How to Surrender More and Stress Less - Part 2

Peace is a complicated thing to achieve. It doesn't happen by itself so that is why I am dedicating so much time writing on how to achieve it. This week I'm sharing on relationships and letting go of control so you and I can have more peaceful connections. 

Be honest and answer these three questions:

1) Do you feel tension in any of your relationships?

2) Do you often think you know better what someone else should do? 

3) Do you find yourself telling others how to live or what to do?

Sometimes we don't realize we are being controlling. Perhaps we were controlled as a child or in some other close relationship. I was married to a controlling man. I had no say in the marriage. I couldn't even hang a piece of macrame artwork I had made in our home. Control stems from fear and insecurity. Narcissistic people are controlling. All they care about is making themselves look good usually at the expense of another.

In an effort to find more peace in my life, I am realizing much stress comes from my trying to control: situations, other people, myself.

Control is an ilusion.  

When it really comes down to it, none of us are in control of very much. We can only control ourselves, and doing that takes a lot of effort and energy. So in part two of my series on letting go, we'll be talking about letting go of control and learning to surrender so we can have more peace in our daily lives and relationships with others.

Assertiveness vs. Control 

First let's be clear on what is control versus healthy assertiveness. It is not controlling to:

1. Speak up for yourself.

2. Set boundaries and limits.

3. Say "no" to behaviors you don't feel comfortable with.

4. Ask for what you want.

These are healthy measures we can take to ensure no one takes advantage of us and helps us to protect ourselves.

So how to know when we are trying to control?

1. When we feel frustrated frequently. 

2. When we try to tell other people what to do. 

3. Giving unsolicited advice. (guilty of this one, big time, but getting better)

4. Feeling like we know better than others about their situations or what is good for them. (again, guilty)

5. The tendency to make all sorts of elaborate and drawn out plans rather than letting things flow. 

6. Trying to figure it all out instead of just the next step in front of us. 

Signs of being controlled:

1. You feel pressured to do something you don't really want to do.

2. Others insist they know better than you about your life.

3. Others use manipulative tactics to get you to do something. 

4. Others try to guilt you into doing something you don't feel comfortable doing. 

5. Others raise their voice/yell to overide what you are trying to say. 

6. Others make threats to coerce you into doing something you don't want to do. 

7. Others make you feel less than, inadequate. 

Here are some concrete steps on how to surrender control so we can enjoy more peace:

1. Let others be right. You've heard the saying "Would you rather be right or happy?"

2. Be flexible whenever you can.  

3. Keep your pride and ego in check. 

4. Work towards a win-win solution. 

5. Use a gentler tone of voice. 

6. Keep your emotions under control. Remember frustration is a sign of trying to control. 

7. Take a time-out if you feel yourself getting heated.

8. Let go of the responsibility for others and use that energy on yourself. 

9. Try to go with the flow more and not plan out every little detail. 

For Reflection:

Did this post resonate with you? In what way? What is one area in which you can practice surrendering control? Write and let us know how it goes. 

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Stay tuned for more positive and practical wisdom to help you ignite the power within, enjoy better relationships and live the life you dream of!

Until next time, keep looking up!

Ariel Paz