How to Make a Huge Difference in Your Relationships

If you could do one thing that would improve the quality of your relationships in a big way, would you do it? Since we're talking about communication and relationships this month, I want to share some tips on how you might connect better with your loved ones. 

Research Says
Did you know people feel and experience love differently? According to Dr. Gary Chapman, author of the book series on the 5 love languages, there are five ways people experience being loved. Today, I am sharing on the second love language and how it can make a huge difference in your relationships.

Psychologist William James says that one of the deepest human needs is to feel appreciated. The second love language is words of affirmation. Many people experience love through positive words. These include but are not limited to: praise, encouragement, compliments, approval, and appreciation.

For the Guys 
Many men have a hard time expressing their feelings. In particular, saying those three little words "I love you". "Oh, she knows I love her. Look how hard I work for her," you might be saying to yourself. Guys, if words of affirmation is her love language, she needs to HEAR it from you directly, especially your mother. No woman gets tired of hearing these 3 little words. 

In the same way, she needs to hear "You are so beautiful!". Just be sure it is sincere and not overdone. I once dated a guy that told me I was beautiful so often, I actually got tired of hearing it because it seemed manipulative. Words of affirmation need to be sincere, from the heart and not overdone. 

For the Gals 
Same thing for you gals out there. The men in your life need your affirmation and acceptance as well.  He needs to HEAR how much you appreciate the things he does for you.
"Thank you for picking me up."
"I appreciate you watching the kids today."
"Thank you for taking care of dinner tonight".
"You look great in that suit."
"Your muscles are so sexy." 

"I appreciate you listening to me." 

"Thank you for putting gas in my car." 

Increase the Positive

Relationship psychologists say it takes 5 positive comments to make up for 1 critical comment. People often get a kick out of making fun and criticizing others. Listen to the comics on television and on stage. People pick up this habit and think it is funny but look how depressed many famous comedians are off-stage. Take Robin Williams as an example. 

When someone is insecure, they feel better about themselves when they make someone else feel less than. This may be funny to some, but no one wants to be put down. Negative comments can cause or open up wounds that have been trying to heal. If you want to see your relationships flourish, try being more affirming and less critical. Look for the positive. Everyone needs encouragement which is one of the reasons I write this blog - for you friend!

Just Zip it

It is easy in the heat of the moment to blurt out a harsh, mean, or critical comment. We justify our actions by blaming the other person, but ultimately WE are RESPONSIBLE for what comes out of our mouths, not anyone else. 

It is our responsibility to control our emotions and our actions. These days, it seems no one wants to be held accountable and everyone wants to judge. I'm sure you've heard the phrase "If you don't have anything nice to say, keep your mouth shut" or something like that. I still have work to do in this area, too. I like to give advice, give my opinion, judge another's choices. Smack me, would you? Each of us is responsible for our own decisions and our own lives. And each of us will reap the consequences of our decisions - good or bad. Sometimes we have to just let go and let God. 

It's Biblical 

The apostle James exhorts us to "Be quick to listen, slow to speak, and slow to get angry" James 1:19). When you feel yourself getting emotionally wrought up, take a breath, take a break, walk away and calm down before you say something you will regret later. Hurtful words said in the heat of the moment damage relationships and can never be taken back. 

Relationships are imperfect at best and some are smoother than others but there is always room for improvement. If someone you love is distant or cold and you don't understand why, try using more words of affirmation and see if you get different results.

 

Two good reminders about our speech come from Scripture.

Ephesians 4:29 encourages us in this regard: "Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths but only what is helpful in building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen." 

Colossians 4:6 says "Let your conversation be always full of grace, seasoned with salt, so that you may know how to answer everyone." Every year I choose a word or a scripture phrase to focus on for the year, this year, my word is Kindness. There is always room to come up higher in this area. Who can you be more kind to?

For Reflection

Who in your life could use some words of affirmation? When was the last time you said "I love you" or "I appreciate you." to your significant other or family member? What words can you use to encourage and uplift a friend or loved one? 

If you enjoyed this post and found it helpful, do let me know by leaving a comment. I appreciate your feedback. If you'd like to join our community enter your email address in the box provided. You'll receive my weekly posts plus a copy of my free ebook entitled "How to Develop a Spiritual Practice ". Do be sure to check out my offerings over on Pinterest. You'll find info on a plethora of topics. 

Until next time, give someone a compliment and remember, 

Keep looking up!

Ariel Paz

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All rights reserved. If you wish to use this material contact me at arielpaz08@gmail.com

10 Tips to Better Communication

Relationships are a gift. And, like any gift, we must be open to receiving them in whatever form they come in, good or bad. Some people are more reactive and emotional. Others are more quiet and subdued. Controlling our emotions is a big part of how our relationships go. I've heard it said that the people we don't get along with are our best teachers. There is always something we can learn from every encounter. Since the holidays are right around the corner, when we will have more personal interactions, this week  I'm sharing some tips I've learned on how to have better relationships even with difficult people. 

Be Open-Minded
Most of us like to think we are open-minded and accepting of others but are we really? We like our routines and habits. We like the people we hang around. We tend to think like the groups we belong to, the church we attend, the political party we associate with. So what do you do when you encounter someone who doesn't think or believe like you? Now that's quite a different story, isn't it? 

Personal Story

A few years ago I was chatting with a gal - about my age - at the pool. Somehow, the conversation turned to politics and I learned she leaned towards a different political party. Boy, did she get intense. Her voice went up and I could feel the emotion seething in her. Somehow, by the grace of God, I stayed calm and defused the situation before it escalated. Then she tells me her fiance is of the same party as I and how much tension it was bringing into their relationship. I suggested, for the sake of their relationship, that she learn to control her emotional reactions. She knew it was a problem and said "Yeah, I need to work on that.". Whew. That was a close call.  

Containing Our Emotions 

If we want better relationships and more peace in our world, it is important to accept and understand others who think differently than we do and that means we have to stay in control of our emotions. I know it's easier said than done. 

1, Try something new.
 Many times we form an opinion about something before we even give it a try. This goes with food, people, activities, belief systems, and so on. My mom is constantly amazed at how many different types of cuisines I enjoy. This is because I am open to trying them. Before you poo-poo something or someone, give it or them a chance. Have an open mind and an attitude of acceptance. Look for the positives. Ask yourself "How might I benefit from this change?" Some simple ideas are: go to that new ethnic restaurant that just opened up, try a new social group or venue. Attend a different sports event, church, or exercise group. You may well be pleasantly surprised.

2. Step out of your comfort zone.
This goes along with #1. The older we get, the more comfortable we become in our habits, our activities, and our ways of thinking. If we want to experience the "abundant life" which includes peace and joy, we have to make the effort to step out of our comfort zone and see things from a different perspective. 

What's more difficult is changing our thought patterns. We tend to have developed ways of thinking that we may have outgrown or may not be serving us. Try and step back and ask "How else can I see this situation or person?" "How else can I respond in this situation?" "Am I being judgmental?" Our brains get in grooves and we need to make a conscious effort to change our thinking patterns when we encouter difficulties in our relationships. 

The opportunities for growth are endless, especially with all the technology available to us. The benefits are we will have more harmony in our lives and hopefully  learn to accept rather than judge others.

3. Visit a foreign country.
This is one of my favorite ways to expand my perspective and worldview. When we visit a foreign country, we get a chance to see how other cultures live, dress, eat, and think. We realize that people everywhere want the same basic things: a decent job, safety, good food, and affordable health care. Rather than expect things to be like home, learn to appreciate the differences in cultures and lifestyles. Travel makes me appreciate what I have at home even more. We have so much to be thankful for and often we take much for granted, like running water for instance and indoor toilets. Did you know people in India have to walk miles to get fresh water? I know people who dump a glass of water without even a second thought.

4. Read more.
We are all busy, but reading is essential for growth and expanding our minds. For example, if you're always glued to the latest romance novel or tv series, why not try a book about something that will help you grow? I've got several of them you could start with :) 

The library is free and now you can download books right from your computer without having to go out of your house. Reading is a convenient way to absorb new thoughts and ideas. I love to read books on a variety of self-improvement topics. How about you? What are you interested in? What area would you like to grow in?

5. Reserve judgment. 
Most of us are quick to size up someone. When you meet a new person, reserve judgement. Don't categorize  or label them right off the bat. It takes time to get to know people. Everyone has a story and until we know and undertand that story we can't really understand where they're coming from. Focus more on listening and accepting them rather than trying to categorize them and put them into a neat little box. Try not to label. As long as someone is not hurting me, my philosophy is "Live and let live." Practicing mindfulness helps us to be more aware of when we are having judgemental thoughts and emotional reactions. 

6. Give up the need to be right.
I have to admit I struggled with this one for a long time. Although I wasn't consciously trying to prove the other person wrong, I realized people don't like to hear that they are wrong. So now, even if I am 100% sure about something, I don't insist on pressing my point. I let the matter drop. I have learned to say "I may be wrong but....".  I don't want to come off sounding like a know-it-all and this gives the other person both freedom and dignity. I think this is called allowing someone to "save face". When we always have to be "right" it is a sign our ego is in control, and not the spirit of God. Everyone's ego gets the best of them at times, but the more we realize what is going on, the more we can use self-control to keep the tension and drama from escalating, especially in political conversations. 

An exception to this rule is if you have something to lose financially or otherwise by not speaking up. Sometimes we have to stick to our guns until the other person understands our concern.

7. Don't be easily offended.
It's a hard thing to do at times but it is healthier. People say things without thinking. A lot. If we don't want to be continually offended, irritated, or hurt, there are two ways to handle a snarky comment. First, we can just ignore it and let it slide. This is fine for people we don't see often. The problem with this approach is if we don't confront habitual behaviors with people we interact with frequently, the behavior will continue. 

The second option is to take a breath and respond with a positive statement. For example, my mom recently said "You don't have time for me." Instead of taking it personally and getting offended, I chose option one and I let it slide in the moment, but what I said at another time was "It is true I am busy, but I always make time for you and that was hurtful of you to say I don't have time for you."  She was playing the victim card once again and I didn't allow her to get away with it.

This clarifies for the other person their misperception, helps them to be more aware of the impact of their words, and leaves you feeling empowered instead of offended. It is great to be able to handle a situation in the moment, but if you can't, rest assured another opportunity will present itself. 

My youngest son puts it this way: "Don't allow it to land." When we don't allow negativity to land and affect our spirits, we throw it back out there. When we exercise self-control and don't react impulsively, we don't risk burning a bridge or saying something that will make matters worse. We also conserve precious energy we can better use elsewhere. Next time someone makes a snarky comment, or gets angry, try either of these two solutions. It's called being assertive. You'll be the bigger and more at peace person for it.

8. Practice Active Listening. 
Are you an active listener? Or are you a distracted listener? Are you focused and present in your conversations or are you on your cell phone or thinking about your next response? 

When we do either of these, we are not fully present. I can always tell when my oldest is distracted. I have to repeat things and he gets this vague tone. I stop and ask him if he would rather chat at another time. My mom always has her television volume up so loud I have to ask her to mute the volume so she's not half-paying attention to me and half watching tv. Another acquaintance chose to text someone else while on the phone with me. I call that disrespectful. 

Listening is a skill we can all improve upon. As I used to say "That is why God gave us two ears and one mouth. So we would listen twice as much as we speak." It is a gift we give the other person. Everyone wants to be heard and understood and we cannot do this without listening actively. 

One caveat tho. Don't let the other person go on and on, like a run-away train or a dripping faucet. A one-sided conversation is a monologue, not a dialogue. Some people go on and on not even checking in with the other person to see if they are with them.  They are most likely either venting rather than having a conversation. 

When we are actively listening, it is a lot to process a lot of information at one clip. I've learned it is better to try and interrupt them than to try to process all that but I am not always successful because people have different styles of communicating. These people are thinking as they talk, rather than thinking before they speak, 

9. Double check your understanding. 
Communication is a two-way street. It is important to confirm that what you heard is what the sender is trying to convey. Often, our own perceptions, assumptions, and judgements distort the message. One way to do this when you start to feel offended or angry, is to rephrase what you heard. I use this version "So what I heard you say is....". This will ensure I didn't misinterpret what the other person was trying to communicate. It also gives the other party a chance to clarify. Many times when they hear what they said repeated back to them, they respond with "Well, that's not what I meant." My mother says this all the time. Many people are not aware of what comes out of their mouths. 

Clarifying our understanding is crucial to harmonious relationshps.

10. Be Aware of Escalating Emotions

Words are fine, but the real message is often understood by identifying the person's feelings. They may say one thing, but their tone and volume could be saying something else. We don't know how the other person is going to take what we say. The minute you hear a raised voice, a tone, or a snarky comment, stop and ask what's really going on. If you are paying attention, you can usually notice when someone is getting irritated or frustrated, even if the the sender isn't. By pausing to ask a question, we interrupt the negative cycle of escalation. 

You both get a chance to breathe and connect with your emotions. This resets the emotional tone of the conversation. Negative emotions are transferable and it takes real self-control to not get sucked in to someone's else's issues and react inappropriately.

Recently, I was at the hairdresser's getting a "do-over". I could tell the hairdresser was irritated by the tone of her voice so I said - calmly  - "You sound really irritated." Silence. She got it and immediately her demeanor and her tone changed. If I had not brought it to her attention, I would have put up with it for the rest of my visit. Nip negative emotions in the bud. 

For reflection 

Who is it that you have trouble communicating with? Which of these techniques could you try out today? What communication tips can you share with us? Do post a comment and let us know. 

If you enjoyed this post and would like to be a part of our community, enter your email address in the box provided. I'll also send you a copy of my new FREE e-guide entitled "How to Develop a Spiritual Practice". In it I share doable steps to looking inward and upward. 

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Stay tuned for more informational and inspirational posts so you can ignite the power within and discover YOUR destiny!

Keep looking up!

Ariel Paz

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All rights reserved. If you wish to use this material contact me at arielpaz08@gmail.com