7 Tips for Feeling Loved as a Single

Some questions should never be asked. "Why are you still single?" is one of them.

Hint: if you are married, NEVER ask this question of a single friend unless you no longer want to have them as a friend. As part of our series on relationships, today I am sharing some tips to encourage those of us who are single for whatever reason and at whatever age. 

Let's face it - we live in a couples' world. Everything is set up based on two people. This fact came home pretty hard this past week.

I received an offer in the mail for a free vacation, airfare and hotel, for two. Excitement started to percolate as I thought about the possibilities of where I would like to travel. I called the number on the letter, got all the information and decided I was willing to endure the 90 minute spiel to get the free tickets. It was about then that the marketer asks the question:

"Are you married or cohabitating?"

"No, I am not married or cohabitating," I replied.

"Well then, I apologize, but we cannot extend this offer to you. It's only for couples."

Bummer.

Now I know many married folks would love to be single again. However, as glamorous and exciting as it may seem, being single is not all that easy or glamorous. The full load of all life's responsibilities falls squarely on one person's shoulders and that is quite a hefty burden to bear. Take heart, friends.You are not alone and, as a long-time single, I am here to tell you it is possible to survive and thrive as a single regardless of whether Mr. or Ms. Right ever comes along. 

Below are 7 tips I've learned over the years that help me focus on the positives when my mind wants to focus on the negatives of the single life.

1. Be thankful for our singleness.
Yes, I know it is difficult at times, but as a happily divorced lady, I can tell you being single is a heck of a lot better than being in a bad marriage - by far! No relationship is worth losing your health or your peace and a bad relationship will steal both. The Apostle Paul was single and he endured some pretty rough times, but he was used mightily by God and I think that is one of the reasons God allows certain people to be single - to have the time to serve Him. Phil 4:11 says this: "I have learned to be content in whatever circumstances I am in."  Be thankful for your lot in life, whatever your circumstances and you will enjoy each day more and more. 

2. Remember how much God loves YOU.
One of the main keys to feeling truly loved no matter what our status is, is to realize how much God truly loves us.  Having been abandoned by loved ones more times than I wish to recall, I know now that God's love is unfailing. He shows me his love through friends, unexpected surprises, through his provision and through his grace. Yes, it hurts when people abandon us, but it doesn't have to crush us. People have their own issues to deal with. I've heard it said that hurting people hurt others. 

Instead of focusing on how much someone hurt you, realize they are acting out of their own hurts, fears, and insecurities. Now I am by no means implying anyone should put up with abusive behavior. Try focusing instead on how much God loves and cares for you. Look for the blessings in your life. I say "Thank you, Lord" quite a lot these days. No matter who walks out of your life, God will always be right by your side and he will send someone to be there for you as well. 

3.  Remember that God has a plan for each of us.
Sometimes it takes years for God's plan to be revealed. Honestly, I think it has a lot to do with the lessons we each need to learn and how long it takes us to learn them. Discover your gifts and begin using them for the glory of God to serve other people. We each have gifts and when we get out of our self-centered selves to focus on other people's needs, we will be filled with joy, purpose, and have less time to have a pity party.

4. Make space.
Clean out your house, your garage, your closets. Get counseling to get rid of your old emotional baggage. Develop a spiritual practice. In other words, get rid of all the material and emotional clutter.  Many singles I know are out every night of the week partying or working so much they have no time to heal themselves so they will be ready for a significant other. If you want God to bring you a partner, you best heal yourself first and then make sure you have the time and energy to devote to him or her.

5. Don't settle.
Now I know many of you, gals in particular, feel like the clock is ticking. Every time some guy asks me how old my kids are I think "Here we go again...". I tell them straight up. I don't believe in hiding information. The truth is going to come out sooner or later and better to deal with issues up front than after you become emotionally attached. Mr. Right will love you for who YOU are and accept your kids whole-heartedly. If he doesn't then he is not your Mr. Right. Next!

6. Trust God's timing.
It's easy to take things into our own hands and try to make things happen on our own timetable. I tried that when I was approaching my 50th birthday. I had a goal to be engaged by the time I was 50, but the guy I was dating at the time turned out to be a liar and a jealous jerk. I broke up with him right before the big bash. When the DJ at my party asked why I was not dating anyone since I "had it all", I answered "Life is too short for drama and conflict." He agreed. 

God sees the big picture for your life. He is working behind the scenes preparing other people. Focus on healing yourself and becoming the best person you can be. The more issues you clear out of the way beforehand, the smoother your relationship with Mr/Ms Right will be when they show up. 

7. Realize singleness is a blessing, not a curse. 
Not everyone can handle being single. Singleness requires a lot of faith, strength, confidence, and responsibility. It takes guts and courage. Singleness is not something to be ashamed of, it is something to be proud of. Singleness is a gift from God. Not everyone can handle the responsibilities of singlehood. 

There are a lot of married folk out there who would love to be single and have the freedom we singles enjoy. We can cook or not cook. We can come home to a quiet peaceful, clean house. We don't have to deal with another person's moods and fits. We have the whole bed to ourselves. We have more time to be a blessing to others and to pursue our personal and spiritual growth. Not a bad lot, I'd say. 

For Reflection:

Are you longing to be married? Do you think something is wrong with you because you are not? What can you focus on to make yourself a better you? Who can you reach out to serve?

Life is about growing and learning to love and serve others and there are plenty of opportunities to do both regardless of whether we are married or single. Often we think another person will make us happy and complete our lives, but this is simply not true. We must make ourselves happy. Don't put that burden on someone else.

I hope this post helped give you a different perspective on relationships and singleness. Pass it along to one of your single friends and consider joining our community by entering your email address in the box provided.  You'll receive my weekly posts and a copy of my free, newly revised ebook entitled "7 Steps to Finding Your Spiritual Path". 

No matter what our marital status may be, each day is a gift so live and enjoy it to the max and remember to be a blessing!

Stay tuned for more igniting the power within and discovering YOUR destiny!

Until next time, keep looking up!

Ariel Paz

All rights reserved. If you wish to use this material, contact me at arielpaz08@gmail.com

4 Stages of Attraction: What Makes a Man Attractive to a Woman

Frustrated with the dating scene? Tired of not being able to connect with someone? The problem is the same for both sexes so a bit of education might be helpful. Last week, we talked about the four stages of attraction for men. This week I'm going to share the four stages of attraction that women go through when they meet a man. They are indeed very different from the order in which men are attracted to women so let's go ahead and find out what they are.

Level #1:Romantic and Emotional Level

Whereas men are first attracted visually to a woman, women are usually attracted to some aspect of who a man is or something about his demeanor. It could be his smile, the way he says her name, the level of success he has achieved. Just as physical chemistry is the first and lowest level of attraction for men, romantic/emotional chemistry is the first and lowest level for a woman. This is why men often go the cards and flowers route early on in the relationship. They know women are emotional beings, but speaking from personal experience, these gestures however lovely and romantic they may be, often disguise a less than desirable character and low-self-esteem. Many times women mistake romance for true chemistry when in fact, this is only the first level.

Level #2: Mental Attraction

Yes, women are attracted to a man's mind, his intelligence and his intellect. The more intelligent and intellectual a woman is, if a man is not on the same level as she, this will not be a good match in the long run. What kinds of subjects does he like to talk about? Education comes into play here. A highly-educated woman will not be happy with a man with a high school education. They will be unable to communicate on the same level and it will be frustrating for both. They will also not be able to resolve conflicts and misunderstandings easily.

Level #3: Physical Attraction

Some women are attracted at the physical level first. These are usually the younger women, those on the rebound, and those who have not matured emotionally. Strong physical attraction is actually a red flag. This can blind a woman to a man's real character and she can wind up being very hurt. The wise woman will enjoy the romantic gestures and the physical attraction but will not be swept up by it. She will guard her heart until she gets to know a man's personality and character. A woman who keeps herself in shape usually is attracted to men who are in good physical shape as well, but there are exceptions sometimes.

Level #4:Soul Attraction

When a woman feels attraction and chemistry at the three previous levels, she is then ready to fall in love and move into soul attraction. When she likes who a man is, can interact with him at the same level, and finds him physically attractive, she is then open to falling in love with this man. If she accepts him as he is and can love him unconditionally, she will feel that this is the man she is meant to be with. There will be a deep connection at the soul level.

Questions to Ponder:
Everyone I've asked agrees there must be chemistry for a relationship to work. It's either there or it's not. Don't try to make it happen. What about the concept of a soul mate? Do you believe there is such a thing and if so, do you believe there is only one person right for you? If so, how do you know? For more on dating and attraction, check out John Gray's book, "Venus and Mars on a Date."

Love to hear your thoughts on this topic so please post a comment.  If you'd like to join our community and receive my weekly posts, enter your email in the box to the right. You'll also receive a copy of my free e-guide entitled "7 Steps to Finding Your Spiritual Path".

Stay tuned for more on igniting the power within and discovering YOUR DESTINY!
Until next time, keep looking up!

Ariel Paz

4 Practical Ways to Enjoy Better Relationships

Great relationships don't just happen. Like your golf game, they take a lot of time and effort to improve. Life seems to be rolling along just fine, and suddenly you hit a bump in the road. People mess up. We say hurtful things, betray a trust, overreact, and manipulate to get our needs met. We turn to passive-aggressive behaviors instead of dealing with issues up front. Often, we are clueless how deeply our words and actions affect others. So why do we act like this?

Our ego and insecurities get in the way of healthy and respectful communication which prevents us from enjoying the close relationships we so desire.  It is tough to be on the receiving end of mistreatment but we are called to love another while setting appropriate boundaries.

After enduring many painful experiences, I realized I can't just give up on people. We all have our flaws so I dug into the subject and today I am sharing 4 ways to help us enjoy better relationships.

1. Learn to confront
Confrontation has gotten a bad rap, but when we use the term in regards to relationships, to confront simply means to come face to face. According to psychologists and relationship experts, John Townsend and Henry Cloud, confrontation is a skill we can all learn to preserve relationships by addressing issues with one another. For more on this, check out their book "Boundaries: Face to Face".

Rather than dumping people because our anger or frustration has reached the max, a better way is to confront the issue at hand and give the other person a chance to change their ways.

I once had a very close friend who called me up one day in a tizzy of frustration over something in our friendship. We had hit a bump in the road. I was trying to understand her concerns but she would have none of it. Then she blurts out this hurtful statement: "From now on, we are just acquaintances." I was stunned, shocked, and very hurt. Where was my chance to change? Why hadn't she said anything to me before? People are not mind-readers: not husbands, not boyfriends, and certainly not girlfriends. Unless we take the time to confront the issue, the other person is probably going on about their business clueless. One thing to remember in confronting, is to do it before you blow your stack or sever the relationship. This takes courage, skill, and maturity but it is a skill worth learning.

2. Learn to apologize
When someone confronts us with a problem, we need to be able to offer a sincere apology and offer to make amends. Some people think if they utter a perfunctory "I'm sorry", everything is hunky dory and they are ready to move on. Not quite so fast! The offender must take the time to understand and take responsibility for the pain he or she has caused the other person. They also need to make amends in some way. An apology is only the first step in reconciling the relationship and people receive apologies in different ways. For more on how to apologize, check out this insightful book, "The 5 Languages of Apology" by Gary Chapman.

3. Be willing to change our behavior
When we are confronted with an issue, the ball is our court so to speak. It is up to us to decide:

a) do we want to maintain the relationship and if we do,
b) understand what we have done that has hurt the other person and
c) are we willing to change our behavior and attitudes

This takes putting ourselves in their shoes. It also takes swallowing our pride and admitting our behavior needs to change. Personal story.

I once dated this guy, who was a strong Christian, went to church, read the Bible, the whole nine yards. But he had a jealousy problem. We would argue until the wee hours of the night about situations.

During these heated discussions he would resort to unfair and hurtful tactics such as demanding gifts be returned, name-calling, etc. When I expressed how hurtful his actions were, he would invariably apologize, but it wouldn't be long before we'd be at it again. Finally I had had enough of this behavior and told him so. His response was "What ever happened to forgiveness?"

Talk about the guilt trip. I had forgiven him umpteen times so my response to him was "What ever happened to repentance?" Repentance is the biblical term for changing one's behavior. In order to achieve harmonious and enduring relationships, we need to be willing to deal with our fears and insecurities, so we can clearly see how our behavior is impacting the other party and make the necessary changes. When we truly care about the relationship, we will put loving the other person above our ego and pride.

4. Learn to forgive
Forgiveness is a process that seems to be misunderstood by many. True forgiveness is really a two part process: forgiveness and restoration or reconciliation. Forgiveness means letting go of the need to get back at the other person. It means surrendering our hurt and pain to God, and giving the relationship another chance. Forgiveness is for both our well-being and the well-being of the other person. It frees the offender from the toxicity of shame. The words "I forgive you" can do wonders for the healing.

Restoration or reconciliation cannot occur until the offender has demonstrated changes in his or her behavior. It is folly to continue to allow someone back into our lives, when they have given us no indication that they have changed. This process applies to people with addiction or anger issues as well. Repeated patterns indicate an unwillingness to change for whatever reason. Forgiveness gives the offender a chance to redeem himself and we demonstrate our faith in them to do so.

To summarize, harmonious relationships don't just happen. There will always be bumps in the relationship road, but I hope that these 4 tips have given you some tools to navigate the potholes we inevitably encounter. When we have the courage to confront and the willingness to change and to forgive, we can enjoy the relationships we all desire.

If this post has helped you, please leave a comment. If you'd like to join our community enter your email address in the box provided. In addition to my weekly emails, you'll also receive a copy of my free guide "7 Steps to Finding Your Spiritual Path",

Stay tuned for more on how to enjoy better relationships and until next time,

Keep looking up!

Ariel Paz

Understanding Relational Conflict

Relationships can be heaven or hell. Most of them are somewhere in between. Things can be going along swimmingly when out of the blue, we hit a rough patch. It's like when your car hits black ice - you didn't see it coming; you feel fearful and out of control.

Conflict in relationships can make us feel the same way: fearful and out of control. We fear losing something we value often our self-respect or the relationship. We don't know what to do and we often say things we regret in the heat of the moment. Yet, conflict is actually a good thing and today we'll be discussing how and why we hit these potholes.

First, a short story to illustrate.

A just-married couple was at the grocery store buying food for a cookout. The husband wanted the ground beef and the wife wanted the pre-made patties. Gridlock. Why? Because they were experiencing a conflict of values. He valued economy. She valued convenience.

The really difficult relational battles arise over differences in values. Values are deeply-held beliefs that have developed over time and are ingrained in our thinking. We do not change them easily. We can look at the global battles of history to see more extreme examples.The Germans valued blond hair and blue eyes which led to the extermination of millions of innocent people.

The key to resolving conflict is to identify the core values being threatened. This takes patience, self-control, and open communication. Sometimes emotional reactions occur  because someone feels disrespected, unloved, or unheard. An emotional reaction is a flag to let us know we have touched on something deeply personal.

If we can keep our emotions under control, but not deny or repress them, we will able to navigate conflict more calmly and rationally. Emotional outbursts only serve to escalate an already heated situation.

If someone truly cares about you and the relationship, they will make the effort to communicate and be honest with how they are feeling. Authenticity is key to any healthy relationship.

So here to recap are 5 keys to resolving those difficult relationship conflicts:
1. Understand your values
2. Understand the values of the other party
3. Keep your emotions under control
4. Communicate in a respectful way
5. Decide together on a win-win solution

I have found that once people feel heard, understood, and respected, a resolution can be achieved.

If this post was helpful, consider joining our blog community. Enter your email address in the box provided and you'll receive my weekly posts as well as a copy of my free eguide "7 Steps to Finding Your Spiritual Path". 

Stay tuned for more positive and practical wisdom to help you find healing, wholeness, health, and harmony!

Until next time, keep looking up!

Ariel Paz

The #1 Problem in Relationships and How to Solve It

Relationships can be heavenly, hellish, or somewhere in between. Ask anyone who's been happily married for years or who has been through a bitter divorce. The problem extends not only to married relationships but to all relationships as well.

The question researchers have pondered for years is: what is the difference between a happily married couple who enjoys intimacy, warmth, and loving kindness versus an unhappy, unfulfilled relationship where each partner feels alone and unloved. The findings from an intensive study at Stanford University might give us a clue.

According to a study of 1500 people by associate professor, Dr. David Burns, the primary disparity between happily married partners and unhappy, dissatisfied couples boils down to this: whether  or not and to what degree partners take responsibility for their actions or play the "blame and shame" game with each other.

Some people have difficulty taking responsibility for themselves and the difficult situations they find themselves in. When faced with difficult situations due to their own poor choices, rather than turn the mirror inward, these people, who often have a narcissistic tendency to begin with,  blame their situations on another person, typically the one closest to them. They have incorrectly associated taking responsibility with being "wrong".

To these folks, admitting their part is akin to admitting guilt or defeat. It stems from an unrealistic self-image. As children, at some level, these people have learned that admitting responsibility equates to admitting guilt, shame, and self-reproach. They cannot assume responsibility without also assuming they are fundamentally bad people. Nothing could be further from the truth.

Jesus said this: "There is no condemnation in Christ Jesus," (Romans 8:1). We are all human and we all make mistakes. It is both unhealthy and unwise to be so hard on ourselves that we think of ourselves as bad to the core. We must unlearn this faulty thinking. Accept the fact that none of us is perfect and that we will make mistakes. Forgive ourselves but also accept responsibility for our choices, attitudes, and behaviors. Only then can we enjoy healthy, happy, relationships with one another and stop the "blame and shame" game. 

True love feels safe to explore and admit one's weaknesses. We have the freedom to admit our faults without fear of being judged or criticized. When we are loved and accepted for who we are, we have the courage to face ourselves squarely in the mirror and make the necessary adjustments. There is little talk of who is right or wrong. It is a step forward in the process of self-awareness and personal growth.

In what situations today do you feel blamed or shamed? Or are you the one doing the blaming and refusing to accept responsibility for your actions? The answer is to understand no one on earth can love us perfectly. It is only when we accept the unconditional love of God and understand how much he loves each of us uniquely can we feel truly affirmed, accepted, and loved.

If this post resonated with you, please consider joining our community. Enter your email address in the box provided and you will receive my weekly posts plus my free eguide "7 Steps to Finding Your Spiritual Path". 

Stay tuned for more practical and positive wisdom and until next time, keep looking up!


 Ariel Paz

All rights reserved. If you wish to use this material, contact me at arielpaz08@gmail.com

How to Have More Love in Your Life

It's February and the month of one of my favorite holidays, Valentine's Day. My son says every holiday is my favorite, perhaps that's because I associate holidays with love, in some way, shape, or form.

Are you waiting for love? Wondering why your friends are all married and you're not? Tired of the singles' scene and staying home alone on the weekends? Take heart, dear one, you're not alone and I have some advice to share with you. Now Ann Landers, I'm not, but I have learned some stuff along my journey to faith. When it comes to waiting for love - STOP WAITING! Love is all around you. Open your eyes and see it. Open your heart and feel it. Love often comes in unexpected forms and sometimes we have to step out in faith to experience it.

This past weekend, for example, I braved the snowy Baltimore weather to go country dancing about 30 miles from home. My mother would have had a fit, but I was bound and determined not to stay home two weekend nights in a row. After inviting several friends to join me, I made up my mind to go alone. "I'm going to trust God to get me there safely and provide people to dance with."

"Well, what are you doing here tonight?" was the enthusiastic greeting when I walked in. "You braved the weather!"
"Yes, I did," I said smiling after my 50 minute drive in the snow. I try to live by faith and not by fear, as most of you already know. And God rewards faith. Not only did I arrive safely, some great dance partners showed up and I was in heaven the entire evening, especially when they played one of my favorite songs, "Pontoon", and I was out on the floor dancing with a wonderful partner.

The moral of the story is this: stop waiting for love. Go out and find happiness. Be with people you enjoy being around. Do what you love to do. Smile. Love is giving, caring, and sharing. Do that and basically, BE LOVE.

You'll soon find out that once you start giving and sharing love, it will come back to you many fold.

If you'd like to join our community and receive my weekly encouraging posts, enter your email address in the box provided. You'll also receive a copy of my free e-guide entitled "7 Steps to Finding Your Spiritual Pat. 

Until next time, send me all the little ways you show love to others and I'll post them. Stay tuned for more positive and practical wisdom so you can ignite the power within and discover YOUR destiny!

As always, keep looking up!

Ariel Paz

How to Enjoy More Freedom in Your Relationships

Do you feel frequently offended? Do you have expectations of how people should behave? I know I do and you probably do as well although we may not be aware of these unspoken expectations. Today's post is about revisiting our personal "rules" so we can enjoy more peace and less stress in our relationships and in our lives.

We each have a set of personal rules that dictate how we interact with and judge others. Our "rules" also determine how we view ourselves and the world. We get peeved because our notion of how things "should" be is not always in line with how things really are. These personal rules are established over time according to our beliefs and values. Some rules are healthy and reasonable, while others are quite silly or no longer useful. Here's a personal example.

As a long time single, I have had a rule that said "If someone wants to see me over the weekend, he needs to call me by Wednesday" so I can plan. The problem with this rule is most men don't plan. They wing things. If the fancy strikes them, they pick up the phone. Several guys have called me at 4 or 5 pm on a Saturday to see if I was free that evening. I was insulted but I accepted!

When we expect others to behave in a certain way, we set ourselves up for disappointment. As a woman in the business world, I learned to expect email and phone call replies within 2 business days. The problem I encountered with many of my school teacher friends was they didn't abide by this protocol. It took me a while to figure out the problem, but when I did, I had much more compassion and was less frustrated with them.

Often, we live by these unspoken personal rules and expectations but we are unaware of how they are impacting our lives and the lives of others. Here are some areas to review from time to time:
   - dating rules
   - housecleaning rules
   - relationship rules
   - parenting rules
   - friendship rules

Is my rule reasonable? How does my rule affect the other person? Is this rule helpful or unnecessary? What may have served us at one time may not be serving us today.

The key to remember is that love is freedom. When we love, we allow the other person to be free to be themselves. We do not require them to conform to our rules or expectations. No one likes to be controlled or manipulated. I know I don't. If we want more harmony in our lives, we would do well to reevaluate rules that cause disconnection or division.

If you enjoyed this post or found it helpful, please click the +1 icon. Feel free to forward to a friend or leave a comment. If you'd like to join our community and receive my bi-weekly posts, enter your email in the box provided. You'll also receive my free eguide entitled "7 Steps to Finding Your Spiritual Path". 

Until next time, stay tuned for more practical and spiritual wisdom so you can ignite the power within and discover YOUR destiny!

Keep looking up!

Ariel Paz

7 Practical Steps to Enjoying More Rewarding Relationships

Ever feel like you're repeating the same problems over and over, either with the same person or with different people? It's so frustrating! I've learned when this happens, there is a lesson I have not learned. Conflict, although not pleasant, is actually a good thing. It is a sign that something is not working in a relationship. If you missed Part 1 of this message, check out my post entitled "5 Benefits of Dealing with Conflict".

Conflict resolution is a skill we learn as we go. It is not something taught in school, unfortunately, but we learn in the school of life. I think they should make it part of the curriculum. I bet we'd have a lot less divorces.

Studies show that couples who are able to resolve conflict are the ones who are able to maintain their marriages. Relationship expert, John Gottman, talks about this in his book "The 7 Principles for Making Marriage Work". 

Here are 7 practical steps to help you deal with conflict and enjoy more rewarding relationships.

1. Pay Attention to your Feelings
It's taken me years to get in touch with my feelings. My mother always told me I was "too sensitive". I learned to push them down and ignore them which is both unhealthy and unproductive. Our feelings are trying to send us a message to help and to guide us. If we ignore what we are feeling, we don't receive the message, miss the message and worse, end up making poor decisions we later regret.

At age 20, I ignored the warning signs my body and spirit were sending me and plunged into an emotionally unhealthy and abusive marriage that lasted 15 ugly years. This is what can happen when we ignore our feelings and our gut.

2. Address issues 
When we address issues in our interpersonal relationships, we get them out on the table in plain sight. In other words, we bring light to the darkness. Rather than avoid issues and sweep them "under the rug", it is much healthier to deal with them upfront. It is an opportunity for the wounded party to express their feelings and for the other party to change or make amends. Anger often builds because we do not understand why the other person is acting in a certain way. Communication and discussion lead to understanding which is a key component of resolving differences and preserving healthy relationships.

3. Express Your Feelings 
Sometimes we are aware of the behavior we want the other person to change and we focus on that, but we forget to explain how the person's behavior makes us feel. Experts instruct us to use "I feel...." statements when we are bringing up issues. "You always..." statements are blaming and unproductive.  "I" statements do not indicate self-centeredness. Using the "I" formation keeps us focused on what we are feeling rather than what the other person is doing. The objective is to not put the other person on the defensive. The goal is to communicate and work as a team to resolve the problem. Sadly, this is something many people are not aware of.

4. Recognize when you're at an impasse 

Conflict, tension, and anger all tell us that there is a problem in the relationship that needs to be addressed. If we continue to have the same discussion  over and over again and nothing changes, we are at an impasse.  Don't keep hitting your head against the wall by trying to discuss the same issue over and over. We have no control over whether another person is ready or willing to receive the message we are trying to pass. If time goes on and you're not seeing any changes or progress,

This means either:
1) the other person is not willing to change or
2) the other person is unable to change. They are not at a level of maturity that enables them to be able to change.

If someone truly cares for you and wants to preserve the relationship, he or she will make a reasonable effort to change.

5. Give It Some Space
When we are at an impasse, it is time to take a break from the relationship whatever way you can. If you don't live with the person, don't call them or visit them. I don't care who it is. Parents and children are not exempt from this. Do not feel guilty. You are taking steps to preserve the relationship and your sanity since the other person is not budging. One caveat is we don't know how the other person is going to respond. He or she may completely sever the relationship, but this is out of your control. This means they didn't value it enough in the first place, so you have lost nothing really.

6. Grieve the Loss 
This is not an easy pill to swallow. Close relationships are precious. When they don't work out, it is painful and grieving is a necessary part of the process. Allow yourself to feel your grief. It is sad. It is painful. But remember, it will pass. You will move past this.

At some point, you will realize the relationship was not healthy in the first place. Be gentle with yourself during this time and don't be quick to rush into another relationship just because you miss the other person and feel lonely. Give yourself time to heal and to reflect on what could have been done differently on your end so you can move forward in a more healthy manner.

7. Let it Go
There's a song by Sting that says "If you love somebody, set them free". Enjoy the video. This is probably the most loving thing we can do is to stop trying to get another person to change. The only person we can change is ourselves. We may be at a level to be able to address conflict maturely, but the other person may not.

Now I am not saying I have this all down perfectly. I struggle with some things in this area as well but one of the reasons I write these posts is to help me remember these lessons too.

I hope this post has encouraged you and given you some practical ways to address conflict in your relationships. If you enjoyed this post and would like to join our growing community, enter your email address in the box provided. You'll also receive a copy of my free e-guide entitled "7 Steps to Finding Your Spiritual Path".

Stay tuned for more on how to find healing, wholeness, and harmony in your life and your relationshps so you can discover your destiny and live the life you deserve.

Until next time, keep looking up!

Ariel Paz

The 4 Stages of Attraction: What Makes a Woman Attractive to a Man

Single? Divorced? Widowed? Searching for your soulmate? You're not alone. According to recent reports, there are more than 100 million single Americans. Yet, it's not so easy to find someone you're attracted to, much less compatible with. If you're single, male or female, this post is dedicated to helping the sexes understand what makes us attractive in the eyes of the beholder.

The dating scene can be intimidating but the good news is we can educate ourselves on how we are attracted to the opposite sex so we make more informed choices as to whom we decide to date. Did you know that there are different stages we go through when we are first attracted to someone? What's more, men are attracted at different stages than women. Today's post is dedicated to helping singles understand the four levels of attraction for men. Next time we'll take a look at the four stages for women and be assured, they are not in the same order.

Stage #1: Physical Attraction

We all know that men are visual creatures so it comes as no surprise to learn that guys are attracted at the physical level. This is the first and lowest level of attraction. Young men and even a more mature man on the rebound are attracted at this level. This is stage 1 for a man.

Stage 2: Emotional Attraction

This has to do with a woman's personality; how she relates to the world and others. Some men like a woman with a bubbly personality, others prefer the more quiet type. Some experts say opposites attract when it comes to personality, and from my experience, this could be true in many cases. The question a man asks himself is "Can I be friends with this woman?"

Stage 3: Mental Attraction

When a man takes the time to learn how a woman thinks, feels, and conducts her life, he has reached the third stage of attraction. He is attracted by her character and not just by her body. He will be attracted to the way she thinks, and how she handles the situations of life.

Stage 4: Soul Attraction

You realize this person has what you need to grow. After all, growth is what relationships are ultimately about - the growth of the two individuals and the pair as a unit. The man feels this person is the "One" he is meant to be with for his soul to grow. At this level, a man's heart must be open and he must be willing to fall in love. The ultimate goal of a healthy relationship is to help the other person grow.

Has this post resonated with you? What are your thoughts about these four stages? Are they true for you? It is important for both sexes to understand how men come to fall in love. Next time, we'll talk about the four stages women go through to fall in love which is very different from the order for men.

Stay tuned for more on relationships, dating, and singleness this month.

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Until next time, keep looking up!

Ariel Paz

10 Signs You're in the Wrong Relationship

Relationships can be a dream or a nightmare and it can be very difficult to navigate the dating waters. This may explain why the number of single Americans continues to grow. Did you know that singles comprise over half of the United States population?

Some 124.6 million Americans were single in August, 2014. Now that is quite an impressive statistic. As a long-time divorced lady, I have some experience with what can possibly go wrong in a relationship. Sometimes, we miss the obvious "red flags" because we are a) lonely b)already smitten or c)clueless. As they say, love is blind. So in an attempt to remove the blindfold, and keep my fellow single friends from going through unnecessary pain and angst, today I am going to share 10 signs  you may be in the wrong relationship. I am writing from a woman's point of view, but many of these signs can just as well apply to women for my male readers.

1. The guy never has money to pay your way.
You are a treasure, a gift, and your presence deserves to be honored. If a guy always asks you to pay your own way, he may not be able to afford his rent much less you. Time to move on.

2. Your partner tells "little white lies".
I'm sorry, but a lie is a lie. If someone is withholding information or distorting the facts, they are lying. If the person is compelled to not tell the whole truth about small situations, what is going to happen when something big comes up?

3. The person only talks about himself. 
Nothing is more boring than to spend an evening listening to a guy go on and on about himself, his accolades, his children, his wealth, ya da ya da ya da. If your date doesn't show an equal amount of interest in you, my dear girl, right from the get go, he is not going to later on. This behavior indicates a possible narcissistic personality and is unhealthy, so run!

4. The guy wants to get you in bed early on.
Ok, I admit I am a bit old school and I know times are changing. However! I still live by my mother's old adage "Why should he buy the cow if he can get the milk for free?" Sleeping with a guy is no guarantee he is going to stay with you. In fact, if he is pestering you early on for sex, that is a clear indicator of his true motives. Move on.

5. The guy drinks a lot, smokes a lot, eats a lot, uses drugs or gambles a lot.
These are all addictive behaviors and you are not going to be the one to "fix him". If your beau displays any of these behaviors to excess, again - move on!

6. He can't seem to hold a steady job.
 I once dated a guy who had a four-page resume. There was always some excuse why the job didn't work out. You have to ask yourself "What is the common denominator?" Now I don't mean if a poor guy loses his job, you should dump him. What I mean is if the guy has a string of jobs that only last a short time and then he is out looking again, tell him to look in the mirror. You move on!

7. He has a lot of female "friends".
Typically when a guy tells you "She's just a friend," that usually means she is an ex-girlfriend. And if she is still hanging around, she is still interested in him. You want a guy who only has eyes for you, a guy who has long-term relationships. You do not want a playboy, a player, or a Casanova romeo. Unless, of course, you want your heart broken.

8. The guy offers to buy you.
I once was told "If we get together, you'll never have to worry about money again." It was all I could do not to gag. This is a manipulative ploy wealthy men use to get a woman. Any self-respecting female can support herself and does not need to be "taken care of" by a man. Times have changed, and no longer do women look to men to provide for them. Women today are looking for deeper values such as commitment, communication, connection, intimacy and such.

9. Your friend has a critical spirit. 
He makes cutting or sarcastic remarks at your expense and then brushes it off by saying "I was only joking with you," or "Can't you take a joke?" Sorry, buddy. No dice. Sarcasm is a sign of insecurity. A secure man will never undermine his lady in any way. It is not funny. It is petty and unacceptable. Again, gals, move on. It will only get worse as time goes by.

10. Your man is already in another relationship.
Last but not least, do not attempt to attract a man who is already dating someone or who is separated. Being separated is still being married. You do not want to be the reason someone's marriage dissolves. If a guy is seeing another woman "on the side", you don't want him. Love triangles only bring heartache and pain. Find someone who is unattached, available, and has had and made time to process their issues from their previous marriage. The last thing you need in a budding romance is drama. If a guy is making eyes at you while he's with another woman, he will be doing the same thing when he's with you. Move on!

Ok, so there you have it. Ten signs you are in the wrong relationship. I'm speaking from personal experience on a lot of these and hope this post has opened your eyes to see if any of these could be true in your relationship. The sooner you spot these signs and get out, the quicker you will be able to move on to find Mr. Wonderful.

When we find the inner power we all possess, we will be more confident in our choices and find the courage to say no to unhealthy situations. Love to hear your thoughts on this post.

Enter your email address in the box provided if you'd like to receive my weekly posts and a copy of my free e-guide " 7 Steps to Finding Your Spiritual Path". 

Stay tuned for more positive and practical wisdom and 

Until next time, keep looking up!

Ariel Paz

Believe What You See - How to Spot the Red Flags

Single? Lonely? Looking for Mr. Wonderful? Holding on to Mr. Right Now? Too many times when we meet someone we see them through rose-colored glasses, and ignore the red flags. Why? Because we are lonely, bored, tired of waiting, and isolated. Or we are in a relationship, and we know in our head this person is not right for us, but we stay in it anyway, because we are emotionally involved.

Recently, I spoke with two single gals who are in a predicament, shall we say. They are stuck in unhealthy relationships hoping things will change. The years are going by and nothing has changed and both these gals are making excuses to stay. Now I totally understand because I've done this very thing and listening to their stories reminded me of how difficult it is to extricate oneself from emotional ties.

Today's post is dedicated to helping you:
a) spot the red flags early on so
b) you don't get emotionally entangled with the wrong guy.

Several years ago, I met a guy online on a supposedly Christian dating site. When I read this guy's profile, my heart was aflutter. He sounded like my perfect match - on paper that is. All the externals I was looking for seemed to be in place - good job, owned his own home, attends church, willing to learn how to dance etc etc. Well. After two years of a conflicted spirit, late night "disagreements" and much heartache, the light bulb finally went on and I put all the pieces together. The guy was lying to me about who he really was. The signs of jealousy, immaturity, and insecurity had been there all along, I simply chose to minimize them. I made excuses and rationalized his behavior. All because I was approaching a milestone birthday and I had set my mind of being engaged by that time.

Lesson #1: my timetable is not always God's timetable.

Lesson #2: Listen to my spirit.

Anyway, fast forward several years. I was still single so decided to give online dating another try. Another guy contacts me wanting to get together for dinner.

"Here we go again. They think wining and dining me is going to do the trick." This time I was determined to keep my eyes open and my heart protected.

Don't ask me what I was thinking. The guy had posted photos of his red Porsche, his motorcycle, his flowers, and his dog. Nothing against any of these, but I kind of felt like there were conflicting messages being sent. Now I always give people the benefit of the doubt, so I went out with the guy. The Porsche and the motorcycle were signs that screamed one word - FAST! He wanted to move quickly in more ways than one. By the grace of God, it only took me 3 dates to figure out the truth and am so glad I did not let myself get emotionally or physically involved with the guy. I chalk the whole experience up to a re-test and I think I passed with at least a "B". Maybe a B+.

Bottom line of these stories is this. When someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time. Don't allow the wining and dining, the flowers, the jewelry or the romance to blind you or override your good sense. If you're not sure what to do, get counseling or talk to some wise friends who are courageous enough to give you an objective perspective. If we want to avoid unnecessary hurt and pain and stay out of wrong relationships, it would do us well to face the reality of who people are before getting physically and emotionally involved with them. Take your time evaluating the person. Three dates seems like a reasonable amount of time.

If any of my story resonates with you or if you have helpful tips you'd like to share, please leave a comment below. Love to hear back from you.

Until next time, keep looking up!

Ariel Paz

Don't Wait for a Sign. Take a Step of Faith.

Seems like single guys and gals both have the same problem - how to read the signs that the person they are interested in is interested in them. This has long been an issue amongst my single friends, so I thought I'd share an anecdote about it, and do what I can to help the situation. I'm all for couples getting together and sometimes we shy folk, (yes, me included) have a bit of a time deciphering the signs. Now, I'm going to tell you up front, I'm going a bit out of my comfort zone with this post, so please do write and let me know your thoughts, ok?

This past Friday, I decided to go to the west coast swing dance. Most of you know that I love to dance, right?

Lord, please let me meet some new people tonight.

As I entered the ballroom, everyone was smiling and dancing, glad to release the cares of the week. The lights were dimmed and the rhythm of the music electrified the air.  I noticed a few new faces and smiled to myself.

Thank you, Lord. I see some new people here.

It wasn't long before one of the new faces asks me to dance and to be honest, he was quite the dancer. Cute, too and plus, he made me laugh. I'm starting to feel something.

So the second time he asks me to dance, he starts telling me how hard it is for guys to know when a woman is interested. My ears perk up. Then he shares that he only gets phone numbers from women he isn't interested in. Now I start to chuckle.

Hmmmm. Funny I feel the same way.

"Well, I have to tell you, we women have the same problem. And I will admit, I have been told I need to send louder signals." We both smiled at the absurdity of it all and decided to enjoy the fun of the evening.

As I thought about the conversation on the way home, I analyzed why men are so afraid to ask. I think it basically boils down to two fears:
1)  the whole fear of rejection thing
2)  the 'She's not interested in me'  mentality

Both of which stem from a basic lack of - dare I say - faith. You knew I was bringing it around now, didn't you?

Luke 11:9 puts it this way "Ask and you shall receive. Seek and you shall find. Knock and the door shall be opened to you." This is a promise, kind of like an if-then statement for all my techie friends. If we ask in faith, God promises to answer. It's a fact. This verse has been tested by yours truly over and over, so trust me, it does work.

Somehow many of us have a hard time asking for what we want. We feel we are unworthy. Or God is too busy to answer our prayer. Or some other lack of faith excuse. Just as we women want you guys to ask, God wants us to ask. How much more of a sign do you need?

Lastly, consider this: if we don't have the courage to step out in faith and ask, the answer will always be no. So what will you do next time? Will you still be looking for a sign? Or will you take a step of faith and ask?

Hoping this post encourages some of you to have a bit more faith, and to step out of your comfort zone. What situation are you hesitant about? Asking for a raise? A date? More time with your beloved?

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 Until next time, keep looking up.

Ariel Paz