not aware of how we are feeling in the moment. This is where mindfulness comes in. It teaches us to be present with ourselves in the moment. 

I still struggle, I admit, to not let these feelings bother me, but now that I know what is going on and why, I won't allow these feelings to sink in. Instead I make a plan as to how I am going to handle the other person in our next encounter. Don't get stuck in patterns of unhealthy behavior. You have to be the change you want to see in your world. 

When we learn to set boundaries, it is liberating. The monkey is off our back, as they say. If other people don't like it when I tell them no, set a limit, or otherwise push back from what they want, it is not my problem, it is theirs. Healthy people are able to deal with boundaries. Here's another example.

A good friend called recently and offered a free ticket to a dance production in DC. I thanked her for the invite and explained that I really didn't enjoy that type of performance and suggested she ask someone who might enjoy it more. A few days later, I asked if she would like to attend a musical performance, and she politely explained that "it's not my cup of tea". This is how people with healthy boundaries operate. Healthy people are able to say and receive NO without getting defensive, feeling rejected, or making the other person feel badly.

How comfortable are you at saying and receiving NO? Is your default response "YES"? How often do you find yourself feeling guilty, overly tired or put upon? These may be signs your NO muscle needs a bit of a workout. I'd love to hear your feedback on this post. Feel free to comment here or on Facebook.

If  this post resonated with you and you would like to receive my bi-weekly posts, enter your email in the box provided. You'll also receive a copy of my free e-guide "7 Steps to Finding Your Spiritual Path". 

Stay tuned for more on igniting the power within YOU and discovering YOUR destiny.

Until next time, keep looking up!

Ariel Paz

When to Leave an Unhealthy Relationship

Relationships can be tough, no doubt about it. Each of us has our own set of sensitivities, personality issues, and emotional wounds. We are at different levels of emotional maturity and intellect. It is amazing to me that anyone gets along. Today I'm sharing on what to do about difficult relationships and how not to let them get the best of you. 

Relationships are important, we can all agree on that. The goal of any relationship is for each party to grow and to become emotionally healthier, but as my oldest son says, it takes two to tango. Each party must be willing to change. Often ego holds us back because no one wants to admit they need to change. 

After many years of trying to making impossible relationships work, I have learned one thing. Peace and self-respect are more important than any relationship. For years, I made relationships top priority. I had it backwards! I was always putting "the relationship" before my mental, physical, and emotional well-being. I tolerated poor behavior from my then-husband, then from the immature men I dated and from insecure girlfriends. I tolerated verbal abuse from my mother and my sister as well because, after all, that is what I was used to. 

And what happened? I suffered from complex migraine for years, that's what! I went from neurologist to neurologist and doctor to doctor trying to find a cure. Why? Because I was constantly ruminating on the problems in my relationships. I was always taking the blame and putting emotional stress on my brain. I always thought I was the problem, but in reality, it takes two to tango and two to fix any relationship. Each person must be willing to own up to their part and be willing to change for the sake of the relationship. 

Then as I was soaking in a hot bath one evening, pondering over the latest hurtful relationship dilemma, it dawned on me. I was allowing poor behavior!!!! Scripture puts it like this: "What you allow on earth, will be loosed in heaven. What you bind on earth, shall be bound in heaven." (Matt 16:19)

I think the crux of the problem was that I did not respect myself enough to expect to be treated right! I think most people know when they are treating people badly and they continue to do it as long as you allow them to. They make excuses and put the blame on you, instead of taking personal responsibility for their impact on you. I was allowing it, and paying a very high price. My brain and my body were screaming at me, telling me something was drastically wrong but I wasn't listening. 

Is your body trying to tell you something? Pain of any kind is a message. Are you in a relationship that is stealing your peace and joy? Could it be that you are allowing poor treatment like I did? Today is the day to take a stand for yourself. Stop allowing other people, no matter how they are related, to treat you like c--p. You deserve better! Confront them and ask for change if they care about you, they will make the change. If they don't, it's time to ask yourself the hard question of "Do I really want to be in this relationship anyway?"

If this post was helpful, join our community by entering your email address in the box provided. You'll receive my weekly posts plus a copy of my free eguide "7 Steps to Finding Your Spiritual Path". 

Stay tuned for more positive and practical wisdom on spirituality, faith, relationships, and personal growth. Today is the day to ignite the power within and discover YOUR destiny!

Until next time, keep looking up!
Ariel Paz 

4 Keys to Handling Stress

What stresses you out most? Worrying about problems? Relationships? Agonizing over decisions? We all battle this foe of our serenity and I, for one, am constantly working on having more peace and less stress and anxiety in my life. We each react differently to stressors and have different tolerances for stress so today, I'm sharing some things I have learned about recognizing the causes of stress, the effects of stress, and what to do to manage it better. 

Stress comes in many forms and it's important to learn to recognize what stresses us out so we can nip it in the bud. The longer we let things percolate, the more stressed out we will feel. We need to deal with stressors as soon as we are aware of them. If you are a highly sensitive person, like me, we are affected more deeply by the daily stressors of life such as noise, crowds, bright lights, and drama so it is even more crucial to be aware of our daily stresses.

The effects of our childhood upbringing:
How and where we were raised has a huge impact on our brains and how we perceive and handle stress. As a child of an alcoholic who couldn't keep a job, and who moved our family 31 times, my childhood was very chaotic and out of control. I've had to deal with the effects of being raised in that environment all my life. When we are brought up with drama, turmoil, arguing, and instability, we tend to gravitate towards that kind of environment as adults because that is what feels familiar to us, until we realize that this is an unhealthy way to live. We were not meant to live with drama, abuse, turmoil, and emotional outbursts because all of these take their toll on our physical and mental well-being. We are meant to live in peace.

Physical Effects of Stress:
Stress takes a toll on our bodies as well as our minds. Do you come down with the flu or winter cold every year? Do you have recurring sinus infections, headaches or migraines? Perhaps you can't control your eating urges or other appetites.  Recurring back pain can also be a stress response. In periods of high stress, we tend to revert back to our destructive addictive behaviors such as overeating, drinking too much, and a slew of other unhealthy behaviors.

These are all warning signs of too much stress. I would venture to say stress, in its many forms, is the root cause of most illness and greatly contributes to addictive behaviors and personality disorders.

Causes of Stress:
Stress comes in a variety of forms but I think it is pretty safe to say one of the main causes of stress is other people. We cannot all seclude ourselves off from the human race, but we can learn healthier coping mechanisms,  how to set better boundaries and how to destress in healthier ways.

I believe people come into our lives for a reason and a season and the reason is primarily to teach us the lessons we need to learn in this life. Some people don't feel they have to change so if we want to live in peace and harmony, we must be the ones to adapt. "Survival of the fittest" means only those who adapt, will survive. Over the years, I have come to some realizations that help me say NO to stress from other people, so today I'm sharing three of them with you.

1) Realize you are not a garbage can. 
I'm all for sharing and listening to people from time to time. In fact, I've been told many times that I am a good listener. People feel comfortable sharing their innermost feelings with me. I'm all for friends giving each other advice and being there for each other during the tough times. Sharing promotes intimacy and connection but there is a line. When someone regularly calls you to dump their stuff and their stress on you, something is wrong. Here is a personal example.

I have a long-time friend who, for some reason,  has the need to vent all her frustrations to me as soon as we get together. This same friend will call me up and go on for 20 minutes or more without taking a breath. I know because I have timed her. I have maintained a friendship with her for many years, but have come to realize, I don't have the bandwidth to listen to all that every time we talk. Healthy communication is a dialogue, not a monologue. One of my other friends calls this a "data dump".

I've learned I have to set boundaries with my exposure to her. One time I mentioned I was not able to listen to her venting, and her response was "Are you stressed?" She was the one who was stressed and she didn't even realize it. I'm sure she felt better after unloading all her emotional baggage on me, but taking in someone else's negative emotions is both unhealthy and draining for the listener. Negative emotions are transferable and we have to protect ourselves if we want to maintain our energy and our peace.

One of the signs you can identify an energy-sucking peace-stealer is by the tone and volume of their voice. If they are worked up and irritated,  they are dumping their negative energy on you and you will end up exhausted and depleted. Ask them to calm down and lower their voice; try to change the subject or else, get off the phone or walk away.

2) Realize you are not responsible for other people's financial problems. 
Money is a huge stressor in relationships. Again, I am all for helping other people. I consider myself a very generous person, but at times, I feel taken advantage of . This causes me to feel very stressed as I come from a home where, as a child, I had to worry about whether or not the rent would be paid or the lights would be turned off again. People are so wound up trying to figure out how to get their needs met, they don't bother to think about how their actions affect you. This behavior comes in many forms but today we'll talk about financial needs.

People ask you to loan them money. They get themselves into a financial mess and then they expect you to bail them out. NO! You and I are not responsible for other people's poor financial decisions and that goes for husbands, wives, sons and daughters as well as "friends".

My ex-husband did this to me several times. He always wanted to start some new business venture, and wanted me to take money out of my retirement savings to fund his exploits. This was a tough place to be because we were husband and wife and I felt obligated to go along with him. Eventually the financial fiascos caused so much tension in our relationship, we ended up in bankruptcy and divorce court. There was a lesson to be learned here.

Repeat lessons
God and life will continue to present us with the same lessons over and over until we learn to handle them in a better way - in a way that respects ourselves. After my divorce, another dear relative came to me for money for his business - to the tune of $5,000. Since I was emotionally connected to this person, I agonized over the decision which caused me undue stress which as a single-parent, I did not need. I finally said "No".  Again, this person was looking out for their own needs and sugar-coated the request with pretty promises. As it turned out, if I had said "Yes" to this person, I would have lost my savings and not  had the down payment I soon needed to retain my new condo.

Apparently I still had not learned the lesson. Recently, I had an even closer relative come to me for money. I agonized over this decision for weeks and ended up with a migraine.  This time it dawned on me. If I have to agonize over a decision, if it is not an immediate "YES", it is not the right thing to do. It is a peace-stealer. Say NO right off the bat, keep the stress at bay, and keep my health and my peace!

3) Realize you are responsible for your own happiness but not other people's. 
As Abraham Lincoln once said "Folks are about as happy as they make up their minds to be".  Happiness is a choice we each make every day. When I get up in the morning, I repeat the verse "This is the day the Lord has made. I will rejoice and be glad in it" (Ps. 118:24). This helps me start the day on a thankful and positive note.

If you are living with someone who is unhappy, realize it is their problem, not yours. Don't let false guilt steal your peace and joy. It is very draining to try to keep someone else happy who refuses to keep themselves happy. It takes enough energy to keep ourselves happy and we are only responsible for our own happiness, not our spouse, not our kids, not our parents. Each person is responsible for their own choices and their own happiness in this life.

Some people use their unhappiness as a way to get attention. After all, negative attention is better than no attention at all. I have someone who is constantly complaining to me - about everything. She is miserable and unhappy. I have learned even though I care for this person, I cannot make her happy and have told her so. I put the monkey back where it belonged - on her shoulders.

Realize these types of people are needy and trying to get their needs met from you instead of taking responsibility for themselves.  Make sure you're not one of them.

4)  Practice surrendering. 
This is where God comes into the picture. Only God can carry the weight of the world. It does not belong on your shoulders or mine. Many things in life are out of our control and we need to learn to live and let live. We cannot make other people do what we want, when we want. The only person we can control is ourselves. One verse I use to remind myself is 1 Peter 5:7 which says this:  "Cast your cares on Him, for He cares for you." It reminds me that God sees everything that is going on in my world and he has the plan. I don't have to fret or stress. I think if we spent more time talking to God about our problems, we'd spend less time venting to other people about them.

Okay, so there you have 4 keys to enjoying more peaceful relationships. These are practical steps you can take to enjoy more peace in your everyday life. Who in your life is draining? Who likes to dump on you? Who is negative? When was the last time you talked to God?

If you'd like more positive and practical wisdom on how to have less stress and more peace,  join our community by signing up for my bi-weekly blog posts. Enter your email address in the box provided. You'll also receive a copy of my free e-guide "7 Steps to Finding Your Spiritual Path". 

Stay tuned for more on igniting the power within and discovering YOUR DESTINY!

Until next time, keep looking up!

Ariel Paz

Letting Go of Unhealthy Relationships

Is there someone in your life that constantly stresses you out? Is hard to get along with? Drains your energy? We all have at least one. These people are our greatest teachers. Today's post is about how and when to let go of a relationship that is stealing your peace and joy.

Now you know I am all for faith, believing the best, and hanging in there when the going gets tough. However, God wants us to live in peace and harmony and sometimes, for whatever reason, peace and harmony are absent. Instead, there is strife, conflict, division, unrest. This is not God's will for his children. Our destiny is to be full of peace and joy so we can be a blessing to others.

People change. What once may have been a great relationship may have gone sour. As we grow, the other person does not always grow with us or at the same pace. We need to recognize when it is time to let go of a relationship. This can be very difficult because we are often emotionally connected to the other person. We try so hard to make the relationship work but at some point we have to realize that although we love them, we cannot continue to be in relationship with them. We have to prioritize our own health and well-being.

But before we decide to go this route, it is important to take a good hard look inside and ask ourselves this question "Have I done everything I can to improve this relationship?" When I was married, it was a very turbulent situation. I read books, went to counseling, and attended Al-Anon. I did everything I could to make the marriage work because I did not want to be a single mom. But my ex refused to change or do anything to help the marriage. His response was "I'm not the first to be divorced and I won't be the last." He refused to take any personal responsibility for his part.

The tendency is to blame the other person, rather than take personal responsibility. It takes guts to admit our faults and it takes effort to change. We have to value the other person enough to do this, but the ego gets in the way. We make excuses, blame, name-call, label, use passive-aggressive behavior and projection rather than learn healthy communication skills. We apologize but then go right back to our old behaviors. Apologies are good, but they are only the first step.

As I say in my book, "The Power of Faith", don't fall for someone's pretty promises. Actions speak louder than words. Wait to see changed behavior before opening your heart to the other person again. When we continue to allow bad behavior we are in effect saying, "It's okay to treat me like this."

Here are some signs it time to let go of someone:
1. constant strife and arguing
2. inability to resolve conflict
3. repeated hurtful patterns of behavior
4. disrespect such as raised voices, being late, betrayal of confidences, gossip
5. taking you for granted, not putting any effort into making the relationship work
6. jealousy, insecurity, immature behavior

It is normal to feel hurt when we are treated this way, but we have to realize it is not about us, it is about them. Letting go can be difficult, especially if we have been in the relationship for a long time, but at some point we have to say "I choose peace and self-respect over this." Read "Love is Letting Go of Fear" for more on this.

If repeated attempts to ask for what you need are not being heard or received, it is time to let go. Sometimes people are not at a place where they can give you what you need. Then it is time to give them space.

Letting go does not have to be permanent. The other person might just need a wake-up call. You've probably heard the phrase "If you love someone, set them free."

Life is too short to live in strife, conflict and disrespect. When we recognize our value we will not tolerate these from anyone. Instead of spending our energy trying to get someone to change, we can use that time and energy to pursue our own goals and dreams.

Perhaps it is time to let go of someone in your life. If we want peace and harmony, we sometimes have to make tough love decisions and if it is God's will, the person will come back to us. In the meantime, enjoy your life and remember to be a blessing to others.

If this post was helpful, do leave a comment. If you'd like to join our community, enter your email address in the box provided. You'll receive my bi-weekly positive and practical posts as well as a copy of my eguide "7 Steps to Finding Your Spiritual Path".

Until next time, stay tuned for more on igniting the power within and discovering YOUR destiny!

Keep looking up!

Ariel Paz