How to Make a Huge Difference in Your Relationships

If you could do one thing that would improve the quality of your relationships in a big way, would you do it? Since we're talking about communication and relationships this month, I want to share some tips on how you might connect better with your loved ones. 

Research Says
Did you know people feel and experience love differently? According to Dr. Gary Chapman, author of the book series on the 5 love languages, there are five ways people experience being loved. Today, I am sharing on the second love language and how it can make a huge difference in your relationships.

Psychologist William James says that one of the deepest human needs is to feel appreciated. The second love language is words of affirmation. Many people experience love through positive words. These include but are not limited to: praise, encouragement, compliments, approval, and appreciation.

For the Guys 
Many men have a hard time expressing their feelings. In particular, saying those three little words "I love you". "Oh, she knows I love her. Look how hard I work for her," you might be saying to yourself. Guys, if words of affirmation is her love language, she needs to HEAR it from you directly, especially your mother. No woman gets tired of hearing these 3 little words. 

In the same way, she needs to hear "You are so beautiful!". Just be sure it is sincere and not overdone. I once dated a guy that told me I was beautiful so often, I actually got tired of hearing it because it seemed manipulative. Words of affirmation need to be sincere, from the heart and not overdone. 

For the Gals 
Same thing for you gals out there. The men in your life need your affirmation and acceptance as well.  He needs to HEAR how much you appreciate the things he does for you.
"Thank you for picking me up."
"I appreciate you watching the kids today."
"Thank you for taking care of dinner tonight".
"You look great in that suit."
"Your muscles are so sexy." 

"I appreciate you listening to me." 

"Thank you for putting gas in my car." 

Increase the Positive

Relationship psychologists say it takes 5 positive comments to make up for 1 critical comment. People often get a kick out of making fun and criticizing others. Listen to the comics on television and on stage. People pick up this habit and think it is funny but look how depressed many famous comedians are off-stage. Take Robin Williams as an example. 

When someone is insecure, they feel better about themselves when they make someone else feel less than. This may be funny to some, but no one wants to be put down. Negative comments can cause or open up wounds that have been trying to heal. If you want to see your relationships flourish, try being more affirming and less critical. Look for the positive. Everyone needs encouragement which is one of the reasons I write this blog - for you friend!

Just Zip it

It is easy in the heat of the moment to blurt out a harsh, mean, or critical comment. We justify our actions by blaming the other person, but ultimately WE are RESPONSIBLE for what comes out of our mouths, not anyone else. 

It is our responsibility to control our emotions and our actions. These days, it seems no one wants to be held accountable and everyone wants to judge. I'm sure you've heard the phrase "If you don't have anything nice to say, keep your mouth shut" or something like that. I still have work to do in this area, too. I like to give advice, give my opinion, judge another's choices. Smack me, would you? Each of us is responsible for our own decisions and our own lives. And each of us will reap the consequences of our decisions - good or bad. Sometimes we have to just let go and let God. 

It's Biblical 

The apostle James exhorts us to "Be quick to listen, slow to speak, and slow to get angry" James 1:19). When you feel yourself getting emotionally wrought up, take a breath, take a break, walk away and calm down before you say something you will regret later. Hurtful words said in the heat of the moment damage relationships and can never be taken back. 

Relationships are imperfect at best and some are smoother than others but there is always room for improvement. If someone you love is distant or cold and you don't understand why, try using more words of affirmation and see if you get different results.

 

Two good reminders about our speech come from Scripture.

Ephesians 4:29 encourages us in this regard: "Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths but only what is helpful in building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen." 

Colossians 4:6 says "Let your conversation be always full of grace, seasoned with salt, so that you may know how to answer everyone." Every year I choose a word or a scripture phrase to focus on for the year, this year, my word is Kindness. There is always room to come up higher in this area. Who can you be more kind to?

For Reflection

Who in your life could use some words of affirmation? When was the last time you said "I love you" or "I appreciate you." to your significant other or family member? What words can you use to encourage and uplift a friend or loved one? 

If you enjoyed this post and found it helpful, do let me know by leaving a comment. I appreciate your feedback. If you'd like to join our community enter your email address in the box provided. You'll receive my weekly posts plus a copy of my free ebook entitled "How to Develop a Spiritual Practice ". Do be sure to check out my offerings over on Pinterest. You'll find info on a plethora of topics. 

Until next time, give someone a compliment and remember, 

Keep looking up!

Ariel Paz

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All rights reserved. If you wish to use this material contact me at arielpaz08@gmail.com

Why Your Presence Is So Powerful

Relationships are interesting to say the least. We often wonder what makes someone tick. Why someone gets upset at something we said or did. People are an enigma. Yet there are some things we all have in common and one of them is the need for love. The problem is we all give and feel love in different ways. Today I am sharing on the fourth love language, according to well known author and speaker, Gary Chapman's book, The Five Love Languages. 

If you missed the previous posts on the other love languages, just do a search on my blog for "love languages. It is critical to understand both your love language(s) and that of the other person you are in relationship with. Often we show love to others the way we would like to be loved, but the other person might not receive love the same way.

The fourth love language is my personal love language and that is: quality time; spending one on one time with your mate, partner, son or daughter. If quality time is your primary love language, it doesn't matter what the activity is, just being together is what matters.

Gals like to do things like shop, get their nails done, go for a massage. They love it when their partner wants to join them in these things. Guys, on the other hand, like their partner to join them in the  physical activities they enjoy such as biking, hiking, skiing, rock climbing, motorcycle riding. I have also noticed that men who like to watch sports like their woman to be there with them while they are watching the big game as long as they don't chit chat while it's going on.

So, what to make of these differing realities? Yes, I understand that going for a manicure or a massage or watching a football game might not be something you would like to do for YOURSELF. However, we are not talking about pleasing yourself here. We are talking about loving THE OTHER PERSON. The question to ask is not "How am I going to please myself?" but "How can I please this person?"

Many women have a tendency to devote most of their time and energy to the kids, the house, and various other activities. By the end of the day, they have little time or energy to devote to their spouse who really needs her attention. Men have a tendency to put their jobs first, thinking that by working so much they are saying "Look how much I love you".  If your mate's primary love language is quality time, he or she is going to value your time together more than how many hours you put in at the office or taking care of the home and the kids.

So, friends, today, consider how much alone time are you spending with your loved one. If your relationship is faltering, plan an outing together, a picnic, a night on the town or even spend a quiet evening at home sharing a nice meal. If neither of you wants to cook, treat yourselves and order out. Connection if foundational to any relationship and who knows, you just may put the sparkle back in your love life!

If you enjoyed this post, stay tuned for more on finding healing, wholeness, health and harmony by joining our community. Enter your email address in the box provided and you'll receive my bi-weekly posts plus a copy of my free eguide, "7 Steps to Finding Your Spiritual Path". 

Stay tuned for more positive and practical wisdom to help you ignite the power within and discover YOUR destiny!

Until next time, keep looking up!

Ariel Paz 

Are You Speaking Your Mate's Love Language?

Who doesn't want to improve their close relationships? Healthy relationships thrive when there is good communication and that includes communicating love. What ways do you show love? More importantly, does your beloved actually feel loved? Are you speaking his or her love language?

In his book, "The Five Love Languages", Gary Chapman talks about the ways different people give and receive love. One way is through physical touch. This may be obvious to many, but others of us might not realize how important physical touch is. Perhaps we were not raised in a family where there was a lot of physical expression. Studies have shown that baby monkeys who are separated from their mothers at birth suffer severe problems. We all need physical touch in good amounts on a regular basis.

It could be as simple as putting a hand on someone's hand when they are distressed, or an arm around their shoulders when they are crying, or even a pat on the back to say "Well done". If a woman wants to get a man's attention when she's talking to him, she could try lightly touching his arm and then speaking. A man can console an emotional woman by simply taking her two hands in his and holding them. These are only a few examples of physical touch to express caring.

Hugging is another example. Just be sure it is done appropriately when hugging a woman - no close chest hugs- and be sure there is not a jealous husband or boyfriend around. Hugging is a universal act between the sexes and it is a simple but powerful way to communicate fondness. As a long time single, I remember getting an unexpected huge hug and a lift from a guy when I told him it was my birthday. It gave us both joy and made my day! Who can you hug today?

As a single who lives alone, I've realized how much I miss hugging and physical connection with my out of town family members.  Today, for example, I was at my doctor's office and I shared a quick synopsis of my personal story. When the visit was over, she gave me a hug. That simple act spoke mountains to me about her level of caring as a doctor, a woman, and a human being. I think by sharing my story, we connected in a deeper way.

If you have people and family around you and get hugged a lot, please don't take it for granted. Be thankful. Hug someone today who may not be as fortunate as you. Hugs are free but they can do a world of good to a lonely or a single person. We never know what other people are going through and not everyone has a large support network and singles, especially, need to feel loved.

Stay tuned for more on the five love languages. It will be transformative to your relationships.  In the meantime, experiment with physical touch and see how people respond. Share the love!

If this post was helpful, do join our community by entering your email address in the box provided. You'll receive my bi-weekly posts and a copy of my free eguide,  "7 Steps to Finding Your Spiritual Path".

Until next time, give someone a hug and remember,

Keep looking up!

 Ariel Paz

All rights reserved. If you would like to use this material, contact me at arielpaz08@gmail.com.

The Third Language of Love

Do you like to give gifts? Do you like to receive gifts? If so, your love language may be giving gifts.

Gift giving does not have to be expensive. Little things like a bouquet of flowers, a mug of his/her favorite coffee, perhaps a card or a note. Little things on a regular basis can certainly put the spark back in your relationship.

Giving gifts shows we are thinking about the other person, we care about them, and we made the time to purchase something we think they would like. Note that I said "purchase something we think they would like." Many people give gifts, but I have noticed that they are giving gifts THEY would LIKE. When purchasing a gift for someone, you really have to think about them as an individual - their tastes, their likes, their personality.

How often have you received a gift and thought "Why are they giving this to me?" A few years ago, someone gave me a green pin cushion as a birthday gift. I was perplexed. I don't have a sewing machine and I thought, either a) they were regifting it or b) they had no idea what else to get me. If you know someone well enough to feel comfortable giving them a gift, don't you have enough information to get them something they either like or could use?

If you are going to give a give, realize that it takes a bit of thought; that's what makes it special. I know the expression "It's the thought that counts" and that is true, but if you want your gift to be meaningful, it is important to make sure the recipient likes it.

Until next time, try giving your loved one a surprise gift and see their reaction. You may be tapping into a new source of closeness between the two of you!