Ignite the Power Within: 3 Ways to Surrender More - Part 3

Are you a control freak? Do you always have to run the show? Have things your way?  Most people have control issues, some to a greater degree than others. Stress makes us more controlling. Today's post is the third in my series on letting go and control. Today we'll be talking about how to surrender so we can have more peace and serenity despite what happens in our daily lives.

The human tendency is to want to control. If you were raised in a chaotic home environment like I was, control becomes a coping mechanism to help us manage our lives. This learned behavior then spills over into other areas. We often don't realize we are controlling until someone points it out to us or we feel stressed out a lot of the time.  There are some things we can do to let go of the reins and relax more.

Here are 3 ways we can learn to surrender more:

1. Stop trying to figure everything out.

I think the smarter a person is, the more difficult time they have with this. I have a friend who some might describe as "flighty". She has no problem with control. She doesn't try to figure anything out. The problem there is she doesn't take responsibility for herself. I, on the other hand, am always trying to figure things out. I think it also comes from my being an analyst for 30+ years. I learned that way of thinking on my job. Recently,  I have had to unlearn that thinking pattern and learn how to come to grips with not knowing all the answers. It really does take the pressure off when we stop trying to figure everything out.

2. Stop fretting about people and events we can't control. 
The trick here is to realize when a situation is not in our control. A neighbor stopped over and launched into a fast-paced tirade about another neighbor's behavior. I said to her "It's not in your control. We can't change other people. Stop worrying about her and focus on yourself." Immediately, I could see her relax. When you get worked up over something, take a breath and ask yourself "Is this something I can control or not?" If the answer is no, let it go.

This also applies to our grown children. Stop using the excuse "Well, I'm a mother and mothers worry." That is an excuse. You do NOT need to worry. Trust God with your kids and let them take responsibility for their choices.

3. Let God call the shots.  
Now this one is a bit tougher, I have to admit. Many of us like to be in control. A male neighbor said to me one time "You like to call the shots". I was a bit surprised. "Well, I've been a single parent for most of my life and I'm used to making decisions.", I replied coolly. I think some men have a problem with women who can think for themselves. Sorry, guys. 

Things happen in our lives that are out of our control and life takes a dramatic twist. I think these times are opportunities to learn to trust God more. We don't always know where the road is leading, but God does. As the song by Carrie Underwood goes, "Jesus take the wheel,". It's a lesson we all need to learn at some point, hopefully sooner rather than later.

As we close on the topic of letting go, I hope this series has helped you understand more about letting go & control, how to let go, when to let go and the benefits of letting go. Here's one more article you might find helpful on the subject. 

If you enjoyed this post and would like to join our blog community, please enter your email address in the box provided. You'll receive my weekly posts on topics such as relationships, personal growth, health and wellness and spirituality. You'll also receive a copy of my free e-guide entitled "7 Steps to Finding Your Spiritual Path". 

Stay tuned for more positive and practical wisdom so you can ignite the power within and discover YOUR destiny!

Until next time,

Keep looking up!

Ariel Paz

How to Have More Peace by Learning to Let Go

You've most likely heard the phrase "Let go and let God". It's from the Recovery 12-step program. I thought everyone knew what letting go meant until one of my girlfriends asked "How do you let go?" She was serious. Her husband had died more than 10 years ago and she was still grieving. So today, I'm going to do my best to explain the concept of letting go in practical terms to help us all let go of situations, people, pets, and past experiences sooner rather than later so we can enjoy more peace and JOY in the present moment. 

The process of learning to let go is powerful and on-going and can be applied in many aspects of life. This is one spiritual lesson we keep getting to practice over and over again because it applies to so many areas of life in all seasons of life. 

What is "letting go"?
Letting go has to do with attachment. We humans tend to get attached: to the past, to people, pets, material possessions, as well as negative thought patterns and bad habits to name a few. The problem is we become too attached. We hold on too tightly and then, inevitably, we suffer: a loved one dies or moves on, a material possession is lost, broken, or damaged, or a pet runs away or dies. The passage in Isaiah 43:18-19 says this "Forget the former things, do not dwell on the past".

When we hold on to negative coping mechanisms from the past or emotions such as anger, grief, or resentment, we prevent ourselves from moving forward in life.  Faulty beliefs and patterns keep us stuck like a rat on a wheel going nowhere. It is a choice to think on things above as it says in Phil 4:8. "Think on things that are pure, true, noble, admirable, lovely, and praiseworthy." I have to admit, this is a struggle for me, too, especially when one is brought up in a critical home environment and praise was based on performance. 

When to let go
Impermanence and change are undeniable truths of our existence. Everything on earth is changing. The seasons change. The weather changes. People change. Technology changes. The body changes. Change is part of life whether we like it or not. It is all part of the circle and evolution of life. So how do we know when it is time to let go?

One way to know it is time to let go is to ask ourselves these questions "Is this bearing any fruit in my life?", "Do I have joy today?" or "Is this serving me right now?"  If the answer we get is no, it is time to put whatever it is behind us, adopt new ways of thinking and relating, and move FORWARD. 

A second sign is lingering emotional or mental pain. For example, when we hold on to a dysfunctional relationship for too long, we will eventually lose our joy and our peace and sometimes our health. Constant conflict and friction are warning  signs. I have been guilty of holding on to relationships for far too long and not setting firmer boundaries soon enough so I know what I am talking about. 

Grieving Loss 
Now it is normal and crucial to grieve the loss of a loved one or beloved pet. A counselor once told me "The price of love is grief" and that is so true. When we love much, the grief of the loss is heavy, but grieve we must if we want to move thru it to the other side and regain our joy and our peace.

It is, however, not healthy if the grieving goes on year after year and we are constantly dwelling on the loss. At some point, we must make a conscious effort to not dwell on the hurt of the loss because this steals the joy from today and prevents us from living and enjoying the present moment.

Letting go is a process we get to practice again and again in different situations.  Whenever I feel like my joy is gone, I ask myself "What do I need to let go of?" There is usually something that is stealing my peace and joy. The good news is with practice, we will recognize sooner rather than later when we need to let go of something or someone. 

For Reflection

What can you let go of today? A broken relationship? A garage or house full of stuff? The pain from a past hurt? I encourage you to give it to God and let him replace it with the fruit of the Spirit in the present moment. For more on this important topic, get your copy of my new book "Ignite the Power Within: 10 Steps to Supercharge Your spiritual growth."  where I go more into depth about this. 

If this post was helpful, leave a comment, ask a question, and share it with a friend in need. If you'd like to join our community, enter your email in the box provided. I'll also send you a copy of my free e-guide entitled "7 Steps to Finding Your Spiritual Path",

Stay tuned for my next post to encourage, educate and inspire you. 

Until next time,

Keep looking up!

Ariel Paz

6 Easy Ways to Get Your Joy Back - Part 1

We all have tough days, weeks, sometimes months. Job stress, no time to exercise, family responsibilities or perhaps a run in with a loved one can all cause us to lose our peace and our joy. I can relate. So many things can happen in the course of any given day that can steal our joy, if we allow them to. It is important to be mindful of how and what we are feeling in the present moment and then take constructive steps to deal with the issue so we can get our joy back. 

We are meant to live vibrant, joyful, energetic lives, no matter what age we are. Now that is not fantasy nor is it unrealistic. Sure, we all have down days, but the key is to have less of them. So this week, I'm sharing the first 3 out of 6 strategies I use to maintain my joy but first, a recent personal anecdote you may relate to and how I handled it. 

Personal Story:  

So I did not hear from my son over the Easter holiday. Not a card, not a phone call. Not even a text message. I was disappointed and hurt and I felt it. It was a choice to say nothing or to say something. So rather than stew for days, I decided to email him (a non-invasive method) and express my feelings. He has a lot going on right now and apologized. He also thanked me for sharing my feelings. Wow.

This courageous act of sending an honest email opened up the lines of communication. And my joy returned! I don't like feeling upset or angry at someone so I try my best to clear the air as soon as possible. The Bible says "Do not let the sun go down on your anger." (Eph 4:26 - 32)

Awareness is Key 

Most people are not aware of how their actions - or non-action - may hurt you. They are too wrapped up in their own lives and problems to think about you. It is up to us to let people know how we are feeling. People are not mind-readers so don't expect them to be. It is up to us to teach people how we want to be treated. If the other person cares about you, honest communication will get the issue out in the open and help clear the air. 

The key is to be more aware of what things are stressing us out and do something about them before we go Kaboom or take it out on other people! Anger management - or the lack thereof - is a huge problem in our world today. Just watch the evening news.  

So here are the first 3 tips on how to try to keep our joy on an everyday basis:

1. Realize you have lost your joy. 
If we're not careful we can become glum and not even realize it. Look in the mirror. Are you smiling? Humming? Or am I ruminating on some situation or person? Am I staying in too much? Sleeping too much? Lack energy? We can get so bogged down by the trials of life, we lose our joy, often without realizing it. The question is - are any of these things worth losing my joy over and the answer is NO! 

"But, you don't know what I'm dealing with," some retort. No, I don't but we are all fighting our own battles, no matter what they may be and we are each responsible for managing our own stress levels. 

If you find yourself constantly dumping your woes on others, blaming loved ones, or always finding fault and complaining, you might want to consider getting counseling.  Better Help is an online counseling service you might want to look into to help you through a rough patch. 

2. Step away from the stress.
When we realize we are feeling stressed and overwhelmed, it's time to break the stress cycle and get away mentally. If possible, put some distance between you and the situation or the other person. Agree to take a time-out temporarily. Focus on yourself rather than the frustrating situation. Get a workout in, listen to music, make a nice dinner, get together with friends. Do something that puts you in the "zone". These all help to let the steam out of the pot and give you a break from dealing with the situation or person until emotions have cooled and you are in a better place.

I've learned that when other people are stressed they often take it out on an innocent bystander (usually the person closest to them) and it is best to set a boundary - sooner rather than later - with them to protect our peace and our mental and physical health. I'm still getting practice at this one with my youngest son who pushes my boundaries constantly. 

3. Make time for self-care. 
Self-care is not selfish, I don't care what anyone says. If we don't take good care of ourselves physically, mentally, and spiritually, we are less able mentally and emotionally to deal with others. We have to start with a full bucket. Take a hot Epsom salts bath or go to a steam room or sauna.  Give yourself some quiet time. Polish your nails, gals. Get some exercise and get moving - go for a run, a walk, a bike ride or a swim. Guys, get thee to the gym, go for a bike ride, or hit the golf course.

Exercise moves negative energy out of your body. 

When the pressures and problems of the world crowd in on us, it's time to get alone and get the energy moving out of our bodies,  clear our minds, and then we will be able to listen to that still small voice that gives us guidance when we need it.  

Reflection:

Is there some situation or someone stealing your joy? Can you implement one or more of these tips to feel more joyful today? What can you do to process your emotions and let off steam? 

If this post was helpful and you'd like to join our community and receive my weekly encouraging posts, enter your email address in the box provided. As a thank you, I'll send you my free e-guide entitled "7 Steps to Finding Your Spiritual Path". 

For more tips and info on a wide-variety of topics, pop on over to Pinterest to check out my collection of pins on blog posts, health and wellness, recipes, exercise and diet, and so much more. https://www.pinterest.com/arielpaz/pins/

Stay tuned for the next post in this series when I share the next 3 tips to getting your joy back. Let's help each other ignite the power within!

Until next time, keep looking up!

Ariel Paz

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How to Craft a Life You Love

Spring is officially here and it's a great time to declutter. Let's face it. Most of us have too much - too much stuff, too many projects, too much activity. If we are honest with ourselves, we will admit it. We pack too much into every minute, every day. As a result, we end up stressed and overwhelmed. We don't get enough sleep and our immune system falters. Then we get sick. We neglect our relationships, our bodies, and our spiritual growth. Spring reminds us there is always another opportunity to start anew, to grow, and to blossom. 

It's Not Totally Our Fault

We live in a non-stop world. The pace is frenetic and the world constantly barrages us with news, noise, and negativity. It's too easy to get sucked up in the whirlpool of it all; a downward spiral of never ending things to do, places to go, and stuff to take care of resulting in constant frenetic activity, exhaustion, and very little rest, reflection or true relaxation.

There is an Answer

I know you've heard this phrase, and it is applicable to so many areas of our lives but it seems to have disappeared from mainstream society, especially here in the United States. One principle that we all know but often forget to implement and it is this: keep it simple. 

                                      

Start With the Basics 

Like your wardrobe. Is your closet packed so full you really don't know what you have in there? Time to get rid of some stuff. What haven't you worn in the past year? What don't you feel good in? What makes you look fat, old, or dated? Chuck it - give it to a friend, Goodwill, or a shelter.

Next move on to your house. Same idea. Start with one room at a time.  How about the kitchen, the fridge, and the pots and pans? Every year around early spring, I get this urge to clean and declutter. I am very selective before I buy anything that is going to sit on my kitchen counter or that has only one use. 

Recent Personal Experience

I have been looking for a new toaster oven. Mine is over 10 years old. Does it still work? Yes but it looks a bit ratty. So on a recent shopping excursion to Costco (one of my fav places), I spied a spiffy shiny multi-purpose toaster/air fry oven. 

Well, I got it home (and bruised my arm because it was so heavy). Unpacked all the various pieces for the different functions, and set it on my kitchen counter. It was too big to fit in a cabinet. I read the cookbook that came with it to see what all it could make. Not impressed. I already have an air fryer setting in my new GE oven. 

Well, long story short. I woke up the next day and saw this big black appliance taking up space on my kitchen counter and thought "Nope, it's too big. It's going back to Costco" and that was that. 

Do You Really Need It?

If we want to declutter our space and our life, we have to get really clear on our priorities. What is truly important? Do you really need all those items to clean, dust, and insure? When was the last time you used whatever? My criteria is if I don't love it, I chuck it. Ok, I get it. Some things have sentimental value. Keep one or two and donate the rest. Live in today instead of the past. Today is a gift, that is why they call it the present. Enjoy it.

Clutter Hinders our focus. 

I can't stand clutter. It smothers me. I need space and light. Stuff seems to multiply like rabbits: gifts from friends we don't need, use, or want, old items we are saving for some sentimental reason, books, records, and photo albums we rarely even look at or listen to. Live in the present and have done with old stuff from the past. Chances are pretty darn good your kids or your relatives aren't going to want anything old you may be saving anyway.

Look at Jesus. 
How much stuff did he have? Did he have to schedule everything in a calendar? He made time for people, healing, and speaking words of faith, forgiveness, and encouragement. When we are ruled by the stuff of this world, what time do we have for the things that really matter? Things that will last into eternity? "Seek ye first the kingdom of God, and all these things shall be added unto you." (Matt 6:33). 

When we declutter our lives and get rid of stuff that no longer bears fruit or serves us, we make room for God to bring in something new. Like preparing for the birth of a new baby, we must make space for the new if we want to grow and move forward in life. 

For Reflection

What are you holding on to that no longer serves its purpose? It may be material possessions but it could also be old patterns of thinking that clutter our mind and prevent us from seeing life in new ways. Simplify your life and see what new thing shows up. I can't wait to hear from you!

If you enjoyed this post and would like a little help prioritizing your life while having fun at the same time, check out my ebook entitled "Take Back Your Life: 5 Keys to Reclaiming Your Personal Power."  Life can be simplified so you can have more peace, more power, and more joy. And when those extra challenges come up, you won't get so stressed out because you have your priorities straight. Order your copy today at your favorite online bookseller. 

I do hope you will join our growth-oriented community. Just enter your email address in the box provided. You'll receive my weekly newsletter plus a copy of my free e-guide entitled "7 Steps to Finding Your Spiritual Path". 

And, pop on over to Pinterest and check out all the tips, ideas, and recipes I have curated for you. And if you are looking for a new read, check out my books available at most of your online booksellers. 

Stay tuned for more positive and practical wisdom to help you ignite the power within and discover YOUR DESTINY!

Until next time, keep looking up!

Ariel Paz

All rights reserved. If you'd like to use this material, please contact me at arielpaz08@gmail.com

How to Eliminate 4 Negative Thought Patterns

Spring is a time for renewal, rebirth, and transformation. Who doesn't love seeing new life, bunnies, flowers, and the gorgeous tree colors? It is a time for transformation and that is what today's post and this month's series is all about. 

What transformation would you like to see in your life? Perhaps lose some weight? Get in better shape? Get your financial house in order? Take that trip you've been dreaming of? Break a bad habit? (We all have them :)) All of these are very exciting and motivational personal growth projects to start on. 

Our progress in life and in our goals has much to do with how we think. Often we pick up negative thought patterns which we are unaware of. Awareness is the first key to transformation so this week I'm sharing four thinking patterns that keep us stuck instead of moving forward. 

The Root of the Problem 
As you probably know, change starts in our minds. We all have sub-conscious tapes playing and thought patterns that keep us from making the changes we so desire. I would like to EMPOWER YOU to address some of these faulty thinking patterns. So, what are some of these negative thinking patterns that prevent us from living our best life?

1. Procrastination
You've heard that saying "Don't put off till tomorrow what you can do today" and it is so true. What doesn't get done today, will spill over into tomorrow's to-do list and eventually we will feel overwhelmed and give up on everything.

Some of us have trouble keeping the house clean and let clutter take over. Clutter keeps us distracted and unable to focus. We spend too much time trying to keep up with stuff. We have enough to take care of with just the basics. This is why I endorse the minimalism lifestyle. Keep only what you use, need, or adore and get rid of the rest. Check out my Pinterest board on simplifying your life here. 

Yesterday, the front of a drawer just dropped off and - instead of getting upset, I just laughed. 

"Another thing to fix and add to the to-do list". 

When I found the wood glue, turns out it had all hardened and was no longer usable. Another trip to Home Depot....Just put it on the never-ending to do list. 

Perhaps you have trouble managing your finances. Or getting to the gym. These are all habits we have to incorporate into our daily lives because they form the foundation of a healthy and balanced life. Procrastination keeps us from exerting the EFFORT to take control of our lives. Nobody ever "FEELS" like doing the work but if we wait to "feel" motivated, well you know how that goes. 

We use excuses such as "I don't feel like it", "I'm too tired", "I'll do it tomorrow", "I'm too busy". Do any of these resonate? The answer, friend, is discipline and don't tell me you don't have it, because you ABSOLUTELY DO!

Procrastination is a bad habit you can conquer. 

2.  Distraction
You've decided today is the day you are going to declutter your office. You have good intentions and you start off with good momentum. Then you think of someone you want to call and pick up the phone. Or you get bored and mindlessly wander into the fridge or cupboard for a snack. Or you pop on over to some social media platform just to see "what everybody else" is doing. 

Distractions come in many forms all designed to keep us from accomplishing our goals and moving forward in life.  Distractions take us out of the present moment. Some distractions are playing games on our phones, watching television, working on the computer., shopping. Now there is nothing inherently wrong with any of these, except when we turn to them instead of focusing on our goals and dreams instead. Check out my Pinterest board on mindfulness here. 

3.  Rationalization
I had a friend who kept saying she's on a diet and wants to lose weight yet every time we go out to eat, she says "I deserve this" or "I'll start my diet tomorrow". Working hard at the office all day is not a reason to overeat when you get home at night. Nor is the fact that you broke up with your boyfriend or the fact that you don't have a boyfriend. If you want the confidence to attract a boyfriend, stop rationalizing. 

So let's talk about stress for a minute. We all have it and we are each responsible for managing it so it doesn't spill out onto other people, but sadly, many people have not taken responsibility for managing their stress. Just watch the nightly news. Or the guy at the local gas station. Or your idiot boss. 

We can all come up with ideas to rationalize our actions yet all that does is keep us stuck right where we are. If we want to transform our lives, we must prioritize our goals and values over our negative thoughts.  

4.  Condemnation
Okay, so I said I was going to lose weight this week and once again, I head for the cheese and crackers or the wine or the ice ceam or the chocolate. I keep going back to the food issue because many of us struggle with it. I know I do.

These are just examples of how we can derail ourselves by our own choices and lack of commitment and awareness. Notice I did not say will power. Will power will only get us so far. We have to make a firm commitment to our goal to keep on track AND we have to stay mindful.

Emotions can have a powerful impact on our ability to say "No". We all fall off the wagon from time to time, but what is worse is beating ourselves up about our slip-ups. When we guilt ourselves, we decrease our resolve to start again fresh the next day. Eventually we will capitulate by saying "What's the use?" and resign ourselves to our condition. How we use self-talk plays a huge part in our success or failure. 

Instead of beating yourself up, give yourself some grace. Say "Well, today I didn't do so well on my diet. I'll do better tomorrow," then go for a walk. Feed yourself faith and hope instead of despair and condemnation. Every day is not going to be easy. Every day is not going to be successful. Yet there will be successful days if we keep at it and eventually the successful days will outnumber the unsuccessful days. We will conquer that mountain and imagine how amazing you are going to feel when you do!

For Reflection

Which of these four thinking patterns do you succumb to? What excuses do you make? How do you treat yourself after a slip up? Awareness is the first step to change and I hope this post has helped you become aware of some patterns that may be holding you back. To learn more on this topic, get your copy of my short ebook, "Take Back Your Life: 5 keys to reclaim your personal power" and do leave an honest review.

If you enjoyed this post and would like to join our community, enter your email in the box provided. You'll receive my weekly newsletter plus a copy of my free e-guide "How to Develop a Spiritual Practice." This ebook is designed to help you establish new habits to grow spiritually and emotionally which are the basis of a peaceful and joyful life. Get your copy now. 

I invite you to pop on over to Pinterest and check out all the interesting stuff I have gathered there on a variety of topics such as health and wellness, fitness and exercise, cooking, travel, beauty, mindfulness, motivation and more. 

Stay tuned for more practical and positive wisdom so you can ignite the power within and discover YOUR destiny!

Until next time, keep looking up!

Ariel Paz 

How to Set Better Boundaries

What stresses you out? I don't know about you, but certain people stress me out. And most of them are family members. Sadly. I find myself ruminating on how I could have/should have handled situations differently during the day. The answer is always "set better boundaries" and that is the topic I'm sharing on today. 

Boundaries are HUGE in regards to limiting the stress in our lives. Just because someone is a family member, doesn't mean we always have to say "yes" to them or agree with them. It doesn't mean we have to ALLOW - say ALLOW - poor behavior. We can have our OWN opinions even if they disagree with us or tell us otherwise. And we deserve to be treated with RESPECT AND KINDNESS. 

Since one of the goals of this blog is to help us to find more harmony in our lives, it is important to realize that stress also comes from taking too much c--- from other people. Pardon my french. Today we'll be talking about how to reduce the stress caused by other people by setting firmer boundaries. 

If we want  more peace in our lives, we MUST learn:
 a) to minimize or eliminate the stressors from our lives 
 b) how to deal with people a healthier way and
 c) set firmer boundaries sooner

I bet you'll agree a lot of stress comes from other people - usually those who are related to us or are emotionally connected such as a spouse, a boyfriend, a son or daughter, a close friend.

Are You Too Nice?

It doesn't matter who in your life is causing you stress.  For years, I have allowed too much c--p from boyfriends, relatives, ex-husband, and close friends and it has been very unhealthy for me. Poor boundaries are usually at the crux of the problem. This was a tough lesson for me to learn and I keep getting  refresher courses. 

Perhaps like me you've been told "You're too nice". Nice people get hurt - a lot. Until we get to the breaking point and declare "Enough is enough." So what to do about people who cause you stress? Here are 8 tips to put into practice starting today.

1. Tell the other person how you feel. 
Yes, it takes vulnerability to express our hurts, but it also is a sign of self-respect and shows a willingess to want to improve the relationship if it is to move forward. People are not mind-readers. Many times the other person is oblivious to how their behavior is impacting us so it is up to us to make them aware.
 
The difficulty here is that some people are not emotionally mature enough to hear you. Don't be surprised if they get defensive, raise their voice, or get angry.

Personal Story 

Several years ago, I confronted a long time friend who had divulged a confidence to her entire family and who knows who else. When I asked her about it, she got very defensive and retorted "Well then, just don't tell me anything anymore!"

What kind of friendship is that? A friendship is built on trust.  She did not take ownership. She did not apologize. People who react this way are not emotionally mature enough to handle direct confrontation. Or they may also be too insecure or prideful to face up to their actions. Don't let this be you. Fess up when you screw up and make amends. It can help you restore a broken relationship. 

If someone really and truly cares about you, they will care about your feelings. They will apologize and take ownership of their behavior. They will offer to make amends and attempt to change going forward. This is what you want if a relationship is to grow. 

2. Refuse to allow bad treatment. 
This might seem obvious, but I am guilty of allowing mistreatment because I valued the relationship more - apparently - than I valued my own well-being and mental and emotional health. I made excuses such as "Well, he's my son" or "He's my husband". Forget it. 

No person has the right to mistreat another either emotionally, physically, or verbally and this includes name-calling, labeling, raising their voice, blaming, and judging. These are all toxic behavior patters that should not be tolerated. It is time to put your foot down and stop allowing them to get away with disrespectful behavior.

This is where boundaries come in. Instead of making excuses for the other person, we need to GET REALLY CLEAR on what we will and will not allow and make that clear to the other party. For example, I told my mom that she needs to calm herself down before she calls me for help. Emotions are contagious. I cannot have her anxiety streaming over to me. To her credit, she learned how to calm herself down most of the time. 

3. Do not tolerate psychological torment and manipulation. 
Since he was a teenager, my oldest son has disconnected from me for months and years at a time. This has been a pattern. Meanwhile, I was an emotional wreck wondering when or if I would hear from him again. This is a form of manipulation and control. When he finally reconnects and I ask him why he disconnected, he never has an answer. Disconnecting for long periods of time is mental manipulation. The Bible says "Do not let the sun go down on your anger," which means deal with issues sooner rather than later. Don't put off confronting but some people are weak and afraid. If someone disconnects from you and you try to make amends but they are not interested, it is in your best interest to LET THEM GO - no matter who it is. Why lose your peace over something you cannot control? 

Do not allow yourself to be imprisoned by another person's immaturity. If people don't want to be in relationship with you - no matter who they are - you don't need them in your life. Period. Let God take care of them while you take care of you. 

4. Clearly communicate the change you want to see or the need you want met. 
This is a very key component to moving forward in a healthier way. Apologies are a nice first step but you cannot have reconciliation without behavior change. Be very clear about what you need from the other person. Some examples are:
"I need you to keep your voice down when you talk to me."
"I need you to be on time when we are going somewhere."
"I need you to not drink so much when we go out."

"I need you to control your temper."

"I need you to be kind to me."

"I need you to stop blaming me for...".

A handy tool to communicate your needs is an "I feel" statement. "I feel threatened and unsafe when you raise your voice to me." Never start a sentence with "You...". This will immediately put the other person on the defensive. Make it about YOUR needs and feelings.

5. Expect the other person to put equal effort into the relationship going forward. 
 Often codependent people put all the work into relationships. We feel it is our responsibility to make a relationship work when in reality, it takes two to make any relationship work. If you feel you are constantly the one to reach out, connect, or try to clear the air, there is something out of balance.

Relationships are a two-way street. The Bible says "Love your neighbor AS YOURSELF." In other words, love YOURSELF first and then love others. Somehow as a codependent, I missed the part about loving myself. 

When we pull back, we allow the other person to step up to the plate. I remember telling my mother this years ago. Her answer was "I didn't know I had to put effort into our relationship." Wow. 

6. Learn to set healthier boundaries.

If we are continually hurt or taken advantage of, half of the responsibility lies with us. People will continue to act out, until we refuse to allow it. We need to know and respect our own limits - what we will and will not tolerate and what makes us feel stressed or pressured. This is where the word "No" is powerful.  Here's a recent personal story to illustrate.

Personal Story 
On a visit with family who live out-of-state, I had the "opportunity" to hear "No" quite a bit. My then 80-something mother refused to let me drive her car. As anyone who has driven with an elderly person knows, their reactions are not quite as timely as they need to be. With all the sudden braking and accelerating, I wound up getting motion sick several times till I finally refused to go anywhere with her unless I drove.  I had to say "No" to her "No". This is called "setting healthy boundaries": say no to any behavior that is hurtful or harmful. To her, driving was a control issue. To me it was a safety and health issue.

7. Put distance between yourself and the other person. 
 If the other person cannot or will not accept your boundaries, then it may be time to give each other some space. This means emotional and physical distance. Give them space and give yourself a breather.

You don't have to be the one putting all the effort into the relationship. Ask yourself how you feel after you've interacted with this person. If you feel stressed, anxious, or depleted this is a sign something needs to change.

By giving each other space, I do not mean months or years. I mean hours or at most, a few days to cool off, calm down, and process. This should not take weeks or months. Unaddressed issues just get worse and distorted over time if not handled in a timely manner. People forget what actually happened. They only remember what they want to remember. It's not good to let unresolved issues linger. 

8. Be willing to give up the relationship.
You've heard the old saying "If you love someone, let them go". If someone keeps repeating the same hurtful behaviors after you've asked them to change, it may be time to let them go, hard as that can be. If they care about you and the relationship they will change their behavior. It may take some time depending on how busy they are or how much energy they have to change. The key is to be strong enough not to keep going back to them unless you see a change in behavior. This goes for addicts and alcoholics but also those charmers who keep luring us back by their manipulative ways. 

Those of us who were raised in an abusive environment have learned to tolerate abuse. Any form of abuse - emotional, physical, or psychological, is UNACCEPTABLE. When we keep going back to someone or letting them manipulate or otherwise intimidate  us, we are in effect saying:
    "It's ok for you to treat me this way" when it absolutely is NOT.

We have to come to the point where we put our well-being and self-respect ABOVE any relationship. We have to learn what is abusive, manipulative, or controlling and set a boundary or leave the relationship. 

Practice makes perfect. 
Well, maybe not perfect, but we will become more aware of when we need to put our foot down. We need to retrain our automatic response from "Yes" to "No". We need to learn to become aware of our feelings of discomfort sooner rather than later. At first, we might feel guilty because we are  accustomed to allowing and making excuses for other people's behavior but the sense of peace and personal power we will feel from saying "No, this is unacceptable" feels so much better.

The verse from scripture that addresses this issue is Matthew 18:18 which says this: "Whatever you bind(forbid) on earth shall be bound in heaven and whatever you loose (allow) on earth, shall be loosed in heaven."  In other words, if we want more peace here on earth, we have to forbid the things that cause us to lose it which includes some people and their behavior.

For Reflection

Who in your life causes you stress? What are their typical tactics? What boundaries can you set with them to protect your peace? What is holding you back from setting better boundaries? 

If you want more peace and less stress in your relationships, I encourage you to implement these tips. You will be amazed at how empowered and peaceful you will feel and you will begin the process of taking back your life.

If you want to learn more about taking back your life, order a copy of my book, "Take Back Your Life: 5 Keys to Reclaiming Your Personal Power" available at your favorite online bookseller or thru me at a discount. Simply use Zelle to email me (arielpaz08@gmail.com)  $3.99 and learn how to get your power back. 

If you enjoyed this post and would like to join our community, enter your email address in the box provided. In addition to my weekly posts, you'll also receive a copy of my free e-guide entitled "How to Develop a Spiritual Practice". It's a short read that will help you start a daily practice to look inward and upward. 

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Stay tuned for more insights to help you find healing, wholeness, and harmony and enjoy the life you deserve!

Until next time, keep looking up!

Ariel Paz

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10 Tips to Better Communication

Relationships are a gift. And, like any gift, we must be open to receiving them in whatever form they come in, good or bad. Some people are more reactive and emotional. Others are more quiet and subdued. Controlling our emotions is a big part of how our relationships go. I've heard it said that the people we don't get along with are our best teachers. There is always something we can learn from every encounter. Since the holidays are right around the corner, when we will have more personal interactions, this week  I'm sharing some tips I've learned on how to have better relationships even with difficult people. 

Be Open-Minded
Most of us like to think we are open-minded and accepting of others but are we really? We like our routines and habits. We like the people we hang around. We tend to think like the groups we belong to, the church we attend, the political party we associate with. So what do you do when you encounter someone who doesn't think or believe like you? Now that's quite a different story, isn't it? 

Personal Story

A few years ago I was chatting with a gal - about my age - at the pool. Somehow, the conversation turned to politics and I learned she leaned towards a different political party. Boy, did she get intense. Her voice went up and I could feel the emotion seething in her. Somehow, by the grace of God, I stayed calm and defused the situation before it escalated. Then she tells me her fiancé is of the same party as I and how much tension it was bringing into their relationship. I suggested, for the sake of their relationship, that she learn to control her emotional reactions. She knew it was a problem and said "Yeah, I need to work on that.". Whew. That was a close call.  

Containing Our Emotions 

If we want better relationships and more peace in our world, it is important to accept and understand others who think differently than we do and that means we have to stay in control of our emotions. I know it's easier said than done. 

1, Try something new.
 Many times we form an opinion about something before we even give it a try. This goes with food, people, activities, belief systems, and so on. My mom is constantly amazed at how many different types of cuisines I enjoy. This is because I am open to trying them. Before you poo-poo something or someone, give it or them a chance. Have an open mind and an attitude of acceptance. Look for the positives. Ask yourself "How might I benefit from this change?" Some simple ideas are: go to that new ethnic restaurant that just opened up, try a new social group or venue. Attend a different sports event, church, or exercise group. You may well be pleasantly surprised.

2. Step out of your comfort zone.
This goes along with #1. The older we get, the more comfortable we become in our habits, our activities, and our ways of thinking. If we want to experience the "abundant life" which includes peace and joy, we have to make the effort to step out of our comfort zone and see things from a different perspective. 

What's more difficult is changing our thought patterns. We tend to have developed ways of thinking that we may have outgrown or may not be serving us. Try and step back and ask "How else can I see this situation or person?" "How else can I respond in this situation?" "Am I being judgmental?" Our brains get in grooves and we need to make a conscious effort to change our thinking patterns when we encouter difficulties in our relationships. 

The opportunities for growth are endless, especially with all the technology available to us. The benefits are we will have more harmony in our lives and hopefully  learn to accept rather than judge others.

3. Visit a foreign country.
This is one of my favorite ways to expand my perspective and worldview. When we visit a foreign country, we get a chance to see how other cultures live, dress, eat, and think. We realize that people everywhere want the same basic things: a decent job, safety, good food, and affordable health care. Rather than expect things to be like home, learn to appreciate the differences in cultures and lifestyles. Travel makes me appreciate what I have at home even more. We have so much to be thankful for and often we take much for granted, like running water for instance and indoor toilets. Did you know people in India have to walk miles to get fresh water? I know people who dump a glass of water without even a second thought.

4. Read more.
We are all busy, but reading is essential for growth and expanding our minds. For example, if you're always glued to the latest romance novel or tv series, why not try a book about something that will help you grow? I've got several of them you could start with :) 

The library is free and now you can download books right from your computer without having to go out of your house. Reading is a convenient way to absorb new thoughts and ideas. I love to read books on a variety of self-improvement topics. How about you? What are you interested in? What area would you like to grow in?

5. Reserve judgment. 
Most of us are quick to size up someone. When you meet a new person, reserve judgement. Don't categorize  or label them right off the bat. It takes time to get to know people. Everyone has a story and until we know and undertand that story we can't really understand where they're coming from. Focus more on listening and accepting them rather than trying to categorize them and put them into a neat little box. Try not to label. As long as someone is not hurting me, my philosophy is "Live and let live." Practicing mindfulness helps us to be more aware of when we are having judgemental thoughts and emotional reactions. 

6. Give up the need to be right.
I have to admit I struggled with this one for a long time. Although I wasn't consciously trying to prove the other person wrong, I realized people don't like to hear that they are wrong. So now, even if I am 100% sure about something, I don't insist on pressing my point. I let the matter drop. I have learned to say "I may be wrong but....".  I don't want to come off sounding like a know-it-all and this gives the other person both freedom and dignity. I think this is called allowing someone to "save face". When we always have to be "right" it is a sign our ego is in control, and not the spirit of God. Everyone's ego gets the best of them at times, but the more we realize what is going on, the more we can use self-control to keep the tension and drama from escalating, especially in political conversations. 

An exception to this rule is if you have something to lose financially or otherwise by not speaking up. Sometimes we have to stick to our guns until the other person understands our concern.

7. Don't be easily offended.
It's a hard thing to do at times but it is healthier. People say things without thinking. A lot. If we don't want to be continually offended, irritated, or hurt, there are two ways to handle a snarky comment. First, we can just ignore it and let it slide. This is fine for people we don't see often. The problem with this approach is if we don't confront habitual behaviors with people we interact with frequently, the behavior will continue. 

The second option is to take a breath and respond with a positive statement. For example, my mom recently said "You don't have time for me." Instead of taking it personally and getting offended, I chose option one and I let it slide in the moment, but what I said at another time was "It is true I am busy, but I always make time for you and that was hurtful of you to say I don't have time for you."  She was playing the victim card once again and I didn't allow her to get away with it.

This clarifies for the other person their misperception, helps them to be more aware of the impact of their words, and leaves you feeling empowered instead of offended. It is great to be able to handle a situation in the moment, but if you can't, rest assured another opportunity will present itself. 

My youngest son puts it this way: "Don't allow it to land." When we don't allow negativity to land and affect our spirits, we throw it back out there. When we exercise self-control and don't react impulsively, we don't risk burning a bridge or saying something that will make matters worse. We also conserve precious energy we can better use elsewhere. Next time someone makes a snarky comment, or gets angry, try either of these two solutions. It's called being assertive. You'll be the bigger and more at peace person for it.

8. Practice Active Listening. 
Are you an active listener? Or are you a distracted listener? Are you focused and present in your conversations or are you on your cell phone or thinking about your next response? 

When we do either of these, we are not fully present. I can always tell when my oldest is distracted. I have to repeat things and he gets this vague tone. I stop and ask him if he would rather chat at another time. My mom always has her television volume up so loud I have to ask her to mute the volume so she's not half-paying attention to me and half watching tv. Another acquaintance chose to text someone else while on the phone with me. I call that disrespectful. 

Listening is a skill we can all improve upon. As I used to say "That is why God gave us two ears and one mouth. So we would listen twice as much as we speak." It is a gift we give the other person. Everyone wants to be heard and understood and we cannot do this without listening actively. 

One caveat tho. Don't let the other person go on and on, like a run-away train or a dripping faucet. A one-sided conversation is a monologue, not a dialogue. Some people go on and on not even checking in with the other person to see if they are with them.  They are most likely either venting rather than having a conversation. 

When we are actively listening, it is a lot to process a lot of information at one clip. I've learned it is better to try and interrupt them than to try to process all that but I am not always successful because people have different styles of communicating. These people are thinking as they talk, rather than thinking before they speak, 

9. Double check your understanding. 
Communication is a two-way street. It is important to confirm that what you heard is what the sender is trying to convey. Often, our own perceptions, assumptions, and judgements distort the message. One way to do this when you start to feel offended or angry, is to rephrase what you heard. I use this version "So what I heard you say is....". This will ensure I didn't misinterpret what the other person was trying to communicate. It also gives the other party a chance to clarify. Many times when they hear what they said repeated back to them, they respond with "Well, that's not what I meant." My mother says this all the time. Many people are not aware of what comes out of their mouths. 

Clarifying our understanding is crucial to harmonious relationshps.

10. Be Aware of Escalating Emotions

Words are fine, but the real message is often understood by identifying the person's feelings. They may say one thing, but their tone and volume could be saying something else. We don't know how the other person is going to take what we say. The minute you hear a raised voice, a tone, or a snarky comment, stop and ask what's really going on. If you are paying attention, you can usually notice when someone is getting irritated or frustrated, even if the the sender isn't. By pausing to ask a question, we interrupt the negative cycle of escalation. 

You both get a chance to breathe and connect with your emotions. This resets the emotional tone of the conversation. Negative emotions are transferable and it takes real self-control to not get sucked in to someone's else's issues and react inappropriately.

Recently, I was at the hairdresser's getting a "do-over". I could tell the hairdresser was irritated by the tone of her voice so I said - calmly  - "You sound really irritated." Silence. She got it and immediately her demeanor and her tone changed. If I had not brought it to her attention, I would have put up with it for the rest of my visit. Nip negative emotions in the bud. 

For reflection 

Who is it that you have trouble communicating with? Which of these techniques could you try out today? What communication tips can you share with us? Do post a comment and let us know. 

If you enjoyed this post and would like to be a part of our community, enter your email address in the box provided. I'll also send you a copy of my new FREE e-guide entitled "How to Develop a Spiritual Practice". In it I share doable steps to looking inward and upward. 

Also, pop on over to follow me on Pinterest and check out all the offerings I have there for you on quite a variety of topics such as health and wellness, faith and spirituality, prayer, motivation, diet and exercise, and so much more. 

Stay tuned for more informational and inspirational posts so you can ignite the power within and discover YOUR destiny!

Keep looking up!

Ariel Paz

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How to Tame Your Unruly Mind

Have you ever said something "without thinking"? Do you often find yourself feeling down, depressed or anxious but don't know why? What about the dreams you have at night that keep you from getting a good night's rest? What's going on then? If we want to ignite our personal power so we can move forward towards our goals and dreams and have more peace and joy, we must tame and train the unruly beast known as the mind.

The Brain vs. the Mind
Before we can talk about how to discipline the mind, we need to understand what exactly do we mean by "the mind". To keep this as simple as possible, the mind is the non-physical part of us that is composed of both consciousness and unconsciousness. It is separate from the physical part of the body known as the brain. The brain is the organ that is part of our central nervous system and controls our physical and bodily functions.

The mind, on the other hand, controls our emotions, our thoughts, and our will. Some believe that the mind is the eternal part of us known as the "soul". Undeveloped and unconstrained, the mind will take off like a runaway train or a wild horse. Buddhism calls this "monkey mind" meaning unsettled, capricious, restless, uncontrollable, confused. Picture the monkeys you see in the zoo or the wild and how they flit from tree to tree hanging on and jumping around willy nilly. This is how undisciplined minds behave. Thousands of thoughts fly by in the course of everyday life, yet we are unaware of the majority of them.

Feed your mind positive input.
If we want to harness the power of our minds, we need to discipline it to think the right kind of thoughts. There are three main steps to cultivating a disciplined mind and today we will cover the first one.  

Our minds are like computers. How they are programmed is how they will perform. Many of us grew up in an environment of worry, anxiety, fear and the like so we already have a library full of negative thoughts. If we feed our minds junk, violence, and negativity which abound in the media, on television and in our world, our thoughts will be full of this stuff.  You may not even be aware of the negativity that is coming out of you. The good news is we can change the way we think by changing what we feed our minds.

If we want healthy, vibrant bodies we will feed ourselves healthy, nutritious food and drink plenty of water. In the same way, if we want healthy, peaceful and emotionally stable minds we need to feed our minds life-giving, positive and faith-filled thoughts. I prefer to use phrases from the Holy Bible and I can attest to the fact that they do work. Here are some of my favorites:

     -If we want to conquer fear and doubt, start thinking thoughts of faith.
       "God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power, love and a 

        sound mind".

       "Trust in the Lord with all your heart and do not lean on your own           understanding."

     If we want to become more bold and less timid,  
      "The Lord is my rock and my fortress." 
      "No weapon formed against me shall prosper."
      "If God is for us, who can stand against us?". 

    If we want to be more loving,
       "Love your neighbor as yourself"
       "Love is patient. Love is kind. Love keeps no record of wrongs."
       "Clothe yourself with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience."

    
    If we want to be more at peace, memorize these verses:
       "The Lord will give keep him in perfect peace whose mind is stayed on Him."
       "Be anxious for nothing, but in everything pray and give thanks to God and He will give you peace that passes all understanding".     

    If we want more ease and less anxiety, instead of thinking "This is too much for me"  or "I'll never be able to ....." think and say out loud:
       "I can do all things thru Christ who strengthens me".
       "God will make my crooked paths straight". 
        "Be still and know that I am God"

     If we want more abundance and provision, stop thinking thoughts of lack.
       "My God shall supply all my needs according to his riches in Christ Jesus".
       "No good thing does He withhold from those who walk uprightly."

These are just a few examples I personally use to reprogram my thinking and you can too! Pick out some verses that resonate with you and begin to verbalize them daily. I post them on sticky notes around the house to remind me.

Personal Story

My mom recently passed and a whole boatload of extra responsibilities and tasks got dumped into my lap. I'm sure some of you have dealt with this situation and know how difficult it is. Well, trying to do her 2023 taxes and obtain the various 1099s since her Texas accountant has disappeared. Still have not received the final one and trying not to stress about the looming tax deadline of Oct. 15. 

This is certainly a test because the situation is out of my control despite my numerous phone calls to the companies involved. I am getting to practice what I preach - paying attention to my thoughts, staying at peace, and living in the present moment. We can only do so much, and in these situations it is important to remember that God sees and is in control. He will make a way where there seems to be no way. 

Reprogram Your Mind
If we want to be more powerful, peaceful, and successful, we need to be more positive. We need to reprogram our thinking with truth and the best source of truth I know is the Holy Bible. Now you can use whatever sacred texts or affirmations you choose, but I suggest the Holy Bible and here's why.

God is obligated to fulfill His Word. He is not obligated to follow through on anyone else's word. The words of scripture have supernatural power in them and that is the missing ingredient in using anything else. Positive affirmations that are not the Word of God will only take us so far. Why?

Because God rewards Faith! He wants to know that we are depending on Him and him alone and not merely our own will and self. When we learn to depend on God more, and ourselves less, we will see strife, turmoil, and unease evaporate from our lives and we will enjoy more harmony, joy, and rest.

This covers the first step to disciplining our minds. Stay tuned for more on Step 6 of igniting the power within when next time we'll talk about the importance of meditation. 

For Reflection

What do you find yourself dwelling on? What causes you stress? How can you replace negative thoughts with thoughts of faith and power? 

If you enjoyed this post and would like to join our community, simply enter your email address in the box provided and you'll receive my weekly posts. You'll also receive a copy of my free e-guide entitled "7 Steps to Finding Your Spiritual Path".  If you would like to learn more about spiritual growth, check out my other offerings here. 

I'd love to hear your thoughts so please leave a comment and share it with your friends. 

Stay tuned for more on how you can ignite the power within and discover your Destiny!

Until next time, keep looking up!

Ariel Paz


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