The more exposure we have to family members such as during the Pandemic, the holidays, vacations, etc. the more opportunity there will be for drama. So today I am offering some practical steps to help us transform our emotional brains and manage our reactivity.
What causes drama anyway?
Most of the time it stems from emotional reactivity. The emotional center of our brains, known as the amygdala, gets hijacked and we react in an emotionally charged manner, rather than responding in a calm, conscious way.
We react out of unhealed emotional wounds, often from the past but also from our egos. Healing occurs when we bring light into these dark places of our soul. This takes time, energy, and deep introspection and winter is a perfect time to do this.
Do you know your soul is here for a reason? You are not here by happenstance, just to have a good time for a few years, then be buried and that's the end of it. You are here to learn and to heal, to grow and to evolve, to move yourself and others forward. Life is a school, and if we don't learn our soul lessons we are going to repeat the grade, if you get my drift.
Healing is part of our Spiritual Journey
You've probably heard the phrase "When the student is ready, the teacher will appear". What this means is that we are all on a journey and life is a school of sorts. It presents us with teachers in the form of people and situations to help us to recognize our wounds and then heal them. I like to think of this as a spiritual journey because at the root this journey is the development and healing of our souls. It is a journey to healing, wholeness, and harmony. To awareness and clarity. To living fully alive and in the present moment, not in bondage to the painful events of the past or the worries and concerns of the future.
Do you know your soul is here for a reason? You are not here by happenstance, just to have a good time for a few years, then be buried and that's the end of it. You are here to learn and to heal, to grow and to evolve, to move yourself and others forward. Life is a school, and if we don't learn our soul lessons we are going to repeat the grade, if you get my drift.
Why We Over-React
Emotional reactivity is when we keep reacting to situations in an emotionally-charged manner. This is because we are stuck in mental patterns that keep us from seeing things as they really are and from dealing with life in a peaceful and healthy way. Rather, when we OVER-REACT to a situation, we can be pretty sure we are encountering what author and psychotherapist, Tara Bennett-Goleman calls "samskaras" or schemas.
In her book, "Emotional Alchemy", Tara explains there are 10 major schemas such as the fear of abandonment, emotional deprivation, perfectionism, and the fear of trusting to name a few. Most of us have at least one or two of these unhealthy and unproductive emotional patterns.
In order to conquer these schemas, we must first learn to recognize them so here are 5 steps to becoming more aware of our emotional patterns:
1. Pay attention to over-reactions.
On over-reaction is not necessarily a major outburst. It is an uncomfortable feeling - a bristling if you will - when someone says or does something that stings us emotionally. When we over-react we are not in control. Our hurt or wound is in control. Over-reaction is a signal that a schema is operating. It is interesting how the hurts and fears from our childhood or past relationships can still rear their ugly heads when a situation in the present in some way, shape, or form reminds us of something that happened in the past. Our reptilian brain has no concept of time.
In her book, "Emotional Alchemy", Tara explains there are 10 major schemas such as the fear of abandonment, emotional deprivation, perfectionism, and the fear of trusting to name a few. Most of us have at least one or two of these unhealthy and unproductive emotional patterns.
In order to conquer these schemas, we must first learn to recognize them so here are 5 steps to becoming more aware of our emotional patterns:
1. Pay attention to over-reactions.
On over-reaction is not necessarily a major outburst. It is an uncomfortable feeling - a bristling if you will - when someone says or does something that stings us emotionally. When we over-react we are not in control. Our hurt or wound is in control. Over-reaction is a signal that a schema is operating. It is interesting how the hurts and fears from our childhood or past relationships can still rear their ugly heads when a situation in the present in some way, shape, or form reminds us of something that happened in the past. Our reptilian brain has no concept of time.
Our minds are like computer programs which store all sorts of if/then statements and every now and then a bug shows up and they need to be reprogrammed. When we have these over-reaction bugs in response to current day situations, that is a sign that there is a hidden emotional issue that needs to be recognized, addressed, and healed.
2. Be mindful of your thoughts and feelings.
Explore the emotions you are experiencing. Do you feel anger? Anxiety? Sadness? Like you are being attacked? Emotions give us a clue as to which schema is operating and it is up to us to recognize the schema and the pattern. I know when there is a pattern when I keep having the same type of issue with different people in my life. It's like God is trying to say "Here's an opportunity to heal. Will you deal with it?"
3. What does this situation remind me of?
When we have an over-reaction in the present moment, it often is caused by a painful event from our past. Our brains wire similiar negative emotionally-charged experiences together. Psychologists have a phrase "What fires together, wires together" which means emotions are stored in the brain with past negative events and repitition of these events makes these connections even stronger. Often we are not even aware of the trigger unless we try consciously to connect the dots. We have to look at both the past and the present situation and learn to respond, not react, differently.
4. What need am I trying to get met?
Often unmet needs go unnoticed for years. Perhaps, like me, you had an emotionally absent father figure. Or your caregiver was super-critical. These kinds of traumatic events wound us. We don't get our emotional needs met by the person who was supposed to meet them. So we continue looking for someone to fill our emotional buckets, usually from someone who is just as emotionally unable to meet those needs. When we finally become aware of an unmet need, we can then look for healthier ways and people to meet the need and thus, put an end to the power of our subconsious unhealthy relational patterns, irrational fears, and finally heal our souls.
5. Look for a pattern.
When you have an over-reaction, don't be too quick to gloss over it, ignore it, or put it behind you. These events occur for a reason. It is an opportunity for healing, but it is up to us to try to piece the events together so we can understand what is going on beneath the surface. These situations can shed light on the dark areas of our souls so we can heal them.
The word of God tells us to be "transformed daily by the renewing of our minds" (Romans 12:2). It is only by replacing error with truth and fear with faith that our souls can be truly healed and move forward in life towards our dreams and our destiny.
For Reflection
Think of a time you over-reacted. How did you feel? Why did you think you felt that way? Can you think of a time in your past when you felt the same way? What was similiar in the present situation that might have caused your brain to bring up the negative emotions?
I hope this post has helped you recognize some things and if you enjoyed it, stay tuned for my new book "Ignite the Power Within: 10 Steps to Strengthen Your Spiritual Muscle".
2. Be mindful of your thoughts and feelings.
Explore the emotions you are experiencing. Do you feel anger? Anxiety? Sadness? Like you are being attacked? Emotions give us a clue as to which schema is operating and it is up to us to recognize the schema and the pattern. I know when there is a pattern when I keep having the same type of issue with different people in my life. It's like God is trying to say "Here's an opportunity to heal. Will you deal with it?"
3. What does this situation remind me of?
When we have an over-reaction in the present moment, it often is caused by a painful event from our past. Our brains wire similiar negative emotionally-charged experiences together. Psychologists have a phrase "What fires together, wires together" which means emotions are stored in the brain with past negative events and repitition of these events makes these connections even stronger. Often we are not even aware of the trigger unless we try consciously to connect the dots. We have to look at both the past and the present situation and learn to respond, not react, differently.
4. What need am I trying to get met?
Often unmet needs go unnoticed for years. Perhaps, like me, you had an emotionally absent father figure. Or your caregiver was super-critical. These kinds of traumatic events wound us. We don't get our emotional needs met by the person who was supposed to meet them. So we continue looking for someone to fill our emotional buckets, usually from someone who is just as emotionally unable to meet those needs. When we finally become aware of an unmet need, we can then look for healthier ways and people to meet the need and thus, put an end to the power of our subconsious unhealthy relational patterns, irrational fears, and finally heal our souls.
5. Look for a pattern.
When you have an over-reaction, don't be too quick to gloss over it, ignore it, or put it behind you. These events occur for a reason. It is an opportunity for healing, but it is up to us to try to piece the events together so we can understand what is going on beneath the surface. These situations can shed light on the dark areas of our souls so we can heal them.
The word of God tells us to be "transformed daily by the renewing of our minds" (Romans 12:2). It is only by replacing error with truth and fear with faith that our souls can be truly healed and move forward in life towards our dreams and our destiny.
For Reflection
Think of a time you over-reacted. How did you feel? Why did you think you felt that way? Can you think of a time in your past when you felt the same way? What was similiar in the present situation that might have caused your brain to bring up the negative emotions?
I hope this post has helped you recognize some things and if you enjoyed it, stay tuned for my new book "Ignite the Power Within: 10 Steps to Strengthen Your Spiritual Muscle".
Healing is a process that takes time. Be gentle with yourself and ask others to be gentle with you. It is not easy to heal from emotional wounds. It takes courage and willingness so be proud of yourself for making the effort.
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Stay tuned for more postive and practical wisdom to help you ignite the power within and discover YOUR destiny!
Until next time, keep looking up!
Ariel Paz
Stay tuned for more postive and practical wisdom to help you ignite the power within and discover YOUR destiny!
Until next time, keep looking up!
Ariel Paz
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