Emotions are powerful. They can be our friend or our enemy. Problem is many of us don't know how to process them in a healthy productive way. Today's post is about anger - perhaps the most powerful and dangerous emotion. Take a look around or watch the evening news to see plentiful examples of people who can't manage their anger.
We tend to either externalize or internalize our anger We take out our frustrations on others or on ourselves. We over-react to minor situations, use substances to assuage our feelings, alienate ourselves from loved ones, or my all time favorite - NOT - resort to passive aggressive behavior. In this post, we will discuss the emotion of anger and how to identify if we or someone we know has an unresolved anger issue.
Think about the last time you had a very strong reaction to a situation or a person. To get you started here are a few typical scenarios to consider:
1: You're in driving in the car and someone lays on the horn, tailgates you, or flips you the bird.
2: Your boss yells at you on a Friday afternoon
3: A loved one makes a comment and you fly off the handle.
4: You're at a restaurant and the food is taking forever to arrive. You've lost track of time because you are in deep conversation and realize it's been over 25 minutes.
Anger is a normal human emotion. We feel angry for a reason, but sometimes the reason we are angry is not the reason we think. Emotions are transferable. Many times, we explode at someone when really we are angry at someone else. This is called "transference". Instead of confronting the true source of our anger, we take it out on some other innocent party.
Some signs we are angry are:
1) we raise our voice
2) we have a strong physical reaction
3) over-reacting to small things
4) venting to anyone who will listen
5) engaging in excessive or harmful behaviors
6) feeling disconnected from ourselves or others
When we catch ourselves doing any of the above, chances are there is something going on beneath the surface that needs to be addressed. Often, the current situation gets blown out of proportion and the real problem goes detected. Here's a personal story to give you an example of what I'm talking about.
Many years ago, when my oldest son was still in college, I was in bed reading a book when he walks in on a weekend visit. . A little background here, my son is brilliant. He has what his teachers call a photographic memory. He never really had to study much in high school and aced all his exams with little effort.
"Hey, Ma, how you doing?"
"I'm fine. What's up? You look a little down," I observed.
"Yeah, I didn't do so well on my exam today," my oldest darling replied in a dejected tone.
"Oh, sorry to hear that. Do you think you studied enough?" Hint to parents: wrong thing to say. Better to say "So why might that be?"
"I'm leaving," he announced, slamming the door as he bolted out of the house.
Wow! Wonder why he reacted like that. It was a simple question. Little did I know, but I hit the nail on the head, as they say, and he wasn't ready to accept the truth of the situation.
Several months later, I found out the real reason for the sudden display of anger. My son had lost his scholarship by not keeping his grades up and paying more attention to his fraternity brothers than to his studies. A pretty good reason to be mad.
What to do
Unfortunately, in this busy world of ours, we often lose connection with ourselves and our emotions. Days can go by before we realize we are angry about something. The key is to slow down our lives so that we can stay present with ourselves. I find mornings and evenings before I retire good times to check in with myself. Some questions we can ask ourselves are:
"What am I feeling right now?"
"Am I angry?"
"Who am I angry at?"
Some of us explode at the drop of a hat and others of us, like myself, minimize our feelings. Feelings are messengers. They are not meant to be ignored. They have valuable information to provide. We do ourselves a disservice when we ignore, suppress, or minimize our feelings.
Remember, anger is a signal that there is an issue that needs to be addressed. It is not something to be ignored, denied or ashamed of. It is also not an excuse to act out. "Be angry, but sin not," it says in scripture.
Do let me know if this post was helpful by leaving a comment below. If you'd like to receive my bi-weekly posts, enter your email in the box provided. You'll also receive a copy of my free e-guide entitled "7 Steps to Finding Your Spiritual Path".
Until next time, keep looking up!
Ariel Paz
Showing posts with label anger management. Show all posts
Showing posts with label anger management. Show all posts
Tuesday, July 10, 2018
Wednesday, March 4, 2015
What to Do When You're Mad at Your Partner
Your boyfriend, spouse, significant other, good friend or loved one said or did something that hurt your feelings, let you down, or angered you in some way. Or perhaps you have had a misunderstanding or difference of opinion and you sense something is not quite right between the two of you. What do you do?
a) say nothing and secretly simmer
b) blast the person right then and there
c) if married, tell your spouse you have a headache that night or use some other passive-aggressive approach such as not returning phone calls or declining invites
d) end the relationship or distance yourself from that person
e) wait for your emotions to simmer down, think through what you want to communicate, and then bring up the subject as soon as possible
The best answer, of course, is e which is known as healthy confrontation. This post is a crash course in confrontations skills which will:
1) give you a healthier attitude towards confrontation,
2) teach you some basic skills and
3) encourage you to deal with small issues before they become major problems which could cause you to lose a good friendship or relationship.
Confrontation has gotten a bad rap. I often hear people say "I try to avoid confrontation," like it is the flu or something. I don't think they realize confrontation is a healthy behavior, designed to preserve a relationship. The term "confront" means "face to face". In other words, to be direct with the other person. Why then are so many people hesitant about confronting an issue?
The reason, I think, is two-fold: a) they are afraid of bringing up a touchy subject and b) they lack the skills to be able to handle conflict. Here is a personal story.
The other day in the gym, I ran into a neighbor. This neighbor and I had made plans to get together twice this year and both times she has cancelled at the last minute with little explanation. Now I know things come up, and if someone has a legitimate reason, I am very understanding. However, after two occurrences, I felt it was time to say something. My neighbor had no recollection whatsoever of having previously cancelled, tried to justify herself and got defensive :( This was not what I had hoped for, but when we confront someone for the first time, we don't know how the other party will react. People have to be at a certain emotional maturity level to be able to handle confrontation properly.I was hoping for a response along the lines of "I'm so sorry I had to cancel again. I know it was disappointing to you. I hope you can forgive me." Now that would be taking responsibility and letting the other person know you care about their feelings.
Contrary to popular belief, the goal of confrontation is to preserve relationships. When we make the effort to address issues, we allow the opportunity for the air to be cleared, for changes and amends to be made and for the relationship to grow. It is a win-win for both parties. Unfortunately, many people lack the skills to address confrontation and avoid it altogether. The consequences are ugly and we end up losing a friendship that could have been preserved by a straight-forward and honest tete-a-tete.
What happens when we do not deal with issues? Hard feelings eventually build up and we tend to explode over some other minor infraction because we have not dealt with the real issue. I have seen numerous 30-yr plus marriages and long-time friendships disintegrate because issues were allowed to build up over the years. Then one day, the deeply offended party decides to suddenly end the relationship leaving other party is stunned and clueless. You've heard of situations like this, right? So sad.
You have probably heard the adage "Do not let the sun go down on your anger," and this is wise advice. When we harbor negative feelings we only harm ourselves. Chances are we will not have a good night's sleep. Many couples stay up all night trying to resolve an issue. My experience is this: issues cannot always be resolved right away. If more than an hour has gone by, it is time to give the subject a rest and come back to it another time. Obviously, you are at an impass and it is time to take a break.
Some tips to keep in mind when dealing with sensitive issues:
1. wait till the hurt of the injury has subsided before attempting to address the problem
2. address issues in a timely manner, before you explode, over-react or decide to end the relationship
3. do not allow too much time to go by or the other person may forget what happened
4. avoid sweeping problems "under the rug"
5. gently speak to the other person at a time when you are both relaxed, face to face if at all possible. Consider the amount of stress you both may be under.
In order to have a good outcome, both parties must be mature enough and have the desire to want to work through the problem in order to restore the peace and the relationship. My experience is after I work through a situation with someone, I am closer to that person. I appreciate their willingness to work through it together and that makes the relationship and the other person even more precious.
Which do you think is better: to continue to overlook things and store up hostility and then explode or to openly voice your feelings in a timely manner and get the matter out in the open? I'm interested in hearing your thoughts on this subject so please comment.
Here's to healthier and happier relationships, Hope these tips help you deal with those sticky issues. If you'd like to receive a copy of my free e-guide entitled "7 Steps to Finding Your Spiritual Path" enter your email address in the box provided. Until next time, keep looking up!
Ariel Paz
a) say nothing and secretly simmerb) blast the person right then and there
c) if married, tell your spouse you have a headache that night or use some other passive-aggressive approach such as not returning phone calls or declining invites
d) end the relationship or distance yourself from that person
e) wait for your emotions to simmer down, think through what you want to communicate, and then bring up the subject as soon as possible
The best answer, of course, is e which is known as healthy confrontation. This post is a crash course in confrontations skills which will:
1) give you a healthier attitude towards confrontation,
2) teach you some basic skills and
3) encourage you to deal with small issues before they become major problems which could cause you to lose a good friendship or relationship.
Confrontation has gotten a bad rap. I often hear people say "I try to avoid confrontation," like it is the flu or something. I don't think they realize confrontation is a healthy behavior, designed to preserve a relationship. The term "confront" means "face to face". In other words, to be direct with the other person. Why then are so many people hesitant about confronting an issue?
The reason, I think, is two-fold: a) they are afraid of bringing up a touchy subject and b) they lack the skills to be able to handle conflict. Here is a personal story.
The other day in the gym, I ran into a neighbor. This neighbor and I had made plans to get together twice this year and both times she has cancelled at the last minute with little explanation. Now I know things come up, and if someone has a legitimate reason, I am very understanding. However, after two occurrences, I felt it was time to say something. My neighbor had no recollection whatsoever of having previously cancelled, tried to justify herself and got defensive :( This was not what I had hoped for, but when we confront someone for the first time, we don't know how the other party will react. People have to be at a certain emotional maturity level to be able to handle confrontation properly.I was hoping for a response along the lines of "I'm so sorry I had to cancel again. I know it was disappointing to you. I hope you can forgive me." Now that would be taking responsibility and letting the other person know you care about their feelings.
Contrary to popular belief, the goal of confrontation is to preserve relationships. When we make the effort to address issues, we allow the opportunity for the air to be cleared, for changes and amends to be made and for the relationship to grow. It is a win-win for both parties. Unfortunately, many people lack the skills to address confrontation and avoid it altogether. The consequences are ugly and we end up losing a friendship that could have been preserved by a straight-forward and honest tete-a-tete.
What happens when we do not deal with issues? Hard feelings eventually build up and we tend to explode over some other minor infraction because we have not dealt with the real issue. I have seen numerous 30-yr plus marriages and long-time friendships disintegrate because issues were allowed to build up over the years. Then one day, the deeply offended party decides to suddenly end the relationship leaving other party is stunned and clueless. You've heard of situations like this, right? So sad.
You have probably heard the adage "Do not let the sun go down on your anger," and this is wise advice. When we harbor negative feelings we only harm ourselves. Chances are we will not have a good night's sleep. Many couples stay up all night trying to resolve an issue. My experience is this: issues cannot always be resolved right away. If more than an hour has gone by, it is time to give the subject a rest and come back to it another time. Obviously, you are at an impass and it is time to take a break.
Some tips to keep in mind when dealing with sensitive issues:
1. wait till the hurt of the injury has subsided before attempting to address the problem
2. address issues in a timely manner, before you explode, over-react or decide to end the relationship
3. do not allow too much time to go by or the other person may forget what happened
4. avoid sweeping problems "under the rug"
5. gently speak to the other person at a time when you are both relaxed, face to face if at all possible. Consider the amount of stress you both may be under.
In order to have a good outcome, both parties must be mature enough and have the desire to want to work through the problem in order to restore the peace and the relationship. My experience is after I work through a situation with someone, I am closer to that person. I appreciate their willingness to work through it together and that makes the relationship and the other person even more precious.
Which do you think is better: to continue to overlook things and store up hostility and then explode or to openly voice your feelings in a timely manner and get the matter out in the open? I'm interested in hearing your thoughts on this subject so please comment.
Here's to healthier and happier relationships, Hope these tips help you deal with those sticky issues. If you'd like to receive a copy of my free e-guide entitled "7 Steps to Finding Your Spiritual Path" enter your email address in the box provided. Until next time, keep looking up!
Ariel Paz
Subscribe to:
Comments (Atom)