Regaining Lost Trust

Trust. It's a powerful word. And a foundational cornerstone to any relationship, business or personal. Trust is crucial to moving forward in life. Often, we lose trust for one reason or another, mostly from hurts from other people. Someone breaks a confidence, someone else lies to us, a partner is not there for us. There are many ways we lose trust. This week, I am sharing on how we lose trust, why it is important to learn to trust again, and how to regain this precious commodity. 

How we learn trust:
In a perfect world, we learn trust in our family of origin. The father is strong, reliable, kind, and present. The kids learn trust from a healthy father-figure. The mom is supportive, empathetic and nurturing. But we do not live in a perfect world. Divorce happens. Alcoholism happens. Somewhere along the line, we get hurt, suffer loss and begin to doubt and question. Someone betrays us, a loved one abandons us or dies, and slowly but surely trust erodes....

People can hide a multitude of problems. We compare our families to others and think "Why can't we be normal like them?" Well, guess what folks? There is no normal. We are all just doing the best we can. There is no perfect family. Based on the rate of divorce and the breakdown of the family unit, I would venture to say that every family has some sort of dysfunction.

Every family has its problems. 
Perhaps you had an alcoholic parent, like I did. As a small child, I worried about whether the rent was going to be paid that month or when my parents would have their next blowout fight. My sister and I learned fear and doubt, instead of faith and confidence. We learned lack instead of provision and anxiety instead of peace. Maybe you also experienced emotional, physical, or verbal abuse. Perhaps one parent was controlling and the other gave up trying. Did one parent abandon the home either physically or emotionally? There are many, many scenarios of dysfunction and our job is to heal our souls from this emotional pain and learn to trust again, no matter how old we are. 

Part of healing is to be able to trust again. 
It is a slow process but it is possible if we are willing to be vulnerable and have learned good boundaries. Boundaries protect us from the bad behavior of others who try to take advantage of us. We have to learn to protect ourselves because no one else is going to do it for us. And that includes our bodies, our hearts and our finances. We need to learn who to say no to. Trust involves not only trusting others, but also trusting ourselves and ultimately, learning to trust God.

Why trust again?
Why should I expose myself again, you may ask? Why should I risk being hurt? 

Good question.

The answer is because it is impossible to move forward in life without regaining trust. If we don't trust ourselves, we will always doubt our decisions and be fearful of opportunities that present themselves. As a former timid soul, I learned timidity does not serve me. Life will beat us up if we let it and people will take advantage of us so we must learn to be bold and stand up for ourselves. 

Trusting Ourselves 
It is important to realize we are not the person we were in the past. Painful situations help us to learn and to grow. We recognize what to watch out for - the red flags - as soon as they appear. We learn about manipulative tactics, lies, and masks. We learn to set healthy boundaries and say no to things that are not good for us. We learn that bad things happen to good people but there is a healing for every hurt. We learn what is good for everyone else is not necessarily good for me. 

Trusting Others
If we don't learn to trust others, we will live isolated, anxious lives and continue to attract untrustworthy people. We receive what we expect. We learn to trust others by slowly giving them opportunities to prove themselves trustworthy. When someone hurts us they need to not only apologize, but show us they have changed so they can be trusted again. When we get to the point where we can trust others, we are then ready to take the next step, and that is to trust God.

Trusting God 
God is not out to get us. He is a good Father. If you're like me and didn't have a reliable father, this may be a foreign concept, but God is trustworthy. He is always there and he keeps his word. God can be trusted. If we refuse to trust Him, we will develop a victim mentality and believe the lie that the universe is against us. We will continue to live anxious, fearful lives. This mindset will block the many blessings that have our name on them.

Benefits of learning to trust
The more we learn to trust, the less anxiety we will experience. We will not bear the pressure of having to figure everything out all the time. We will lose the need to control situations and we will feel more secure in our daily lives. When we realize God, who lives in each of us, is guiding us, we will stop second-guessing ourselves. We will feel more confident in our decisions and we will be empowered to step out and try new things. When we learn to trust, trustworthy people will begin to show up in our lives. We will let go of emotionally unhealthy people no matter who they are. 

For Reflection
Which area do you have the most trouble trusting? Yourself? Others? God? Take some time to reflect on this question and then ask yourself what one small step can you take to trust more? 

Stay tuned for more on this important topic in my new forthcoming book on spiritual and emotional growth. 

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Stay tuned for more on finding healing, wholeness and harmony to help you ignite the power within and discover YOUR destiny!

Until next time,

Keep looking up!

Ariel Paz

4 Things You Can Do to Be Emotionally Free

The Fourth of July is already upon us. For many, it is an extra day off from work, a time to grill burgers and get together with friends, and a time to watch fireworks light up the sky. Most of all, it is a time to celebrate our freedom here in this country. 

It was on July 4, 1776 that our founding fathers gathered to sign the declaration of  independence to free themselves and many others from British rule. We owe them a great debt of gratitude for the price they paid to loose themselves from bondage under England and to establish this great nation. We also owe a great debt to those who continue to give their lives in service so that we may maintain our freedoms.

We in America are free from the oppression that faced our founding fathers, but many today are in bondage of another kind -  emotional bondage. Emotional bondage happens when we have not let go of past hurts, bitterness, or resentments. We dwell in the past - what someone said or did to us, a traumatic experience, a divorce, a breakup, a financial failure. These things happen to all of us. They are part of the human experience. The key is to learn from these situations and then heal, move on and move forward.

But many don't. They stay stuck in the same emotional muck. What's worse is they keep recounting the injury, the hurt, the incident - day after day, year after year. Is there someone in your life like this?

When we stubbornly refuse to let go of hurts, we stay stuck. We lose our peace and our joy and we lose the beauty of the present moment. Negative emotions also affect us physically: digestive issues, headaches, back pain. Many physical symptoms are tied to some negative emotional root. Thankfully, it is never too late to let go and be set free.

As someone who has healed and is still healing from much trauma, I have found  4 things we can do to have more joy, less drama, and experience more emotional freedom:

1. Choose carefully. 
We in this country have freedom of choice. We can choose who and what we allow into our lives. We can choose to learn better patterns of relating to others. We can choose what thoughts we dwell on. We can choose thoughts of faith and positivity, rather than thoughts of fear, worry and negativity. Emotional freedom begins first and foremost in our mind.

2. Pay attention. 
Contrary to how I was raised, it is very important to pay attention to our feelings. Now, I am not saying we should let our feelings control us but we do have to be aware of them and figure out what they are trying to tell us. They are internal indicators of what is going on with us. Am I feeling depressed? Anxious? Sad? Hurt? Rejected? Lonely? Angry? All of these are warning signs that something is not right. Ask yourself what is going on in your life that is making you feel that way and then ...

3. Take action.
The founding fathers had a cause they believed in and were committed to. They took action. In the same way, if we are committed to a freer life, we must take action: to heal ourselves emotionally and spiritually if we want to achieve our goals and dreams, enjoy better relationships, and live a freer life. Change doesn't just happen. We have to make it a priority if we want to enjoy a better life. When we do what we can, God will step in and do what we can't. So what can we do?

4. Set  boundaries. 
Just as the early settlers said "No" to England's oppressive rules and taxation, we, too, must say no to people and behaviors that are not good for us which includes saying "No" to people we love and care about. To be emotionally free means to separate from the drama and turmoil that emotionally immature people bring with them such as verbal assaults, constant chatter, guilt and blame trips and manipulative and controlling behaviors. Once we learn to recognize these behaviors for what they are, we can call attention to them and set limits with these people. The energy we expend dealing with negative people can be better used to focus on our goals and dreams.

We must also set limits on the demands on our time and energy. The world is always clamoring "do more, have more, buy more". This is lunacy. We really don't need to do as much as we think we have to do or have as much as we think we need to have. Repeat after me "I am enough, I do enough." We get caught on the rat wheel of life and it is perpetual. We can only go so long before we will wear out. Pace yourself. 

You will survive without the latest iPhone or high def television. These are not necessities. They are luxuries. There is a blessing from living a simpler, slower, less complicated life and that is emotional and mental peace. There is a high cost to pay and the choice is ours. 

We don't need to feel guilty about setting boundaries either. Saying "no" is a form of self-care which is crucial to living an emotionally free and peaceful life. Taking care of yourself physically, mentally, and emotionally is a responsibility you have to yourself. Don't let anyone guilt you into not doing it. If we don't take good care of ourselves, we won't be in any position to help or care for others. For more on boundary setting, check out this article. 

If we want to live free, we must choose peace and freedom every day over being controlled or manipulated by someone. I escaped from a controlling and abusive marriage long ago, but the lesson remains. God keeps giving me retests with the various toxic people in my life.

As it says in Galatians 5:1 "Stand fast therefore in the freedom of Christ, and do not be entangled again in the yoke of bondage." Did you get that? Entangled. If we are not paying attention to who and what we allow into our lives, we will be entangled again. Pay attention to your feelings and deal with toxic people promptly. I no longer make excuses for my loved ones behavior nor do I take their behavior personally. I have realized it is about them, not me. Learn to recognize oppressive behaviors quickly and take action promptly. 

For Reflection
Do you get entangled in situations or conversations that steal your freedom, peace, and joy?  Do you allow yourself to get sucked in to drama? What actions can you take to be more free? Who do you need to say "no" to in order to have more freedom and peace of mind?

Love to hear your feedback on this post. If you'd like to join our community and receive my weekly posts as well as your copy of my free e-guide entitled "7 Steps to Finding Your Spiritual Path" simply enter your email address in the box provided and I'll send it right out to you. 

Happy birthday, America, and may God bless us always! 

Stay tuned for more practical and spiritual tips on how to ignite the power within and discover YOUR destiny!

Until next time, keep looking up!

Ariel Paz

The Dangerous Pull of Strong Emotions

Emotions are powerful. Think of how you feel when someone cuts you off in traffic, you watch a baby being born, or your favorite team wins the game. These emotions can be very strong at times, almost overwhelming. Emotions can be our friends or our enemies. They can motivate us to climb mountains and they can drag us into the pit of despair. Emotions can motivate us to pursue relationships or leave them. What I want to talk about today is how important it is to learn to pause and reflect before acting out of emotion so we can make conscious choices.

I've read that when we get emotional, a different part of our brain (the right hemisphere known as the limbic system) takes over and the more logical left hemisphere stops working. Logic and emotion are two opposing forces. We've all heard the old adage about the head and the heart, right? Which of these do we allow to influence us in our decision-making?

A recent example of out-of-control emotions is the Baltimore riots. People expressed their long-pent-up frustrations and anger in violent and destructive ways. Emotions are contagious, especially negative emotions such as anger and hostility. Another factor is how deeply we experience our emotions.

Some people feel their emotions more strongly than others. I know, because I am one of them. I feel deeply which can be both a good and a bad thing. I have learned, however, that my emotions are something I have control over. I don't have to allow - say allow - them to control my actions. I can take a step back and think. I had a situation recently where I had the opportunity to practice what I'm preaching here.

As you may know, I am a single lady looking for my soul mate. I recently went on a few dates with a new guy we'll call C. We met online and corresponded a few times, then talked on the phone. I decided to give him a chance. Well, he kept trying to kiss me telling me how attracted he was to me, ya da ya da ya da. Now I appreciate the attention, but as they say, flattery will get you nowhere. So I explained to him gently that I prefer to get to know someone better before I go the physical route. I know how physical men are and that's fine, but women are like ovens. They take a while longer to heat up.

Anyway, the point of the story was, being the analytical ex-IT person I am, I was evaluating the different aspects of this person. I have to admit I was tempted to kiss the guy, but I held back. Kissing can form an intimate connection when someone feels as deeply as I do so I don't jump into it lightly these days. After three dates, I became aware of several aspects of this gentleman that I did not think would make for a long-term match and ended the relationship. Point being, I did not allow my emotions to override my logical thinking and was able to make a conscious choice regarding whether to pursue a relationship with this person.

When we allow our strong feelings to control us, we often make decisions and choices we later regret. Emotions can cloud our judgment and cause us to make poor decisions. This applies to business situations as well as personal relationships. Our emotions can control us or we can learn to control them. The key is to recognize what is going on and stop the train before it derails. Sometimes emotions can rise up in us that have nothing to do with the situation at hand. Have you ever exploded at your kids when you got home from a frustrating day at the office? There you go.

Emotional intelligence is understanding both the source and the impact of our emotions.

For Reflection:
1. Ask myself "What am I feeling?"
2. What is causing me to feel this way?
3. Is this what I really want to do?

The next time you feel overcome with strong emotion, take a step back. Ask yourself the above questions before taking action. What do you think of the thoughts presented here today? Love to hear your feedback so please leave a comment below, on Facebook, or Twitter @ArielPaz08.

Until next time, keep looking up!

Ariel Paz