How to Deal With Drama at the Holidays

Don't you just wish, for once, holidays could be drama-free? Do you think it is ever possible? I think there have been years - occasionally- when the holidays have been peaceful, but whenever people come in and out of our lives like a merry-go-round, there's bound to be drama. It takes time and patience to learn how to get along with others and how to make holidays enjoyable for all. I guess I should just resolve myself to the fact that no matter how much I strive for peace and to get along with everyone, it just is not always possible.

Everybody has stressors. Some we know about. Some we don't.  I think it is pretty safe to say that most people are not advertising everything that is stressful in their lives. I've realized I'm not even aware of everything that is stressing me on any given day, so I keep a journal and list everything that is bothering me. It really helps to be aware of what is impacting me so I can adjust accordingly. We just never know what someone is dealing with but it does seem that holidays, for whatever reason, tends to be more stressful.

I guess that's why people go to the beach or take a vacation to avoid dealing with any of it and I can't say that I blame them. You gotta do what you gotta do. But I think the issues that arise over some holidays are issues that need to be dealt with, and not run away from. The holidays have a way of bringing stuff to the forefront, kind of like saying "Deal with me. Deal with me."

We all have baggage of some sort, I don't care how young or old you are. Now I am not a psychologist, but I do notice patterns in people's behavior, especially my own. For example, I don't like to be an after-thought. Reminds me of the way my ex used to treat me. I was always last on his priority list. I didn't like it then and I don't like it now. I think it probably stems for some sort of left-over rejection from having an alcoholic for a father who was always in his own world and too bombed to pay any attention to his daughter. If you had an emotionally absent parent, you understand what I'm talking about. A parent's job is to make their children feel loved, secure, and valued. Nonetheless, this is part of what any love relationship is about - helping to heal the other person through love.

Any time I start feeling like this, I get angry. No longer do I "suck it up" or pretend it doesn't bother me. Now I say something sooner rather than later. Experts say the best way to share these feelings is by using an "I feel" sentence. I've also learned that expressing my hurt feelings will most likely cause a problem because most people, except for my youngest son bless his heart, don't know how to handle confrontation in a safe, healthy, and mature manner.

They either:

a) get defensive

b) give me an excuse

c) raise their voice

Usually all three. None of which are healthy and productive to the resolution of the problem . These behaviors cause distance and alienation rather than connection and healing. A better response would go something like this:

"Gee, I'm sorry you felt...... I didn't mean to cause you pain. I will try better in the future to...." 

This kind of response shows accountability and responsibility and more importantly, compassion, which is what we want from our close friends and loved ones. Sadly, many people are not at a level of maturity to be able to respond this way, which of course, is out of our control. So what to do in these kinds of situations?

1. Do not get riled up yourself. Exercise self-control or withdraw from the conversation. 

2. Have compassion for the other party and for yourself. We are all on our own journey. 

3. Say what you have to say, kindly and calmly, but don't count on the other person being able to receive it properly. Sometimes I do this through email to avoid a hostile reaction.

4. Pray for the relationship and for God to bring clarity and understanding to both parties.
5. Own your part of the problem and decide what YOU can do differently. As my oldest son says, it takes two to tango.

Once I have said what I have to say, I give it to God, regardless of the reaction of the other person. The key is to not hold onto the resentment, rejection, or negative feeling. We have to get it out. Holding negative emotions in causes physical and mental stress which lowers our immune system and makes us more likely to get sick. Typically, I get a migraine from ruminating about the situation but everyone reacts differently. 

I hope this post has been helpful. I write from my personal experiences and I know many of you struggle with the same sorts of issues. Your feedback is always welcome. If you'd like to join our blog community, enter your email address in the box provided. You'll receive my bi-weekly posts plus a copy of my free eguide entitled " 7 Steps to Finding Your Spiritual Path".

Stay tuned for more practical and positive wisdom to help you ignite the power within and discover YOUR DESTINY!

Until next time, keep looking up!

Ariel Paz