How to Surrender to God

We've all heard the expression "Let go and let God", right? I assumed everyone understood what this means until I posted this photo on Facebook and a friend came back with the question "How do you do that?"

Another word for letting go is to surrender. Detach. Give people space. It is a crucial skill to learn if we want to have peace in our lives and in our relationships. Let's jump in. 

1. First step is to realize that letting go is an ongoing process.
We learn to let go. It doesn't come naturally. We develop the ability to let go gradually as we experience loss, grief, and pain in our lives such as when a loved one dies or leaves home, a beloved pet dies, or when a relationship ends. Letting go is an ongoing process because life is constantly in a state of change.

2.  Another term related to letting go is "detachment" which means separating ourselves from another person. 
In recovery terms, detachment means emotionally disconnecting from the abusive, destructive or unhealthy behavior of another person for our own well-being. We think we are being caring, but really, we are being codependent. 

Detaching does not mean we stop loving or caring about the other person but we no longer allow their behaviors to steal our peace and joy. We don't get into it with them. We stop trying to change them or get them to change. It's not our monkey. 

Some extreme examples would be living with an alcoholic, an addict, a gambler, or an angry person. Sometimes, we have to detach from family and friends who, for whatever reason, are unable to participate fully in a healthy relationship. It takes two healthy people to make any relationship work.

When we detach, we find more time and energy to love and take care of  ourselves and we allow the other person the time and space to deal with their own issues. It is truly the loving thing to do for both parties. 

3. Letting go has to do with responsibility. 

Sometimes we take on responsibility for problems we do not own. For example, a parent taking financial responsibility for an adult child. A mother not allowing her children to suffer the consequences of their actions. A spouse covering for a partner's addiction such as overspending, drinking, gambling, getting into fights, etc. Codependency causes people to take on others' consequences to the detriment of their own physical and financial well-being. 

4. Letting go is the opposite of controlling. 

People who are overly responsible are often codependent and usually have control issues. Codependents think they are taking care of others, but in reality, it is a form of control based on fear. Most people have control issues to some degree, but fearful people are on the extreme end of the spectrum. If someone you know is controlling, one question to ask them is: "What are you afraid of here?" This will help bring to light the irrational fear they may be struggling with.

No one wants to be controlled.  We are responsible for managing our own lives, but not the lives of those around us. Often, our "caring" efforts are seen as controlling. This is when relationships deteriorate. When we let go of control, we allow the other person the freedom and the dignity to make their own choices and experience the results of those choices.

5. Letting go applies to every area of our lives.
Many people hold on to stuff for years and years for emotional reasons. I once dated a guy who had an entire office filled with old newspapers he'd never read. His garage was packed with stuff his kids used when they were little. These people have a hard time "letting go" of stuff. They've even made a TV show out of this behavior called "Hoarders". If you have a hard time parting with material things, your house is cluttered, and your garage is overflowing, you may want to examine your reasons for holding on to all of that. Does it make you feel loved? Secure? Are you holding on to the past? Think of cleaning house as an opportunity to practice letting go and open yourself up to NEW ADVENTURES!

6.  Surrender to God's will.
When we learn to let go in our lives, we are basically saying "Thy will be done" or "Que sera sera". We no longer insist on our agendas, our plans, and our timeframes. We are more flexible and resilient when the unexpected happens. We feel more peace and tranquility because we have let go of the need to control the outcome of events. We really can't control very much in life. We can't control the stock market, our relatives, our kids, or what happens in the world so we might as well accept life as it is and enjoy it the best we can. Here is the Serenity Prayer in its entirety:

The Serenity Prayer

 God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference. Living one day at a time, enjoying one moment at a time; accepting hardship as a pathway to peace; taking, as Jesus did, this sinful world as it is, not as I would have it; trusting that You will make all things right

if I surrender to Your will; so that I may be reasonably happy in this life and supremely happy with You forever in the next. Amen. 

Reinhold Niebuhr

Personal Story

So yesterday, I was all dressed and ready to go hear an outdoor concert about 20 minutes from me. I checked my tires and they were on the low side so decided to try and fill them myself. Well. After 3 gas stations and 2 broken air machines, one of my tires had no air in it. The "Check tire pressure" warning came up.

Immediately, I said a prayer to make it back to another gas station and thankfully, their machine was working. Sort of. I was able to inflate the tire. This was in 97 degree heat, mind you. An hour had gone by. My white capris were filthy and I was a sweaty disgusted mess. I paused to think and pray. Then I did what I'm telling you to do. I let my plans go. Things happen. I drove home and headed straight for the pool. Immediately all the stress washed away and my joy returned. Folks, when things seem to work against you for whatever reason, choose whatever will bring you peace in the moment. 

7. Evaluate my priorities.
There are only 24 hours in every day and we only have so many days to live. How will I choose to live them and with whom? I reexamine my priorities several times a year. I make a conscious choice on where, how, and with whom I want to spend my time.

I have learned that in order to add something or someone new to my life, I must let go of something or someone else or I will be out of balance. When we let go of an unhealthy relationship, we are open to receive a healthier one in its place. First, we will get a test to see if we will go back to our old patterns of accepting unhealthy behavior. After we pass that test, God will bring us healthier friends. 

When we let go of anxiety and worry, we make room for peace and joy. When we let go of activity, we make room for relaxation and self-care. It's all a matter of evaluating what is important to us in the here and now.

8. Choosing Peace over Control 
If we want to have more peace and joy and less stress in our lives, learning to let go is one of life's most important lessons.  I have a post- it note on which is written a quote from Oprah Winfrey that says: "All stress comes from resisting what is". I think she is right on. 

Some of us, including me as an oldest child in a dysfunctional family, have become too responsible for others. And yes, it is still a problem. When the adults in a family don't assume their rightful responsibilities, then the children are left to do so, sadly. A sign we are too controlling is when we start to experience push-back from other people. This is the time to step back and give the relationship space and distance. 

Personal Story - Dealing with elderly relatives 

So my 95 year old mother was in a sad state. She couldn't walk. She fractured her back earlier last year, and we had to move her to assisted living. I had to take over handling all of her stuff - her phone, her drs appts, her physical therapist, her medications, her finances, her bills. You may be dealing with a similar situation. It's tough on everyone. 

Well, I thought I was helping her by taking on these responsibilities, but what I came to realize is she became angry or resentful at me for doing so. Sadly. Who else was going to care for her? 

Then it dawned on me. She is angry at herself and projecting it onto me. So I have decided to do what I am telling you to do - take a step back. Let her call me. Stop being so responsible for all her stuff. She still has a decent mind and can and should speak up for herself. It was a tough lesson to learn but when people are ungrateful for your help, maybe they don't really want it. Let me say that again.

To Learn More on Letting Go

If you want more information on letting go, get your copy of my new book "Ignite the Power Within: 10 Steps to Supercharge Your Spiritual Growth", In it, I explain in detail the how, when, and what of letting go and the various areas of our lives that we get to practice this in. It is life changing for sure. 

For Reflection
So what have you let go of that made a difference in your life? What do you need to let go of today that could bring you more peace? Leave a comment or post in your journal. 

If you enjoyed this post, join our blog community. Enter your email address in the box provided & you'll receive my weekly posts and also a copy of my free e-guide entitled "7 Steps to Finding Your Spiritual Path" to get you started on your exciting spiritual journey. I am taking the month of August off from blogging to work on other pursuits so enjoy your summer and meet me back here in September. 

Stay tuned for more on having more peace in our relationships and our lives. 

Until next time, keep looking up!

Ariel Paz

How to Stay Joyful During Frustrating Times

Life can be stressful: finances, health issues, relationship problems, daily frustrations. Today I had another call from a collection agency threatening me over a bill that has already been paid in full. Talk about frustration.

It's easy to lose our joy amidst these challenges. We all have our struggles. The key is how we perceive them and how we respond to them. No one wants to be around a sourpuss or someone who is constantly talking about their problems. Much of this behavior comes from our personality type and the people we have been around. 

Today I’m sharing a few more techniques I use to maintain my joy during frustrating times. When things get challenging, it’s easy to lose track of what’s really important and to keep my focus where it should be, which is on staying in peace and living in joy.

So how can we be more joyful during times of peak stress? Here are a few tips I've learned over the years that help me keep my joy level up and my stress level down.

1. Learn to use that two-letter word "NO". 

Setting a firm boundary is one of the best ways I know to get back my joy and peace and I can't stress this strongly enough. 

Say no to the boss. Now this is a tough one, but you can do it. I worked for a large corporation whose IT department gave in to the unrealistic demands of the business partner. I was a single mom who had a family to take care of. I remember a gal who worked a lot of overtime one year. When bonus time came around, she was very disappointed. She learned a hard lesson - extra time doesn't always pay off in extra pay. 

On a social front, I only accept offers and invitations my heart is into. I say NO to everything else, especially around Christmas. 

I let go of relationships that drag me down and suck my energy. I take a break from stressful relatives. Just because they are a relative doesn't mean we  should allow mistreatment, disrespect, or tolerate their anger or negativity. Giving them distance allows them to think about their behavior but don't assume they are mind-readers. I am clear and direct about what is bothering me and what I want or need from them. Then it is up to them to decide how to behave if they want to move forward. Setting boundaries is risky because many people don't want to acknowledge their behavior or its impact on us. Many don't want to change. 

Say "no" to requests that are not your responsibility. The above mentioned collection agency wanted me to fax the payment to them for a bill that had already been paid and I told them "no". It was not my responsibility.

2.  Ditch the guilt.  

When I say NO, I am being true to my values. I don't need to feel guilty for saying "no". We are not respecting ourselves if we say yes to something when our heart is not in it. We are not respecting ourselves if we let someone else disrespect us. If I feel overly stressed doing something with someone, it's not worth it. Pay attention to that small voice inside, your gut, or however else your body speaks to you. 

3.  Look at the big picture. 
I ask myself this question "What's really important here?" The answer always is "My peace." 

When the stress level rises, it is easy to get bent out of shape over things that are trivial in the big picture. The logic side of our brain gets hijacked by the emotional side and we can't think straight. By stepping back, taking some deep breaths, and calming ourselves down, we can turn an upsetting situation around and regain our calm.

4. Learn to lighten up. 
I know I need work in this area. Still. Take a breath. Exhale the tension. Relax your shoulders. Calm your emotions. Then try and make a funny. Tell a story or a joke that doesn't offend anyone. Laughter decreases tension. Make a joke, just be sure it is not at the other person's expense. My youngest and I practice this whenever one of us is venting about something stressful. Ending on an up note helps everyone feel better.

5. Overlook people's mistakes. 
We are all human. People won't always be on time, say the right thing, give the perfect gift or respond the way you would like them to. The world is a messed up place. Communication is not optimum. Being aware of your frustration levels is key. Let go of the frustration quickly and don't dwell on what someone said or did that really won't matter tomorrow anyway. Frustration has an insidious way of building up and then we explode on an innocent person.

6. Focus on the positives.
Nobody's life is perfect, not mine, not your friend's, not the Hollywood or sports stars you admire.

We all have stuff. No church is perfect. No mate is perfect. We are not perfect.  The 6th key to maintaining our joy is to focus on the good things in our lives: the fact that we have a home, a car, a job, good health, friends. The fact that we have a tremendous amount of freedom in this country, that we are financially better off than most of the world and the fact that God gave us another day to enjoy. Despite the upsetting phone call this morning, I am focusing on the fact that I have the freedom, the time, and the tools to write this blog post to help encourage others.

7. Give yourself more down-time. 
The mind and the body need time to rejuvenate and process the events of the day. If you are one of those type-A personalities that is always checking their phone, consider unplugging. If you are a highly sensitive personality, like me, we need even more down-time. Respect your needs. Make time for quiet, reflection, exercise and rest. We must take care of our brains and our bodies if we want them to last and be functional for the long haul.

For Reflection

Who or what is stealing your joy today? Which of these tips can you implement today to restore your joy? With practice, we can learn to keep more of our peace and our joy even during peak stress seasons. I hope these 7 tips are helpful. Write me and share some techniques you use to maintain your joy so I can add them to the list.

If you enjoyed this post and would like to join our community, enter your email address in the box provided. You'll receive my positive and practical weekly posts plus a copy of my free guide entitled "7 Steps to Finding Your Spiritual Path".

This is the final post on this topic. Do write and let me know what topic you would like to read about in next month's series. Would love to hear from you. 

Until next time, keep your focus on living in joy, and above all, keep looking up!

Ariel Paz

3 Steps to a Better Relationship with God and Others

Do you sometimes feel disconnected from others? Far from God?  If so, you're not the only one. We all struggle with these times of seeming isolation and loneliness, even the married folk among us. It is in these times that it is even more important to turn inward and upwards to God.

Sometimes God allows these dry periods so we can come into a more intimate relationship with Him. We may not know exactly how to go about it so today I'm sharing three steps to developing a closer relationship with God.

Personal Story 
I was at a good friend's wedding having dinner, when a gentleman at our table shared that he had read my book, "The Power of Faith". He said he wished he had the same type of faith to get through the trials in his life and asked me if I thought if it was possible for anyone to develop a strong faith.

"Absolutely", I replied without a moment's hesitation.

In fact, God promises us this: "You will seek and find me when you search for me with all your heart," (Jer. 29:13). Just as healthy earthly parents want a good relationship with their kids, so our heavenly Father wants a close relationship with us. In the same way, if we want an intimate close relationship with another person or with God, we must be intentional about it.

"Well, how do you do that?" my typically shy and reserved friend inquired.

Now I know many of us are stuck in this sensory, material world we live in. If we can't see, feel, hear, touch, or smell it, we don't believe it exists. God does exist only in another reality - the spiritual realm and, as spiritual beings, we have to get comfortable operating in this realm as well. The good news is the same steps we take when we are serious about getting to know someone are the same steps we can use in developing a relationship with God.

1. Have an open heart.
Just as when we begin to fall in love with another person and believe they want a relationship with us, the same applies to God. We have to believe in our heart that it is possible to have a deeper relationship with God, that He loves you deeply, and wants to have an intimate relationship with you. God wants to connect you, just as much as the spiritual part of you wants to connect with Him. Once we let this truth permeate our minds, we open the doors for an amazing adventure.

2. Spend more time together.
Getting to know God is much the same as getting to know another person. When we make it a priority to spend time with someone, we get to know them at a deeper level. We come to know who they are, their likes and dislikes, their values, how they think. We each have our own way of spending time with God. Some of us like to take a walk by ourselves, go for a hike or a bike ride in nature. Others prefer to listen to relaxing music or work in the garden. Still others find God in a communal approach such as a church setting or a meditation group. Whatever puts you in a calm and receptive state of mind is conducive to meeting with God.

3. Learn how God feels and thinks about things.

In the same way we get to know another person by learning how he or she thinks and feels, we can get to know who God is. He is not some illusive being out there yonder. He is up close and personal. He wants to make himself known to us, to speak to us, and guide each of us - personally. 

These days, when we want to find out information about someone, we do a Google search and look them up on the Internet. We can do the same thing with God, believe it or not. We go to a reliable source and seek information. In fact, God has put much information about himself, his thoughts, his desires, and his ways of operating in one collection of books known as the Bible. 

Now I know many people have a problem with the Bible, saying it's old and antiquated but the truth is not much has changed in the way of relationships and human nature since it was written. And for sure, God has not changed. At all. 

Side note. Did you know that the way experts determine the validity of a manuscript is by how many copies there are of it? Did you know that the Bible is one of, if not the most copied manuscript in history?

When we make time to read Scripture, we learn who God is, what He thinks, and what is important to him. We also open up the channel of communication with Him to speak to us. You will be amazed when you start reading the Word, how some passage will jump right out at you and you will know that it is meant for you. Try it and see!

"One more thing," I said to my friend. "Just ask God to reveal Himself to you, and He will." My friend smiled and nodded.

For Reflection

Do you - like Jacob in the Bible - struggle to find God? Do you desire to have a better communion with your Higher Power? Are you willing to put time into your relationship with others? the Divine? 

So there you have it, friends: three steps to developing a deeper relationship with God. Do post a comment, and feel free to share this with a friend or send me a question. If you'd like to join our blog community and receive my weekly newsletter, enter your email address in the box provided. You'll also receive my free guide entitled "How to Develop a Spiritual Practice". And be sure to pop on over to my Pinterest boards and check out all the cool stuff I have collected for you. And do check out my collection of books on faith and spiritual growth here. 

Stay tuned for more positive and practical wisdom to help you ignite the power within so you can discover YOUR destiny!

Until next time, keep looking up!

Ariel Paz

How to Handle Difficult People

We all have difficult people in our lives. These folks are in our lives to teach us and to help us grow. The tendency is to distance ourselves, divorce, or run away, but life we give us the lesson in another person until we learn it. The good news is we are not left to our own devices. We have a person in our corner to help us grow and that person is the Holy Spirit. 

Now I know you may not think of the Holy Spirit as a person because there is no physical body, but there is. The HS lives in US and has feelings, emotions, and will. In this week's post, you will learn some practical ways the Holy Spirit helps us in our difficult relationships.                                                     

Relationships Can Be Tough
This is an understatement. We all crave connection and intimacy, and we all know how difficult relationships can be, especially if there is unresolved anger or resentment in the picture. Or if there are personality disorders involved it is even more difficult and many of us have them but don't want to acknowledge them these days. 

Some keys to moving forward in any relationship are: 

1. Getting issues out in the open when they first arise 

2. Discussing them in a timely manner when everyone is calm and centered. 

3. Listening and seeking to understand the other person's perspective. 

4. Forgiving and letting go of past hurts. 

5. Learning to live in the present moment rather than in the past. 

What Holds Us Back 

In our humanness, it is difficult - almost impossible - to do the steps above. 

1. We let our egos take control of our emotions and our actions. 

2. We dig our heels in and insist our viewpoint is the only one.

3. We refuse to take accountability for our actions. 

4. We find it impossible to forgive others and hold on to grudges and perceived hurts. 

5. We choose to disconnect rather than find common ground. 

Does any of this sound familiar?

What the Holy Spirit Does

This is where we need the supernatural help of the Holy Spirit. It is only by this power that we are able to be self-controlled. That we are able to forgive. That we are able to communicate clearly. That we are able to understand others. I'm sure you have experienced trying to communicate with someone and they just don't get it, or they refuse to get it. So frustrating. This is because their ego is blocking them from comprehending. 

Personal Story

So as you may know, I am a divorced lady. Decades later, my two sons are both still struggling with the effects of the divorce. My youngest has finally been expressing his anger and lack of respect for me, "because of the divorce". Recently I heard from the Holy Spirit:

"So basically, he is saying you should have stayed with his father. Do you think that would have been a better outcome?" 

Now, this was quite the revelation. I decided to confront my son with this but was very tentative as to how he would receive it. He is a Christian so I said a prayer and decided to be brave and bring up the topic. Well, praise God, after a while, he got it. He understood where I was coming from and was able to see things from a different perspective. I hope this helps him to heal and to be free from at least some of the anger and resentment going forward. 

We need to have courage and the help of the Holy Spirit to resolve differences in our relationships because the flesh and the ego need to be conquered in order to have peace, understanding, and agreement. 

For Reflection:

Is there someone in your life you need to confront? Does the air need to be cleared to have a more peaceful relationship? Ask for the help of the Holy Spirit and he will empower and enable you to have the conversation. Of course, if the other person is not a Christian, there is no guarantee of the outcome, but at least you will have tried to bring peace to the situation as we are called to do. 

If you found this series helpful and would like to join our community, simply enter your email address in the box provided. You'll receive my weekly posts AND a copy of my free eguide entitled "How to Develop a Spiritual Practice: a guide to looking inward and upward", and remember, communication and community are a two-way street so do connect with me and others on Facebook, Twitter, and Instagram @ArielPaz08,

In the meantime, check out my other offerings on Amazon, Barnes and Noble, and Apple. Pop on over to Pinterest and enjoy the collection I have curated for you. I just recently started posting on Instagram so follow me there too! Excited to share my first audiobook "7 Steps to Finding Your Spiritual Path." is now on Google Play. It's short but interesting read if want to understand how we find our spiritual path and how to change it when we need to. 

Thanks for reading, and stay tuned as we learn more on how to ignite the power within so you can take back your life and discover YOUR destiny!

Your feedback is appreciated on this post 

Until next time, stay connected and 

Keep looking up!

Ariel Paz

 

 

Life is the School, Love is the Lesson

Funny how a bumper sticker can capture a whole philosophy in one simple phrase. Saw this one on the car in front of me at the gas station and it made me pause to reflect on it.

"That is exactly true", I thought to myself while pumping gas.

I have always believed life is a school of sorts. We are here to learn and to grow spiritually and emotionally. Here are some of my quips:

"If life is a school, why are some people stuck in kindergarten?",

"Repeat after me, this is a test, this is only a test" and 

"If life is a school, why does it take me so long to learn the lesson?" 

And then there are those who don't learn their lessons and will have to give it another go-round, if you get my drift.

Who are You Loving
This bumper sticker was a powerful reminder to me of where my focus ought to be. Life is all about learning to love ourselves, others, and God in a balanced and healthy way. It seems strange to me that some Christians don't believe you should love yourself. What? Remember the second greatest commandment "Love your neighbor as yourself." A pastor friend recently told me on Facebook that the concept of loving ourselves is from our "modern culture." Again, what? I'd "love" to hear your thoughts on this one. 

Balance is Key 

It takes practice and awareness. Most of us tip towards one direction or another and it's only when problems arise, we realize we have been out of balance in our love walk. For example, take the workaholic who neglects his/her family and ends up dealing with an affair, a divorce, or a rebellious teen. The scales were tipped too heavily on the work facet of life, right? Or the mother who idolizes her kids but neglects her own well being. Who is she not loving?

Don't Play the Blame Game 
So what to do? When problems arise, don't just push through them or ignore them. Problems in life are a sign that something needs to be addressed. We must take responsibility for our lives and not continually blame our parents, our boss, or other people. That's what Adam and Eve did way back when. It wasn't the answer then and it isn't the answer now.

The answer is to realize what part I have played in the dramas in my life. Ask myself these questions:  "How loving have I been - to others, to myself and ultimately, to God?" "Did I do the honorable thing?" Most of the time the honorable thing is the most difficult thing to do. But that's where courage and integrity come in. Am I living according to my highest values or am I succumbing to the pressures of others, society, my past hurts and wounds? It takes self-reflection and courage to heal our wounds. 

Call it Karma 
If we want to move forward in life, we must take responsibility for our actions. It is true, we reap what we sow. Call it karma if you like, but you get the idea. Whenever we fail to do the loving thing towards ourselves or others, it will always come back to bite us. We will get back what we put out. Learning to love is a lifelong practice and the good news is we get plenty of opportunities.

For Reflection
What relationship needs some tending? Who can you be more loving towards today? Your spouse? Your parents? Yourself? Love to hear your thoughts on this post so drop me a note via email or leave a comment on the blog or on Facebook. 

Thanks for reading. If you enjoyed this post and would like to join our community, please enter your email in the box provided. When you do, I'll send you a copy of my free e-guide entitled "How to Develop a Spiritual Practice".  

Stay tuned for more positive and practical wisdom and until next time, keep looking up!

Ariel Paz

All rights reserved. If you wish to use this material contact me at arielpaz08@gmail.com

How to Make a Huge Difference in Your Relationships

If you could do one thing that would improve the quality of your relationships in a big way, would you do it? Since we're talking about communication and relationships this month, I want to share some tips on how you might connect better with your loved ones. 

Research Says
Did you know people feel and experience love differently? According to Dr. Gary Chapman, author of the book series on the 5 love languages, there are five ways people experience being loved. Today, I am sharing on the second love language and how it can make a huge difference in your relationships.

Psychologist William James says that one of the deepest human needs is to feel appreciated. The second love language is words of affirmation. Many people experience love through positive words. These include but are not limited to: praise, encouragement, compliments, approval, and appreciation.

For the Guys 
Many men have a hard time expressing their feelings. In particular, saying those three little words "I love you". "Oh, she knows I love her. Look how hard I work for her," you might be saying to yourself. Guys, if words of affirmation is her love language, she needs to HEAR it from you directly, especially your mother. No woman gets tired of hearing these 3 little words. 

In the same way, she needs to hear "You are so beautiful!". Just be sure it is sincere and not overdone. I once dated a guy that told me I was beautiful so often, I actually got tired of hearing it because it seemed manipulative. Words of affirmation need to be sincere, from the heart and not overdone. 

For the Gals 
Same thing for you gals out there. The men in your life need your affirmation and acceptance as well.  He needs to HEAR how much you appreciate the things he does for you.
"Thank you for picking me up."
"I appreciate you watching the kids today."
"Thank you for taking care of dinner tonight".
"You look great in that suit."
"Your muscles are so sexy." 

"I appreciate you listening to me." 

"Thank you for putting gas in my car." 

Increase the Positive

Relationship psychologists say it takes 5 positive comments to make up for 1 critical comment. People often get a kick out of making fun and criticizing others. Listen to the comics on television and on stage. People pick up this habit and think it is funny but look how depressed many famous comedians are off-stage. Take Robin Williams as an example. 

When someone is insecure, they feel better about themselves when they make someone else feel less than. This may be funny to some, but no one wants to be put down. Negative comments can cause or open up wounds that have been trying to heal. If you want to see your relationships flourish, try being more affirming and less critical. Look for the positive. Everyone needs encouragement which is one of the reasons I write this blog - for you friend!

Just Zip it

It is easy in the heat of the moment to blurt out a harsh, mean, or critical comment. We justify our actions by blaming the other person, but ultimately WE are RESPONSIBLE for what comes out of our mouths, not anyone else. 

It is our responsibility to control our emotions and our actions. These days, it seems no one wants to be held accountable and everyone wants to judge. I'm sure you've heard the phrase "If you don't have anything nice to say, keep your mouth shut" or something like that. I still have work to do in this area, too. I like to give advice, give my opinion, judge another's choices. Smack me, would you? Each of us is responsible for our own decisions and our own lives. And each of us will reap the consequences of our decisions - good or bad. Sometimes we have to just let go and let God. 

It's Biblical 

The apostle James exhorts us to "Be quick to listen, slow to speak, and slow to get angry" James 1:19). When you feel yourself getting emotionally wrought up, take a breath, take a break, walk away and calm down before you say something you will regret later. Hurtful words said in the heat of the moment damage relationships and can never be taken back. 

Relationships are imperfect at best and some are smoother than others but there is always room for improvement. If someone you love is distant or cold and you don't understand why, try using more words of affirmation and see if you get different results.

 

Two good reminders about our speech come from Scripture.

Ephesians 4:29 encourages us in this regard: "Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths but only what is helpful in building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen." 

Colossians 4:6 says "Let your conversation be always full of grace, seasoned with salt, so that you may know how to answer everyone." Every year I choose a word or a scripture phrase to focus on for the year, this year, my word is Kindness. There is always room to come up higher in this area. Who can you be more kind to?

For Reflection

Who in your life could use some words of affirmation? When was the last time you said "I love you" or "I appreciate you." to your significant other or family member? What words can you use to encourage and uplift a friend or loved one? 

If you enjoyed this post and found it helpful, do let me know by leaving a comment. I appreciate your feedback. If you'd like to join our community enter your email address in the box provided. You'll receive my weekly posts plus a copy of my free ebook entitled "How to Develop a Spiritual Practice ". Do be sure to check out my offerings over on Pinterest. You'll find info on a plethora of topics. 

Until next time, give someone a compliment and remember, 

Keep looking up!

Ariel Paz

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How to Set Better Boundaries

What stresses you out? I don't know about you, but certain people stress me out. And most of them are family members. Sadly. I find myself ruminating on how I could have/should have handled situations differently during the day. The answer is always "set better boundaries" and that is the topic I'm sharing on today. 

Boundaries are HUGE in regards to limiting the stress in our lives. Just because someone is a family member, doesn't mean we always have to say "yes" to them or agree with them. It doesn't mean we have to ALLOW - say ALLOW - poor behavior. We can have our OWN opinions even if they disagree with us or tell us otherwise. And we deserve to be treated with RESPECT AND KINDNESS. 

Since one of the goals of this blog is to help us to find more harmony in our lives, it is important to realize that stress also comes from taking too much c--- from other people. Pardon my french. Today we'll be talking about how to reduce the stress caused by other people by setting firmer boundaries. 

If we want  more peace in our lives, we MUST learn:
 a) to minimize or eliminate the stressors from our lives 
 b) how to deal with people a healthier way and
 c) set firmer boundaries sooner

I bet you'll agree a lot of stress comes from other people - usually those who are related to us or are emotionally connected such as a spouse, a boyfriend, a son or daughter, a close friend.

Are You Too Nice?

It doesn't matter who in your life is causing you stress.  For years, I have allowed too much c--p from boyfriends, relatives, ex-husband, and close friends and it has been very unhealthy for me. Poor boundaries are usually at the crux of the problem. This was a tough lesson for me to learn and I keep getting  refresher courses. 

Perhaps like me you've been told "You're too nice". Nice people get hurt - a lot. Until we get to the breaking point and declare "Enough is enough." So what to do about people who cause you stress? Here are 8 tips to put into practice starting today.

1. Tell the other person how you feel. 
Yes, it takes vulnerability to express our hurts, but it also is a sign of self-respect and shows a willingess to want to improve the relationship if it is to move forward. People are not mind-readers. Many times the other person is oblivious to how their behavior is impacting us so it is up to us to make them aware.
 
The difficulty here is that some people are not emotionally mature enough to hear you. Don't be surprised if they get defensive, raise their voice, or get angry.

Personal Story 

Several years ago, I confronted a long time friend who had divulged a confidence to her entire family and who knows who else. When I asked her about it, she got very defensive and retorted "Well then, just don't tell me anything anymore!"

What kind of friendship is that? A friendship is built on trust.  She did not take ownership. She did not apologize. People who react this way are not emotionally mature enough to handle direct confrontation. Or they may also be too insecure or prideful to face up to their actions. Don't let this be you. Fess up when you screw up and make amends. It can help you restore a broken relationship. 

If someone really and truly cares about you, they will care about your feelings. They will apologize and take ownership of their behavior. They will offer to make amends and attempt to change going forward. This is what you want if a relationship is to grow. 

2. Refuse to allow bad treatment. 
This might seem obvious, but I am guilty of allowing mistreatment because I valued the relationship more - apparently - than I valued my own well-being and mental and emotional health. I made excuses such as "Well, he's my son" or "He's my husband". Forget it. 

No person has the right to mistreat another either emotionally, physically, or verbally and this includes name-calling, labeling, raising their voice, blaming, and judging. These are all toxic behavior patters that should not be tolerated. It is time to put your foot down and stop allowing them to get away with disrespectful behavior.

This is where boundaries come in. Instead of making excuses for the other person, we need to GET REALLY CLEAR on what we will and will not allow and make that clear to the other party. For example, I told my mom that she needs to calm herself down before she calls me for help. Emotions are contagious. I cannot have her anxiety streaming over to me. To her credit, she learned how to calm herself down most of the time. 

3. Do not tolerate psychological torment and manipulation. 
Since he was a teenager, my oldest son has disconnected from me for months and years at a time. This has been a pattern. Meanwhile, I was an emotional wreck wondering when or if I would hear from him again. This is a form of manipulation and control. When he finally reconnects and I ask him why he disconnected, he never has an answer. Disconnecting for long periods of time is mental manipulation. The Bible says "Do not let the sun go down on your anger," which means deal with issues sooner rather than later. Don't put off confronting but some people are weak and afraid. If someone disconnects from you and you try to make amends but they are not interested, it is in your best interest to LET THEM GO - no matter who it is. Why lose your peace over something you cannot control? 

Do not allow yourself to be imprisoned by another person's immaturity. If people don't want to be in relationship with you - no matter who they are - you don't need them in your life. Period. Let God take care of them while you take care of you. 

4. Clearly communicate the change you want to see or the need you want met. 
This is a very key component to moving forward in a healthier way. Apologies are a nice first step but you cannot have reconciliation without behavior change. Be very clear about what you need from the other person. Some examples are:
"I need you to keep your voice down when you talk to me."
"I need you to be on time when we are going somewhere."
"I need you to not drink so much when we go out."

"I need you to control your temper."

"I need you to be kind to me."

"I need you to stop blaming me for...".

A handy tool to communicate your needs is an "I feel" statement. "I feel threatened and unsafe when you raise your voice to me." Never start a sentence with "You...". This will immediately put the other person on the defensive. Make it about YOUR needs and feelings.

5. Expect the other person to put equal effort into the relationship going forward. 
 Often codependent people put all the work into relationships. We feel it is our responsibility to make a relationship work when in reality, it takes two to make any relationship work. If you feel you are constantly the one to reach out, connect, or try to clear the air, there is something out of balance.

Relationships are a two-way street. The Bible says "Love your neighbor AS YOURSELF." In other words, love YOURSELF first and then love others. Somehow as a codependent, I missed the part about loving myself. 

When we pull back, we allow the other person to step up to the plate. I remember telling my mother this years ago. Her answer was "I didn't know I had to put effort into our relationship." Wow. 

6. Learn to set healthier boundaries.

If we are continually hurt or taken advantage of, half of the responsibility lies with us. People will continue to act out, until we refuse to allow it. We need to know and respect our own limits - what we will and will not tolerate and what makes us feel stressed or pressured. This is where the word "No" is powerful.  Here's a recent personal story to illustrate.

Personal Story 
On a visit with family who live out-of-state, I had the "opportunity" to hear "No" quite a bit. My then 80-something mother refused to let me drive her car. As anyone who has driven with an elderly person knows, their reactions are not quite as timely as they need to be. With all the sudden braking and accelerating, I wound up getting motion sick several times till I finally refused to go anywhere with her unless I drove.  I had to say "No" to her "No". This is called "setting healthy boundaries": say no to any behavior that is hurtful or harmful. To her, driving was a control issue. To me it was a safety and health issue.

7. Put distance between yourself and the other person. 
 If the other person cannot or will not accept your boundaries, then it may be time to give each other some space. This means emotional and physical distance. Give them space and give yourself a breather.

You don't have to be the one putting all the effort into the relationship. Ask yourself how you feel after you've interacted with this person. If you feel stressed, anxious, or depleted this is a sign something needs to change.

By giving each other space, I do not mean months or years. I mean hours or at most, a few days to cool off, calm down, and process. This should not take weeks or months. Unaddressed issues just get worse and distorted over time if not handled in a timely manner. People forget what actually happened. They only remember what they want to remember. It's not good to let unresolved issues linger. 

8. Be willing to give up the relationship.
You've heard the old saying "If you love someone, let them go". If someone keeps repeating the same hurtful behaviors after you've asked them to change, it may be time to let them go, hard as that can be. If they care about you and the relationship they will change their behavior. It may take some time depending on how busy they are or how much energy they have to change. The key is to be strong enough not to keep going back to them unless you see a change in behavior. This goes for addicts and alcoholics but also those charmers who keep luring us back by their manipulative ways. 

Those of us who were raised in an abusive environment have learned to tolerate abuse. Any form of abuse - emotional, physical, or psychological, is UNACCEPTABLE. When we keep going back to someone or letting them manipulate or otherwise intimidate  us, we are in effect saying:
    "It's ok for you to treat me this way" when it absolutely is NOT.

We have to come to the point where we put our well-being and self-respect ABOVE any relationship. We have to learn what is abusive, manipulative, or controlling and set a boundary or leave the relationship. 

Practice makes perfect. 
Well, maybe not perfect, but we will become more aware of when we need to put our foot down. We need to retrain our automatic response from "Yes" to "No". We need to learn to become aware of our feelings of discomfort sooner rather than later. At first, we might feel guilty because we are  accustomed to allowing and making excuses for other people's behavior but the sense of peace and personal power we will feel from saying "No, this is unacceptable" feels so much better.

The verse from scripture that addresses this issue is Matthew 18:18 which says this: "Whatever you bind(forbid) on earth shall be bound in heaven and whatever you loose (allow) on earth, shall be loosed in heaven."  In other words, if we want more peace here on earth, we have to forbid the things that cause us to lose it which includes some people and their behavior.

For Reflection

Who in your life causes you stress? What are their typical tactics? What boundaries can you set with them to protect your peace? What is holding you back from setting better boundaries? 

If you want more peace and less stress in your relationships, I encourage you to implement these tips. You will be amazed at how empowered and peaceful you will feel and you will begin the process of taking back your life.

If you want to learn more about taking back your life, order a copy of my book, "Take Back Your Life: 5 Keys to Reclaiming Your Personal Power" available at your favorite online bookseller or thru me at a discount. Simply use Zelle to email me (arielpaz08@gmail.com)  $3.99 and learn how to get your power back. 

If you enjoyed this post and would like to join our community, enter your email address in the box provided. In addition to my weekly posts, you'll also receive a copy of my free e-guide entitled "How to Develop a Spiritual Practice". It's a short read that will help you start a daily practice to look inward and upward. 

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Stay tuned for more insights to help you find healing, wholeness, and harmony and enjoy the life you deserve!

Until next time, keep looking up!

Ariel Paz

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10 Tips to Better Communication

Relationships are a gift. And, like any gift, we must be open to receiving them in whatever form they come in, good or bad. Some people are more reactive and emotional. Others are more quiet and subdued. Controlling our emotions is a big part of how our relationships go. I've heard it said that the people we don't get along with are our best teachers. There is always something we can learn from every encounter. Since the holidays are right around the corner, when we will have more personal interactions, this week  I'm sharing some tips I've learned on how to have better relationships even with difficult people. 

Be Open-Minded
Most of us like to think we are open-minded and accepting of others but are we really? We like our routines and habits. We like the people we hang around. We tend to think like the groups we belong to, the church we attend, the political party we associate with. So what do you do when you encounter someone who doesn't think or believe like you? Now that's quite a different story, isn't it? 

Personal Story

A few years ago I was chatting with a gal - about my age - at the pool. Somehow, the conversation turned to politics and I learned she leaned towards a different political party. Boy, did she get intense. Her voice went up and I could feel the emotion seething in her. Somehow, by the grace of God, I stayed calm and defused the situation before it escalated. Then she tells me her fiance is of the same party as I and how much tension it was bringing into their relationship. I suggested, for the sake of their relationship, that she learn to control her emotional reactions. She knew it was a problem and said "Yeah, I need to work on that.". Whew. That was a close call.  

Containing Our Emotions 

If we want better relationships and more peace in our world, it is important to accept and understand others who think differently than we do and that means we have to stay in control of our emotions. I know it's easier said than done. 

1, Try something new.
 Many times we form an opinion about something before we even give it a try. This goes with food, people, activities, belief systems, and so on. My mom is constantly amazed at how many different types of cuisines I enjoy. This is because I am open to trying them. Before you poo-poo something or someone, give it or them a chance. Have an open mind and an attitude of acceptance. Look for the positives. Ask yourself "How might I benefit from this change?" Some simple ideas are: go to that new ethnic restaurant that just opened up, try a new social group or venue. Attend a different sports event, church, or exercise group. You may well be pleasantly surprised.

2. Step out of your comfort zone.
This goes along with #1. The older we get, the more comfortable we become in our habits, our activities, and our ways of thinking. If we want to experience the "abundant life" which includes peace and joy, we have to make the effort to step out of our comfort zone and see things from a different perspective. 

What's more difficult is changing our thought patterns. We tend to have developed ways of thinking that we may have outgrown or may not be serving us. Try and step back and ask "How else can I see this situation or person?" "How else can I respond in this situation?" "Am I being judgmental?" Our brains get in grooves and we need to make a conscious effort to change our thinking patterns when we encouter difficulties in our relationships. 

The opportunities for growth are endless, especially with all the technology available to us. The benefits are we will have more harmony in our lives and hopefully  learn to accept rather than judge others.

3. Visit a foreign country.
This is one of my favorite ways to expand my perspective and worldview. When we visit a foreign country, we get a chance to see how other cultures live, dress, eat, and think. We realize that people everywhere want the same basic things: a decent job, safety, good food, and affordable health care. Rather than expect things to be like home, learn to appreciate the differences in cultures and lifestyles. Travel makes me appreciate what I have at home even more. We have so much to be thankful for and often we take much for granted, like running water for instance and indoor toilets. Did you know people in India have to walk miles to get fresh water? I know people who dump a glass of water without even a second thought.

4. Read more.
We are all busy, but reading is essential for growth and expanding our minds. For example, if you're always glued to the latest romance novel or tv series, why not try a book about something that will help you grow? I've got several of them you could start with :) 

The library is free and now you can download books right from your computer without having to go out of your house. Reading is a convenient way to absorb new thoughts and ideas. I love to read books on a variety of self-improvement topics. How about you? What are you interested in? What area would you like to grow in?

5. Reserve judgment. 
Most of us are quick to size up someone. When you meet a new person, reserve judgement. Don't categorize  or label them right off the bat. It takes time to get to know people. Everyone has a story and until we know and undertand that story we can't really understand where they're coming from. Focus more on listening and accepting them rather than trying to categorize them and put them into a neat little box. Try not to label. As long as someone is not hurting me, my philosophy is "Live and let live." Practicing mindfulness helps us to be more aware of when we are having judgemental thoughts and emotional reactions. 

6. Give up the need to be right.
I have to admit I struggled with this one for a long time. Although I wasn't consciously trying to prove the other person wrong, I realized people don't like to hear that they are wrong. So now, even if I am 100% sure about something, I don't insist on pressing my point. I let the matter drop. I have learned to say "I may be wrong but....".  I don't want to come off sounding like a know-it-all and this gives the other person both freedom and dignity. I think this is called allowing someone to "save face". When we always have to be "right" it is a sign our ego is in control, and not the spirit of God. Everyone's ego gets the best of them at times, but the more we realize what is going on, the more we can use self-control to keep the tension and drama from escalating, especially in political conversations. 

An exception to this rule is if you have something to lose financially or otherwise by not speaking up. Sometimes we have to stick to our guns until the other person understands our concern.

7. Don't be easily offended.
It's a hard thing to do at times but it is healthier. People say things without thinking. A lot. If we don't want to be continually offended, irritated, or hurt, there are two ways to handle a snarky comment. First, we can just ignore it and let it slide. This is fine for people we don't see often. The problem with this approach is if we don't confront habitual behaviors with people we interact with frequently, the behavior will continue. 

The second option is to take a breath and respond with a positive statement. For example, my mom recently said "You don't have time for me." Instead of taking it personally and getting offended, I chose option one and I let it slide in the moment, but what I said at another time was "It is true I am busy, but I always make time for you and that was hurtful of you to say I don't have time for you."  She was playing the victim card once again and I didn't allow her to get away with it.

This clarifies for the other person their misperception, helps them to be more aware of the impact of their words, and leaves you feeling empowered instead of offended. It is great to be able to handle a situation in the moment, but if you can't, rest assured another opportunity will present itself. 

My youngest son puts it this way: "Don't allow it to land." When we don't allow negativity to land and affect our spirits, we throw it back out there. When we exercise self-control and don't react impulsively, we don't risk burning a bridge or saying something that will make matters worse. We also conserve precious energy we can better use elsewhere. Next time someone makes a snarky comment, or gets angry, try either of these two solutions. It's called being assertive. You'll be the bigger and more at peace person for it.

8. Practice Active Listening. 
Are you an active listener? Or are you a distracted listener? Are you focused and present in your conversations or are you on your cell phone or thinking about your next response? 

When we do either of these, we are not fully present. I can always tell when my oldest is distracted. I have to repeat things and he gets this vague tone. I stop and ask him if he would rather chat at another time. My mom always has her television volume up so loud I have to ask her to mute the volume so she's not half-paying attention to me and half watching tv. Another acquaintance chose to text someone else while on the phone with me. I call that disrespectful. 

Listening is a skill we can all improve upon. As I used to say "That is why God gave us two ears and one mouth. So we would listen twice as much as we speak." It is a gift we give the other person. Everyone wants to be heard and understood and we cannot do this without listening actively. 

One caveat tho. Don't let the other person go on and on, like a run-away train or a dripping faucet. A one-sided conversation is a monologue, not a dialogue. Some people go on and on not even checking in with the other person to see if they are with them.  They are most likely either venting rather than having a conversation. 

When we are actively listening, it is a lot to process a lot of information at one clip. I've learned it is better to try and interrupt them than to try to process all that but I am not always successful because people have different styles of communicating. These people are thinking as they talk, rather than thinking before they speak, 

9. Double check your understanding. 
Communication is a two-way street. It is important to confirm that what you heard is what the sender is trying to convey. Often, our own perceptions, assumptions, and judgements distort the message. One way to do this when you start to feel offended or angry, is to rephrase what you heard. I use this version "So what I heard you say is....". This will ensure I didn't misinterpret what the other person was trying to communicate. It also gives the other party a chance to clarify. Many times when they hear what they said repeated back to them, they respond with "Well, that's not what I meant." My mother says this all the time. Many people are not aware of what comes out of their mouths. 

Clarifying our understanding is crucial to harmonious relationshps.

10. Be Aware of Escalating Emotions

Words are fine, but the real message is often understood by identifying the person's feelings. They may say one thing, but their tone and volume could be saying something else. We don't know how the other person is going to take what we say. The minute you hear a raised voice, a tone, or a snarky comment, stop and ask what's really going on. If you are paying attention, you can usually notice when someone is getting irritated or frustrated, even if the the sender isn't. By pausing to ask a question, we interrupt the negative cycle of escalation. 

You both get a chance to breathe and connect with your emotions. This resets the emotional tone of the conversation. Negative emotions are transferable and it takes real self-control to not get sucked in to someone's else's issues and react inappropriately.

Recently, I was at the hairdresser's getting a "do-over". I could tell the hairdresser was irritated by the tone of her voice so I said - calmly  - "You sound really irritated." Silence. She got it and immediately her demeanor and her tone changed. If I had not brought it to her attention, I would have put up with it for the rest of my visit. Nip negative emotions in the bud. 

For reflection 

Who is it that you have trouble communicating with? Which of these techniques could you try out today? What communication tips can you share with us? Do post a comment and let us know. 

If you enjoyed this post and would like to be a part of our community, enter your email address in the box provided. I'll also send you a copy of my new FREE e-guide entitled "How to Develop a Spiritual Practice". In it I share doable steps to looking inward and upward. 

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Stay tuned for more informational and inspirational posts so you can ignite the power within and discover YOUR destiny!

Keep looking up!

Ariel Paz

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