How to Surrender to God

We've all heard the expression "Let go and let God", right? I assumed everyone understood what this means until I posted this photo on Facebook and a friend came back with the question "How do you do that?"

Another word for letting go is to surrender. Detach. Give people space. It is a crucial skill to learn if we want to have peace in our lives and in our relationships. Let's jump in. 

1. First step is to realize that letting go is an ongoing process.
We learn to let go. It doesn't come naturally. We develop the ability to let go gradually as we experience loss, grief, and pain in our lives such as when a loved one dies or leaves home, a beloved pet dies, or when a relationship ends. Letting go is an ongoing process because life is constantly in a state of change.

2.  Another term related to letting go is "detachment" which means separating ourselves from another person. 
In recovery terms, detachment means emotionally disconnecting from the abusive, destructive or unhealthy behavior of another person for our own well-being. We think we are being caring, but really, we are being codependent. 

Detaching does not mean we stop loving or caring about the other person but we no longer allow their behaviors to steal our peace and joy. We don't get into it with them. We stop trying to change them or get them to change. It's not our monkey. 

Some extreme examples would be living with an alcoholic, an addict, a gambler, or an angry person. Sometimes, we have to detach from family and friends who, for whatever reason, are unable to participate fully in a healthy relationship. It takes two healthy people to make any relationship work.

When we detach, we find more time and energy to love and take care of  ourselves and we allow the other person the time and space to deal with their own issues. It is truly the loving thing to do for both parties. 

3. Letting go has to do with responsibility. 

Sometimes we take on responsibility for problems we do not own. For example, a parent taking financial responsibility for an adult child. A mother not allowing her children to suffer the consequences of their actions. A spouse covering for a partner's addiction such as overspending, drinking, gambling, getting into fights, etc. Codependency causes people to take on others' consequences to the detriment of their own physical and financial well-being. 

4. Letting go is the opposite of controlling. 

People who are overly responsible are often codependent and usually have control issues. Codependents think they are taking care of others, but in reality, it is a form of control based on fear. Most people have control issues to some degree, but fearful people are on the extreme end of the spectrum. If someone you know is controlling, one question to ask them is: "What are you afraid of here?" This will help bring to light the irrational fear they may be struggling with.

No one wants to be controlled.  We are responsible for managing our own lives, but not the lives of those around us. Often, our "caring" efforts are seen as controlling. This is when relationships deteriorate. When we let go of control, we allow the other person the freedom and the dignity to make their own choices and experience the results of those choices.

5. Letting go applies to every area of our lives.
Many people hold on to stuff for years and years for emotional reasons. I once dated a guy who had an entire office filled with old newspapers he'd never read. His garage was packed with stuff his kids used when they were little. These people have a hard time "letting go" of stuff. They've even made a TV show out of this behavior called "Hoarders". If you have a hard time parting with material things, your house is cluttered, and your garage is overflowing, you may want to examine your reasons for holding on to all of that. Does it make you feel loved? Secure? Are you holding on to the past? Think of cleaning house as an opportunity to practice letting go and open yourself up to NEW ADVENTURES!

6.  Surrender to God's will.
When we learn to let go in our lives, we are basically saying "Thy will be done" or "Que sera sera". We no longer insist on our agendas, our plans, and our timeframes. We are more flexible and resilient when the unexpected happens. We feel more peace and tranquility because we have let go of the need to control the outcome of events. We really can't control very much in life. We can't control the stock market, our relatives, our kids, or what happens in the world so we might as well accept life as it is and enjoy it the best we can. Here is the Serenity Prayer in its entirety:

The Serenity Prayer

 God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference. Living one day at a time, enjoying one moment at a time; accepting hardship as a pathway to peace; taking, as Jesus did, this sinful world as it is, not as I would have it; trusting that You will make all things right

if I surrender to Your will; so that I may be reasonably happy in this life and supremely happy with You forever in the next. Amen. 

Reinhold Niebuhr

Personal Story

So yesterday, I was all dressed and ready to go hear an outdoor concert about 20 minutes from me. I checked my tires and they were on the low side so decided to try and fill them myself. Well. After 3 gas stations and 2 broken air machines, one of my tires had no air in it. The "Check tire pressure" warning came up.

Immediately, I said a prayer to make it back to another gas station and thankfully, their machine was working. Sort of. I was able to inflate the tire. This was in 97 degree heat, mind you. An hour had gone by. My white capris were filthy and I was a sweaty disgusted mess. I paused to think and pray. Then I did what I'm telling you to do. I let my plans go. Things happen. I drove home and headed straight for the pool. Immediately all the stress washed away and my joy returned. Folks, when things seem to work against you for whatever reason, choose whatever will bring you peace in the moment. 

7. Evaluate my priorities.
There are only 24 hours in every day and we only have so many days to live. How will I choose to live them and with whom? I reexamine my priorities several times a year. I make a conscious choice on where, how, and with whom I want to spend my time.

I have learned that in order to add something or someone new to my life, I must let go of something or someone else or I will be out of balance. When we let go of an unhealthy relationship, we are open to receive a healthier one in its place. First, we will get a test to see if we will go back to our old patterns of accepting unhealthy behavior. After we pass that test, God will bring us healthier friends. 

When we let go of anxiety and worry, we make room for peace and joy. When we let go of activity, we make room for relaxation and self-care. It's all a matter of evaluating what is important to us in the here and now.

8. Choosing Peace over Control 
If we want to have more peace and joy and less stress in our lives, learning to let go is one of life's most important lessons.  I have a post- it note on which is written a quote from Oprah Winfrey that says: "All stress comes from resisting what is". I think she is right on. 

Some of us, including me as an oldest child in a dysfunctional family, have become too responsible for others. And yes, it is still a problem. When the adults in a family don't assume their rightful responsibilities, then the children are left to do so, sadly. A sign we are too controlling is when we start to experience push-back from other people. This is the time to step back and give the relationship space and distance. 

Personal Story - Dealing with elderly relatives 

So my 95 year old mother was in a sad state. She couldn't walk. She fractured her back earlier last year, and we had to move her to assisted living. I had to take over handling all of her stuff - her phone, her drs appts, her physical therapist, her medications, her finances, her bills. You may be dealing with a similar situation. It's tough on everyone. 

Well, I thought I was helping her by taking on these responsibilities, but what I came to realize is she became angry or resentful at me for doing so. Sadly. Who else was going to care for her? 

Then it dawned on me. She is angry at herself and projecting it onto me. So I have decided to do what I am telling you to do - take a step back. Let her call me. Stop being so responsible for all her stuff. She still has a decent mind and can and should speak up for herself. It was a tough lesson to learn but when people are ungrateful for your help, maybe they don't really want it. Let me say that again.

To Learn More on Letting Go

If you want more information on letting go, get your copy of my new book "Ignite the Power Within: 10 Steps to Supercharge Your Spiritual Growth", In it, I explain in detail the how, when, and what of letting go and the various areas of our lives that we get to practice this in. It is life changing for sure. 

For Reflection
So what have you let go of that made a difference in your life? What do you need to let go of today that could bring you more peace? Leave a comment or post in your journal. 

If you enjoyed this post, join our blog community. Enter your email address in the box provided & you'll receive my weekly posts and also a copy of my free e-guide entitled "7 Steps to Finding Your Spiritual Path" to get you started on your exciting spiritual journey. I am taking the month of August off from blogging to work on other pursuits so enjoy your summer and meet me back here in September. 

Stay tuned for more on having more peace in our relationships and our lives. 

Until next time, keep looking up!

Ariel Paz

How to Let Go of Being Offended

Everybody is offended these days, it seems. From political differences, to gender references, to racism, you name it. The lack of respect for others in our society has caused a tremendous increase in offense. But does getting offended really help the situation? Any situation? I think not, so today in our ongoing quest to have more peaceful lives, we're talking about handling offense. 

Personal Story

So my youngest son, now aged 40, was over for dinner last week. As I was cleaning up and putting away the food, I asked him if he would help dry the dishes. He said no. I got offended and off it went. He thought he was the guest and already did his part by wiping down the dinner table. I said we are a family and family pitches in to help. Was it a big deal? No, but did it steal the joy from the get together? Yes. I truly am grateful that he is back home from living out of state for 12 years, so why should I expect him to help? I can see both sides - now. 

Don't Take the Bait

First, we need to understand our triggers. For me, it's respect. Or the lack thereof. For others, it can be comments about differing political opinions, comments about one's looks, weight, hair, skin color. We get offended for a variety of reasons usually something we value greatly. But - again - it is worth it to get upset about it? I think the answer is no. People will be people and everyone has their own perspective which we cannot change. As they say in recovery groups, "Live and let live." We can only control ourselves and that is hard enough. 

Surrender to God

Now you may think it's impossible to not react, but it is not. This is where the power of the Holy Spirit comes to our aid. In the natural, our flesh wants us to react, to stand up for ourselves, our rights, and our opinions. But we are called to walk in the Spirit, not in the flesh (ego), right? The Word says "Vengeance is mine sayeth the Lord," (Romans 12:19) and Deut 32:35. 

God sees everything we say and do. If we are wronged by a family member or friend, God sees it. Now I am not saying ignore mistreatment, this is where boundaries come in. What I am saying is that God doesn't want us to get into conflicts with others. "As best you can, live in peace with one another," (Romans 12:18). We cannot control what others say or do, but we can control what we allow and how we respond. 

It Boils Down to Respect

In the end, it all boils down to respect - for one another, for ourselves and for God. We do ourselves no good when we get upset over the "small stuff" and as authors Bruce and Stan say in their books - "It's All Small Stuff." 

Folks, life is precious. Next time you are tempted to react, try and catch yourself. Take a deep breath and say "It's all small stuff." That's what I am going to try. 

For Reflection

What tends to trigger you to get upset? A family member? A coworker? Your boss? How can you practice letting go of being offended at this person? Do write and let us know so we can all be encouraged. 

If this article was helpful and you'd like to join our community and receive my weekly newsletter full of encouragement and often some tasty recipes, enter your email address in the box provided. As a thank you, I'll send you my free e-guide entitled "7 Steps to Finding Your Spiritual Path". 

For more tips and info on a wide-variety of topics, pop on over to Pinterest to check out my collection on health and wellness, fashion, recipes, exercise and diet, and so much more. https://www.pinterest.com/arielpaz/pins/

Stay tuned for more positive and practical wisdom to help you ignite the power within and discover YOUR destiny! 

Until next time, keep smiling and keep looking up!

Ariel Paz 

Come follow me.

@ArielPaz - Facebook

@Ariel Paz - Twitter

@Ariel Paz - Instagram 

@Ariel Paz - Pinterest

Life is the School, Love is the Lesson

Funny how a bumper sticker can capture a whole philosophy in one simple phrase. Saw this one on the car in front of me at the gas station and it made me pause to reflect on it.

"That is exactly true", I thought to myself while pumping gas.

I have always believed life is a school of sorts. We are here to learn and to grow spiritually and emotionally. Here are some of my quips:

"If life is a school, why are some people stuck in kindergarten?",

"Repeat after me, this is a test, this is only a test" and 

"If life is a school, why does it take me so long to learn the lesson?" 

And then there are those who don't learn their lessons and will have to give it another go-round, if you get my drift.

Who are You Loving
This bumper sticker was a powerful reminder to me of where my focus ought to be. Life is all about learning to love ourselves, others, and God in a balanced and healthy way. It seems strange to me that some Christians don't believe you should love yourself. What? Remember the second greatest commandment "Love your neighbor as yourself." A pastor friend recently told me on Facebook that the concept of loving ourselves is from our "modern culture." Again, what? I'd "love" to hear your thoughts on this one. 

Balance is Key 

It takes practice and awareness. Most of us tip towards one direction or another and it's only when problems arise, we realize we have been out of balance in our love walk. For example, take the workaholic who neglects his/her family and ends up dealing with an affair, a divorce, or a rebellious teen. The scales were tipped too heavily on the work facet of life, right? Or the mother who idolizes her kids but neglects her own well being. Who is she not loving?

Don't Play the Blame Game 
So what to do? When problems arise, don't just push through them or ignore them. Problems in life are a sign that something needs to be addressed. We must take responsibility for our lives and not continually blame our parents, our boss, or other people. That's what Adam and Eve did way back when. It wasn't the answer then and it isn't the answer now.

The answer is to realize what part I have played in the dramas in my life. Ask myself these questions:  "How loving have I been - to others, to myself and ultimately, to God?" "Did I do the honorable thing?" Most of the time the honorable thing is the most difficult thing to do. But that's where courage and integrity come in. Am I living according to my highest values or am I succumbing to the pressures of others, society, my past hurts and wounds? It takes self-reflection and courage to heal our wounds. 

Call it Karma 
If we want to move forward in life, we must take responsibility for our actions. It is true, we reap what we sow. Call it karma if you like, but you get the idea. Whenever we fail to do the loving thing towards ourselves or others, it will always come back to bite us. We will get back what we put out. Learning to love is a lifelong practice and the good news is we get plenty of opportunities.

For Reflection
What relationship needs some tending? Who can you be more loving towards today? Your spouse? Your parents? Yourself? Love to hear your thoughts on this post so drop me a note via email or leave a comment on the blog or on Facebook. 

Thanks for reading. If you enjoyed this post and would like to join our community, please enter your email in the box provided. When you do, I'll send you a copy of my free e-guide entitled "How to Develop a Spiritual Practice".  

Stay tuned for more positive and practical wisdom and until next time, keep looking up!

Ariel Paz

All rights reserved. If you wish to use this material contact me at arielpaz08@gmail.com

How to Set Better Boundaries

What stresses you out? I don't know about you, but certain people stress me out. And most of them are family members. Sadly. I find myself ruminating on how I could have/should have handled situations differently during the day. The answer is always "set better boundaries" and that is the topic I'm sharing on today. 

Boundaries are HUGE in regards to limiting the stress in our lives. Just because someone is a family member, doesn't mean we always have to say "yes" to them or agree with them. It doesn't mean we have to ALLOW - say ALLOW - poor behavior. We can have our OWN opinions even if they disagree with us or tell us otherwise. And we deserve to be treated with RESPECT AND KINDNESS. 

Since one of the goals of this blog is to help us to find more harmony in our lives, it is important to realize that stress also comes from taking too much c--- from other people. Pardon my french. Today we'll be talking about how to reduce the stress caused by other people by setting firmer boundaries. 

If we want  more peace in our lives, we MUST learn:
 a) to minimize or eliminate the stressors from our lives 
 b) how to deal with people a healthier way and
 c) set firmer boundaries sooner

I bet you'll agree a lot of stress comes from other people - usually those who are related to us or are emotionally connected such as a spouse, a boyfriend, a son or daughter, a close friend.

Are You Too Nice?

It doesn't matter who in your life is causing you stress.  For years, I have allowed too much c--p from boyfriends, relatives, ex-husband, and close friends and it has been very unhealthy for me. Poor boundaries are usually at the crux of the problem. This was a tough lesson for me to learn and I keep getting  refresher courses. 

Perhaps like me you've been told "You're too nice". Nice people get hurt - a lot. Until we get to the breaking point and declare "Enough is enough." So what to do about people who cause you stress? Here are 8 tips to put into practice starting today.

1. Tell the other person how you feel. 
Yes, it takes vulnerability to express our hurts, but it also is a sign of self-respect and shows a willingess to want to improve the relationship if it is to move forward. People are not mind-readers. Many times the other person is oblivious to how their behavior is impacting us so it is up to us to make them aware.
 
The difficulty here is that some people are not emotionally mature enough to hear you. Don't be surprised if they get defensive, raise their voice, or get angry.

Personal Story 

Several years ago, I confronted a long time friend who had divulged a confidence to her entire family and who knows who else. When I asked her about it, she got very defensive and retorted "Well then, just don't tell me anything anymore!"

What kind of friendship is that? A friendship is built on trust.  She did not take ownership. She did not apologize. People who react this way are not emotionally mature enough to handle direct confrontation. Or they may also be too insecure or prideful to face up to their actions. Don't let this be you. Fess up when you screw up and make amends. It can help you restore a broken relationship. 

If someone really and truly cares about you, they will care about your feelings. They will apologize and take ownership of their behavior. They will offer to make amends and attempt to change going forward. This is what you want if a relationship is to grow. 

2. Refuse to allow bad treatment. 
This might seem obvious, but I am guilty of allowing mistreatment because I valued the relationship more - apparently - than I valued my own well-being and mental and emotional health. I made excuses such as "Well, he's my son" or "He's my husband". Forget it. 

No person has the right to mistreat another either emotionally, physically, or verbally and this includes name-calling, labeling, raising their voice, blaming, and judging. These are all toxic behavior patters that should not be tolerated. It is time to put your foot down and stop allowing them to get away with disrespectful behavior.

This is where boundaries come in. Instead of making excuses for the other person, we need to GET REALLY CLEAR on what we will and will not allow and make that clear to the other party. For example, I told my mom that she needs to calm herself down before she calls me for help. Emotions are contagious. I cannot have her anxiety streaming over to me. To her credit, she learned how to calm herself down most of the time. 

3. Do not tolerate psychological torment and manipulation. 
Since he was a teenager, my oldest son has disconnected from me for months and years at a time. This has been a pattern. Meanwhile, I was an emotional wreck wondering when or if I would hear from him again. This is a form of manipulation and control. When he finally reconnects and I ask him why he disconnected, he never has an answer. Disconnecting for long periods of time is mental manipulation. The Bible says "Do not let the sun go down on your anger," which means deal with issues sooner rather than later. Don't put off confronting but some people are weak and afraid. If someone disconnects from you and you try to make amends but they are not interested, it is in your best interest to LET THEM GO - no matter who it is. Why lose your peace over something you cannot control? 

Do not allow yourself to be imprisoned by another person's immaturity. If people don't want to be in relationship with you - no matter who they are - you don't need them in your life. Period. Let God take care of them while you take care of you. 

4. Clearly communicate the change you want to see or the need you want met. 
This is a very key component to moving forward in a healthier way. Apologies are a nice first step but you cannot have reconciliation without behavior change. Be very clear about what you need from the other person. Some examples are:
"I need you to keep your voice down when you talk to me."
"I need you to be on time when we are going somewhere."
"I need you to not drink so much when we go out."

"I need you to control your temper."

"I need you to be kind to me."

"I need you to stop blaming me for...".

A handy tool to communicate your needs is an "I feel" statement. "I feel threatened and unsafe when you raise your voice to me." Never start a sentence with "You...". This will immediately put the other person on the defensive. Make it about YOUR needs and feelings.

5. Expect the other person to put equal effort into the relationship going forward. 
 Often codependent people put all the work into relationships. We feel it is our responsibility to make a relationship work when in reality, it takes two to make any relationship work. If you feel you are constantly the one to reach out, connect, or try to clear the air, there is something out of balance.

Relationships are a two-way street. The Bible says "Love your neighbor AS YOURSELF." In other words, love YOURSELF first and then love others. Somehow as a codependent, I missed the part about loving myself. 

When we pull back, we allow the other person to step up to the plate. I remember telling my mother this years ago. Her answer was "I didn't know I had to put effort into our relationship." Wow. 

6. Learn to set healthier boundaries.

If we are continually hurt or taken advantage of, half of the responsibility lies with us. People will continue to act out, until we refuse to allow it. We need to know and respect our own limits - what we will and will not tolerate and what makes us feel stressed or pressured. This is where the word "No" is powerful.  Here's a recent personal story to illustrate.

Personal Story 
On a visit with family who live out-of-state, I had the "opportunity" to hear "No" quite a bit. My then 80-something mother refused to let me drive her car. As anyone who has driven with an elderly person knows, their reactions are not quite as timely as they need to be. With all the sudden braking and accelerating, I wound up getting motion sick several times till I finally refused to go anywhere with her unless I drove.  I had to say "No" to her "No". This is called "setting healthy boundaries": say no to any behavior that is hurtful or harmful. To her, driving was a control issue. To me it was a safety and health issue.

7. Put distance between yourself and the other person. 
 If the other person cannot or will not accept your boundaries, then it may be time to give each other some space. This means emotional and physical distance. Give them space and give yourself a breather.

You don't have to be the one putting all the effort into the relationship. Ask yourself how you feel after you've interacted with this person. If you feel stressed, anxious, or depleted this is a sign something needs to change.

By giving each other space, I do not mean months or years. I mean hours or at most, a few days to cool off, calm down, and process. This should not take weeks or months. Unaddressed issues just get worse and distorted over time if not handled in a timely manner. People forget what actually happened. They only remember what they want to remember. It's not good to let unresolved issues linger. 

8. Be willing to give up the relationship.
You've heard the old saying "If you love someone, let them go". If someone keeps repeating the same hurtful behaviors after you've asked them to change, it may be time to let them go, hard as that can be. If they care about you and the relationship they will change their behavior. It may take some time depending on how busy they are or how much energy they have to change. The key is to be strong enough not to keep going back to them unless you see a change in behavior. This goes for addicts and alcoholics but also those charmers who keep luring us back by their manipulative ways. 

Those of us who were raised in an abusive environment have learned to tolerate abuse. Any form of abuse - emotional, physical, or psychological, is UNACCEPTABLE. When we keep going back to someone or letting them manipulate or otherwise intimidate  us, we are in effect saying:
    "It's ok for you to treat me this way" when it absolutely is NOT.

We have to come to the point where we put our well-being and self-respect ABOVE any relationship. We have to learn what is abusive, manipulative, or controlling and set a boundary or leave the relationship. 

Practice makes perfect. 
Well, maybe not perfect, but we will become more aware of when we need to put our foot down. We need to retrain our automatic response from "Yes" to "No". We need to learn to become aware of our feelings of discomfort sooner rather than later. At first, we might feel guilty because we are  accustomed to allowing and making excuses for other people's behavior but the sense of peace and personal power we will feel from saying "No, this is unacceptable" feels so much better.

The verse from scripture that addresses this issue is Matthew 18:18 which says this: "Whatever you bind(forbid) on earth shall be bound in heaven and whatever you loose (allow) on earth, shall be loosed in heaven."  In other words, if we want more peace here on earth, we have to forbid the things that cause us to lose it which includes some people and their behavior.

For Reflection

Who in your life causes you stress? What are their typical tactics? What boundaries can you set with them to protect your peace? What is holding you back from setting better boundaries? 

If you want more peace and less stress in your relationships, I encourage you to implement these tips. You will be amazed at how empowered and peaceful you will feel and you will begin the process of taking back your life.

If you want to learn more about taking back your life, order a copy of my book, "Take Back Your Life: 5 Keys to Reclaiming Your Personal Power" available at your favorite online bookseller or thru me at a discount. Simply use Zelle to email me (arielpaz08@gmail.com)  $3.99 and learn how to get your power back. 

If you enjoyed this post and would like to join our community, enter your email address in the box provided. In addition to my weekly posts, you'll also receive a copy of my free e-guide entitled "How to Develop a Spiritual Practice". It's a short read that will help you start a daily practice to look inward and upward. 

For more on these and other topics of interest such as cooking, health and wellness,  decluttering, and a whole lot more, follow me on Pinterest.  

Stay tuned for more insights to help you find healing, wholeness, and harmony and enjoy the life you deserve!

Until next time, keep looking up!

Ariel Paz

Follow me @ArielPaz on:

Twitter

Pinterest

Facebook

Instagram 

LinkedIn 

4 Things You Can Do to Be Emotionally Free

The Fourth of July is already upon us. For many, it is an extra day off from work, a time to grill burgers and get together with friends, and a time to watch fireworks light up the sky. Most of all, it is a time to celebrate our freedom here in this country. 

It was on July 4, 1776 that our founding fathers gathered to sign the declaration of  independence to free themselves and many others from British rule. We owe them a great debt of gratitude for the price they paid to loose themselves from bondage under England and to establish this great nation. We also owe a great debt to those who continue to give their lives in service so that we may maintain our freedoms.

We in America are free from the oppression that faced our founding fathers, but many today are in bondage of another kind -  emotional bondage. Emotional bondage happens when we have not let go of past hurts, bitterness, or resentments. We dwell in the past - what someone said or did to us, a traumatic experience, a divorce, a breakup, a financial failure. These things happen to all of us. They are part of the human experience. The key is to learn from these situations and then heal, move on and move forward.

But many don't. They stay stuck in the same emotional muck. What's worse is they keep recounting the injury, the hurt, the incident - day after day, year after year. Is there someone in your life like this?

When we stubbornly refuse to let go of hurts, we stay stuck. We lose our peace and our joy and we lose the beauty of the present moment. Negative emotions also affect us physically: digestive issues, headaches, back pain. Many physical symptoms are tied to some negative emotional root. Thankfully, it is never too late to let go and be set free.

As someone who has healed and is still healing from much trauma, I have found  4 things we can do to have more joy, less drama, and experience more emotional freedom:

1. Choose carefully. 
We in this country have freedom of choice. We can choose who and what we allow into our lives. We can choose to learn better patterns of relating to others. We can choose what thoughts we dwell on. We can choose thoughts of faith and positivity, rather than thoughts of fear, worry and negativity. Emotional freedom begins first and foremost in our mind.

2. Pay attention. 
Contrary to how I was raised, it is very important to pay attention to our feelings. Now, I am not saying we should let our feelings control us but we do have to be aware of them and figure out what they are trying to tell us. They are internal indicators of what is going on with us. Am I feeling depressed? Anxious? Sad? Hurt? Rejected? Lonely? Angry? All of these are warning signs that something is not right. Ask yourself what is going on in your life that is making you feel that way and then ...

3. Take action.
The founding fathers had a cause they believed in and were committed to. They took action. In the same way, if we are committed to a freer life, we must take action: to heal ourselves emotionally and spiritually if we want to achieve our goals and dreams, enjoy better relationships, and live a freer life. Change doesn't just happen. We have to make it a priority if we want to enjoy a better life. When we do what we can, God will step in and do what we can't. So what can we do?

4. Set  boundaries. 
Just as the early settlers said "No" to England's oppressive rules and taxation, we, too, must say no to people and behaviors that are not good for us which includes saying "No" to people we love and care about. To be emotionally free means to separate from the drama and turmoil that emotionally immature people bring with them such as verbal assaults, constant chatter, guilt and blame trips and manipulative and controlling behaviors. Once we learn to recognize these behaviors for what they are, we can call attention to them and set limits with these people. The energy we expend dealing with negative people can be better used to focus on our goals and dreams.

We must also set limits on the demands on our time and energy. The world is always clamoring "do more, have more, buy more". This is lunacy. We really don't need to do as much as we think we have to do or have as much as we think we need to have. Repeat after me "I am enough, I do enough." We get caught on the rat wheel of life and it is perpetual. We can only go so long before we will wear out. Pace yourself. 

You will survive without the latest iPhone or high def television. These are not necessities. They are luxuries. There is a blessing from living a simpler, slower, less complicated life and that is emotional and mental peace. There is a high cost to pay and the choice is ours. 

We don't need to feel guilty about setting boundaries either. Saying "no" is a form of self-care which is crucial to living an emotionally free and peaceful life. Taking care of yourself physically, mentally, and emotionally is a responsibility you have to yourself. Don't let anyone guilt you into not doing it. If we don't take good care of ourselves, we won't be in any position to help or care for others. For more on boundary setting, check out this article. 

If we want to live free, we must choose peace and freedom every day over being controlled or manipulated by someone. I escaped from a controlling and abusive marriage long ago, but the lesson remains. God keeps giving me retests with the various toxic people in my life.

As it says in Galatians 5:1 "Stand fast therefore in the freedom of Christ, and do not be entangled again in the yoke of bondage." Did you get that? Entangled. If we are not paying attention to who and what we allow into our lives, we will be entangled again. Pay attention to your feelings and deal with toxic people promptly. I no longer make excuses for my loved ones behavior nor do I take their behavior personally. I have realized it is about them, not me. Learn to recognize oppressive behaviors quickly and take action promptly. 

For Reflection
Do you get entangled in situations or conversations that steal your freedom, peace, and joy?  Do you allow yourself to get sucked in to drama? What actions can you take to be more free? Who do you need to say "no" to in order to have more freedom and peace of mind?

Love to hear your feedback on this post. If you'd like to join our community and receive my weekly posts as well as your copy of my free e-guide entitled "7 Steps to Finding Your Spiritual Path" simply enter your email address in the box provided and I'll send it right out to you. 

Happy birthday, America, and may God bless us always! 

Stay tuned for more practical and spiritual tips on how to ignite the power within and discover YOUR destiny!

Until next time, keep looking up!

Ariel Paz

How to Process Stress Without Losing Your Cool

So how have you been holding up all the world events? The wars? Inflation? The elections? Your relationships? If you've been feeling edgy, anxious, fearful, or impatient, this post is for you. And you are not alone.

The Importance of a Spiritual Path

Stress affects everyone and that is why it is so important to consciously cultivate a spiritual path. The more reactive we are to stress, the more important it is to learn, or rather unlearn, old thinking and behavior patterns. 

Everyone is on a spiritual path, whether they know it or not. What's more, everyone needs a spiritual path, not just those who have been abused, addicted, or abandoned. 

We all need healing.   

How can I say this? Because after years of thinking dysfunction happens only in "broken" or "alcoholic" homes, I've seen enough people from seemingly "normal" families have the same kinds of drama and issues. I'd scratch my head and ask "How did that happen? Her parents weren't divorced/alcoholic/addicts or whatever."

Until one day, it dawned on me - each of us is in need of healing of some sort be it from our past or something that was handed down to us generationally. This is what a spiritual path is all about - healing so we can become whole, integrated, and harmonious beings. We are, after all, body, mind, and spirit and we whether we realize it or not, we each have areas we need to heal.  Author Wayne Dyer says "there is a spiritual solution to every problem," and if we look deep enough, we will find it.

The Need for a Spiritual Path 

The problem is that many of us are not aware that we are on a spiritual journey or that we need healing, so we fail to look for spiritual solutions to processing the stress in our lives. Often, people turn from God or deny his very existence. They shy away from any kind of spiritual path because they are hurting from something or afraid of something. Or it could just be their ego not wanting to admit they need to grow in some area. We look to medications, drinking, food, fun, activities, work, and relationships to console them but sooner or later we realize, we must go deeper. The answer lies not in distraction, but in introspection. 

We are thirsty for peace. 

Jesus knew this when he said "I will give you  living water and you will never thirst again." (John 4:13). The organized church has let many down, including yours truly. Hence, the popularity of such alternative ways to healing and peace. Groups such as Alcoholics Anonymous, meditation groups, and yoga classes are thriving these days. Participants realize there is a spiritual struggle going on underneath the covers of the suffering they are experiencing. 

Personal Story 

We are a three part entity: body, mind, and spirit. An injury to any one part affects the other parts. The Chinese have known this for centuries. 

Traditional Chinese Medicine (TCM) has long correlated physical ailments with emotions. For example, a few years ago, I went to an acupuncturist for treatment of an asthma condition I suddenly developed. I had never had asthma in my life and I wondered what was going on.

"Asthma affects the lungs and the lungs store grief," the specialist explained.
"Have you experienced any grief lately?"
"Grief!" I exclaimed, suddenly bursting into tears.
"Yes, I have experienced grief in several very close relationships all in the same year."

The light bulb went on. My body was reacting to the emotional pain I had experienced. Once I gained awareness of all the grief I was experiencing, I was able to process it and the asthma symptoms completely went away. When we bring light to the darkness of the pain in our spirits, we can process the wounds and the emotions, which then allow us to heal at the physical level as well. So how does one know if one is in need of some kind of healing?

Signs of Needing Healing:

1) Physical symptoms and pain
Diseases such as fibromyalgia, arthritis, high blood pressure, IBS, migraine, depression, addictions, and back pain may all have emotional and spiritual roots.

2) Incessant chatter 
Are your conversations self-absorbed monologues (all about you)? Do you focus on the negative circumstances in life more than the positives?

3) Fear of the future
Does anxiety about what may happen steal your peace and joy? Do you feel a need to keep up with every negative news story, gossip, or Hollywood drama? Do you make decisons out of fear?

4) Overdependence on entertainment and other people
Do you always have to be around people? Are you uncomfortable being by yourself? Do you dread being alone? Are you always planning the next activity or event? There is nothing wrong with entertainment but when it becomes a major focal point that indicates a problem. 

5) Preoccupation with any one area of life 
Are you a workaholic? Exercise fanatic? Overly involved with your kids? Is there any area others would say you put too much time into?

6) Inability to overcome addictions 
Some addictions are overeating, alcohol, drugs, gambling, porn, and codependency. In fact, anything done to excess may be an addiction, a way to cover up emotional pain. 

For Reflection:

Did any of these hit home? What do you think is at the root of the issue? If you are not in a spiritual growth group, consider joining one that fits your comfort level.  

My goal is to do my part to help the world heal one person at a time so we can all conquer stress, live in harmony, and pursue our destinies! 

If this post was helpful, consider joining our community by entering your email address in the box provided. In addition to receiving my weekly posts, I am offering my free eguide entitled "7 Steps to Finding Your Spiritual Path". I'm not talking about religion here, so please don't confuse the two. Spirituality is very different from "organized religion" although we may find our path in church for a time and that is quite alright. When you enter your email in the box provided, I'll get it right out to you. 

Also, do pop over and check out my many Pinterest boards on a wide variety of topics you are sure to find of interest. https://www.pinterest.com/arielpaz/pins/

Stay tuned for more positive and practical wisdom on how you, too, can find healing, wholeness, and harmony so you can ignite the power within and discover YOUR destiny!

Until next time, keep looking up!

Ariel Paz

What Will You Do to Help Others Be Free?

This weekend we in the United States are celebrating Memorial Day. Many will be consumed with having parties, cookouts, going to the beach, or just enjoying an extra day off work. May everyone be safe and enjoy, but amidst all the festivities, let us not forget the price that was paid for our freedoms. This holiday weekend I'd like to share 3 thoughts on the meaning and importance of this day.

1. Freedom is not free.
There is a price to pay. Thousands of American men and women have given their time and their lives as a sacrifice to preserve the precious gift we here in the United States enjoy and often take for granted.

2. Be grateful for your freedoms 
When I stop to think of the ways I am free, it is overwhelming. I am free to dress as I choose, to worship where and how I choose, to speak my opinion and thoughts through this blog, to travel and to vote, to name a few. I am especially grateful as a woman when I see how women in third world countries are treated or rather, mistreated. Many still wear hoods and cover their heads and cannot worship in the same place as the men. Others have to walk miles to get water to feed and care for their families.

3. Help others be free 
So many people are in bondage to all sorts of things: poverty, drugs and alcohol, work, food, illness, negativity, materialism, image, hurts from the past,. The list goes on and on. We can all reach out to encourage someone, give to someone in need, lend a helping hand.

Will you speak out for those who cannot speak for themselves? Will you stand up for liberty and justice for all? Will you give of your money or your time to help free those in captivity of poverty, illness, or distress of any sort?

As we celebrate Memorial Day this weekend, let us pause to reflect and give thanks for our many blessings in this country and also commit to taking action to helping others be free as well. My prayer is that this post has spurred you to action as well as celebration.

Have a wonderful holiday and

Until next time, keep looking up!

Ariel Paz

How to Have More Peace & Less Drama: Part 1

Is your life full of drama? One crisis after another? Constantly on the run? Perhaps you've become accustomed to this type of existence. Let me assure you - this is not the way God intended for us to live. If you want more peace and harmony and less drama and chaos in your life, then read on.

One of the first things to realize is that we are allowing this behavior in our lives.  Speaking from personal experience, it is because that is what we grew up with; it feels natural to us. Stress, drama, anxiety and turmoil are not natural.

I had an alcoholic father who could never hold a job. My mother was a worry-wort codependent. My parents argued constantly and there was constant strife, turmoil, and discord in the home. I learned anxiety and conflict was the norm. Then I married a man who smoked and drank, who was controlling and emotionally and verbally abusive,  like my father - again anxiety and conflict. We tend to perpetuate by our choices that with which we are familiar. Perhaps you can relate.

So this past weekend, I attended a wake for a friend of a friend. I went for emotional support more than anything. I had never been to a wake so was not sure what to expect. It turned out to be a gathering of family and friends to break bread, reminisce, and console one another. All was going relatively well until the ex-wife of the deceased launched into a litany of the baggage her suddenly-deceased ex-husband had left her with. As I imagined what the coming months would hold for her, it brought back old memories of my divorce and the mess my ex had left me to contend with years ago. I had to walk away.

Who is it in your life likes to vent all their troubles and play the victim role? Who is it you are always bailing out of something?

Much of the stress, drama, and conflict that comes into our lives is a result of people not taking responsibility for themselves. I've often said "There are two types of people in this world: those who shirk responsibility and those who take on too much." Those who fall into the first category typically have addictive personalities or have a victim mentality. Those who fall into the second category are typically codependent people-pleasers. Sadly, these two personalities tend to attract each other. They become enmeshed in each others' lives. So what to do?

If you fall into the first category, it's time to take a look within. Now this may sound a bit harsh, but it's time to GROW UP! Now I am all for having fun and enjoying life, but partying and socializing till the wee hours of the morning is fine when you're in your teens and twenties. By the time you hit your thirties, it's time to balance out the equation by taking on more responsibility for your own life. As Stephen R. Covey, author of the book "7 Habits of Highly Effective People" says, it's time to put first things first and you will be so glad when you do. You will feel much more confident, self-reliant and - dare I say it - grown up.

Here are 6 steps you can take to start taking control of your own life: 

1. Get a decent job.

2. Pay your bills on time.

3. Stop depending on others to bail you out.

4. Make commitments.

5. Deal with your hurts and insecurities.

6. Ask God to help you and to heal you.

I know this sounds like some work and it is. We each must put effort into creating a life we will be happy with, and sometimes we need to hear truth as tough as it may be to swallow. If you're in the second category and take on too much responsibility, feel resentful and taken advantae of, stay tuned when I'll share the steps you can take to stop your drama as well.

If this post resonated with you, consider joining our community. Enter your email address in the box provided. Your'll receive my bi-weekly posts plus a copy of my free e-guide entitled "7 Steps to Finding Your Spiritual Path". Begin the journey to transform YOUR life and discovery YOUR destiny!

Stay tuned for more positive and practical wisdom to help you ignite the power within!

Until next time, keep looking up!

Ariel Paz

The Perils of Listening to the Wrong Voices

Ever eat that donut or piece of cake when you know you are trying to lose weight? Plop yourself in front of the boob tube when you know you should be exercising? Tell yourself you're too fat, too old, too lazy? It's easy to be tempted to buy something we don't really need or can't afford, eat something unhealthy, or give up on our dreams and goals. It all depends on which voices we listen to.

There are many voices both in the world and inside our heads that clamor for our attention; many of them are negative and self-defeating. If we're not careful, our thoughts will lead us down Alice's rabbit hole and off the path to our goals, dreams and destinies. How does this happen and what to do about it?

First, realize that negative thoughts are normal. In fact, our brains tend to focus on the negative. Scientists call this the "negative bias". This means the human brain reacts more intensely to negative stimuli. This may account for the widespread fascination with bad news and events and why we tend to place more emphasis on the negative things that happen in our lives and in our relationships. Ever pay attention to people's conversations? Listen to what is being talked about and chances are it is about something bad that happened.

Second, realize that our thinking is highly influenced by the people we are around most. Our parents have the most impact on us because we have closer ties to them, communicate more with them, and we are subtly programmed to think the way they think. If our parents were negative, anxious, or fearful, chances are so will we be. The problem is we don't realize our thinking is faulty because that is all we have ever known. If we don't take action to correct erroneous thought patterns, we will pass them on to our kids and the negative fear cycle will continue.

When we focus on the negative voices, we will get depressed, which will cause us to lose our energy and then we will give up on our goals and dreams. It is a slippery slope which often goes unnoticed and that is why it is so important to be aware of which voices we are listening to.

Recently, I realized I was comparing my current situation to a period of time in the past when I was going through a divorce. The same of feelings hovered over me like a dark cloud.
It was beginning to get me down. But then I had a revelation. Instead of saying to myself, "Gee, here we go again....why is this happening to me?" it occurred to me that there was another way to look at my current circumstances and my past. I said to myself "Look at what all God has brought you through. He is going to get you through this situation as well, so relax and take a chill pill." I felt like the dark cloud was replaced by a ray of bright sunshine.

Reframing our negative experiences in a positive light may well be one of the most important mental activities we can learn. There is always another way to view our situation. Difficult circumstances happen to all of us, but I have found that something good always comes out of my painful experiences. In my book,"The Power of Faith", I share many personal stories of trials and challenges, and how they all eventually worked out for my good. When something bad happens, I ask myself "How else can I view this situation?" and "What can I learn from this?" I want to glean whatever buried treasures may be hidden in the difficult circumstances that present themselves.

We need to step back from the immediate situation and take a look at the bigger picture. I believe we need to have God's perspective on things. Romans 8:28 says "God works all things for the good of those who love him and who have been called according to his purpose." We are all children of God and God's purpose is the same for all of us: to make us more like Him. In other words, God allows the circumstances of life to make us more loving, kind, gentle, fearless, forgiving, wise, patient, peaceful, etc.

If we want to move forward in life and see our goals and dreams become realities, it is crucial to let go of erroneous thought patterns and reframe difficult circumstances. Like anything else, practice makes perfect. The more we catch our thoughts and replace them with positive affirming ones, the more energy and joy we will feel and it will be easier to maintain our focus on achieving our goals.

If you'd like to join our community, enter your email address in the box provided. You'll receive my bi-weekly posts plus a copy of my free guide entitled "7 Steps to Finding Your Spiritual Path".

Stay tuned for more practical and positive insight so you can ignite the power within and discover YOUR DESTINY!

Until next time, keep looking up!

Ariel

The Lure of Addiction: How to Understand and Help

Do you know someone who struggles with addiction? Perhaps you do. The truth is many of us struggle with addiction to one degree or another. It could be drugs or alcohol, smoking or gambling. It could be overeating, overworking, perfectionism or overachieving. These are all forms of addictions - trying to get a need met in an unhealthy and excessive way. Today we will dive into this relevant and painful subject to understand why people get addicted and what to do about it.

We all need connection and to feel loved, valued, and appreciated, yet many do not. There are a multitude of reasons for this disconnection, such as divorce, the breakdown of the family unit, the need to succeed, and the fast pace of life, to name a few. It takes time and effort to connect to others.

Divorce has divided many families, including my own. Kids feel ignored, unloved, and guilty so they turn to substances such as drugs and alcohol to fill that ache in their hearts. Others turn to abusive relationships to fill that need.

This growing number begs the question - why are so many addicted?

Recently on an Oprah radio, I heard a short part of a dialogue between Russell Brand and Oprah. Russell Brand is a British comedian who was briefly married to the pop music star, Katy Perry. Oprah asked the question if one can ever get over an addiction like to drugs or sex and Russell made a statement that really got me to thinking. It went something like this.

"Addicts are usually very sensitive people who realize they are not connected spiritually and are looking for that feeling from the addictive substance or behavior."

Kind of puts a different spin on the whole addiction thing.  Human beings are made with an internal desire to be connected not only to other people but also to God. We are spiritual beings living in a human body but some fail to recognize this need.

Perhaps you've had an experience with an addict or an addiction, or know someone who does. They are usually very lovable, attractive, seductive, and charming personalities. They make you laugh and they make you cry. But deep down inside, like so many of us, they are hurting and they usually don't know why. So they seek solace and connection in something or someone that temporarily comforts their souls.

Addiction comes in many forms. Some choose alcohol. Others choose smoking, drugs, food, gambling, sex, work, exercise, approval. The list goes on and on. In fact, anything done to excess can be an addiction. And that includes relationships as well. Nothing, not even a relationship, is meant to be a substitute for God.

We all have a spiritual need, a void, a hunger deep down inside. God made us that way; to long for connection. We try and fill this need with so many different things, but only one person will truly fulfill that desire and He is God. Sooner or later most of us come to this realization, usually after we hit rock bottom in one or many areas of our lives. Even the wisest man on earth, King Solomon, came to this conclusion when he said:

"Meaningless! Utterly meaningless! Everything is meaningless!" (Ecclesiastes 1:2).

Have you been deeply hurt in the past and look to substances, activities, or people to fill that loneliness and cover the pain?  Today is the day to get to know God. He  wants you to be healed and whole. As I say in my book, "The Power of Faith",  "When we are ready to meet God, He is ready to meet us."

If you'd like to ignite the power within and discover your destiny, join our community by entering your email address in the box provided. You'll receive my bi-weekly emails and also a copy of my latest freebie.

Stay tuned for more practical and spiritual wisdom and

Until next time, keep looking up!

Ariel

Why You Should Say "No" to Your Adult Children

Grandparents raising their grandkids. Adult children moving back in with their parents. Parents continuing to pay for their grown children's expenses. Thirty and forty year olds still living with Mom. Any of these sound familiar? I see more and more of these situations and it pains me so much I decided to write a post on the issue.

It's normal for parents to want to help out their kids - to a point. After that point, it becomes an issue of enabling. There I said it. As a recovering codependent, it took me many years to learn this lesson. "I'm just trying to help her". "But he's in ______ (you fill in the blank) trouble/jail/rehab again." "He's my son, for heaven's sake. I can't just let him _____".
Yes, I hear you. It is tough to say no to your kids, but at some point, we are no longer helping them, we are preventing them from taking responsibility for their own choices. In reality, we are hindering them from becoming the responsible adults they are intended to be.

This is not a new problem. In fact, it's been around since ancient times. You know how people say the Bible is irrelevant and outdated? Well, let me share a story and then see what you think.

So you probably have heard of David, of David and Goliath fame, yes? You know how he slayed the giant with a slingshot and a few stones and then went on to become king of Israel after many years of being chased by sour grapes king Saul. Well, King David had several sons. One of them, Amnon, raped his half-sister, Tamar. However, the Bible and the Dead Sea scrolls record that although David was angered, he did nothing about it (2 Sam 13:21) "because he loved him as he was his first-born son." So Absalom, another of David's sons, took things into his own hands, and had Amnon murdered. Again, David did nothing. After several years of separation, David allowed Absalom to come back home. And what did Absalom do then? Plot to overthrow his father, the King, that's what. Long story short, it wasn't until David was on his death-bed that he finally had the courage to stand up to his sons and declare Solomon as his heir.

One of the lessons in this timeless story is that even the best of parents can be too lenient on their adult children. Years of dysfunction, hostility, and hatred resulted because David refused to say no to Amnon's behavior. This story is a warning to parents. We must learn to say "No" to our adult children. In other words, we must learn to put our foot down and say "Enough is enough." Mothers are especially guilty of this because we love so much and perhaps, dare I say, we may lack the courage to stand up to the men in our lives.

Here are a few lessons I have learned and for you to consider if you find yourself in a similar situation:
1) Realize our children are adults first, relatives second. Treat your adult child as you would any other non-related adult.
2) Break the habit of saying "Yes" sooner, rather than later.
3) Realize you are enabling your child, rather than helping him/her to grow up.
4) Loving your kids means teaching them responsibility, not dependency.
5) Supportive means emotionally, not financially after age 30 or maybe even sooner.

Sometimes the hardest choices we make have to do with our own family members. But remember what Jesus said when asked who were his brothers and sisters and mother. His reply was "Those who do the will of my Father." Doing the right thing is usually the hardest thing to do.

I'd like to hear your thoughts on this issue. What situation have you encountered when you have said "Yes" when you really should have said "No"? How did you feel after? What can you do differently next time?

For your free copy of my "7 Steps to Finding Your Spiritual Path" enter your email in the box and I'll get it right out to you.

With love and encouragement remember to keep the faith and keep looking up! Everything works for our good.

Ariel Paz