7 Steps to Dealing with Pent Up Negative Emotions

Negative emotions can build up without us even realizing it and have disastrous consequences. Take the recent riots in Baltimore, for example. Years of pent up frustration and resentment erupted in a city-wide looting and rioting spree this week. Stores were vandalized. People were injured. Residents are shocked and alarmed. The governor has declared a state of emergency and called in the National Guard. The mayor ordered a curfew and police are patrolling the city with guns and weapons. The triggering event was the unnecessary death of a black youth while in the custody of city police. But why this violent reaction many ask?

We can ask the same question about the mass killings of innocent school children at Sandy Hook Elementary School or the shootings at Columbine, Aurora movie theatre, to name just a few. In my humble opinion, the root cause of aggressive violence, barring mental illness, is the inability to process one's negative emotions. We all have them. Stress from our jobs, school, our relationships, unfair treatment in the workplace and in the community can build up to an intolerable crescendo unless we learn to handle it in positive ways.

A video clip of a Baltimore city mom cursing and hitting her kid over the head has made headlines. Some people are condoning her actions.

I ask this question "What is she teaching her son?" Yes, I understand she was concerned and afraid for him. Any mother would be. But how we parents act in the difficult situations of life is how our kids are going to act when we're not around. I have seen many a mom smacking her kid, yelling at a child, and in general, being totally out of control. I have lost my temper a time or two when I was raising my kids as a single parent. One day, it dawned on me. What am I teaching my kids? It was a rude but necessary awakening.

Not only do we need to educate the kids on how to handle their emotions, we need to educate the parents. Do you think it is appropriate to curse and whack a child on the head to discipline them? We expect these kids to show respect to others, but if it has never been shown to them, this is an unrealistic expectation. Kids model the behavior that has been modeled to them. Remember the old adage, action speaks louder than words. So what can we do as parents? Here are some constructive ways we can better manage our emotions and hopefully, pass these on to our kids.

1) Allow myself to feel my emotions - negative as well as positive. Do not suppress or "stuff" them. Do not allow them to build up without expression.

2) Do not judge myself for having any type of emotion or feeling. Emotions and feelings are fleeting and temporary but they are messages that have a purpose.

3) Observe myself feeling the emotion. Identify the bodily reactions I experience such as a tight stomach, a headache, or stiff neck.

4) Understand the triggering event. Our thoughts trigger our emotions. What negative thought did I have that caused me to feel this way?

5) Realize an emotion does not control us. We control it. Take a few deep breaths to regain control.

6) Take positive action to change the situation. If the situation is out of my control, then I need to work on changing the way I perceive a situation. There is always a different way to view things.

7) Commend myself for being aware of my feelings and emotions. We will feel much more in control of our lives when we make a conscious choice rather than act on emotion.

Researchers have long studied the effects of yelling at kids. Here's a link from Today's Parent which says "Adolescents whose parents had been using yelling as a discipline method were more likely to have behavioral issues and to act out (including with vandalism and violence)."

This is a difficult and complicated subject to address. Negative emotions are not the only cause of violent behavior, but they are a big part of the problem in today's society. Many people prefer to put on a happy face and ignore the issues, but sooner or later, things come to the surface in one way or another. Negative emotions are normal. Everyone has them. The key is how to manage them in healthy and appropriate ways.

What ideas do you have on how to handle your emotions? What do you think this mom's behavior is teaching her son? What other ways do you use to discipline your kids? Do comment below.

Until next time, keep looking up!

Ariel Paz

Ignite the Power Within Step 4: 5 Ways to Overcome Overwhelm

"I've just got too much to do and I'm exhausted." "I don't have time for...." Have you heard yourself make comments like these lately? Do you feel like you are never caught up? Always on the go and never have time to relax, exercise, or do something nice for yourself? If so, you are not alone. We all struggle with overwhelm at times, but there are ways to manage it and make life more relaxed and stress-free.

The feeling of being overwhelmed is a problem many struggle with, especially women who are usually taking care of the family, the house, the meals, the spouse or boyfriend, all the while holding down a full-time career AND trying to stay thin, fit, and beautiful. Just thinking about all this is exhausting.

I know because I've been there myself. As a single mom raising two sons, working at a demanding high-pressure job and going to night school, it was quite a juggling act to keep everything together. But I survived, and you will too and today I am sharing 5 tips on how to deal with overwhelm and not turn into the wicked witch of the west.

1. Take time to breath.
When we start feeling anxious, rushed, or stressed, that means it's time to take a break, sit down, and take a few deep calming breaths. Repeat a phrase that will calm you down such as "I can do this", "I am calm", or any prayer or meditation that you choose.

2. Prioritize.
Reevaluate what is really important in your life. Most women have a hard time relaxing. We need to remind ourselves to just "Chill out" and move relaxation higher up on the priority list. I know I do. Most men do not seem to have this problem, I have observed. We could learn from them.

3. Just say NO.
 I used to carry a yellow laminated card in my purse with the word 'NO' written in big red letters. I would whip it out when someone asked me to do something I was not crazy about doing. Picture the referee at a soccer game giving a yellow card to one of the players. You get the idea.

4. Stay present.
 Focus on the task at hand. Don't spend precious energy thinking about what all you have to do that day or that week. Take one thing at a time. Then rest. Then do the next thing. When we spend time complaining or ruminating about everything we have to do, we waste precious time and energy.

5. Be thankful.
Look for the positive side of the situation. Instead of complaining about cleaning the house, say "I am thankful I have the energy and the health to clean my house."  "I am thankful I have a house to clean." Rather than bemoan your job, your boss, your coworkers, say "I am thankful I have a job and a steady income." There is always another way to look at things.

These are a few tips to help us all stay calm, cool, and collected despite the many demands and responsibilities of life. There will always be stuff to do. We cannot change that. But we can change our attitude on how we think about the stuff we have to do.

If you enjoyed this post and would like to join our community, enter your email address in the box provided. You'll receive a copy of my free e-guide entitled "7 Steps to Finding Your Spiritual Path".  Share this post with your friends too.

Until next time, remember to take time to rest and as always, keep looking up!

Ariel

The Power of Our Words

Words have great impact. Think of Martin Luther King's speech "I have a dream" or Abraham Lincoln's Gettysburg Address. Words can motivate us to action, uplift our spirits, and fill us with hope. The right words at the right time can move mountains and stir us to become better than we are.

Words can also wound and to destroy.  A thoughtless comment can do much damage. Many times, often in a moment of frustration, the wrong words come out before we realize and we inflict an emotional scar on a loved one. Words can wound in an instant, but it may take years for the wounds to heal.

What We Say to Our Kids
A parent's words are critical to the healthy self-esteem of a child. A child's perception of themselves is formed by what they are told about themselves, regardless of whether they are true or not.  Parents, teachers, siblings - all can impact a young child. I remember being told "You're too sensitive" hence I grew up ignoring and suppressing my feelings. I learned to overlook hurtful and abusive behaviors, because I believed the lie that I was "too sensitive". Today, I listen to my feelings and emotions. They are God-given and I need to respect them. We also need to pay attention to what we are saying to ourselves and others.

What We Say to Ourselves
Are we honoring and respecting ourselves? Or are we saying things like "I'm too fat, too dumb, too old, too lazy, too whatever." What we say about ourselves comes true. It's like a self-fulfilling prophecy. Turn it around. Start saying positive things about yourself. We get enough negativity from the media, the magazines and other people. We need to be our own cheer-leaders.

What We Say to Others 
Are we honoring and respecting others or are we making "jokes" at their expense? Sarcasm is very common today as a form of humor, but Oswald Chambers, the great theologian, said this: "Sarcasm is the weak man's weapon." 

Are our words "seasoned with salt", pleasing to the ear, and uplifting to the hearer? Or are they critical, judgmental and harsh? If so, it may be time to make a change. Anthony Robbins talks about this in his book "Awaken the Giant Within". He talks about how we can change the impact of negative words by changing the words we use and increase the positive power of words in the same way.

Be Kind
My mom has a phrase I'm sure you've heard. "You can get more flies with honey than you do with vinegar." Kind words are easy to digest. They go down like a spoon full of sugar, as Mary Poppins would say. There is a difference between kind words and flattery. Flattery is fake. Kind words are genuine. Kindness is a fruit of the spirit. Here are 3 criteria we can use to measure our words:

1) Is it kind?
2) Is it necessary?
3) Is it truthful?

If the answer to these is NO, it may be best to remain silent.

I hope this post has encouraged you. We all can be more cognizant of the words that come out of our mouths. Every day is a gift and an opportunity to practice so forgive yourself for yesterday and resolve to do better today.

If you'd like a copy of my free e-guide entitled "7 Steps to Finding Your Spiritual Path" enter your email address in the box provided.

Until next time, be kind to yourself and others, and keep looking up!

Ariel 

Why You Should Say "No" to Your Adult Children

Grandparents raising their grandkids. Adult children moving back in with their parents. Parents continuing to pay for their grown children's expenses. Thirty and forty year olds still living with Mom. Any of these sound familiar? I see more and more of these situations and it pains me so much I decided to write a post on the issue.

It's normal for parents to want to help out their kids - to a point. After that point, it becomes an issue of enabling. There I said it. As a recovering codependent, it took me many years to learn this lesson. "I'm just trying to help her". "But he's in ______ (you fill in the blank) trouble/jail/rehab again." "He's my son, for heaven's sake. I can't just let him _____".
Yes, I hear you. It is tough to say no to your kids, but at some point, we are no longer helping them, we are preventing them from taking responsibility for their own choices. In reality, we are hindering them from becoming the responsible adults they are intended to be.

This is not a new problem. In fact, it's been around since ancient times. You know how people say the Bible is irrelevant and outdated? Well, let me share a story and then see what you think.

So you probably have heard of David, of David and Goliath fame, yes? You know how he slayed the giant with a slingshot and a few stones and then went on to become king of Israel after many years of being chased by sour grapes king Saul. Well, King David had several sons. One of them, Amnon, raped his half-sister, Tamar. However, the Bible and the Dead Sea scrolls record that although David was angered, he did nothing about it (2 Sam 13:21) "because he loved him as he was his first-born son." So Absalom, another of David's sons, took things into his own hands, and had Amnon murdered. Again, David did nothing. After several years of separation, David allowed Absalom to come back home. And what did Absalom do then? Plot to overthrow his father, the King, that's what. Long story short, it wasn't until David was on his death-bed that he finally had the courage to stand up to his sons and declare Solomon as his heir.

One of the lessons in this timeless story is that even the best of parents can be too lenient on their adult children. Years of dysfunction, hostility, and hatred resulted because David refused to say no to Amnon's behavior. This story is a warning to parents. We must learn to say "No" to our adult children. In other words, we must learn to put our foot down and say "Enough is enough." Mothers are especially guilty of this because we love so much and perhaps, dare I say, we may lack the courage to stand up to the men in our lives.

Here are a few lessons I have learned and for you to consider if you find yourself in a similar situation:
1) Realize our children are adults first, relatives second. Treat your adult child as you would any other non-related adult.
2) Break the habit of saying "Yes" sooner, rather than later.
3) Realize you are enabling your child, rather than helping him/her to grow up.
4) Loving your kids means teaching them responsibility, not dependency.
5) Supportive means emotionally, not financially after age 30 or maybe even sooner.

Sometimes the hardest choices we make have to do with our own family members. But remember what Jesus said when asked who were his brothers and sisters and mother. His reply was "Those who do the will of my Father." Doing the right thing is usually the hardest thing to do.

I'd like to hear your thoughts on this issue. What situation have you encountered when you have said "Yes" when you really should have said "No"? How did you feel after? What can you do differently next time?

For your free copy of my "7 Steps to Finding Your Spiritual Path" enter your email in the box and I'll get it right out to you.

With love and encouragement remember to keep the faith and keep looking up! Everything works for our good.

Ariel Paz

Mom's Not So Stupid After All

Parenting is a tough job, no doubt about it. Especially when you are a working parent and even more challenging if you are a working single parent like I was. Sometimes we just want to throw in the towel and quit. Don't do it. Your kids are watching you. Today's post is to encourage parents, especially single parents, to keep doing the right thing, keep being a good role model. No, you won't be perfect and yes, your kids will have to learn some things on their own, but you will have given them a good foundation.

Well, I'll be. This week my son, Jon, asked me to speak to his college class. He is majoring in business and his group needed a speaker.

"We need a successful business person and I thought of you. You've accomplished a lot and been through a lot."

"What do you want me to talk about?" I asked almost dumb-founded.

"You could talk about strength, and beginning with the end in mind" Jon said quoting a chapter from the book he's reading by Steven Covey.

Wow! How did we get from "You don't know anything, Mom" to "Will you speak to my class, Mom?" Amazing.

So I agreed. In fact, I felt honored that Jon would ask me to speak to these young people who will be the business leaders of tomorrow.

It just goes to show you, parents, that our kids are watching us. They are watching the decisions we make, how we stand up under pressure, and how we handle the tough times. We can preach to them all we want, but in the end, actions speak louder than words. We are the best role model our kids can have.

All these years I've worried about my sons. If we are following the Lord, then we can trust that our kids will see that as well. So have faith, parents, you may be doing a better job than you think you are!'

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Stay tuned for more on igniting the power within and discovering YOUR destiny!

Until next time, keep looking up!


Ariel Paz