How to Have More Peace and Less Drama: the Problem with Codependency

Are you stressed out from doing too much? Constantly on the go? Are you the one everyone calls when they have a problem? Would you like to take back your life and have more peace and harmony? If so, read on.

We only have so much energy in any given day so we must be very wise on how we spend that energy. If we spend it all on other people and their dramas and issues, we will have nothing left to pursue our own dreams and goals. Eventually we will start to feel resentful, overly-tired and cranky and then it's time to take a step back.

When I was a single mom, raising two sons, and maintaining a house, a car and a demanding career, I felt like this many times. Then one day, a friend suggested I try Al-Anon. She had been going and it seemed to help her so I thought "Why not?" As I listened to other people struggling with the same issues, I began to realize why I was feeling so burnt out. I was spending all my energy on other people and not enough on myself. I was codependent.

One day the leader gave us each a laminated yellow card with the word NO written in red in big, bold letters. For years, I carried that card around with me in my purse to get me in the habit of saying no. It made me pause before I answered someone's request. Sometimes I wouldn't say a word. I would just whip out the card and flash it in front of the other person, with a smile, of course.

But what is codependency exactly?

Codependency has been a difficult term to define. Here's one definition that resonates with me:
"When we spend more time and energy taking responsibility for other people's problems, thoughts, and actions than we do on our own." Codependents fail to recognize that self-care is vital to being a healthy, happy, and productive individual.

Codependents come from emotionally dysfunctional homes, such as when one or both parents are alcoholics. Or from homes where there is an imbalance in responsibility. One sibling tends to take on more responsibility because the other siblings are too busy having fun and being irresponsible. Or when one parent is absent either physically or emotionally such as when a spouse is a work-aholic.

The problem with codependency is we don't allow others to take responsibility for themselves. We prevent them from growing up if we are always there to take on their load. When we do for others what they can and should be doing for themselves, we become enablers.

If you find yourself saying "Yes" to others far more than you say "Yes" to yourself, it may be time to reevaluate priorities.

For codependents, saying NO doesn't come naturally at first, but it becomes so empowering once you get in the habit. So today I am going to share with you some steps I've learned to overcome codependency and people-pleasing, and maintain my joy and energy reserves.

Here are 8 steps you can take to enjoy more peace and less drama in your life:

1. Learn to say "NO" more often.

2. Make "No" your default response instead of "Yes".

3. Conserve your emotional energy.

4. Take more time for yourself.

5. Set boundaries especially with your family members and friends.

6. Have done with false guilt.

7. Allow others to own responsibility for their own lives.

8. Ask God to give you wisdom on what you should and should not take on.

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Hope this 2-part post has helped you find more peace. If you have any tips please share with us all. This is a community and a conversation.

Stay tuned for more on igniting the power within, living the life you deserve and discovering YOUR destiny!

Until next time, keep looking up!

Ariel

Why It Is Important to Express Your Feelings

Are you one of those explosive reactive people who fly off the handle at the drop of a hat?  Or are you the other kind? The ones who keep a stoic face, expressionless and stuff the pain deep inside so you won't feel it? Perhaps you burst into tears or play the silent game. Emotions are powerful and they are tools to help us navigate the currents of life.

For some, emotion is seen as a sign of weakness. Real men don't cry is the unspoken mantra. Others put on a smiley face and pretend they're happy, when inside, they are crying. There are two extremes: those who cannot control their emotions and those who numb themselves out, refusing to feel anything. Neither is healthy.

Where are you when it comes to feeling and expressing emotions?

For much of my life I was told I was "too sensitive". As a young child, I cried at the sight of dead chickens in the meat market case. I refused to step on my own shadow. Years passed, and I learned to stifle my feelings, believing the lie I had been taught. But then, I paid a high price. Failure to express our feelings takes a toll on our physical and mental well-being. I realized I needed to express my feelings - the good, the bad, and the ugly.

I was set free.

Emotions and feelings are a gift.  They help us deal with the situations and circumstances of life. They motivate us to action and they can also drag us into the depths of despair if we allow them.  Suppressing our feelings is both unhealthy and unspiritual. When we refuse to express our feelings, we are denying who we are at our core.

Feelings tell us much about ourselves and the world around us. Take fear, for example. Fear comes in many forms, but in truly dangerous situations, it warns us to flee and to protect ourselves. We must listen to our feelings or we risk injuring ourselves even more. Grief and anger are two other emotions that must be expressed. If we keep them in, we will fall into depression.

Think about the positive feelings such as love, joy, gladness, surprise, attraction, gratitude. These also tell us something about ourselves and our world. We live in a hurting place and many feel unloved. A kind word, a compliment, a word of praise or encouragement is a simple act we can all do every day to spread a little more loving kindness. We never know what battles someone may be facing. Love and joy resonate at a higher energy level. Can you not feel it when you are around someone who is radiating these? It's infectious and exhilarating. It's uplifting. Our emotions are keys to our spiritual growth.

So, as Valentine's Day approaches, let's each do our part to spread a little love around, shall we? What simple thing will you do to make the world a more joyful, kind and loving place? Encourage a friend who may be down. Send a card just to say hello. I still give out those little Valentine's Day cards we used to write as children to people at the office and neighbors. It's silly, I know, but everybody needs to be reminded they are loved and if it brings a smile to someone's face, then I've done my part. Will you do yours?

Stay tuned for more practical and positive wisdom to help you ignite the power within and discover YOUR destiny.

Until next time, keep looking up!


Ariel Paz 

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