How to Make a Huge Difference in Your Relationships

If you could do one thing that would improve the quality of your relationships in a big way, would you do it? Since we're talking about communication and relationships this month, I want to share some tips on how you might connect better with your loved ones. 

Research Says
Did you know people feel and experience love differently? According to Dr. Gary Chapman, author of the book series on the 5 love languages, there are five ways people experience being loved. Today, I am sharing on the second love language and how it can make a huge difference in your relationships.

Psychologist William James says that one of the deepest human needs is to feel appreciated. The second love language is words of affirmation. Many people experience love through positive words. These include but are not limited to: praise, encouragement, compliments, approval, and appreciation.

For the Guys 
Many men have a hard time expressing their feelings. In particular, saying those three little words "I love you". "Oh, she knows I love her. Look how hard I work for her," you might be saying to yourself. Guys, if words of affirmation is her love language, she needs to HEAR it from you directly, especially your mother. No woman gets tired of hearing these 3 little words. 

In the same way, she needs to hear "You are so beautiful!". Just be sure it is sincere and not overdone. I once dated a guy that told me I was beautiful so often, I actually got tired of hearing it because it seemed manipulative. Words of affirmation need to be sincere, from the heart and not overdone. 

For the Gals 
Same thing for you gals out there. The men in your life need your affirmation and acceptance as well.  He needs to HEAR how much you appreciate the things he does for you.
"Thank you for picking me up."
"I appreciate you watching the kids today."
"Thank you for taking care of dinner tonight".
"You look great in that suit."
"Your muscles are so sexy." 

"I appreciate you listening to me." 

"Thank you for putting gas in my car." 

Increase the Positive

Relationship psychologists say it takes 5 positive comments to make up for 1 critical comment. People often get a kick out of making fun and criticizing others. Listen to the comics on television and on stage. People pick up this habit and think it is funny but look how depressed many famous comedians are off-stage. Take Robin Williams as an example. 

When someone is insecure, they feel better about themselves when they make someone else feel less than. This may be funny to some, but no one wants to be put down. Negative comments can cause or open up wounds that have been trying to heal. If you want to see your relationships flourish, try being more affirming and less critical. Look for the positive. Everyone needs encouragement which is one of the reasons I write this blog - for you friend!

Just Zip it

It is easy in the heat of the moment to blurt out a harsh, mean, or critical comment. We justify our actions by blaming the other person, but ultimately WE are RESPONSIBLE for what comes out of our mouths, not anyone else. 

It is our responsibility to control our emotions and our actions. These days, it seems no one wants to be held accountable and everyone wants to judge. I'm sure you've heard the phrase "If you don't have anything nice to say, keep your mouth shut" or something like that. I still have work to do in this area, too. I like to give advice, give my opinion, judge another's choices. Smack me, would you? Each of us is responsible for our own decisions and our own lives. And each of us will reap the consequences of our decisions - good or bad. Sometimes we have to just let go and let God. 

It's Biblical 

The apostle James exhorts us to "Be quick to listen, slow to speak, and slow to get angry" James 1:19). When you feel yourself getting emotionally wrought up, take a breath, take a break, walk away and calm down before you say something you will regret later. Hurtful words said in the heat of the moment damage relationships and can never be taken back. 

Relationships are imperfect at best and some are smoother than others but there is always room for improvement. If someone you love is distant or cold and you don't understand why, try using more words of affirmation and see if you get different results.

 

Two good reminders about our speech come from Scripture.

Ephesians 4:29 encourages us in this regard: "Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths but only what is helpful in building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen." 

Colossians 4:6 says "Let your conversation be always full of grace, seasoned with salt, so that you may know how to answer everyone." Every year I choose a word or a scripture phrase to focus on for the year, this year, my word is Kindness. There is always room to come up higher in this area. Who can you be more kind to?

For Reflection

Who in your life could use some words of affirmation? When was the last time you said "I love you" or "I appreciate you." to your significant other or family member? What words can you use to encourage and uplift a friend or loved one? 

If you enjoyed this post and found it helpful, do let me know by leaving a comment. I appreciate your feedback. If you'd like to join our community enter your email address in the box provided. You'll receive my weekly posts plus a copy of my free ebook entitled "How to Develop a Spiritual Practice ". Do be sure to check out my offerings over on Pinterest. You'll find info on a plethora of topics. 

Until next time, give someone a compliment and remember, 

Keep looking up!

Ariel Paz

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5 Practical Steps to More Peace and Less Drama

Isn't it great when you get to enjoy a peaceful day? No conflicts. No aggravation. No drama. One key to having more peace is to be more aware of our stress levels. When we are stressed, we are more likely to over-react and snap so today, I am sharing on the topic of healing our emotional triggers and managing reactivity so we can have more peace and less drama. 

Who likes drama? Not me, but, like it or not, drama is part of life. As long as we are interacting with other people, there will be drama. The key is to focus on how WE handle the situation, not what the other person said or did which is what we usually do. It's called "playing the blame game." 

The more exposure we have to family members such as during the Pandemic, the holidays, vacations, etc. the more opportunities there will be for drama. So today I am offering some practical steps to help us transform our emotional brains and manage our reactivity. Let's get started. 

What causes drama anyway?

Most of the time drama stems from emotional reactivity. The emotional center of our brains, known as the amygdala, gets hijacked and we react in an emotionally charged manner, rather than responding in a calm and kind way. 

We react for different reasons: because of unhealed emotional wounds from the past, judgements and labels we have attributed to others, and also because our egos get the better of us. 

Healing is part of our Soul's Journey 

You've probably heard the phrase "When the student is ready, the teacher will appear". What this means is that we are all on a journey and life is a school of sorts. It presents us with teachers in the form of people and situations to help us to recognize our wounds and then heal them. 

I like to think of this as a spiritual journey because at the root this journey is the development and healing of our souls. It is a journey to healing, wholeness, and harmony. To awareness and clarity. To living fully alive and in the present moment, not in bondage to the painful events of the past or the worries and concerns of the future. 

Healing occurs when we bring light into these dark places of our soul. This takes time, energy, and deep introspection. It also requires us to examine ourselves and be willing to change. 

Do you know your soul is here for a reason? You are not here by happenstance, just to have a good time for a few years, then be buried and that's the end of it. You are here to learn and to heal, to grow and to evolve, to move yourself and others forward. Life is a school, and if we don't learn our soul lessons we are going to repeat the grade, if you get my drift.

Why We Over-React 

Sometimes over-reaction is because our stress-tank is full. We are emotionally overloaded in the moment and we don't have the self-control we usually have. Someone calls at the wrong time and we let them have it. We have a tough day at the office and we take it out on the fam. It happens. Learn from it and make the necessary changes. And don't forget to apologize. 

I am reading a good book on managing stress, called "Unstressable" by Mo Gawdat. In it, the authors give some good tips on how to be more aware of our stressors and our emotional stress tank levels. They also discuss the techniques to manage stress, many of which I've talked about here on this blog. 

At other times, when we keep reacting to certain situations in an emotionally-charged manner. This is because we are stuck in mental patterns that keep us from seeing things as they really are and from dealing with life in a peaceful and healthy way. Rather, when we OVER-REACT to a situation, we can be pretty sure we are encountering what author and psychotherapist, Tara Bennett-Goleman calls "samskaras" or schemas. 

In her book, "Emotional Alchemy", Tara explains there are 10 major schemas such as the fear of abandonment, emotional deprivation, perfectionism, and the fear of trusting to name a few. Most of us have at least one or two of these unhealthy and unproductive emotional patterns that we need to heal from. 

In order to conquer these schemas, we must first learn to recognize them so here are 5 steps to becoming more aware of our emotional patterns:

1. Pay attention to over-reactions.
An over-reaction is not necessarily a major outburst. It is an uncomfortable feeling - a bristling if you will - when someone says or does something that stings us emotionally. When we over-react we are not in control. Our hurt or wound is in control. Over-reaction is a signal that a schema is operating. It is interesting how the hurts and fears from our childhood or past relationships can still rear their ugly heads when a situation in the present in some way, shape, or form reminds us of something that happened in the past. Our reptilian brain has no concept of time.

Our minds are like computer programs which store all sorts of if/then statements and every now and then a bug shows up and they need to be reprogrammed. When we have these over-reaction bugs in response to current day situations, that is a sign that there is a hidden emotional issue that needs to be recognized, addressed, and healed. 

2. Be mindful of your thoughts and feelings.
Check in with how you are feeling on a regular basis. Explore the emotions you are experiencing. Do you feel angry? Anxious? Sad? Like you are being attacked?

Emotions give us a clue as to which schema is operating and it is up to us to recognize the schema and the pattern. I know when there is a pattern when I keep having the same type of issue with different people in my life. It's like God is saying "Here's an opportunity to heal. Will you deal with it?"

3. What does this situation remind me of?
When we have an over-reaction in the present moment, it often is caused by a painful event from our past. Our brains wire similiar negative emotionally-charged experiences together. Psychologists have a phrase "What fires together, wires together" which means emotions are stored in the brain with past negative events and repitition of these events makes these connections even stronger. Often we are not even aware of the trigger unless we try consciously to connect the dots. We have to look at both the past and the present situation and learn to respond, not react, differently. 

4. What need am I trying to get met?
Often unmet needs go unnoticed for years. Perhaps, like me, you had an emotionally absent father figure. Or your caregiver was super-critical. These kinds of traumatic events wound us. We don't get our emotional needs met by the person who was supposed to meet them. So we continue looking for someone to fill our emotional buckets, usually from someone who is just as emotionally unable to meet those needs. If you missed my post on having an open heart, here it is again. 

When we finally become aware of an unmet need, we can then look for healthier ways and people to meet the need and thus, put an end to the power of our subconscious unhealthy relational patterns, irrational fears, and finally heal our souls.

5. Look for a pattern.
When you have an over-reaction, don't be too quick to gloss over it, ignore it, or put it behind you. These events occur for a reason. It is an opportunity for healing, but it is up to us to try to piece the events together so we can understand what is going on beneath the surface. These situations can shed light on the dark areas of our souls so we can heal them.

The word of God tells us to be "transformed daily by the renewing of our minds" (Romans 12:2). It is only by replacing error with truth and fear with faith that our souls can be truly healed and move forward in life towards our dreams and our destiny.

For Reflection
Think of a time you over-reacted. How did you feel? Why did you think you felt that way? Can you think of a time in your past when you felt the same way? What was similiar in the present situation that might have caused your brain to bring up the negative emotions? 

I hope this post has helped you recognize some things and if you enjoyed it and want to learn more, check out my new book "Ignite the Power Within: 10 Steps to Strengthen Your Spiritual Muscle". 

Healing is a process that takes time. Be gentle with yourself and ask others to be gentle with you. It is not easy to heal from emotional wounds. It takes courage and willingness so be proud of yourself for making the effort. 

If you'd like to join our growth community, enter your email address in the box provided. You'll receive my weekly posts plus a copy of my free e-guide entitled "7 Steps to Finding Your Spiritual Path". And do pop on over to check out all the cool stuff I've collected for you on Pinterest. 

Stay tuned for more postive and practical wisdom to help you ignite the power within and discover YOUR destiny!

Until next time, keep looking up!

Ariel Paz

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How to Process Stress Without Losing Your Cool

So how have you been holding up all the world events? The wars? Inflation? The elections? Your relationships? If you've been feeling edgy, anxious, fearful, or impatient, this post is for you. And you are not alone.

The Importance of a Spiritual Path

Stress affects everyone and that is why it is so important to consciously cultivate a spiritual path. The more reactive we are to stress, the more important it is to learn, or rather unlearn, old thinking and behavior patterns. 

Everyone is on a spiritual path, whether they know it or not. What's more, everyone needs a spiritual path, not just those who have been abused, addicted, or abandoned. 

We all need healing.   

How can I say this? Because after years of thinking dysfunction happens only in "broken" or "alcoholic" homes, I've seen enough people from seemingly "normal" families have the same kinds of drama and issues. I'd scratch my head and ask "How did that happen? Her parents weren't divorced/alcoholic/addicts or whatever."

Until one day, it dawned on me - each of us is in need of healing of some sort be it from our past or something that was handed down to us generationally. This is what a spiritual path is all about - healing so we can become whole, integrated, and harmonious beings. We are, after all, body, mind, and spirit and we whether we realize it or not, we each have areas we need to heal.  Author Wayne Dyer says "there is a spiritual solution to every problem," and if we look deep enough, we will find it.

The Need for a Spiritual Path 

The problem is that many of us are not aware that we are on a spiritual journey or that we need healing, so we fail to look for spiritual solutions to processing the stress in our lives. Often, people turn from God or deny his very existence. They shy away from any kind of spiritual path because they are hurting from something or afraid of something. Or it could just be their ego not wanting to admit they need to grow in some area. We look to medications, drinking, food, fun, activities, work, and relationships to console them but sooner or later we realize, we must go deeper. The answer lies not in distraction, but in introspection. 

We are thirsty for peace. 

Jesus knew this when he said "I will give you  living water and you will never thirst again." (John 4:13). The organized church has let many down, including yours truly. Hence, the popularity of such alternative ways to healing and peace. Groups such as Alcoholics Anonymous, meditation groups, and yoga classes are thriving these days. Participants realize there is a spiritual struggle going on underneath the covers of the suffering they are experiencing. 

Personal Story 

We are a three part entity: body, mind, and spirit. An injury to any one part affects the other parts. The Chinese have known this for centuries. 

Traditional Chinese Medicine (TCM) has long correlated physical ailments with emotions. For example, a few years ago, I went to an acupuncturist for treatment of an asthma condition I suddenly developed. I had never had asthma in my life and I wondered what was going on.

"Asthma affects the lungs and the lungs store grief," the specialist explained.
"Have you experienced any grief lately?"
"Grief!" I exclaimed, suddenly bursting into tears.
"Yes, I have experienced grief in several very close relationships all in the same year."

The light bulb went on. My body was reacting to the emotional pain I had experienced. Once I gained awareness of all the grief I was experiencing, I was able to process it and the asthma symptoms completely went away. When we bring light to the darkness of the pain in our spirits, we can process the wounds and the emotions, which then allow us to heal at the physical level as well. So how does one know if one is in need of some kind of healing?

Signs of Needing Healing:

1) Physical symptoms and pain
Diseases such as fibromyalgia, arthritis, high blood pressure, IBS, migraine, depression, addictions, and back pain may all have emotional and spiritual roots.

2) Incessant chatter 
Are your conversations self-absorbed monologues (all about you)? Do you focus on the negative circumstances in life more than the positives?

3) Fear of the future
Does anxiety about what may happen steal your peace and joy? Do you feel a need to keep up with every negative news story, gossip, or Hollywood drama? Do you make decisons out of fear?

4) Overdependence on entertainment and other people
Do you always have to be around people? Are you uncomfortable being by yourself? Do you dread being alone? Are you always planning the next activity or event? There is nothing wrong with entertainment but when it becomes a major focal point that indicates a problem. 

5) Preoccupation with any one area of life 
Are you a workaholic? Exercise fanatic? Overly involved with your kids? Is there any area others would say you put too much time into?

6) Inability to overcome addictions 
Some addictions are overeating, alcohol, drugs, gambling, porn, and codependency. In fact, anything done to excess may be an addiction, a way to cover up emotional pain. 

For Reflection:

Did any of these hit home? What do you think is at the root of the issue? If you are not in a spiritual growth group, consider joining one that fits your comfort level.  

My goal is to do my part to help the world heal one person at a time so we can all conquer stress, live in harmony, and pursue our destinies! 

If this post was helpful, consider joining our community by entering your email address in the box provided. In addition to receiving my weekly posts, I am offering my free eguide entitled "7 Steps to Finding Your Spiritual Path". I'm not talking about religion here, so please don't confuse the two. Spirituality is very different from "organized religion" although we may find our path in church for a time and that is quite alright. When you enter your email in the box provided, I'll get it right out to you. 

Also, do pop over and check out my many Pinterest boards on a wide variety of topics you are sure to find of interest. https://www.pinterest.com/arielpaz/pins/

Stay tuned for more positive and practical wisdom on how you, too, can find healing, wholeness, and harmony so you can ignite the power within and discover YOUR destiny!

Until next time, keep looking up!

Ariel Paz

A New Look at Anxiety and How to Identify It

Anxiety has gotten a bad rap in society. Millions of people suffer from a variety of so-called anxiety-based illnesses. Health care providers throw anti-depressants at their patients as an all-purpose panacea without spending time to get to the root cause. Today we are talking about anxiety to help remove the stigma and the shame, and to help us all get better at managing it. 

In the fear-driven world we live in, anxiety steals our peace and our joy and keeps us from achieving our goals and fulfilling our destiny! So, what is really going on here? Today we'll talk about a different way to view anxiety, what it stems from, and the signs we need to look out for.

First of all, anxiety is nothing to be ashamed of or feel guilty about, okay? Except in extreme cases, anxiety is a normal reaction that something is not right in our lives. Many situations and circumstances can provoke an anxious response, depending on our life experiences. Anxiety is our body and mind speaking to us, telling us something is out of kilter. If left unaddressed, long term anxiety can cause physical illness.The body reacts to what the mind is dealing with either consciously or unconsciously. 

Anxiety is a close relative of fear. Its other relatives include worry, doubt, and overwhelm. Anxiety is rooted in the core belief of self-doubt and that we are incapable of handling the circumstances of life. It is often a learned behavior. Many, including yours truly, learned to be anxious, from our parents. It also came from being brought up in a volatile, chaotic, alcoholic home where nothing was stable. For many years, my mom declared "I'm a worrier", as if it were a badge of honor. In her golden years, she has moved somewhat from worry into more peace, trust, and confidence. So what happened?

Studies have shown that the way we think forms neural pathways in our brains and the more we think in a certain way, the deeper these grooves go. The good news is it is possible to retrain and remold our brains when we retrain our thinking. Here is an article on retraining our brain.

Why are we anxious?
Anxiety can be our friend but like any friend, we have to set our limits with it. There is a message in our anxiety and rather than medicating the feeling away or denying its existence, a healthier approach is to acknowledge it and then to understand what the root cause of the feeling is. 
Do we have too much to do? 
Are we stressed about our finances? A relationship? 
Are we afraid to speak in public? Confront others? 
Are we feeling out of control?

There are a multitude of reasons why we feel anxious and it is up to us to figure out the root cause and then take action to address it, rather than pop a pill or take a drink.

Signs we are anxious
Here are some of the signs we are anxious:
1) talking too much and too fast
2) rushing from task to task
3) feeling out of control and overwhelmed
4) eating too much
5) insomnia
6) inability to relax
7) frequent headaches or digestion issues

Next time we'll talk about how we can handle this feeling in healthier more productive ways. 

If you enjoyed this post, please leave a comment or share with a friend. If you'd like to receive my weekly posts and a copy of my free e-book entitled "7 Steps to Finding Your Spiritual Path", enter your email address in the box provided.

Until next time, stay tuned for more on how to have more peace in our lives and as always,

Keep looking up!

Ariel Paz 

How to Raise Your Energetic Vibration

How is your energy level these days?  Do you feel joy on a regular if not daily basis? Do you get up in the morning feeling energetic and looking forward to the day? Or are you often lethargic, low on energy and just ant to pull the covers over your head? Well, today is the day we conquer this once and for all. We can control what is apparently controlling us, so we can be our authentic, joyful selves and live in freedom and service to others.

Our emotions have a lot to do with our energy and joy levels. 

Many people are in bondage to their emotions and don't realize it. They let their emotions control them instead of the other way around.  What we often don't realize is that our emotions are a result of our thoughts!

When I am feeling down, I stop and ask myself  "What am I ruminating on?" There is usually some theme that I am dwelling on. Therein lies the problem. Our thoughts can make us feel less than and inferior instead of the adored children of God that we are. We start comparing ourselves to other people. We think doom and gloom and such thoughts as:

"I'm depressed."
"I feel fat."
"Nobody cares about me."
"I'm old."

Can you relate?

As a young woman, I had very low self-esteem due to my weight problem which was due to being taught to ignore my feelings. My father was an alcoholic and both he and my mom were super-critical, always expecting perfection. I overate to comfort myself.  I shied away from the opposite sex thinking I was unattractive and I was afraid to speak up for myself. Perhaps you can relate.

Many of us have low self-esteem which causes us to stay in unhealthy and unhappy relationships. We develop addictions such as overeating, shopping, overwork, over exercising, to comfort and soothe us.  We develop negative thought patterns, fears, and anxieties which then lead to physical illness. We cannot be truly free until we face our inner demons. 

Let's define bondage. Other words for bondage are subjugation, slavery, yoke, chains, captivity, duress. The opposite of bondage is freedom and independence. Freedom to enjoy our lives, freedom to make our own decisions, freedom to choose healthy habits and freedom to live in peace and prosperity and then to become a blessing and to be of service to others.

So, how do we know we are in emotional or mental bondage? Here are some signs:

1. We constantly fret, worry or ruminate over a situation or a relationship.
2. We react emotionally when our buttons are pushed instead of looking within.
3. We are unable to resolve conflict in a healthy and timely manner
4. We have weak boundaries
5. We don't respect ourselves enough
6. We lack a sense of joy and energy on a daily basis
7. Our happiness depends on external circumstances
8. We are not moving forward in a particular area of life
9. We lack a sense of purpose and fulfillment
10. We feel stuck in life.

Do any of these resonate with you? Freedom from bondage starts with our thinking.  It starts by realizing the thought patterns and attitudes that are holding us back and making a conscious decision to change the lens through which we perceive the events of life. There is always another way to see things. There is a silver lining to every dark cloud, no matter how dark it may seem.

Positive thoughts raise our energetic vibration and negative thoughts lower it. We attract what we think about. If we want positive people in our lives, we need to be postive. Like attracts like. The reverse is also true. If you want to have more joy, more energy and feel more alive, start catching yourself thinking. When you find you are dwelling on something negative, REBOOT!

When I wake up in the morning, I repeat this verse first thing: "This is the day that the Lord has made. I will rejoice and be glad in it". (Ps. 118:24). I make a conscious choice to enjoy my day. I also put on the "shoes of peace", to remind me not to let anyone or anything steal my peace and to be kind and humble when dealing with others. I encourage you to develop your own spiritual morning routine to preprogram your day.

You can control your energetic vibration and it starts with thinking positive thoughts and taking control of your emotions. We can choose to see the glass half-full or half-empty. It is a choice we make every day, every minute of our lives. Don't get older and grumpier. Be like fine wine which matures, gets more mellow and more enjoyable as it ages.

If you enjoyed this post and would like to join our blog community, enter your email address in the box provided. You'll receive bi-weekly posts plus my free eguide entitled " 7 Steps to Finding Your Spiritual Path".  Until next time, check out one of my favorite new songs on this topic. Click here to listen.

Stay tuned for more practical, positive and powerful ways to ignite the power within and discover YOUR destiny!

Until next time,

Keep looking up!

Ariel Paz 

Tapping to Release Stored Emotions

Have you heard of EFT? Emotional Freedom Technique? While we are talking about healing and health this month, I find it "interesting" that I have come across an online summit on this amazingly powerful technique.

I first heard about EFT several years ago when I was going to a chirporacter for low back pain. I forgot about it for several years as I was focusing on dealing with the chronic migraines I'd suffered from for years which had come to a crescendo during my menopausal transition stage. I realized that emotions play a huge role in our physical as well as mental health. 

As we know we are body, mind, and spirit. Each part is connected to the others. When one part is injured, it affects the other parts. When one part of this trio is out of balance, it affects the others. This is what I mean by "wholeness", having health, harmony, and balance in all three areas.

So today I am sharing on this simple but effective technique called EFT also known as tapping. Tapping is a simple process we can use to identify and resolve negative emotions, events, and beliefs that get stored in our body. Yes, when we go through emotionally traumatic events, these negative emotions and beliefs get stored in the tissues and fascia of our bodies which is why we often have muscle and joint aches and pains that we can't seem to get rid of. If we dig deep enough, we will find an emotional root that needs to be identified and then healed.

So what is tapping exactly and how does it work?

In a similiar way that acupuncture works on the meridians of the body, tapping does too. The meridians are the energy channels through which the qi or life force flows. When a blockage occurs, the result is a physical symptom. Learn more about meridians here.

To give you a personal example of why this works, I'll share my experience with acupuncture, emotions, and organs.

Several years ago, I came down with an attack of asthma. I had never had it before and I decided to visit an acupuncturist to find out what was going on. The acupuncturist explained to me that asthma was related to the lungs and the lungs were related to the emotion of grief. As soon as he said the word "grief", I burst into tears. Bingo! I had been experiencing extreme grief due to the hurtful behavior of my oldest son. The acupuncturist gave me the treatment and the asthma went away on its own. To learn more about the connection between emotions and your organs, read here.

Tapping is a combination of acupressure and modern psychology. By gently tapping on various points on the body and speaking out our feelings and emotions, while affirming ourselves, the energy in the body is rebalanced and emotional and physical healing occurs. This technique has been used on war veterans suffering from PTSD with great success. It has demonstrated benefits for a variety of issues such as depression, anxiety, physical pain and insomnia.

What is even more exciting is that when we tap on a particular feeling or issue, often this leads us to a deeper issue or event which can then be healed because it is brought up into our consciousness.

I hope you found this post interesting, educational, and helpful. Stay tuned for more on health and healing this month and do join our community by entering your email in the box provided. You'll receive my bi-weekly posts plus a copy of my free eguide "7 Steps to Finding Your Spiritual Path". 

Until next time, keep looking up!

Ariel Paz 

How to Stay Jolly During the Holidays

The holidays are here and for many it's a time of family, friends, food and fun. But not everyone's life is picture perfect. Not every family gets along. We never know what is going on behind someone's happy facade. One thing that can steal our joy at this time of year is holding on to negative emotions which are fueled by negative thoughts. Anger, resentment, bitterness and hostility can all steal our peace and joy so today I'm sharing on what I have learned about letting go of negative emotions and staying joyful during the holidays and all through the year.

1. Acknowledge our feelings - both positive and negative.
Most of us know when we are feeling good, but many times we ignore or hide the fact that we are feeling angry, upset, anxious, frustrated, sad, lonely, etc. I have a sticky note on my desk that says "How am I feeling?" to remind me to check in with my feelings on a regular basis. After years of being told I was "too sensitive" I learned to bury my feelings which is both destructive and unhealthy as they will come to the surface sooner or later and in the meantime cause us to act out in ways such as overeating, overdrinking, overspending, overreacting, and various other excessive behaviors.

Many times we don't even realize what we are thinking about. Or worse, we project our negative feelings onto an innocent bystander. A simple question might provoke an angry response for no apparent reason. When you respond inappropriately, stop and ask yourself what is really going on.

2.  Identify the root cause.
When we acknowledge we are mad, stressed, sad, frustrated or whatever, we need to figure out the root cause - immediately. What thoughts are we thinking? Don't be too quick to place blame on someone else. We each are responsible for our feelings. "You made me mad..." is a blame tactic. What is it that mad you mad and why? Usually the answer is something deeper such as not feeling respected, heard, appreciated, or understood. Sometimes the cause is as simple as being overly tired or hungry. Remember the acronym HALT and try not to let yourself get too Hungry, Angry, Lonely, or Tired. These condtions are a sure setup for trouble.

3. Talk it out. 
 The best solution I have found is to try and talk it out with the other person, if another person is involved. Text messaging or emails are not appropriate when dealing with emotional issues. No sense giving someone the silent treatment or taking the passive aggressive route. These only further escalate the tension. Take some time to calm down. Walk away from a tense situation if you feel overwhelmed and unable to control yourself emotionally. Go for a walk and get some fresh air. Nothing good comes out of trying to discuss when you are heated. The emotional part of the brain has already taken over the logical. Agree to set a time to discuss when both parties are calm and thinking clearly and not emotionally.

If the other party is not willing to discuss, then craft a carefully thought out email to express your feelings. You have to get them out or they will devour you. You can then decide whether or not you want to send the email. Be sure to use "I feel when you" statements and stick to YOUR feelings rather than attacking or blaming the other person, which is ineffective at best. We are each responsible for our part in any conflict. For more on "I feel" statements, check out this article. Communication done in a proper way is a loving attempt to reach understanding and common ground.

4. Refuse to dwell on what happened. 
Our thoughts fuel our feelings. When we think negative thoughts, we feel negative and vice versa.

Catch yourself thinking. Scripture exhorts us to "Take every thought captive." (2 Cor 10:5). There is always another way to look at things. Dwelling on what someone said or did to us only prolongs the pain. After you have expressed your feelings, let them go. The situation is in God's hands and you have done all you can. Work on regaining your peace and joy and making the necessary changes you need to make.

If your attempts to communicate with the other person have not resulted in a change in behavior, it may be time to take a break in the relationship. This doesn't mean a permanent rift, but a time of separation can give each party time to reevaluate and reprioritize. We need to work to live in peace and if we can't live in peace then we have to go our separate ways.

Life is too short to stay mad at anyone. If we want to live in peace and joy daily, we must make an effort to do so.

I hope this post has given you some ways to process your negative emotions and deal with conflict in your relationships. We all have them and it is perfectly normal but they must be managed in a healthy productive manner. If you'd like to join our community, enter your email in the box provided. You'll receive my bi-weekly posts plus a copy of my free eguide "7 Steps to Finding Your Spiritual Path". 

Stay tuned for more positive and practical wisdom to help us all find healing, wholeness, and harmony and until next time,

Keep looking up!

Ariel Paz 

7 Steps to Dealing with Pent Up Negative Emotions

Negative emotions can build up without us even realizing it and have disastrous consequences. Take the recent riots in Baltimore, for example. Years of pent up frustration and resentment erupted in a city-wide looting and rioting spree this week. Stores were vandalized. People were injured. Residents are shocked and alarmed. The governor has declared a state of emergency and called in the National Guard. The mayor ordered a curfew and police are patrolling the city with guns and weapons. The triggering event was the unnecessary death of a black youth while in the custody of city police. But why this violent reaction many ask?

We can ask the same question about the mass killings of innocent school children at Sandy Hook Elementary School or the shootings at Columbine, Aurora movie theatre, to name just a few. In my humble opinion, the root cause of aggressive violence, barring mental illness, is the inability to process one's negative emotions. We all have them. Stress from our jobs, school, our relationships, unfair treatment in the workplace and in the community can build up to an intolerable crescendo unless we learn to handle it in positive ways.

A video clip of a Baltimore city mom cursing and hitting her kid over the head has made headlines. Some people are condoning her actions.

I ask this question "What is she teaching her son?" Yes, I understand she was concerned and afraid for him. Any mother would be. But how we parents act in the difficult situations of life is how our kids are going to act when we're not around. I have seen many a mom smacking her kid, yelling at a child, and in general, being totally out of control. I have lost my temper a time or two when I was raising my kids as a single parent. One day, it dawned on me. What am I teaching my kids? It was a rude but necessary awakening.

Not only do we need to educate the kids on how to handle their emotions, we need to educate the parents. Do you think it is appropriate to curse and whack a child on the head to discipline them? We expect these kids to show respect to others, but if it has never been shown to them, this is an unrealistic expectation. Kids model the behavior that has been modeled to them. Remember the old adage, action speaks louder than words. So what can we do as parents? Here are some constructive ways we can better manage our emotions and hopefully, pass these on to our kids.

1) Allow myself to feel my emotions - negative as well as positive. Do not suppress or "stuff" them. Do not allow them to build up without expression.

2) Do not judge myself for having any type of emotion or feeling. Emotions and feelings are fleeting and temporary but they are messages that have a purpose.

3) Observe myself feeling the emotion. Identify the bodily reactions I experience such as a tight stomach, a headache, or stiff neck.

4) Understand the triggering event. Our thoughts trigger our emotions. What negative thought did I have that caused me to feel this way?

5) Realize an emotion does not control us. We control it. Take a few deep breaths to regain control.

6) Take positive action to change the situation. If the situation is out of my control, then I need to work on changing the way I perceive a situation. There is always a different way to view things.

7) Commend myself for being aware of my feelings and emotions. We will feel much more in control of our lives when we make a conscious choice rather than act on emotion.

Researchers have long studied the effects of yelling at kids. Here's a link from Today's Parent which says "Adolescents whose parents had been using yelling as a discipline method were more likely to have behavioral issues and to act out (including with vandalism and violence)."

This is a difficult and complicated subject to address. Negative emotions are not the only cause of violent behavior, but they are a big part of the problem in today's society. Many people prefer to put on a happy face and ignore the issues, but sooner or later, things come to the surface in one way or another. Negative emotions are normal. Everyone has them. The key is how to manage them in healthy and appropriate ways.

What ideas do you have on how to handle your emotions? What do you think this mom's behavior is teaching her son? What other ways do you use to discipline your kids? Do comment below.

Until next time, keep looking up!

Ariel Paz

How to Handle Your Anger

Emotions are powerful. They can be our friend or our enemy.  Problem is many of us don't know how to process them in a healthy productive way. Today's post is about anger - perhaps the most powerful and dangerous emotion. Take a look around or watch the evening news to see plentiful examples of people who can't manage their anger.

We tend to either externalize or internalize our anger We take out our frustrations on others or on ourselves. We over-react to minor situations, use substances to assuage our feelings, alienate ourselves from loved ones, or my all time favorite - NOT - resort to passive aggressive behavior. In this post, we will discuss the emotion of anger and how to identify if we or someone we know has an unresolved anger issue.

Think about the last time you had a very strong reaction to a situation or a person. To get you started here are a few typical scenarios to consider:

1: You're in driving in the car and someone lays on the horn, tailgates you, or flips you the bird.

2: Your boss yells at you on a Friday afternoon

3: A loved one makes a comment and you fly off the handle.

4: You're at a restaurant and the food is taking forever to arrive. You've lost track of time because you are in deep conversation and realize it's been over 25 minutes.

Anger is a normal human emotion. We feel angry for a reason, but sometimes the reason we are angry is not the reason we think. Emotions are transferable. Many times, we explode at someone when really we are angry at someone else. This is called "transference". Instead of confronting the true source of our anger, we take it out on some other innocent party.

Some signs we are angry are:
1) we raise our voice
2) we have a strong physical reaction
3) over-reacting to small things
4) venting to anyone who will listen
5) engaging in excessive or harmful behaviors
6) feeling disconnected from ourselves or others

When we catch ourselves doing any of the above, chances are there is something going on beneath the surface that needs to be addressed. Often, the current situation gets blown out of proportion and the real problem goes detected. Here's a personal story to give you an example of what I'm talking about.

Many years ago, when my oldest son was still in college, I was in bed reading a book when he walks in on a weekend visit. . A little background here, my son is brilliant. He has what his teachers call a photographic memory. He never really had to study much in high school and aced all his exams with little effort.

"Hey, Ma, how you doing?"

"I'm fine. What's up? You look a little down," I observed.

"Yeah, I didn't do so well on my exam today," my oldest darling replied in a dejected tone.

"Oh, sorry to hear that. Do you think you studied enough?" Hint to parents: wrong thing to say. Better to say "So why might that be?"

"I'm leaving," he announced, slamming the door as he bolted out of the house.

Wow! Wonder why he reacted like that. It was a simple question. Little did I know, but I hit the nail on the head, as they say, and he wasn't ready to accept the truth of the situation. 

Several months later, I found out the real reason for the sudden display of anger. My son had lost his scholarship by not keeping his grades up and paying more attention to his fraternity brothers than to his studies.  A pretty good reason to be mad.

What to do 
Unfortunately, in this busy world of ours, we often lose connection with ourselves and our emotions. Days can go by before we realize we are angry about something. The key is to slow down our lives so that we can stay present with ourselves. I find mornings and evenings before I retire good times to check in with myself. Some questions we can ask ourselves are:

"What am I feeling right now?"
"Am I angry?"
"Who am I angry at?"

Some of us explode at the drop of a hat and others of us, like myself, minimize our feelings. Feelings are messengers. They are not meant to be ignored. They have valuable information to provide. We do ourselves a disservice when we ignore, suppress, or minimize our feelings.

Remember, anger is a signal that there is an issue that needs to be addressed. It is not something to be ignored, denied or ashamed of.  It is also not an excuse to act out. "Be angry, but sin not," it says in scripture.

Do let me know if this post was helpful by leaving  a comment below. If you'd like to receive my bi-weekly posts, enter your email in the box provided. You'll also receive a copy of my free e-guide entitled "7 Steps to Finding Your Spiritual Path".

Until next time,  keep looking up!

Ariel  Paz

Why It Is Important to Express Your Feelings

Are you one of those explosive reactive people who fly off the handle at the drop of a hat?  Or are you the other kind? The ones who keep a stoic face, expressionless and stuff the pain deep inside so you won't feel it? Perhaps you burst into tears or play the silent game. Emotions are powerful and they are tools to help us navigate the currents of life.

For some, emotion is seen as a sign of weakness. Real men don't cry is the unspoken mantra. Others put on a smiley face and pretend they're happy, when inside, they are crying. There are two extremes: those who cannot control their emotions and those who numb themselves out, refusing to feel anything. Neither is healthy.

Where are you when it comes to feeling and expressing emotions?

For much of my life I was told I was "too sensitive". As a young child, I cried at the sight of dead chickens in the meat market case. I refused to step on my own shadow. Years passed, and I learned to stifle my feelings, believing the lie I had been taught. But then, I paid a high price. Failure to express our feelings takes a toll on our physical and mental well-being. I realized I needed to express my feelings - the good, the bad, and the ugly.

I was set free.

Emotions and feelings are a gift.  They help us deal with the situations and circumstances of life. They motivate us to action and they can also drag us into the depths of despair if we allow them.  Suppressing our feelings is both unhealthy and unspiritual. When we refuse to express our feelings, we are denying who we are at our core.

Feelings tell us much about ourselves and the world around us. Take fear, for example. Fear comes in many forms, but in truly dangerous situations, it warns us to flee and to protect ourselves. We must listen to our feelings or we risk injuring ourselves even more. Grief and anger are two other emotions that must be expressed. If we keep them in, we will fall into depression.

Think about the positive feelings such as love, joy, gladness, surprise, attraction, gratitude. These also tell us something about ourselves and our world. We live in a hurting place and many feel unloved. A kind word, a compliment, a word of praise or encouragement is a simple act we can all do every day to spread a little more loving kindness. We never know what battles someone may be facing. Love and joy resonate at a higher energy level. Can you not feel it when you are around someone who is radiating these? It's infectious and exhilarating. It's uplifting. Our emotions are keys to our spiritual growth.

So, as Valentine's Day approaches, let's each do our part to spread a little love around, shall we? What simple thing will you do to make the world a more joyful, kind and loving place? Encourage a friend who may be down. Send a card just to say hello. I still give out those little Valentine's Day cards we used to write as children to people at the office and neighbors. It's silly, I know, but everybody needs to be reminded they are loved and if it brings a smile to someone's face, then I've done my part. Will you do yours?

Stay tuned for more practical and positive wisdom to help you ignite the power within and discover YOUR destiny.

Until next time, keep looking up!


Ariel Paz 

All rights reserved. If you wish to use this material contact me at ariepaz08@gmail.com. 

The Dangerous Pull of Strong Emotions

Emotions are powerful. Think of how you feel when someone cuts you off in traffic, you watch a baby being born, or your favorite team wins the game. These emotions can be very strong at times, almost overwhelming. Emotions can be our friends or our enemies. They can motivate us to climb mountains and they can drag us into the pit of despair. Emotions can motivate us to pursue relationships or leave them. What I want to talk about today is how important it is to learn to pause and reflect before acting out of emotion so we can make conscious choices.

I've read that when we get emotional, a different part of our brain (the right hemisphere known as the limbic system) takes over and the more logical left hemisphere stops working. Logic and emotion are two opposing forces. We've all heard the old adage about the head and the heart, right? Which of these do we allow to influence us in our decision-making?

A recent example of out-of-control emotions is the Baltimore riots. People expressed their long-pent-up frustrations and anger in violent and destructive ways. Emotions are contagious, especially negative emotions such as anger and hostility. Another factor is how deeply we experience our emotions.

Some people feel their emotions more strongly than others. I know, because I am one of them. I feel deeply which can be both a good and a bad thing. I have learned, however, that my emotions are something I have control over. I don't have to allow - say allow - them to control my actions. I can take a step back and think. I had a situation recently where I had the opportunity to practice what I'm preaching here.

As you may know, I am a single lady looking for my soul mate. I recently went on a few dates with a new guy we'll call C. We met online and corresponded a few times, then talked on the phone. I decided to give him a chance. Well, he kept trying to kiss me telling me how attracted he was to me, ya da ya da ya da. Now I appreciate the attention, but as they say, flattery will get you nowhere. So I explained to him gently that I prefer to get to know someone better before I go the physical route. I know how physical men are and that's fine, but women are like ovens. They take a while longer to heat up.

Anyway, the point of the story was, being the analytical ex-IT person I am, I was evaluating the different aspects of this person. I have to admit I was tempted to kiss the guy, but I held back. Kissing can form an intimate connection when someone feels as deeply as I do so I don't jump into it lightly these days. After three dates, I became aware of several aspects of this gentleman that I did not think would make for a long-term match and ended the relationship. Point being, I did not allow my emotions to override my logical thinking and was able to make a conscious choice regarding whether to pursue a relationship with this person.

When we allow our strong feelings to control us, we often make decisions and choices we later regret. Emotions can cloud our judgment and cause us to make poor decisions. This applies to business situations as well as personal relationships. Our emotions can control us or we can learn to control them. The key is to recognize what is going on and stop the train before it derails. Sometimes emotions can rise up in us that have nothing to do with the situation at hand. Have you ever exploded at your kids when you got home from a frustrating day at the office? There you go.

Emotional intelligence is understanding both the source and the impact of our emotions.

For Reflection:
1. Ask myself "What am I feeling?"
2. What is causing me to feel this way?
3. Is this what I really want to do?

The next time you feel overcome with strong emotion, take a step back. Ask yourself the above questions before taking action. What do you think of the thoughts presented here today? Love to hear your feedback so please leave a comment below, on Facebook, or Twitter @ArielPaz08.

Until next time, keep looking up!

Ariel Paz