Relationships can be tough, no doubt about it. Each of us has our own set of sensitivities, personality issues, and emotional wounds. We are at different levels of emotional maturity and intellect. It is amazing to me that anyone gets along. Today I'm sharing on what to do about difficult relationships and how not to let them get the best of you.
Relationships are important, we can all agree on that. The goal of any relationship is for each party to grow and to become emotionally healthier, but as my oldest son says, it takes two to tango. Each party must be willing to change. Often ego holds us back because no one wants to admit they need to change.
After many years of trying to making impossible relationships work, I have learned one thing. Peace and self-respect are more important than any relationship. For years, I made relationships top priority. I had it backwards! I was always putting "the relationship" before my mental, physical, and emotional well-being. I tolerated poor behavior from my then-husband, then from the immature men I dated and from insecure girlfriends. I tolerated verbal abuse from my mother and my sister as well because, after all, that is what I was used to.
And what happened? I suffered from complex migraine for years, that's what! I went from neurologist to neurologist and doctor to doctor trying to find a cure. Why? Because I was constantly ruminating on the problems in my relationships. I was always taking the blame and putting emotional stress on my brain. I always thought I was the problem, but in reality, it takes two to tango and two to fix any relationship. Each person must be willing to own up to their part and be willing to change for the sake of the relationship.
Then as I was soaking in a hot bath one evening, pondering over the latest hurtful relationship dilemma, it dawned on me. I was allowing poor behavior!!!! Scripture puts it like this: "What you allow on earth, will be loosed in heaven. What you bind on earth, shall be bound in heaven." (Matt 16:19)
I think the crux of the problem was that I did not respect myself enough to expect to be treated right! I think most people know when they are treating people badly and they continue to do it as long as you allow them to. They make excuses and put the blame on you, instead of taking personal responsibility for their impact on you. I was allowing it, and paying a very high price. My brain and my body were screaming at me, telling me something was drastically wrong but I wasn't listening.
Is your body trying to tell you something? Pain of any kind is a message. Are you in a relationship that is stealing your peace and joy? Could it be that you are allowing poor treatment like I did? Today is the day to take a stand for yourself. Stop allowing other people, no matter how they are related, to treat you like c--p. You deserve better! Confront them and ask for change if they care about you, they will make the change. If they don't, it's time to ask yourself the hard question of "Do I really want to be in this relationship anyway?"
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Stay tuned for more positive and practical wisdom on spirituality, faith, relationships, and personal growth. Today is the day to ignite the power within and discover YOUR destiny!
Until next time, keep looking up!
Ariel Paz
Relationships can be heaven or hell. Most of them are somewhere in between. Things can be going along swimmingly when out of the blue, we hit a rough patch. It's like when your car hits black ice - you didn't see it coming; you feel fearful and out of control.
Conflict in relationships can make us feel the same way: fearful and out of control. We fear losing something we value often our self-respect or the relationship. We don't know what to do and we often say things we regret in the heat of the moment. Yet, conflict is actually a good thing and today we'll be discussing how and why we hit these potholes.
First, a short story to illustrate.
A just-married couple was at the grocery store buying food for a cookout. The husband wanted the ground beef and the wife wanted the pre-made patties. Gridlock. Why? Because they were experiencing a conflict of values. He valued economy. She valued convenience.
The really difficult relational battles arise over differences in values. Values are deeply-held beliefs that have developed over time and are ingrained in our thinking. We do not change them easily. We can look at the global battles of history to see more extreme examples.The Germans valued blond hair and blue eyes which led to the extermination of millions of innocent people.
The key to resolving conflict is to identify the core values being threatened. This takes patience, self-control, and open communication. Sometimes emotional reactions occur because someone feels disrespected, unloved, or unheard. An emotional reaction is a flag to let us know we have touched on something deeply personal.
If we can keep our emotions under control, but not deny or repress them, we will able to navigate conflict more calmly and rationally. Emotional outbursts only serve to escalate an already heated situation.
If someone truly cares about you and the relationship, they will make the effort to communicate and be honest with how they are feeling. Authenticity is key to any healthy relationship.
So here to recap are 5 keys to resolving those difficult relationship conflicts:
1. Understand your values
2. Understand the values of the other party
3. Keep your emotions under control
4. Communicate in a respectful way
5. Decide together on a win-win solution
I have found that once people feel heard, understood, and respected, a resolution can be achieved.
If this post was helpful, consider joining our blog community. Enter your email address in the box provided and you'll receive my weekly posts as well as a copy of my free eguide "7 Steps to Finding Your Spiritual Path".
Stay tuned for more positive and practical wisdom to help you find healing, wholeness, health, and harmony!
Until next time, keep looking up!
Ariel Paz
Ever feel like you're repeating the same problems over and over, either with the same person or with different people? It's so frustrating! I've learned when this happens, there is a lesson I have not learned. Conflict, although not pleasant, is actually a good thing. It is a sign that something is not working in a relationship. If you missed Part 1 of this message, check out my post entitled "5 Benefits of Dealing with Conflict".
Conflict resolution is a skill we learn as we go. It is not something taught in school, unfortunately, but we learn in the school of life. I think they should make it part of the curriculum. I bet we'd have a lot less divorces.
Studies show that couples who are able to resolve conflict are the ones who are able to maintain their marriages. Relationship expert, John Gottman, talks about this in his book "The 7 Principles for Making Marriage Work".
Here are 7 practical steps to help you deal with conflict and enjoy more rewarding relationships.
1. Pay Attention to your Feelings
It's taken me years to get in touch with my feelings. My mother always told me I was "too sensitive". I learned to push them down and ignore them which is both unhealthy and unproductive. Our feelings are trying to send us a message to help and to guide us. If we ignore what we are feeling, we don't receive the message, miss the message and worse, end up making poor decisions we later regret.
At age 20, I ignored the warning signs my body and spirit were sending me and plunged into an emotionally unhealthy and abusive marriage that lasted 15 ugly years. This is what can happen when we ignore our feelings and our gut.
2. Address issues
When we address issues in our interpersonal relationships, we get them out on the table in plain sight. In other words, we bring light to the darkness. Rather than avoid issues and sweep them "under the rug", it is much healthier to deal with them upfront. It is an opportunity for the wounded party to express their feelings and for the other party to change or make amends. Anger often builds because we do not understand why the other person is acting in a certain way. Communication and discussion lead to understanding which is a key component of resolving differences and preserving healthy relationships.
3. Express Your Feelings
Sometimes we are aware of the behavior we want the other person to change and we focus on that, but we forget to explain how the person's behavior makes us feel. Experts instruct us to use "I feel...." statements when we are bringing up issues. "You always..." statements are blaming and unproductive. "I" statements do not indicate self-centeredness. Using the "I" formation keeps us focused on what we are feeling rather than what the other person is doing. The objective is to not put the other person on the defensive. The goal is to communicate and work as a team to resolve the problem. Sadly, this is something many people are not aware of.
4. Recognize when you're at an impasse
Conflict, tension, and anger all tell us that there is a problem in the relationship that needs to be addressed. If we continue to have the same discussion over and over again and nothing changes, we are at an impasse. Don't keep hitting your head against the wall by trying to discuss the same issue over and over. We have no control over whether another person is ready or willing to receive the message we are trying to pass. If time goes on and you're not seeing any changes or progress,
This means either:
1) the other person is not willing to change or
2) the other person is unable to change. They are not at a level of maturity that enables them to be able to change.
If someone truly cares for you and wants to preserve the relationship, he or she will make a reasonable effort to change.
5. Give It Some Space
When we are at an impasse, it is time to take a break from the relationship whatever way you can. If you don't live with the person, don't call them or visit them. I don't care who it is. Parents and children are not exempt from this. Do not feel guilty. You are taking steps to preserve the relationship and your sanity since the other person is not budging. One caveat is we don't know how the other person is going to respond. He or she may completely sever the relationship, but this is out of your control. This means they didn't value it enough in the first place, so you have lost nothing really.
6. Grieve the Loss
This is not an easy pill to swallow. Close relationships are precious. When they don't work out, it is painful and grieving is a necessary part of the process. Allow yourself to feel your grief. It is sad. It is painful. But remember, it will pass. You will move past this.
At some point, you will realize the relationship was not healthy in the first place. Be gentle with yourself during this time and don't be quick to rush into another relationship just because you miss the other person and feel lonely. Give yourself time to heal and to reflect on what could have been done differently on your end so you can move forward in a more healthy manner.
7. Let it Go
There's a song by Sting that says "If you love somebody, set them free". Enjoy the video. This is probably the most loving thing we can do is to stop trying to get another person to change. The only person we can change is ourselves. We may be at a level to be able to address conflict maturely, but the other person may not.
Now I am not saying I have this all down perfectly. I struggle with some things in this area as well but one of the reasons I write these posts is to help me remember these lessons too.
I hope this post has encouraged you and given you some practical ways to address conflict in your relationships. If you enjoyed this post and would like to join our growing community, enter your email address in the box provided. You'll also receive a copy of my free e-guide entitled "7 Steps to Finding Your Spiritual Path".
Stay tuned for more on how to find healing, wholeness, and harmony in your life and your relationshps so you can discover your destiny and live the life you deserve.
Until next time, keep looking up!
Ariel Paz
