How to Make a Huge Difference in Your Relationships

If you could do one thing that would improve the quality of your relationships in a big way, would you do it? Since we're talking about communication and relationships this month, I want to share some tips on how you might connect better with your loved ones. 

Research Says
Did you know people feel and experience love differently? According to Dr. Gary Chapman, author of the book series on the 5 love languages, there are five ways people experience being loved. Today, I am sharing on the second love language and how it can make a huge difference in your relationships.

Psychologist William James says that one of the deepest human needs is to feel appreciated. The second love language is words of affirmation. Many people experience love through positive words. These include but are not limited to: praise, encouragement, compliments, approval, and appreciation.

For the Guys 
Many men have a hard time expressing their feelings. In particular, saying those three little words "I love you". "Oh, she knows I love her. Look how hard I work for her," you might be saying to yourself. Guys, if words of affirmation is her love language, she needs to HEAR it from you directly, especially your mother. No woman gets tired of hearing these 3 little words. 

In the same way, she needs to hear "You are so beautiful!". Just be sure it is sincere and not overdone. I once dated a guy that told me I was beautiful so often, I actually got tired of hearing it because it seemed manipulative. Words of affirmation need to be sincere, from the heart and not overdone. 

For the Gals 
Same thing for you gals out there. The men in your life need your affirmation and acceptance as well.  He needs to HEAR how much you appreciate the things he does for you.
"Thank you for picking me up."
"I appreciate you watching the kids today."
"Thank you for taking care of dinner tonight".
"You look great in that suit."
"Your muscles are so sexy." 

"I appreciate you listening to me." 

"Thank you for putting gas in my car." 

Increase the Positive

Relationship psychologists say it takes 5 positive comments to make up for 1 critical comment. People often get a kick out of making fun and criticizing others. Listen to the comics on television and on stage. People pick up this habit and think it is funny but look how depressed many famous comedians are off-stage. Take Robin Williams as an example. 

When someone is insecure, they feel better about themselves when they make someone else feel less than. This may be funny to some, but no one wants to be put down. Negative comments can cause or open up wounds that have been trying to heal. If you want to see your relationships flourish, try being more affirming and less critical. Look for the positive. Everyone needs encouragement which is one of the reasons I write this blog - for you friend!

Just Zip it

It is easy in the heat of the moment to blurt out a harsh, mean, or critical comment. We justify our actions by blaming the other person, but ultimately WE are RESPONSIBLE for what comes out of our mouths, not anyone else. 

It is our responsibility to control our emotions and our actions. These days, it seems no one wants to be held accountable and everyone wants to judge. I'm sure you've heard the phrase "If you don't have anything nice to say, keep your mouth shut" or something like that. I still have work to do in this area, too. I like to give advice, give my opinion, judge another's choices. Smack me, would you? Each of us is responsible for our own decisions and our own lives. And each of us will reap the consequences of our decisions - good or bad. Sometimes we have to just let go and let God. 

It's Biblical 

The apostle James exhorts us to "Be quick to listen, slow to speak, and slow to get angry" James 1:19). When you feel yourself getting emotionally wrought up, take a breath, take a break, walk away and calm down before you say something you will regret later. Hurtful words said in the heat of the moment damage relationships and can never be taken back. 

Relationships are imperfect at best and some are smoother than others but there is always room for improvement. If someone you love is distant or cold and you don't understand why, try using more words of affirmation and see if you get different results.

 

Two good reminders about our speech come from Scripture.

Ephesians 4:29 encourages us in this regard: "Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths but only what is helpful in building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen." 

Colossians 4:6 says "Let your conversation be always full of grace, seasoned with salt, so that you may know how to answer everyone." Every year I choose a word or a scripture phrase to focus on for the year, this year, my word is Kindness. There is always room to come up higher in this area. Who can you be more kind to?

For Reflection

Who in your life could use some words of affirmation? When was the last time you said "I love you" or "I appreciate you." to your significant other or family member? What words can you use to encourage and uplift a friend or loved one? 

If you enjoyed this post and found it helpful, do let me know by leaving a comment. I appreciate your feedback. If you'd like to join our community enter your email address in the box provided. You'll receive my weekly posts plus a copy of my free ebook entitled "How to Develop a Spiritual Practice ". Do be sure to check out my offerings over on Pinterest. You'll find info on a plethora of topics. 

Until next time, give someone a compliment and remember, 

Keep looking up!

Ariel Paz

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All rights reserved. If you wish to use this material contact me at arielpaz08@gmail.com

7 Tips for Feeling Loved as a Single

Some questions should never be asked. "Why are you still single?" is one of them.

Hint: if you are married, NEVER ask this question of a single friend unless you no longer want to have them as a friend. As part of our series on relationships, today I am sharing some tips to encourage those of us who are single for whatever reason and at whatever age. 

Let's face it - we live in a couples' world. Everything is set up based on two people. This fact came home pretty hard this past week.

I received an offer in the mail for a free vacation, airfare and hotel, for two. Excitement started to percolate as I thought about the possibilities of where I would like to travel. I called the number on the letter, got all the information and decided I was willing to endure the 90 minute spiel to get the free tickets. It was about then that the marketer asks the question:

"Are you married or cohabitating?"

"No, I am not married or cohabitating," I replied.

"Well then, I apologize, but we cannot extend this offer to you. It's only for couples."

Bummer.

Now I know many married folks would love to be single again. However, as glamorous and exciting as it may seem, being single is not all that easy or glamorous. The full load of all life's responsibilities falls squarely on one person's shoulders and that is quite a hefty burden to bear. Take heart, friends.You are not alone and, as a long-time single, I am here to tell you it is possible to survive and thrive as a single regardless of whether Mr. or Ms. Right ever comes along. 

Below are 7 tips I've learned over the years that help me focus on the positives when my mind wants to focus on the negatives of the single life.

1. Be thankful for our singleness.
Yes, I know it is difficult at times, but as a happily divorced lady, I can tell you being single is a heck of a lot better than being in a bad marriage - by far! No relationship is worth losing your health or your peace and a bad relationship will steal both. The Apostle Paul was single and he endured some pretty rough times, but he was used mightily by God and I think that is one of the reasons God allows certain people to be single - to have the time to serve Him. Phil 4:11 says this: "I have learned to be content in whatever circumstances I am in."  Be thankful for your lot in life, whatever your circumstances and you will enjoy each day more and more. 

2. Remember how much God loves YOU.
One of the main keys to feeling truly loved no matter what our status is, is to realize how much God truly loves us.  Having been abandoned by loved ones more times than I wish to recall, I know now that God's love is unfailing. He shows me his love through friends, unexpected surprises, through his provision and through his grace. Yes, it hurts when people abandon us, but it doesn't have to crush us. People have their own issues to deal with. I've heard it said that hurting people hurt others. 

Instead of focusing on how much someone hurt you, realize they are acting out of their own hurts, fears, and insecurities. Now I am by no means implying anyone should put up with abusive behavior. Try focusing instead on how much God loves and cares for you. Look for the blessings in your life. I say "Thank you, Lord" quite a lot these days. No matter who walks out of your life, God will always be right by your side and he will send someone to be there for you as well. 

3.  Remember that God has a plan for each of us.
Sometimes it takes years for God's plan to be revealed. Honestly, I think it has a lot to do with the lessons we each need to learn and how long it takes us to learn them. Discover your gifts and begin using them for the glory of God to serve other people. We each have gifts and when we get out of our self-centered selves to focus on other people's needs, we will be filled with joy, purpose, and have less time to have a pity party.

4. Make space.
Clean out your house, your garage, your closets. Get counseling to get rid of your old emotional baggage. Develop a spiritual practice. In other words, get rid of all the material and emotional clutter.  Many singles I know are out every night of the week partying or working so much they have no time to heal themselves so they will be ready for a significant other. If you want God to bring you a partner, you best heal yourself first and then make sure you have the time and energy to devote to him or her.

5. Don't settle.
Now I know many of you, gals in particular, feel like the clock is ticking. Every time some guy asks me how old my kids are I think "Here we go again...". I tell them straight up. I don't believe in hiding information. The truth is going to come out sooner or later and better to deal with issues up front than after you become emotionally attached. Mr. Right will love you for who YOU are and accept your kids whole-heartedly. If he doesn't then he is not your Mr. Right. Next!

6. Trust God's timing.
It's easy to take things into our own hands and try to make things happen on our own timetable. I tried that when I was approaching my 50th birthday. I had a goal to be engaged by the time I was 50, but the guy I was dating at the time turned out to be a liar and a jealous jerk. I broke up with him right before the big bash. When the DJ at my party asked why I was not dating anyone since I "had it all", I answered "Life is too short for drama and conflict." He agreed. 

God sees the big picture for your life. He is working behind the scenes preparing other people. Focus on healing yourself and becoming the best person you can be. The more issues you clear out of the way beforehand, the smoother your relationship with Mr/Ms Right will be when they show up. 

7. Realize singleness is a blessing, not a curse. 
Not everyone can handle being single. Singleness requires a lot of faith, strength, confidence, and responsibility. It takes guts and courage. Singleness is not something to be ashamed of, it is something to be proud of. Singleness is a gift from God. Not everyone can handle the responsibilities of singlehood. 

There are a lot of married folk out there who would love to be single and have the freedom we singles enjoy. We can cook or not cook. We can come home to a quiet peaceful, clean house. We don't have to deal with another person's moods and fits. We have the whole bed to ourselves. We have more time to be a blessing to others and to pursue our personal and spiritual growth. Not a bad lot, I'd say. 

For Reflection:

Are you longing to be married? Do you think something is wrong with you because you are not? What can you focus on to make yourself a better you? Who can you reach out to serve?

Life is about growing and learning to love and serve others and there are plenty of opportunities to do both regardless of whether we are married or single. Often we think another person will make us happy and complete our lives, but this is simply not true. We must make ourselves happy. Don't put that burden on someone else.

I hope this post helped give you a different perspective on relationships and singleness. Pass it along to one of your single friends and consider joining our community by entering your email address in the box provided.  You'll receive my weekly posts and a copy of my free, newly revised ebook entitled "7 Steps to Finding Your Spiritual Path". 

No matter what our marital status may be, each day is a gift so live and enjoy it to the max and remember to be a blessing!

Stay tuned for more igniting the power within and discovering YOUR destiny!

Until next time, keep looking up!

Ariel Paz

All rights reserved. If you wish to use this material, contact me at arielpaz08@gmail.com

Letting Go of Unhealthy Relationships

Is there someone in your life that constantly stresses you out? Is hard to get along with? Drains your energy? We all have at least one. These people are our greatest teachers. Today's post is about how and when to let go of a relationship that is stealing your peace and joy.

Now you know I am all for faith, believing the best, and hanging in there when the going gets tough. However, God wants us to live in peace and harmony and sometimes, for whatever reason, peace and harmony are absent. Instead, there is strife, conflict, division, unrest. This is not God's will for his children. Our destiny is to be full of peace and joy so we can be a blessing to others.

People change. What once may have been a great relationship may have gone sour. As we grow, the other person does not always grow with us or at the same pace. We need to recognize when it is time to let go of a relationship. This can be very difficult because we are often emotionally connected to the other person. We try so hard to make the relationship work but at some point we have to realize that although we love them, we cannot continue to be in relationship with them. We have to prioritize our own health and well-being.

But before we decide to go this route, it is important to take a good hard look inside and ask ourselves this question "Have I done everything I can to improve this relationship?" When I was married, it was a very turbulent situation. I read books, went to counseling, and attended Al-Anon. I did everything I could to make the marriage work because I did not want to be a single mom. But my ex refused to change or do anything to help the marriage. His response was "I'm not the first to be divorced and I won't be the last." He refused to take any personal responsibility for his part.

The tendency is to blame the other person, rather than take personal responsibility. It takes guts to admit our faults and it takes effort to change. We have to value the other person enough to do this, but the ego gets in the way. We make excuses, blame, name-call, label, use passive-aggressive behavior and projection rather than learn healthy communication skills. We apologize but then go right back to our old behaviors. Apologies are good, but they are only the first step.

As I say in my book, "The Power of Faith", don't fall for someone's pretty promises. Actions speak louder than words. Wait to see changed behavior before opening your heart to the other person again. When we continue to allow bad behavior we are in effect saying, "It's okay to treat me like this."

Here are some signs it time to let go of someone:
1. constant strife and arguing
2. inability to resolve conflict
3. repeated hurtful patterns of behavior
4. disrespect such as raised voices, being late, betrayal of confidences, gossip
5. taking you for granted, not putting any effort into making the relationship work
6. jealousy, insecurity, immature behavior

It is normal to feel hurt when we are treated this way, but we have to realize it is not about us, it is about them. Letting go can be difficult, especially if we have been in the relationship for a long time, but at some point we have to say "I choose peace and self-respect over this." Read "Love is Letting Go of Fear" for more on this.

If repeated attempts to ask for what you need are not being heard or received, it is time to let go. Sometimes people are not at a place where they can give you what you need. Then it is time to give them space.

Letting go does not have to be permanent. The other person might just need a wake-up call. You've probably heard the phrase "If you love someone, set them free."

Life is too short to live in strife, conflict and disrespect. When we recognize our value we will not tolerate these from anyone. Instead of spending our energy trying to get someone to change, we can use that time and energy to pursue our own goals and dreams.

Perhaps it is time to let go of someone in your life. If we want peace and harmony, we sometimes have to make tough love decisions and if it is God's will, the person will come back to us. In the meantime, enjoy your life and remember to be a blessing to others.

If this post was helpful, do leave a comment. If you'd like to join our community, enter your email address in the box provided. You'll receive my bi-weekly positive and practical posts as well as a copy of my eguide "7 Steps to Finding Your Spiritual Path".

Until next time, stay tuned for more on igniting the power within and discovering YOUR destiny!

Keep looking up!

Ariel Paz 

Understanding Relational Conflict

Relationships can be heaven or hell. Most of them are somewhere in between. Things can be going along swimmingly when out of the blue, we hit a rough patch. It's like when your car hits black ice - you didn't see it coming; you feel fearful and out of control.

Conflict in relationships can make us feel the same way: fearful and out of control. We fear losing something we value often our self-respect or the relationship. We don't know what to do and we often say things we regret in the heat of the moment. Yet, conflict is actually a good thing and today we'll be discussing how and why we hit these potholes.

First, a short story to illustrate.

A just-married couple was at the grocery store buying food for a cookout. The husband wanted the ground beef and the wife wanted the pre-made patties. Gridlock. Why? Because they were experiencing a conflict of values. He valued economy. She valued convenience.

The really difficult relational battles arise over differences in values. Values are deeply-held beliefs that have developed over time and are ingrained in our thinking. We do not change them easily. We can look at the global battles of history to see more extreme examples.The Germans valued blond hair and blue eyes which led to the extermination of millions of innocent people.

The key to resolving conflict is to identify the core values being threatened. This takes patience, self-control, and open communication. Sometimes emotional reactions occur  because someone feels disrespected, unloved, or unheard. An emotional reaction is a flag to let us know we have touched on something deeply personal.

If we can keep our emotions under control, but not deny or repress them, we will able to navigate conflict more calmly and rationally. Emotional outbursts only serve to escalate an already heated situation.

If someone truly cares about you and the relationship, they will make the effort to communicate and be honest with how they are feeling. Authenticity is key to any healthy relationship.

So here to recap are 5 keys to resolving those difficult relationship conflicts:
1. Understand your values
2. Understand the values of the other party
3. Keep your emotions under control
4. Communicate in a respectful way
5. Decide together on a win-win solution

I have found that once people feel heard, understood, and respected, a resolution can be achieved.

If this post was helpful, consider joining our blog community. Enter your email address in the box provided and you'll receive my weekly posts as well as a copy of my free eguide "7 Steps to Finding Your Spiritual Path". 

Stay tuned for more positive and practical wisdom to help you find healing, wholeness, health, and harmony!

Until next time, keep looking up!

Ariel Paz

The #1 Problem in Relationships and How to Solve It

Relationships can be heavenly, hellish, or somewhere in between. Ask anyone who's been happily married for years or who has been through a bitter divorce. The problem extends not only to married relationships but to all relationships as well.

The question researchers have pondered for years is: what is the difference between a happily married couple who enjoys intimacy, warmth, and loving kindness versus an unhappy, unfulfilled relationship where each partner feels alone and unloved. The findings from an intensive study at Stanford University might give us a clue.

According to a study of 1500 people by associate professor, Dr. David Burns, the primary disparity between happily married partners and unhappy, dissatisfied couples boils down to this: whether  or not and to what degree partners take responsibility for their actions or play the "blame and shame" game with each other.

Some people have difficulty taking responsibility for themselves and the difficult situations they find themselves in. When faced with difficult situations due to their own poor choices, rather than turn the mirror inward, these people, who often have a narcissistic tendency to begin with,  blame their situations on another person, typically the one closest to them. They have incorrectly associated taking responsibility with being "wrong".

To these folks, admitting their part is akin to admitting guilt or defeat. It stems from an unrealistic self-image. As children, at some level, these people have learned that admitting responsibility equates to admitting guilt, shame, and self-reproach. They cannot assume responsibility without also assuming they are fundamentally bad people. Nothing could be further from the truth.

Jesus said this: "There is no condemnation in Christ Jesus," (Romans 8:1). We are all human and we all make mistakes. It is both unhealthy and unwise to be so hard on ourselves that we think of ourselves as bad to the core. We must unlearn this faulty thinking. Accept the fact that none of us is perfect and that we will make mistakes. Forgive ourselves but also accept responsibility for our choices, attitudes, and behaviors. Only then can we enjoy healthy, happy, relationships with one another and stop the "blame and shame" game. 

True love feels safe to explore and admit one's weaknesses. We have the freedom to admit our faults without fear of being judged or criticized. When we are loved and accepted for who we are, we have the courage to face ourselves squarely in the mirror and make the necessary adjustments. There is little talk of who is right or wrong. It is a step forward in the process of self-awareness and personal growth.

In what situations today do you feel blamed or shamed? Or are you the one doing the blaming and refusing to accept responsibility for your actions? The answer is to understand no one on earth can love us perfectly. It is only when we accept the unconditional love of God and understand how much he loves each of us uniquely can we feel truly affirmed, accepted, and loved.

If this post resonated with you, please consider joining our community. Enter your email address in the box provided and you will receive my weekly posts plus my free eguide "7 Steps to Finding Your Spiritual Path". 

Stay tuned for more practical and positive wisdom and until next time, keep looking up!


 Ariel Paz

All rights reserved. If you wish to use this material, contact me at arielpaz08@gmail.com