First, let's talk about what exactly is an emotional connection and how you achieve it. An emotional connection means we are able to maintain a certain degree of closeness, sharing, and intimacy with another person. This is not, I repeat NOT, the intimacy of physical union. Sex has to do with the physical side of relationships. What I am talking about here is the type of closeness that comes from open, honest, respectful verbal communication, the sharing of deep feelings, coupled with a genuine care and concern for the other person's well-being. A great emotional connection makes for a great physical connection and vice versa.
If you're not feeling as close as you'd like to your loved one, here are 4 possible reasons why and what to do about them.
1. Playing the blame game
One clue that this is happening is if you hear yourself saying "You always ....".
or "You did such and such....". Sure your partner or loved one may have done something to irritate you, but accusing and blaming is not going to fix the problem. When something goes wrong in a relationship, both parties typically have some responsibility. Rarely is the problem one-sided.
Start by accepting your part of the problem. Blaming is a a result of refusing to take personal responsibility for one's part. We all make mistakes but they are not an indicator of our self-worth. There should be no shame associated with the admission of mistakes. When we admit our mistakes, we pave the way for improvement and change. Here is a good article from Psychology Today on how to stop playing the blame game.
A better way to phrase your displeasure is by using "I" statements instead of "You" statements. Here are a few examples:
"I feel so alone when you work late every night."
"I feel disrespected when I am talking to you and you are reading the paper, playing video games, watching tv."
"When you threaten to leave it sounds like you are not commited to this relationship and it makes me feel sad/mad/hopeless."
"I feel devalued when you raise your voice to me."
The key is to share what you are feeling from your heart and try to connect to the other person's heart and what they are feeling. If the other person truly cares about you and preserving the relationship, he or she will care about your feelings and want to put forth the energy to acknowledge you and change.
2. Assigning negative labels or name-calling
When we label someone in a pejorative way, we cause emotional disconnection. No one likes to be called names or labeled. I remember my mother always used to tell me I was "too sensitive" and I grew up ignoring my feelings. Then my sister picked up the same behavior and added her label about my body. Years later, I finally put my foot down with both of them. The labeling stopped.
Some examples of name-calling and labeling are:
"You're so clumsy"
"You're so stupid"
"You'll never amount to anything"
"You're lazy/fat/..."
"You are unconscious"
"You are greedy"
Most people have their own set of insecurities and when we lash out at others using unkind labels and name-calling, we enforce these insecurities and contribute to the other person's low self-esteem. When people label or name-call, it is really out of their OWN insecurities. For some reason, they feel threatened and lash out instead.
A better approach is to hold our tongue or walk away from the situation if we feel we can't control ourselves. Hurtful words do much damage and the emotional scars take a long time to heal. The other person may never say anything to you but if you notice an emotional distancing you know they have been hurt.
3. Judging
Judging means forming an opinion about someone assigning "right" or "wrong" to their behavior. Most of the time, there is no right or wrong, it is simply a matter of a difference of opinion or perspective. Everyone sees situations through their own lens and worldview. Right or wrong implies a moral judgement and who are we to morally judge another?
Start by accepting your part of the problem. Blaming is a a result of refusing to take personal responsibility for one's part. We all make mistakes but they are not an indicator of our self-worth. There should be no shame associated with the admission of mistakes. When we admit our mistakes, we pave the way for improvement and change. Here is a good article from Psychology Today on how to stop playing the blame game.
A better way to phrase your displeasure is by using "I" statements instead of "You" statements. Here are a few examples:
"I feel so alone when you work late every night."
"I feel disrespected when I am talking to you and you are reading the paper, playing video games, watching tv."
"When you threaten to leave it sounds like you are not commited to this relationship and it makes me feel sad/mad/hopeless."
"I feel devalued when you raise your voice to me."
The key is to share what you are feeling from your heart and try to connect to the other person's heart and what they are feeling. If the other person truly cares about you and preserving the relationship, he or she will care about your feelings and want to put forth the energy to acknowledge you and change.
2. Assigning negative labels or name-calling
When we label someone in a pejorative way, we cause emotional disconnection. No one likes to be called names or labeled. I remember my mother always used to tell me I was "too sensitive" and I grew up ignoring my feelings. Then my sister picked up the same behavior and added her label about my body. Years later, I finally put my foot down with both of them. The labeling stopped.
Some examples of name-calling and labeling are:
"You're so clumsy"
"You're so stupid"
"You'll never amount to anything"
"You're lazy/fat/..."
"You are unconscious"
"You are greedy"
"You are too ------"
"You are just like your father" (guilty on this one)
Another way people try to label others in a less direct way is when they say things like "'Well, I live in reality" implying you don't. Be wary of such comments and call the person out. Often people of not aware of how they are coming across to others and we are all just as guilty.
Most people have their own set of insecurities and when we lash out at others using unkind labels and name-calling, we enforce these insecurities and contribute to the other person's low self-esteem. When people label or name-call, it is really out of their OWN insecurities. For some reason, they feel threatened and lash out instead.
A better approach is to hold our tongue or walk away from the situation if we feel we can't control ourselves. Hurtful words do much damage and the emotional scars take a long time to heal. The other person may never say anything to you but if you notice an emotional distancing you know they have been hurt.
3. Judging
Judging means forming an opinion about someone assigning "right" or "wrong" to their behavior. Most of the time, there is no right or wrong, it is simply a matter of a difference of opinion or perspective. Everyone sees situations through their own lens and worldview. Right or wrong implies a moral judgement and who are we to morally judge another?
We never know what is going on with someone inside and we often do not know what they have been through in the past. Only God knows a person's heart and what hurt they are carrying. Although it is hard not to judge when someone hurts us or acts badly, we are not to return evil for evil. God is the final judge. Click here to read "10 Reasons to Stop Judging People".
4. Betraying Trust
As we all know, Trust is HUGE in any relationship. Betraying a trust can cause immediate disconnect and possibly loss of the relationship for good if not addressed in a timely and correct manner.
Personal Story
4. Betraying Trust
As we all know, Trust is HUGE in any relationship. Betraying a trust can cause immediate disconnect and possibly loss of the relationship for good if not addressed in a timely and correct manner.
Personal Story
I had - notice the word "had" - a long time friend at work. We vacationed together. We celebrated each other's birthdays every year. We shared personal problems.
Until one day, I found out she had shared something very personal with her entire family. I felt so hurt and betrayed. She had promised she would keep it to herself. When I confronted her about it, she got mad and defensive. This was right before Christmas and I had a gift for her and we had planned a luncheon, and she cancelled our get-together. I have long since forgiven her, and have made several attempts to reconnect suggesting there need to be some changes to our relationship. She is apparently not interested in changing her behavior or acknowledging the damage she caused.
Bottom line, if someone asks you to keep a secret, please do so, if you value the relationship. Also, do not share your conversations with others including family members. Consider each conversation private. And if perhaps you do leak a confidence, or in some other way, betray a trust, have the maturity to apologize sincerely and make amends. You will be glad you did.
These are a few of the ways we can cause disconnection from friends and loved ones. We may not even realize what we are doing or we may not intend to hurt the other person but that is what happens. I hope this post has brought some awareness to the problems we may, in fact, be causing ourselves.
Bottom line, if someone asks you to keep a secret, please do so, if you value the relationship. Also, do not share your conversations with others including family members. Consider each conversation private. And if perhaps you do leak a confidence, or in some other way, betray a trust, have the maturity to apologize sincerely and make amends. You will be glad you did.
These are a few of the ways we can cause disconnection from friends and loved ones. We may not even realize what we are doing or we may not intend to hurt the other person but that is what happens. I hope this post has brought some awareness to the problems we may, in fact, be causing ourselves.
For Reflection:
Is there anyone in your life with whom you feel disconnected? Can you identify the cause of the disconnect? What steps can you take to restore the relationship?
If you enjoyed this post and found it helpful, consider joining our community. Simply enter your email address in the box provided to receive my weekly posts on faith & spirituality, health & healing, relationships, and spiritual growth. In addition, you will receive a copy of my free, newly updated ebook entitled "7 Steps to Finding Your Spiritual Path".
Stay tuned for more on how you can achieve healing, wholeness, and harmony and discover your destiny!
Until next time, keep looking up!
Ariel Paz
If you enjoyed this post and found it helpful, consider joining our community. Simply enter your email address in the box provided to receive my weekly posts on faith & spirituality, health & healing, relationships, and spiritual growth. In addition, you will receive a copy of my free, newly updated ebook entitled "7 Steps to Finding Your Spiritual Path".
Stay tuned for more on how you can achieve healing, wholeness, and harmony and discover your destiny!
Until next time, keep looking up!
Ariel Paz
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