Stress comes in many forms and it's important to learn to recognize what stresses us out so we can nip it in the bud. The longer we let things percolate, the more stressed out we will feel. We need to deal with stressors as soon as we are aware of them. If you are a highly sensitive person, like me, we are affected more deeply by the daily stressors of life such as noise, crowds, bright lights, and drama so it is even more crucial to be aware of our daily stresses.
How and where we were raised has a huge impact on our brains and how we perceive and handle stress. As a child of an alcoholic who couldn't keep a job, and who moved our family 31 times, my childhood was very chaotic and out of control. I've had to deal with the effects of being raised in that environment all my life. When we are brought up with drama, turmoil, arguing, and instability, we tend to gravitate towards that kind of environment as adults because that is what feels familiar to us, until we realize that this is an unhealthy way to live. We were not meant to live with drama, abuse, turmoil, and emotional outbursts because all of these take their toll on our physical and mental well-being. We are meant to live in peace.
Physical Effects of Stress:
Stress takes a toll on our bodies as well as our minds. Do you come down with the flu or winter cold every year? Do you have recurring sinus infections, headaches or migraines? Perhaps you can't control your eating urges or other appetites. Recurring back pain can also be a stress response. In periods of high stress, we tend to revert back to our destructive addictive behaviors such as overeating, drinking too much, and a slew of other unhealthy behaviors.
These are all warning signs of too much stress. I would venture to say stress, in its many forms, is the root cause of most illness and greatly contributes to addictive behaviors and personality disorders.
Causes of Stress:
Stress comes in a variety of forms but I think it is pretty safe to say one of the main causes of stress is other people. We cannot all seclude ourselves off from the human race, but we can learn healthier coping mechanisms, how to set better boundaries and how to destress in healthier ways.
I believe people come into our lives for a reason and a season and the reason is primarily to teach us the lessons we need to learn in this life. Some people don't feel they have to change so if we want to live in peace and harmony, we must be the ones to adapt. "Survival of the fittest" means only those who adapt, will survive. Over the years, I have come to some realizations that help me say NO to stress from other people, so today I'm sharing three of them with you.
1) Realize you are not a garbage can.
I'm all for sharing and listening to people from time to time. In fact, I've been told many times that I am a good listener. People feel comfortable sharing their innermost feelings with me. I'm all for friends giving each other advice and being there for each other during the tough times. Sharing promotes intimacy and connection but there is a line. When someone regularly calls you to dump their stuff and their stress on you, something is wrong. Here is a personal example.
I have a long-time friend who, for some reason, has the need to vent all her frustrations to me as soon as we get together. This same friend will call me up and go on for 20 minutes or more without taking a breath. I know because I have timed her. I have maintained a friendship with her for many years, but have come to realize, I don't have the bandwidth to listen to all that every time we talk. Healthy communication is a dialogue, not a monologue. One of my other friends calls this a "data dump".
I've learned I have to set boundaries with my exposure to her. One time I mentioned I was not able to listen to her venting, and her response was "Are you stressed?" She was the one who was stressed and she didn't even realize it. I'm sure she felt better after unloading all her emotional baggage on me, but taking in someone else's negative emotions is both unhealthy and draining for the listener. Negative emotions are transferable and we have to protect ourselves if we want to maintain our energy and our peace.
One of the signs you can identify an energy-sucking peace-stealer is by the tone and volume of their voice. If they are worked up and irritated, they are dumping their negative energy on you and you will end up exhausted and depleted. Ask them to calm down and lower their voice; try to change the subject or else, get off the phone or walk away.
2) Realize you are not responsible for other people's financial problems.
Money is a huge stressor in relationships. Again, I am all for helping other people. I consider myself a very generous person, but at times, I feel taken advantage of . This causes me to feel very stressed as I come from a home where, as a child, I had to worry about whether or not the rent would be paid or the lights would be turned off again. People are so wound up trying to figure out how to get their needs met, they don't bother to think about how their actions affect you. This behavior comes in many forms but today we'll talk about financial needs.
People ask you to loan them money. They get themselves into a financial mess and then they expect you to bail them out. NO! You and I are not responsible for other people's poor financial decisions and that goes for husbands, wives, sons and daughters as well as "friends".
My ex-husband did this to me several times. He always wanted to start some new business venture, and wanted me to take money out of my retirement savings to fund his exploits. This was a tough place to be because we were husband and wife and I felt obligated to go along with him. Eventually the financial fiascos caused so much tension in our relationship, we ended up in bankruptcy and divorce court. There was a lesson to be learned here.
Repeat lessons
God and life will continue to present us with the same lessons over and over until we learn to handle them in a better way - in a way that respects ourselves. After my divorce, another dear relative came to me for money for his business - to the tune of $5,000. Since I was emotionally connected to this person, I agonized over the decision which caused me undue stress which as a single-parent, I did not need. I finally said "No". Again, this person was looking out for their own needs and sugar-coated the request with pretty promises. As it turned out, if I had said "Yes" to this person, I would have lost my savings and not had the down payment I soon needed to retain my new condo.
Apparently I still had not learned the lesson. Recently, I had an even closer relative come to me for money. I agonized over this decision for weeks and ended up with a migraine. This time it dawned on me. If I have to agonize over a decision, if it is not an immediate "YES", it is not the right thing to do. It is a peace-stealer. Say NO right off the bat, keep the stress at bay, and keep my health and my peace!
3) Realize you are responsible for your own happiness but not other people's.
As Abraham Lincoln once said "Folks are about as happy as they make up their minds to be". Happiness is a choice we each make every day. When I get up in the morning, I repeat the verse "This is the day the Lord has made. I will rejoice and be glad in it" (Ps. 118:24). This helps me start the day on a thankful and positive note.
If you are living with someone who is unhappy, realize it is their problem, not yours. Don't let false guilt steal your peace and joy. It is very draining to try to keep someone else happy who refuses to keep themselves happy. It takes enough energy to keep ourselves happy and we are only responsible for our own happiness, not our spouse, not our kids, not our parents. Each person is responsible for their own choices and their own happiness in this life.
Some people use their unhappiness as a way to get attention. After all, negative attention is better than no attention at all. I have someone who is constantly complaining to me - about everything. She is miserable and unhappy. I have learned even though I care for this person, I cannot make her happy and have told her so. I put the monkey back where it belonged - on her shoulders.
Realize these types of people are needy and trying to get their needs met from you instead of taking responsibility for themselves. Make sure you're not one of them.
4) Practice surrendering.
This is where God comes into the picture. Only God can carry the weight of the world. It does not belong on your shoulders or mine. Many things in life are out of our control and we need to learn to live and let live. We cannot make other people do what we want, when we want. The only person we can control is ourselves. One verse I use to remind myself is 1 Peter 5:7 which says this: "Cast your cares on Him, for He cares for you." It reminds me that God sees everything that is going on in my world and he has the plan. I don't have to fret or stress. I think if we spent more time talking to God about our problems, we'd spend less time venting to other people about them.
Okay, so there you have 4 keys to enjoying more peaceful relationships. These are practical steps you can take to enjoy more peace in your everyday life. Who in your life is draining? Who likes to dump on you? Who is negative? When was the last time you talked to God?
If you'd like more positive and practical wisdom on how to have less stress and more peace, join our community by signing up for my bi-weekly blog posts. Enter your email address in the box provided. You'll also receive a copy of my free e-guide "7 Steps to Finding Your Spiritual Path".
Stay tuned for more on igniting the power within and discovering YOUR DESTINY!
Until next time, keep looking up!
Ariel Paz
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