How to Handle Difficult People

We all have difficult people in our lives. These folks are in our lives to teach us and to help us grow. The tendency is to distance ourselves, divorce, or run away, but life we give us the lesson in another person until we learn it. The good news is we are not left to our own devices. We have a person in our corner to help us grow and that person is the Holy Spirit. 

Now I know you may not think of the Holy Spirit as a person because there is no physical body, but there is. The HS lives in US and has feelings, emotions, and will. In this week's post, you will learn some practical ways the Holy Spirit helps us in our difficult relationships.                                                     

Relationships Can Be Tough
This is an understatement. We all crave connection and intimacy, and we all know how difficult relationships can be, especially if there is unresolved anger or resentment in the picture. Or if there are personality disorders involved it is even more difficult and many of us have them but don't want to acknowledge them these days. 

Some keys to moving forward in any relationship are: 

1. Getting issues out in the open when they first arise 

2. Discussing them in a timely manner when everyone is calm and centered. 

3. Listening and seeking to understand the other person's perspective. 

4. Forgiving and letting go of past hurts. 

5. Learning to live in the present moment rather than in the past. 

What Holds Us Back 

In our humanness, it is difficult - almost impossible - to do the steps above. 

1. We let our egos take control of our emotions and our actions. 

2. We dig our heels in and insist our viewpoint is the only one.

3. We refuse to take accountability for our actions. 

4. We find it impossible to forgive others and hold on to grudges and perceived hurts. 

5. We choose to disconnect rather than find common ground. 

Does any of this sound familiar?

What the Holy Spirit Does

This is where we need the supernatural help of the Holy Spirit. It is only by this power that we are able to be self-controlled. That we are able to forgive. That we are able to communicate clearly. That we are able to understand others. I'm sure you have experienced trying to communicate with someone and they just don't get it, or they refuse to get it. So frustrating. This is because their ego is blocking them from comprehending. 

Personal Story

So as you may know, I am a divorced lady. Decades later, my two sons are both still struggling with the effects of the divorce. My youngest has finally been expressing his anger and lack of respect for me, "because of the divorce". Recently I heard from the Holy Spirit:

"So basically, he is saying you should have stayed with his father. Do you think that would have been a better outcome?" 

Now, this was quite the revelation. I decided to confront my son with this but was very tentative as to how he would receive it. He is a Christian so I said a prayer and decided to be brave and bring up the topic. Well, praise God, after a while, he got it. He understood where I was coming from and was able to see things from a different perspective. I hope this helps him to heal and to be free from at least some of the anger and resentment going forward. 

We need to have courage and the help of the Holy Spirit to resolve differences in our relationships because the flesh and the ego need to be conquered in order to have peace, understanding, and agreement. 

For Reflection:

Is there someone in your life you need to confront? Does the air need to be cleared to have a more peaceful relationship? Ask for the help of the Holy Spirit and he will empower and enable you to have the conversation. Of course, if the other person is not a Christian, there is no guarantee of the outcome, but at least you will have tried to bring peace to the situation as we are called to do. 

If you found this series helpful and would like to join our community, simply enter your email address in the box provided. You'll receive my weekly posts AND a copy of my free eguide entitled "How to Develop a Spiritual Practice: a guide to looking inward and upward", and remember, communication and community are a two-way street so do connect with me and others on Facebook, Twitter, and Instagram @ArielPaz08,

In the meantime, check out my other offerings on Amazon, Barnes and Noble, and Apple. Pop on over to Pinterest and enjoy the collection I have curated for you. I just recently started posting on Instagram so follow me there too! Excited to share my first audiobook "7 Steps to Finding Your Spiritual Path." is now on Google Play. It's short but interesting read if want to understand how we find our spiritual path and how to change it when we need to. 

Thanks for reading, and stay tuned as we learn more on how to ignite the power within so you can take back your life and discover YOUR destiny!

Your feedback is appreciated on this post 

Until next time, stay connected and 

Keep looking up!

Ariel Paz

 

 

How to Avoid Unhealthy Communication Patterns

Are you feeling disconnected from someone you care for? Do you avoid talking to them or have as little interaction as possible?  Do minor disagreements turn into major battles? Well, take heart, we all have times when we feel disconnected, and today's post is about addressing behaviors that may cause disconnect. One of my goals in writing this blog is to help us all stay more connected to ourselves, to each other and to God so this week's post is to help us learn to reconnect with loved ones despite our differences.  

What is an Emotional Connection?
First, let's talk about what exactly is an emotional connection and how you achieve it. An emotional connection means we are able to maintain a certain degree of closeness, sharing, and intimacy with another person. This is not, I repeat NOT, the intimacy of physical union. Sex has to do with the physical side of relationships. What we are talking about here is the type of closeness that comes from open, honest, respectful verbal communication, the sharing of deep feelings, coupled with a genuine care and concern for the other person's well-being. A great emotional connection makes for a great physical connection and vice versa. 

If you're not feeling as close as you'd like to your loved one, here are 4 possible reasons why and what to do about them.

1. Playing the blame game 
One clue that this is happening is if you hear yourself saying "You always ....".

or "You did such and such....". Sure your partner or loved one may have done something to irritate you, but accusing and blaming is not going to fix the problem. When something goes wrong in a relationship, both parties typically have some responsibility. Rarely is the problem one-sided.

Start by accepting your part of the problem. Blaming is a a result of refusing to take personal responsibility for one's part. We all make mistakes but they are not an indicator of our self-worth. There should be no shame associated with the  admission of mistakes. When we admit our mistakes, we pave the way for improvement and change. Here is a good article from Psychology Today on how to stop playing the blame game.

 A better way to phrase your displeasure is by using "I" statements instead of "You" statements.  Here are a few examples:

   "I feel so alone when you work late every night."
   "I feel disrespected when I am talking to you and you are reading the paper, playing video games, watching tv."
"When you threaten to leave it sounds like you are not commited to this relationship and it makes me feel sad/mad/hopeless."
"I feel devalued when you raise your voice to me." 

The key is to share what you are feeling from your heart and try to connect to the other person's heart and what they are feeling. If the other person truly cares about you and preserving the relationship, he or she will care about your feelings and want to put forth the energy to acknowledge you and change. 

2. Assigning negative labels or name-calling
When we label someone in a pejorative way, we cause emotional disconnection. No one likes to be called names or labeled. I remember my mother always used to tell me I was "too sensitive" and I grew up ignoring my feelings. Then my sister picked up the same behavior and added her label about my body. Years later, I finally put my foot down with both of them. The labeling stopped. 

Some examples of name-calling and labeling are:
    "You're so clumsy"
    "You're so stupid"
    "You'll never amount to anything"
    "You're lazy/fat/..."
    "You are unconscious"
    "You are greedy"

     "You are too ------"

     "You are just like your father" (guilty on this one)

     "You're toxic"

We All Have Insecurities 

Another way people try to label others in a less direct way is when they say things like "'Well, I live in reality" implying you don't. Be wary of such comments and call the person out. Often people of not aware of how they are coming across to others and we are all just as guilty at times. 

Most people have their own set of insecurities and when we lash out at others using unkind labels and name-calling, we enforce these insecurities and contribute to the other person's low self-esteem. When people label or name-call, it is really out of their OWN insecurities. For some reason, they feel threatened and lash out instead. 

A better approach is to hold our tongue or walk away from the situation if we feel we can't control ourselves. Hurtful words do much damage and the emotional scars take a long time to heal. The other person may never say anything to you but if you notice an emotional distancing you know they have been hurt.

3. Judging
Judging means forming an opinion about someone assigning "right" or "wrong" to their behavior. Most of the time, there is no right or wrong, it is simply a matter of a difference of opinion or perspective. Everyone sees situations through their own lens and worldview. Right or wrong implies a moral judgement and who are we to morally judge another? 

We never know what is going on with someone inside and we often do not know what they have been through in the past.  Only God knows a person's heart and what hurt they are carrying. Although it is hard not to judge when someone hurts us or acts badly, we are not to return evil for evil. God is the final judge. Click here to read "10 Reasons to Stop Judging People". 

4. Betraying Trust 
As we all know, Trust is HUGE in any relationship. Betraying a trust can cause immediate disconnect and possibly loss of the relationship for good if not addressed in a timely and correct manner. 

Personal Story

I had - notice the word "had" - a long time friend at work. We vacationed together. We celebrated each other's birthdays every year. We shared personal problems. 

Until one day, I found out she had shared something very personal with her entire family. I felt so hurt and betrayed. She had promised she would keep it to herself. When I confronted her about it, she got mad and defensive. This was right before Christmas and I had a gift for her and we had planned a luncheon, and she cancelled our get-together. I have long since forgiven her, and have made several attempts to reconnect suggesting there need to be some changes to our relationship. She is apparently not interested in changing her behavior or acknowledging the damage she caused. 

Bottom line, if someone asks you to keep a secret, please do so if you value the relationship. Also, do not share your conversations with others including family members. Consider each conversation private. And if perhaps you do leak a confidence, or in some other way, betray a trust, have the maturity to apologize sincerely and make amends. You will be glad you did. 

These are a few of the ways we can cause disconnection from friends and loved ones. We may not even realize what we are doing or we may not intend to hurt the other person but that is what happens. I hope this post has brought some awareness to the problems we may, in fact, be causing ourselves.

For Reflection:

Is there anyone in your life with whom you feel disconnected? Are you doing any of the above no-nos? Can you identify the cause of the disconnect? What steps can you take to improve the relationship? Remember, we can only change ourselves. 

If you enjoyed this post and found it helpful, consider joining our community. Simply enter your email address in the box provided to receive my weekly posts on faith & spirituality, health & healing, relationships, and spiritual growth. In addition, you will receive a copy of my free, newly updated ebook entitled "7 Steps to Finding Your Spiritual Path".

Stay tuned for more on how you can achieve healing, wholeness, and harmony and discover your destiny!

Until next time, keep looking up!

Ariel Paz
     
   

Part 2: Taking Every Thought Captive

Do your thoughts wander frequently to the past? Or do you fret about what the future may hold and lose your peace? Forget where you put things or what you were just about to do? These are not signs of Alzheimer's or senioritis, but they are signs of an untamed mind. The good news is there are some things we can do to train our minds and take control of our thoughts. This week, I'm continuing our series on the topic of mindfulness, meditation, and prayer all of which are all part and parcel of having more peace and tranquility in our daily lives, despite our circumstances. 

What is Mindfulness?

There's been quite the hubbub lately about mindfulness. You know something is catching on when there's an article about it in the Costco magazine. Mindfulness has made its way out of the yogic realm and into mainstream society. 

Our culture has us moving faster and faster with the plethora of electronic gadgets and social media. Many feel pressured to "keep up" with the pace of the world and every Facebook post, Tweet, Instagram photo and news event. Perhaps like me, you wonder if such activity is really a good thing.

In the midst of this information overload, we are losing sight of what is truly important and failing to enjoy the precious moments in our every day lives. Perhaps the slowing down of the pandemic might have had some benefits after all. This week's post is devoted to answering this question:

What is mindfulness exactly and how can it help us in our daily lives?

Not Just for Yogis
When some hear the term "mindfulness" they conjure up visions of cross-legged yogis with eyes-closed chanting. Perhaps a more realistic and comprehensible word for mindfulness is "awareness" or "being present". Being present & fully engaged is the best gift we can bestow upon our spouse, our child, our friends and ourselves. Think of how Jesus interacted with others. That is being present. He was so present he noticed when power went out of him when the woman with the issue of blood touched him, even amongst the crowd pressing in on him.

Mindfulness is a form of meditation one does to learn to settle one's mind and body and become more aware of one's thoughts as they pass by. An untrained mind is mindless and unruly. Our thoughts jump from one thing to another, like a monkey on tree. We are easily distracted, forgetful, reactive to the emotional outbursts of others, while not being fully aware of our own emotions and feelings.

One way to judge this is to notice the rate of speech we use. When we are talking a mile a minute, our minds are racing. My mother always used to tell me "You think too fast," and now I realize she was right. My mind was always going a mile a minute which resulted in talking fast as well. 

Better Communication and Connection 

Ever talk to someone and they seemingly go off on an unrelated tangent? I used to get irritated but now I realize they are simply mindless. What happens is in their mind there was some connection to another event. Their mind monkey-jumped to this other thought thread and they started following it without realizing it was not related to the discussion at hand and that the other person has no clue as to where they are going. 

Here are some of the key areas of our lives in which mindfulness can serve us.

Relationships:
Nothing is more upsetting to a wife than to come home to her hubby all excited about sharing something about her day and he tunes her out by reading the newspaper or being fixated on the boob tube, computer, or video game. I remember when I was married and I used to teach aerobics one night a week. I would come home from class all excited to share how the class went and my then husband would look at me briefly and then go right back to reading the newspaper. Is it little wonder then we ended up in divorce court? These days people substitute their cellphone, the television, the internet or a video game. It's all the same problem - lack of mindfulness. Otherwise known as not paying attention.

Your kids:
When you are with them, make the effort to be truly with them. Don't be doing dishes, talking on the phone, grading papers or whatever else needs to be done. Stay in the present moment and really be with your child. These things can be done after the kids are in bed. If you're a working mom, like I was, you only have a few hours to develop a relationship with your children. Those hours are precious. I made sure eating dinner together was a priority. I'd ask them about their day and get them to share. Some nights we'd have a bible study session where we would take turns reading the Bible. I wanted to make it a two-fer and use the connecting time as a teaching time as well. Then at bedtime, I'd often read them a bed time story. In other words, I made sure I was present in the precious hours I had with my kids.

Personal life:
How often do you forget where you put your keys, your wallet, the grocery list? You start one task and find yourself doing something else two minutes later. No, it's not ADD or ADHD. Most likely it is the normal state of mindlessness. Not being aware of what you are currently doing. I think if we taught our kids mindfulness at an early age, far fewer kids would be on prescription meds. When we learn to slow down enough to pay attention to the present moment, we actively engage in the here and now. You know how you get so involved in your gardening, or playing tennis, or dancing and then wonder where the time went? That's because you were mindfully present. You were actively aware in what you were doing. You were being mindful.

Inner world:
One of the most important benefits of mindfulness is being more connected to our thoughts and feelings. When we slow down and pay attention to our thoughts, we are more aware of what is going on in our internal world. We are able to feel our feelings before they cause us to react in an unhealthy or unproductive way or keep us up at night thinking about things. Even though we are asleep, our mind is still trying to process the events of the day. This is why we wake up in the middle of the night ruminating.

When we learn to be mindful during the day, we will process our thoughts and emotions real-time, so our minds don't have to work overtime at night to do it. Just yesterday, I caught myself having negative feelings towards an old friend. Rather than ignore them or stuff them, I allowed myself to sit with them. I realized why I was feeling upset, which led to an understanding of what I need to change about myself in this situation.

Mindfulness is a practice, like most things worthwhile in this life. When we make the time to train our minds, we will have better control over our thoughts and our actions. We'll sleep better at night. Our relationships with others will be more intimate and connected. We will be more focused and less distracted in our daily lives and accomplish more of what we want to do. There are several ways to practice mindfulness and I have attached a link here with more information.

In the coming weeks, we'll delve deeper into these important practices. I'll also be sharing tips on how to develop a mindfulness meditation practice of your own. 

If you enjoyed this post and think a friend might enjoy it as well, be sure to share the link. To join our community, simply enter your email address in the box provided. You'll receive my weekly posts PLUS I'll send you a copy of my recently updated e-guide entitled "7 Steps to Finding Your Spiritual Path".

Stay tuned for more on how to ignite the power within and discover your destiny!

Until next time, stay present and keep looking up!

Ariel Paz 

The Importance of Right Speech

Words. Words are critical for clear communication. Using the correct words help us in our relationships both business and personal. How many times have you heard "That's not what I meant"? Or someone gets mad because they heard you say something that didn't say? What about people who don't keep their word? This week I'm sharing on the importance of right speech. 

Right speech is a concept that refers to speaking the truth, refraining from lying and deceiving others, being reliable with your word, refraining from gossip, and communicating clearly. This concept is a cornerstone in most major spiritual traditions including Christianity, Buddhism, Hinduism, and Toltec wisdom, to name a few.

Today we are going to focus on being reliable with your word. Since this blog is about wholeness and destiny, being reliable with our word is a key to being a person of integrity, which in turn is pivotal in moving forward into our destiny!

Personal Stories

A new friend and I had made plans to together for lunch. I asked her to touch base to confirm later on in the week as I have learned it's best to make sure both parties are still able to meet and nothing has come up. I never heard from this new friend to confirm. So on the day of the event, I texted her early. No reply. Later, she texts me and says "I'm here". When I arrived at the restaurant, she says "If I say I'm going to be someplace, I will be there", with a tone. Fast forward to the next weekend. Again, we had made plans earlier in the week and she left it with "See you then," as if to confirm. Well, guess what? On the morning of the event, I receive a text from her with an excuse why she had to cancel. Hello? I had to chuckle. 

Another acquaintance said this weekend, "I'll definitely be there". At the agreed upon time we were supposed to meet, I get a text from her with an excuse cancelling. 

Then we have the contractors who say "We'll be there Friday around lunch," and never show up. What gives?

It seems many people do not care about keeping their word these days. Now, don't misunderstand, I do realize things come up, but most of the time it's not last minute. And then we wonder why the world is in the state it's in. 

Keeping our word does matter. Our words are powerful. They have the ability to create or to destroy. They have the ability to bring us peace or suffering. They can make or break a  relationship. As author, Don Miguel Ruiz, puts it in his life-changing book entitled "The Four Agreements",

The First Agreement – BE IMPECCABLE WITH YOUR WORD

Speak with integrity and say only what you mean. Avoid using the word to speak against yourself or to gossip about others. Use the power of your word in the direction of truth and love.

Did you know the word "impeccable" comes from the latin words that mean "without sin"? Our words should be impeccable. But how many of us even realize the harm we do with our words? I had another long-time girlfriend that I entrusted a private matter to and asked her to keep it confidential. Sadly, she blabbed it to her entire family and when I confronted her about it, she got defensive and angry. She not only shared my personal story, she broke the trust I had in her, and destroyed our relationship because she could not accept responsibility for her actions. 

For Reflection

Are you impeccable with your word to yourself? When you say you are going to exercise, for example, do you?  Or do you give yourself an excuse? When you promise to yourself you are going to drink less, spend less, or whatever, do it! Be impeccable with your word not only to others, but to yourself and see how much more empowered you feel.

If you enjoyed this post and would like to join our community, enter your email address in the box provided. You'll receive my weekly posts plus a copy of my free eguide, "7 Steps to Finding Your Spiritual Path". 

If you'd like some new reading material, check out my books available from your favorite bookseller including Amazon, Apple, and Barnes and Noble, to name but a few. If you like to cook, or just want some new recipes, order your copy of my Mediterranean Mom's cookbook. Simply use Zelle or Paypal to email $25.99 and you'll receive your digital copy chock full of delicous recipes including gluten-free, paleo, keto, as well as ethnic. You're gonna love it! Use pattiel1108@gmail.com to purchase.  
                                

New Book Coming Out Soon!

So excited to share that my new book entitled "Ignite the Power Within" will be coming out soon. Once again, it is in ebook format but I will take orders for paperback copies. 

Stay tuned for more positive, practical and powerful wisdom on how to ignite the power within and discover YOUR destiny!

Until next time, keep looking up!

Ariel Paz 

How to Be Less Judgemental

One of the worst things I can think of is being called judgemental. The term has received a lot of bad press yet we make judgements on a daily basis.

Judgement is part of the thinking process we use to make good decisions. According to the dictionary, a judgement is an opinion or a decision that has been given careful thought. So what gives? I decided to do a bit of research and here's what I found.

We all make judgements everyday.
One definition of judging has to do with evaluating circumstances, situations, and people. For example, in our driving, we judge how much room to allow before changing lanes. We judge whether we have enough time to make it to the grocery store before our appointment. This is a judgement based on experience and knowledge.

The other definition of the term "judgement" pertains to making negative moral assertions about others.  There is a difference between carefully evaluating a situation versus making negative moral assumptions about a person, culture, or ethnic group. It seems this is where the confusion and the divisiveness comes in so let's take an example and see if we can understand the difference.

A Story 
Your daughter comes home and says she slept with her boyfriend after the party and feels terrible about it. After questioning, you find out that there was liquor at the party. We deduce that our daughter had too much to drink. As we evaluate the situation, we can say helpful things like "It will be okay. You made a mistake. I know you feel terrible. What can you learn from this experience?"  Try to empathize rather than judge or condemn. Yes, she used poor judgement regarding how much to drink, but young people don't always have the best judgement and neither do we at times. 

On the other hand, if the parent is judgemental, rather than trying to understand the daughter, he or she would say something like "You are so promiscuous. You are trash. How could you be my daughter?" etc etc. Now this is extreme, but notice the negative verbage, the labelling, and the feeling of guilt and shame. This type of response serves only to demoralize, shame, and divide rather than console and unite. Judgement is used in both scenarios but in two totally different ways. Here's an article to further explain.

Personal Story

So this past summer, I was headed to the pool, with my cart and reading material. A neighbor got in the elevator and noticed my book on finances and commented "Oh you're reading about finances" with a smug tone. This was from a woman who spends $200 on a haircut. My reply was "Everyone should learn about finances," and smiled sweetly as I exited the elevator. 

How to Catch Yourself
One key to knowing whether you are judging is to ask yourself if you are evaluating to make a conclusion or if you are making negative moral assumptions about another person. Author Gabrielle Bernstein wrote an entire book about judging. Check it out here.  Everyone lives by their own set of moral standards and code of ethics so let's try to seek to understand and empathize more and judge less. 

For Reflection
Next time someone accuses you of being judgmental, you now have a better understanding to determine whether you are or not. OF course, there are other ways of being judgemental. Write and give me an example you know of. Love to hear your feedback on this topic.

If this post was helpful, it is part of my newest book, "Finding Faith in a World of Fear" available on Amazon and other booksellers. Get your copy today. 

If you enjoyed this post and you'd like to join our blog community, enter your email address in the box provided and you'll receive my weekly posts. You'll also receive a copy of my free e-book entitled "7 Steps to Finding Your Spiritual Path" to read and share with a friend. 

Stay tuned for more on how to find healing, wholeness, and harmony so you can ignite the power within and discover YOUR DESTINY!

Keep looking up!

Ariel  Paz

The Problem with "No" - Identifying Codependency

Do you struggle with saying "NO?" to people? Is it hard for you to turn down requests for your time, money, or attention? Do you struggle with feelings of guilt or shame when you can't meet someone's expectations or run to their rescue every time they call? Do you often feel resentful and used? If so, welcome to the codependents club and this post is for you.

Today we're talking about a big problem in society known as codependency. There's been a lot of press about addiction but not as much focus on the problem of it's sister behavior, codependency. I'm resurrecting this post because I have been tested recently by several family members and have been very stressed out by their requests and behaviors. 

First let's define the term. Codependency is taking responsibility for another person's thoughts, feelings, behaviors, and lives to the detriment and well-being of oneself.  An example is the wife who keeps making excuses for her husband's drinking/spending/gambling. Or the mom who keeps giving money to her grown child. Or the adult child who is unable to cut the apron strings from mom. 

Often, codependents are drawn to each other. They unconsciously feed off the other, in an unhealthy manner, both trying to get their needs met in unhealthy ways.

If we are codependent, we need to learn to set and experience the power of boundaries. This is a skill we need to learn and practice. Most of us want to be helpful and meet the needs of others, but there has to be a healthy balance between giving and taking. We who fall into the people-pleaser category have an even tougher time keeping this balance. How do we know when we are in one of these boundary-setting situations? When we start to feel stressed by someone else's behaviors and requests. That's how. We lose our peace and ruminate on what to do. 

It's taken me years to learn to say that powerful two-letter word "No" but I keep getting "opportunities" to practice because other people in my life have not grown up yet. In fact, I used to carry a laminated card around me with the word printed on it large red letters to remind me that my default answer should be "NO", not "Yes". I was always saying "Yes" to requests for money, people, and relationships that were not good for me. I let people dump all their stress on me and then once they've unloaded it they felt a lot better, but guess who got a migraine? I was what they call "a people pleaser". This caused a lot of stress and health issues in my life. Stress, then guilt, then remorse. Perhaps you can relate.

Then I learned to use the N word.

It wasn't overnight, mind you. It was a long process I had to practice over and over again. It took quite a while before I could say the N word easily. But it happened. Now it's become part of my nature. It's easier with people who are not so close to me. It's more difficult with those I really care about like my mom, my sons, and my close friends but these relationships are opportunities to really hone this skill. Nothing is worth losing my peace over. 

Relatives are just people who happen to be related to us by blood. They are really no different from anyone else. I believe they are in our lives to teach us soul lessons and to help us to heal. The good thing is that as we learn, they learn as well. There is, however, a small problem with saying no to some people. They don't like it. 

Last week, for example, I called a friend to touch base about some weekend plans we had made. I left her a message and stated when I would and would not be available that evening so she would know when she had a better chance of catching me. I was going to be unavailable for thirty minutes, but the rest of the evening I was free. Well. She calls during the thirty minute time frame I was unavailable. When I called her back, she was miffed. In fact, she called during that half hour which was most likely an attempt to avoid actually speaking to me in person. This is known as passive-aggressive behavior. Now why would someone act like that, I wondered.

The answer came today. People who don't have boundaries don't like it when someone else sets boundaries with them. They get defensive or play the blame and shame game to make you feel like you have done something wrong. That is called control and manipulation. Recognize it for what it is and put a stop to it. 

Using Mindfulness 

Mindfulness is a tool in our arsenal we can use to identify these uncomfortable feelings. Often we are not aware of how we are feeling in the moment. This is where mindfulness comes in. It teaches us to be present with ourselves in the moment. 

I still struggle, I admit, to not let these feelings bother me, but now that I know what is going on and why, I won't allow these feelings to sink in. Instead I make a plan as to how I am going to handle the other person in our next encounter. Don't get stuck in patterns of unhealthy behavior. You have to be the change you want to see in your world. 

When we learn to set boundaries, it is liberating. The monkey is off our back, as they say. If other people don't like it when I tell them no, set a limit, or otherwise push back from what they want, it is not my problem, it is theirs. Healthy people are able to deal with boundaries. Here's another example.

A good friend called recently and offered a free ticket to a dance production in DC. I thanked her for the invite and explained that I really didn't enjoy that type of performance and suggested she ask someone who might enjoy it more. A few days later, I asked if she would like to attend a musical performance, and she politely explained that "it's not my cup of tea". This is how people with healthy boundaries operate. Healthy people are able to say and receive NO without getting defensive, feeling rejected, or making the other person feel badly.

How comfortable are you at saying and receiving NO? Is your default response "YES"? How often do you find yourself feeling guilty, overly tired or put upon? These may be signs your NO muscle needs a bit of a workout. I'd love to hear your feedback on this post. Feel free to comment here or on Facebook.

If  this post resonated with you and you would like to receive my bi-weekly posts, enter your email in the box provided. You'll also receive a copy of my free e-guide "7 Steps to Finding Your Spiritual Path". 

Stay tuned for more on igniting the power within YOU and discovering YOUR destiny.

Until next time, keep looking up!

Ariel Paz

5 Steps to More Meaningful Communication

Communication is key to any relationship, business or personal and how we communicate is key to building strong relationships. Have you ever been in a one-sided conversation where the other person goes on and on and you barely got a word in edge-wise? They go from point to point barely pausing for a breath. The presidential candidates are a good example of this. How did that make you feel?  I know how it makes me feel and that is why I am writing this post.

Recently, I have endured several "one-sided conversations" so I decided it is time to bring awareness to this issue. One-sided conversations are not conversations at all. They do not develop intimacy or further the relationship. When one person is doing all the talking, you know what that is called? A monologue! So this week I'm going to share some tips on how to engage in meaningful conversation, which is, after all, the purpose of good communication and key to developing intimate relationships.

1. Be aware of how much you are talking.
If you must, set a timer on your phone. Be aware of hogging the conversation. No one likes to listen to someone go on and on about their problems or switch from one topic to the next.  Take a breath and pause. Give the other party a chance to respond, or even change the subject. Communication is a two-way street.

2. Practice listening
Talking is easy for most of us, but listening is a skill that must be learned. James 1:18 exhorts us to be "quick to listen, slow to speak, and slow to get angry." I used to tell my kids, "That's why God gave us two ears and one mouth" so we listen more than we speak. We all want to get our two cents in, right? Rather than listening to what the other person is saying we are thinking about what we want to say next. Develop the patience to listen. It is a gift we give to the other person. Everyone likes to be heard.

3. Resist the Urge to Interrupt
I am guilty of this one. I get so enthralled with the conversation I can't wait to add to it, so I interrupt. I do it less now so I am making progress, but this is a BIG NO NO. Interrupting is rude in most cases, except at the office when you sometimes have to interrupt to be heard.

4.  Be engaged. 
This means pay attention. Don't be checking your phone, your email, or looking around. Look at the person who is speaking. Nod your head to show you are taking in what is being said. I used to get so exasperated having to repeat myself. People either don't want to listen, they don't know how to listen, or they don't even realize they aren't listening.

 5. Lower Your Volume 
Sometimes conversations can get difficult and tempers flare. When I notice the other person's voice going up, I immediately lower mine. This technique works with most people. If the person is still raising their voice, then I ask them to lower their voice. Lastly, if they still refuse to calm down, I politely exit from the conversation with something like "We can talk about this another time, perhaps when you're calmer."

I've employed these tips in my relationships and I know they work to promote deeper and more meaningful conversations.  You can too, but what about our conversations with our heavenly Father?

Do you believe God speaks to us? Well, I am living-proof to tell you that He certainly does. God speaks to all of us in different ways. Some hear His still small voice in the quiet of nature, in the melody of a song or the beauty of a painting. Others hear Him through the words of others, scripture, prayer and meditation. God knows how to communicate to each of His children on a personal basis.

The all important question in every conversation is "Am I listening?" I've heard it said, that's why God gave us two ears and one mouth, so we listen twice as much as we talk. Pay attention to your next conversation. How much are you talking vs. listening? As they say, the proof is in the pudding, so if you want to get closer to others and to God, practice these simple tips and your relationships are sure to improve.

If you'd like to receive my weekly posts and a copy of my free guide entitled "7 Steps to Finding Your Spiritual Path" enter your email in the box provided. Feel free to leave a comment as well as this in not a monologue blog :)

Until next time, keep looking up!

Ariel Paz 

7 Steps to Dealing with Pent Up Negative Emotions

Negative emotions can build up without us even realizing it and have disastrous consequences. Take the recent riots in Baltimore, for example. Years of pent up frustration and resentment erupted in a city-wide looting and rioting spree this week. Stores were vandalized. People were injured. Residents are shocked and alarmed. The governor has declared a state of emergency and called in the National Guard. The mayor ordered a curfew and police are patrolling the city with guns and weapons. The triggering event was the unnecessary death of a black youth while in the custody of city police. But why this violent reaction many ask?

We can ask the same question about the mass killings of innocent school children at Sandy Hook Elementary School or the shootings at Columbine, Aurora movie theatre, to name just a few. In my humble opinion, the root cause of aggressive violence, barring mental illness, is the inability to process one's negative emotions. We all have them. Stress from our jobs, school, our relationships, unfair treatment in the workplace and in the community can build up to an intolerable crescendo unless we learn to handle it in positive ways.

A video clip of a Baltimore city mom cursing and hitting her kid over the head has made headlines. Some people are condoning her actions.

I ask this question "What is she teaching her son?" Yes, I understand she was concerned and afraid for him. Any mother would be. But how we parents act in the difficult situations of life is how our kids are going to act when we're not around. I have seen many a mom smacking her kid, yelling at a child, and in general, being totally out of control. I have lost my temper a time or two when I was raising my kids as a single parent. One day, it dawned on me. What am I teaching my kids? It was a rude but necessary awakening.

Not only do we need to educate the kids on how to handle their emotions, we need to educate the parents. Do you think it is appropriate to curse and whack a child on the head to discipline them? We expect these kids to show respect to others, but if it has never been shown to them, this is an unrealistic expectation. Kids model the behavior that has been modeled to them. Remember the old adage, action speaks louder than words. So what can we do as parents? Here are some constructive ways we can better manage our emotions and hopefully, pass these on to our kids.

1) Allow myself to feel my emotions - negative as well as positive. Do not suppress or "stuff" them. Do not allow them to build up without expression.

2) Do not judge myself for having any type of emotion or feeling. Emotions and feelings are fleeting and temporary but they are messages that have a purpose.

3) Observe myself feeling the emotion. Identify the bodily reactions I experience such as a tight stomach, a headache, or stiff neck.

4) Understand the triggering event. Our thoughts trigger our emotions. What negative thought did I have that caused me to feel this way?

5) Realize an emotion does not control us. We control it. Take a few deep breaths to regain control.

6) Take positive action to change the situation. If the situation is out of my control, then I need to work on changing the way I perceive a situation. There is always a different way to view things.

7) Commend myself for being aware of my feelings and emotions. We will feel much more in control of our lives when we make a conscious choice rather than act on emotion.

Researchers have long studied the effects of yelling at kids. Here's a link from Today's Parent which says "Adolescents whose parents had been using yelling as a discipline method were more likely to have behavioral issues and to act out (including with vandalism and violence)."

This is a difficult and complicated subject to address. Negative emotions are not the only cause of violent behavior, but they are a big part of the problem in today's society. Many people prefer to put on a happy face and ignore the issues, but sooner or later, things come to the surface in one way or another. Negative emotions are normal. Everyone has them. The key is how to manage them in healthy and appropriate ways.

What ideas do you have on how to handle your emotions? What do you think this mom's behavior is teaching her son? What other ways do you use to discipline your kids? Do comment below.

Until next time, keep looking up!

Ariel Paz

4 Practical Ways to Enjoy Better Relationships

Great relationships don't just happen. Like your golf game, they take a lot of time and effort to improve. Life seems to be rolling along just fine, and suddenly you hit a bump in the road. People mess up. We say hurtful things, betray a trust, overreact, and manipulate to get our needs met. We turn to passive-aggressive behaviors instead of dealing with issues up front. Often, we are clueless how deeply our words and actions affect others. So why do we act like this?

Our ego and insecurities get in the way of healthy and respectful communication which prevents us from enjoying the close relationships we so desire.  It is tough to be on the receiving end of mistreatment but we are called to love another while setting appropriate boundaries.

After enduring many painful experiences, I realized I can't just give up on people. We all have our flaws so I dug into the subject and today I am sharing 4 ways to help us enjoy better relationships.

1. Learn to confront
Confrontation has gotten a bad rap, but when we use the term in regards to relationships, to confront simply means to come face to face. According to psychologists and relationship experts, John Townsend and Henry Cloud, confrontation is a skill we can all learn to preserve relationships by addressing issues with one another. For more on this, check out their book "Boundaries: Face to Face".

Rather than dumping people because our anger or frustration has reached the max, a better way is to confront the issue at hand and give the other person a chance to change their ways.

I once had a very close friend who called me up one day in a tizzy of frustration over something in our friendship. We had hit a bump in the road. I was trying to understand her concerns but she would have none of it. Then she blurts out this hurtful statement: "From now on, we are just acquaintances." I was stunned, shocked, and very hurt. Where was my chance to change? Why hadn't she said anything to me before? People are not mind-readers: not husbands, not boyfriends, and certainly not girlfriends. Unless we take the time to confront the issue, the other person is probably going on about their business clueless. One thing to remember in confronting, is to do it before you blow your stack or sever the relationship. This takes courage, skill, and maturity but it is a skill worth learning.

2. Learn to apologize
When someone confronts us with a problem, we need to be able to offer a sincere apology and offer to make amends. Some people think if they utter a perfunctory "I'm sorry", everything is hunky dory and they are ready to move on. Not quite so fast! The offender must take the time to understand and take responsibility for the pain he or she has caused the other person. They also need to make amends in some way. An apology is only the first step in reconciling the relationship and people receive apologies in different ways. For more on how to apologize, check out this insightful book, "The 5 Languages of Apology" by Gary Chapman.

3. Be willing to change our behavior
When we are confronted with an issue, the ball is our court so to speak. It is up to us to decide:

a) do we want to maintain the relationship and if we do,
b) understand what we have done that has hurt the other person and
c) are we willing to change our behavior and attitudes

This takes putting ourselves in their shoes. It also takes swallowing our pride and admitting our behavior needs to change. Personal story.

I once dated this guy, who was a strong Christian, went to church, read the Bible, the whole nine yards. But he had a jealousy problem. We would argue until the wee hours of the night about situations.

During these heated discussions he would resort to unfair and hurtful tactics such as demanding gifts be returned, name-calling, etc. When I expressed how hurtful his actions were, he would invariably apologize, but it wouldn't be long before we'd be at it again. Finally I had had enough of this behavior and told him so. His response was "What ever happened to forgiveness?"

Talk about the guilt trip. I had forgiven him umpteen times so my response to him was "What ever happened to repentance?" Repentance is the biblical term for changing one's behavior. In order to achieve harmonious and enduring relationships, we need to be willing to deal with our fears and insecurities, so we can clearly see how our behavior is impacting the other party and make the necessary changes. When we truly care about the relationship, we will put loving the other person above our ego and pride.

4. Learn to forgive
Forgiveness is a process that seems to be misunderstood by many. True forgiveness is really a two part process: forgiveness and restoration or reconciliation. Forgiveness means letting go of the need to get back at the other person. It means surrendering our hurt and pain to God, and giving the relationship another chance. Forgiveness is for both our well-being and the well-being of the other person. It frees the offender from the toxicity of shame. The words "I forgive you" can do wonders for the healing.

Restoration or reconciliation cannot occur until the offender has demonstrated changes in his or her behavior. It is folly to continue to allow someone back into our lives, when they have given us no indication that they have changed. This process applies to people with addiction or anger issues as well. Repeated patterns indicate an unwillingness to change for whatever reason. Forgiveness gives the offender a chance to redeem himself and we demonstrate our faith in them to do so.

To summarize, harmonious relationships don't just happen. There will always be bumps in the relationship road, but I hope that these 4 tips have given you some tools to navigate the potholes we inevitably encounter. When we have the courage to confront and the willingness to change and to forgive, we can enjoy the relationships we all desire.

If this post has helped you, please leave a comment. If you'd like to join our community enter your email address in the box provided. In addition to my weekly emails, you'll also receive a copy of my free guide "7 Steps to Finding Your Spiritual Path",

Stay tuned for more on how to enjoy better relationships and until next time,

Keep looking up!

Ariel Paz

Understanding Relational Conflict

Relationships can be heaven or hell. Most of them are somewhere in between. Things can be going along swimmingly when out of the blue, we hit a rough patch. It's like when your car hits black ice - you didn't see it coming; you feel fearful and out of control.

Conflict in relationships can make us feel the same way: fearful and out of control. We fear losing something we value often our self-respect or the relationship. We don't know what to do and we often say things we regret in the heat of the moment. Yet, conflict is actually a good thing and today we'll be discussing how and why we hit these potholes.

First, a short story to illustrate.

A just-married couple was at the grocery store buying food for a cookout. The husband wanted the ground beef and the wife wanted the pre-made patties. Gridlock. Why? Because they were experiencing a conflict of values. He valued economy. She valued convenience.

The really difficult relational battles arise over differences in values. Values are deeply-held beliefs that have developed over time and are ingrained in our thinking. We do not change them easily. We can look at the global battles of history to see more extreme examples.The Germans valued blond hair and blue eyes which led to the extermination of millions of innocent people.

The key to resolving conflict is to identify the core values being threatened. This takes patience, self-control, and open communication. Sometimes emotional reactions occur  because someone feels disrespected, unloved, or unheard. An emotional reaction is a flag to let us know we have touched on something deeply personal.

If we can keep our emotions under control, but not deny or repress them, we will able to navigate conflict more calmly and rationally. Emotional outbursts only serve to escalate an already heated situation.

If someone truly cares about you and the relationship, they will make the effort to communicate and be honest with how they are feeling. Authenticity is key to any healthy relationship.

So here to recap are 5 keys to resolving those difficult relationship conflicts:
1. Understand your values
2. Understand the values of the other party
3. Keep your emotions under control
4. Communicate in a respectful way
5. Decide together on a win-win solution

I have found that once people feel heard, understood, and respected, a resolution can be achieved.

If this post was helpful, consider joining our blog community. Enter your email address in the box provided and you'll receive my weekly posts as well as a copy of my free eguide "7 Steps to Finding Your Spiritual Path". 

Stay tuned for more positive and practical wisdom to help you find healing, wholeness, health, and harmony!

Until next time, keep looking up!

Ariel Paz

What to Do About the Difficult Person in Your Life

Is there someone in your life with whom you just can't seem to get along? It could be a coworker, a boss, or even a close family member. We all have someone that is a challenge to get along with so today we are going to talk about how to manage that relationship and still keep your peace. 

First, it is important to realize this: that difficult person is in your life for a reason. There is a lesson your soul needs to learn and they are the teacher. When we run away from difficult people, before we learn the lesson, be sure that life will serve us up someone else to help us learn the very same lesson. 

So, what to do after an argument or conflict?

1. Get your emotions under control. 

Nothing good is accomplished in the heat of the moment. When our emotions are all fired up, logic goes out the door. We need to see clearly what is going on when the fog of the frustration and anger has cleared. 

2. Take a step back. 

Rather than continue to fight it out with our egos and our pride, the next thing is to take a step back. Realize sometimes relationships have to go backwards before they can go forwards because we are all human and the stresses of life cause us to resort to our old patterns of behavior. 

3. Think about your part in the problem. 

We all like to point the finger of blame at the other person. Why? Because of our egos. We don't want to accept responsibility for any wrong-doing, but as I often remind myself,  there are always two sides to any story. Ask yourself what could you have done differently. One of my problems is I am too nice and eager to please. Often, if I had just listened to my gut, I would have said no and probably avoided the problem in the first place. 

Here's a recent story that happened when I failed to say "No" to my oldest son. Mother's Day was approaching. He asked me what I wanted to do and told me his expectant wife was unable to go out of the house. I wanted to do something fun but instead, capitulated and said okay and I agreed to drive over to his house on the other side of town. I could feel the tension in our conversations in the weeks preceding but was hopeful everything would work out. I was dead wrong. Spare you all the details, but it took me over 50 minutes in the pouring rain and heavy traffic to get to his house. He was waiting for me to go pick up the carryout, and said I couldn't stay in the house alone when I wanted to relax after the exhausting drive. Right there something was fishy. My gut was telling me to say "No, don't go over there" that very morning, but I ignored it. What I should have said was "Sounds like you are not up to celebrating Mother's Day today, let's make it another day". My peace of mind would have thanked me and it would have prevented the migraine I had the next day. If only....

4. Say your peace

After we have calmed down, and thought about our part of the problem, it is time to try to resolve the issue with the other person. It takes two people to want to resolve problems and sometimes, the other party doesn't want to resolve it. Go ahead anyway and say your peace, be it by phone or email. I prefer in person talks. Communicate your feelings to the other person. Avoid using blame terms such as "You did this...". Use " I feel (name the emotion)" sentences. This gets to the root of how you are feeling so that the other person can understand. Now, if you are dealing with someone with narcissistic tendencies, this might not get through, but at least you will have gotten it out. 

Another thing we can do is to suggest solutions to prevent the problem from happening again. Life is a live-and-learn arena. Holidays can be especially stressful and they will not always turn out the way we would like. Adjust, accept and move on. 

5. Give them to God.

If the other person refuses to address the situation, this is unhealthy for the relationship. It is also out of your control. In this case, once you have confronted the issue, expressed your feelings and taken responsibility for your part, it is time to give it to God. In other words, you have done all you can, and it is now up to God to work on the other person. We never know how long this might take, but if we want peace of mind, we must stop ruminating on the problem and trust that God will work it out when it is appropriate. Go on living and enjoying your life and don't give any more energy to a negative situation. 

So there you have them: 5 steps to dealing with a difficult person. I hope this personal post has given you some insight into how to deal with the people in our lives. If so, please join our blog community and enter your email address in the box provided. You'll receive my weekly encouraging and educational posts as well as my free e-guide entitled "7 Steps to Finding Your Spiritual Path". 

Stay tuned for more positive, practical, and powerful wisdom to help you ignite the power within and discover YOUR destiny!

Until next time, 

Keep looking up!

Ariel Paz 

How to Deal With Drama at the Holidays

Don't you just wish, for once, holidays could be drama-free? Do you think it is ever possible? I think there have been years - occasionally- when the holidays have been peaceful, but whenever people come in and out of our lives like a merry-go-round, there's bound to be drama. It takes time and patience to learn how to get along with others and how to make holidays enjoyable for all. I guess I should just resolve myself to the fact that no matter how much I strive for peace and to get along with everyone, it just is not always possible.

Everybody has stressors. Some we know about. Some we don't.  I think it is pretty safe to say that most people are not advertising everything that is stressful in their lives. I've realized I'm not even aware of everything that is stressing me on any given day, so I keep a journal and list everything that is bothering me. It really helps to be aware of what is impacting me so I can adjust accordingly. We just never know what someone is dealing with but it does seem that holidays, for whatever reason, tends to be more stressful.

I guess that's why people go to the beach or take a vacation to avoid dealing with any of it and I can't say that I blame them. You gotta do what you gotta do. But I think the issues that arise over some holidays are issues that need to be dealt with, and not run away from. The holidays have a way of bringing stuff to the forefront, kind of like saying "Deal with me. Deal with me."

We all have baggage of some sort, I don't care how young or old you are. Now I am not a psychologist, but I do notice patterns in people's behavior, especially my own. For example, I don't like to be an after-thought. Reminds me of the way my ex used to treat me. I was always last on his priority list. I didn't like it then and I don't like it now. I think it probably stems for some sort of left-over rejection from having an alcoholic for a father who was always in his own world and too bombed to pay any attention to his daughter. If you had an emotionally absent parent, you understand what I'm talking about. A parent's job is to make their children feel loved, secure, and valued. Nonetheless, this is part of what any love relationship is about - helping to heal the other person through love.

Any time I start feeling like this, I get angry. No longer do I "suck it up" or pretend it doesn't bother me. Now I say something sooner rather than later. Experts say the best way to share these feelings is by using an "I feel" sentence. I've also learned that expressing my hurt feelings will most likely cause a problem because most people, except for my youngest son bless his heart, don't know how to handle confrontation in a safe, healthy, and mature manner.

They either:

a) get defensive

b) give me an excuse

c) raise their voice

Usually all three. None of which are healthy and productive to the resolution of the problem . These behaviors cause distance and alienation rather than connection and healing. A better response would go something like this:

"Gee, I'm sorry you felt...... I didn't mean to cause you pain. I will try better in the future to...." 

This kind of response shows accountability and responsibility and more importantly, compassion, which is what we want from our close friends and loved ones. Sadly, many people are not at a level of maturity to be able to respond this way, which of course, is out of our control. So what to do in these kinds of situations?

1. Do not get riled up yourself. Exercise self-control or withdraw from the conversation. 

2. Have compassion for the other party and for yourself. We are all on our own journey. 

3. Say what you have to say, kindly and calmly, but don't count on the other person being able to receive it properly. Sometimes I do this through email to avoid a hostile reaction.

4. Pray for the relationship and for God to bring clarity and understanding to both parties.
5. Own your part of the problem and decide what YOU can do differently. As my oldest son says, it takes two to tango.

Once I have said what I have to say, I give it to God, regardless of the reaction of the other person. The key is to not hold onto the resentment, rejection, or negative feeling. We have to get it out. Holding negative emotions in causes physical and mental stress which lowers our immune system and makes us more likely to get sick. Typically, I get a migraine from ruminating about the situation but everyone reacts differently. 

I hope this post has been helpful. I write from my personal experiences and I know many of you struggle with the same sorts of issues. Your feedback is always welcome. If you'd like to join our blog community, enter your email address in the box provided. You'll receive my bi-weekly posts plus a copy of my free eguide entitled " 7 Steps to Finding Your Spiritual Path".

Stay tuned for more practical and positive wisdom to help you ignite the power within and discover YOUR DESTINY!

Until next time, keep looking up!

Ariel Paz

7 Practical Steps to Enjoying More Rewarding Relationships

Ever feel like you're repeating the same problems over and over, either with the same person or with different people? It's so frustrating! I've learned when this happens, there is a lesson I have not learned. Conflict, although not pleasant, is actually a good thing. It is a sign that something is not working in a relationship. If you missed Part 1 of this message, check out my post entitled "5 Benefits of Dealing with Conflict".

Conflict resolution is a skill we learn as we go. It is not something taught in school, unfortunately, but we learn in the school of life. I think they should make it part of the curriculum. I bet we'd have a lot less divorces.

Studies show that couples who are able to resolve conflict are the ones who are able to maintain their marriages. Relationship expert, John Gottman, talks about this in his book "The 7 Principles for Making Marriage Work". 

Here are 7 practical steps to help you deal with conflict and enjoy more rewarding relationships.

1. Pay Attention to your Feelings
It's taken me years to get in touch with my feelings. My mother always told me I was "too sensitive". I learned to push them down and ignore them which is both unhealthy and unproductive. Our feelings are trying to send us a message to help and to guide us. If we ignore what we are feeling, we don't receive the message, miss the message and worse, end up making poor decisions we later regret.

At age 20, I ignored the warning signs my body and spirit were sending me and plunged into an emotionally unhealthy and abusive marriage that lasted 15 ugly years. This is what can happen when we ignore our feelings and our gut.

2. Address issues 
When we address issues in our interpersonal relationships, we get them out on the table in plain sight. In other words, we bring light to the darkness. Rather than avoid issues and sweep them "under the rug", it is much healthier to deal with them upfront. It is an opportunity for the wounded party to express their feelings and for the other party to change or make amends. Anger often builds because we do not understand why the other person is acting in a certain way. Communication and discussion lead to understanding which is a key component of resolving differences and preserving healthy relationships.

3. Express Your Feelings 
Sometimes we are aware of the behavior we want the other person to change and we focus on that, but we forget to explain how the person's behavior makes us feel. Experts instruct us to use "I feel...." statements when we are bringing up issues. "You always..." statements are blaming and unproductive.  "I" statements do not indicate self-centeredness. Using the "I" formation keeps us focused on what we are feeling rather than what the other person is doing. The objective is to not put the other person on the defensive. The goal is to communicate and work as a team to resolve the problem. Sadly, this is something many people are not aware of.

4. Recognize when you're at an impasse 

Conflict, tension, and anger all tell us that there is a problem in the relationship that needs to be addressed. If we continue to have the same discussion  over and over again and nothing changes, we are at an impasse.  Don't keep hitting your head against the wall by trying to discuss the same issue over and over. We have no control over whether another person is ready or willing to receive the message we are trying to pass. If time goes on and you're not seeing any changes or progress,

This means either:
1) the other person is not willing to change or
2) the other person is unable to change. They are not at a level of maturity that enables them to be able to change.

If someone truly cares for you and wants to preserve the relationship, he or she will make a reasonable effort to change.

5. Give It Some Space
When we are at an impasse, it is time to take a break from the relationship whatever way you can. If you don't live with the person, don't call them or visit them. I don't care who it is. Parents and children are not exempt from this. Do not feel guilty. You are taking steps to preserve the relationship and your sanity since the other person is not budging. One caveat is we don't know how the other person is going to respond. He or she may completely sever the relationship, but this is out of your control. This means they didn't value it enough in the first place, so you have lost nothing really.

6. Grieve the Loss 
This is not an easy pill to swallow. Close relationships are precious. When they don't work out, it is painful and grieving is a necessary part of the process. Allow yourself to feel your grief. It is sad. It is painful. But remember, it will pass. You will move past this.

At some point, you will realize the relationship was not healthy in the first place. Be gentle with yourself during this time and don't be quick to rush into another relationship just because you miss the other person and feel lonely. Give yourself time to heal and to reflect on what could have been done differently on your end so you can move forward in a more healthy manner.

7. Let it Go
There's a song by Sting that says "If you love somebody, set them free". Enjoy the video. This is probably the most loving thing we can do is to stop trying to get another person to change. The only person we can change is ourselves. We may be at a level to be able to address conflict maturely, but the other person may not.

Now I am not saying I have this all down perfectly. I struggle with some things in this area as well but one of the reasons I write these posts is to help me remember these lessons too.

I hope this post has encouraged you and given you some practical ways to address conflict in your relationships. If you enjoyed this post and would like to join our growing community, enter your email address in the box provided. You'll also receive a copy of my free e-guide entitled "7 Steps to Finding Your Spiritual Path".

Stay tuned for more on how to find healing, wholeness, and harmony in your life and your relationshps so you can discover your destiny and live the life you deserve.

Until next time, keep looking up!

Ariel Paz