If we want more peace in our lives, we MUST either:
a) eliminate the stressors from our lives or
b) learn how to deal with them in a healthier way and
c) learn to set firmer boundaries sooner
I bet you'll agree a lot of stress comes from other people - usually those who are related to us or are emotionally connected such as a spouse, a boyfriend, a son or daughter, a close friend.
Are You Too Nice?
It doesn't matter who in your life is causing you stress. For years, I have allowed too much c--- from boyfriends, relatives, ex-husband, and close friends and it has been very unhealthy for me. Poor boundaries are usually at the crux of the problem. This was a tough lesson for me to learn and I keep getting refresher courses with my aging mom and my two adult sons.Perhaps like me you've been told "You're too nice". Nice people get hurt - a lot. Until we get to the breaking point and declare "Enough is enough." So what to do about people who cause you stress? Here are 8 tips to put into practice starting today.
1. Tell the other person how you feel.
Yes, it takes vulnerability to express our hurts, but it also is a sign of self-respect and shows a willingess to want to improve the relationship if it is to move forward. People are not mind-readers. Many times the other person is oblivious to how their behavior is impacting us so it is up to us to make them aware.
The difficulty here is that some people are not emotionally mature enough to hear you. Don't be surprised if they get defensive, raise their voice, or get angry. Several years ago, I confronted a long time friend who had divulged a confidence to her entire family and who knows who else. When I questioned her about it, she got defensive and retorted "Well then, just don't tell me anything anymore!" What kind of friendship is that? She did not taken ownership. She did not apologize. People who react this way are not emotionally mature enough to handle direct confrontation. They may also be too insecure to face up to their actions.
If someone really and truly cares about you, they will care about your feelings. They will apologize and they will take ownership of their behavior. They will offer to make amends and attempt to change going forward. This is what you want if a relationship is to grow.
2. Refuse to allow bad treatment.
This might seem obvious, but I am guilty of allowing mistreatment because I valued the relationship more - apparently - than I valued my own well-being and mental and emotional health. I made excuses such as "Well, he's my son" or "He's my husband". No person has the right to mistreat another either emotionally, physically, or verbally and this includes name-calling, labeling, raising their voice, blaming, and judging. It is time to put your foot down and stop allowing them to get away with disrespectful behavior.
2. Refuse to allow bad treatment.
This might seem obvious, but I am guilty of allowing mistreatment because I valued the relationship more - apparently - than I valued my own well-being and mental and emotional health. I made excuses such as "Well, he's my son" or "He's my husband". No person has the right to mistreat another either emotionally, physically, or verbally and this includes name-calling, labeling, raising their voice, blaming, and judging. It is time to put your foot down and stop allowing them to get away with disrespectful behavior.
This is where boundaries come in. Instead of making excuses for the other person, we need to decide what we will and will not allow and make that clear to the other party. For example, I told my mom that she needs to calm herself down before she calls me for help. Emotions are contagious. I cannot have her anxiety streaming over to me. To her credit, she has been able to do this for the most part so we continue to have a relationship.
3. Do not tolerate psychological torment and manipulation.
Since he was a teenager, my oldest son has disconnected from me for months and years at a time. This has been a pattern. Meanwhile, I was an emotional wreck wondering when or if I would hear from him again. This is a form of manipulation and control. When he finally reconnects and I ask him why he disconnected, he never has an answer. Disconnecting for long periods of time is mental manipulation. Do not allow yourself to be imprisoned by another person's immaturity. If people don't want to be in relationship with you - no matter who they are - you don't need them in your life.
4. Clearly communicate the change you want to see or the need you want met.
This is a very key component to moving forward in a healthier way. Apologies are a nice first step but you cannot have reconciliation without behavior change. Be very clear about what you need from the other person. Some examples are:
"I need you to keep your voice down when you talk to me."
"I need you to be on time when we are going somewhere."
"I need you to not drink so much when we go out."
A handy tool to communicate your needs is an "I feel" statement. "I feel threatened and unsafe when you raise your voice to me." Never start a sentence with "You...". This will immediately put the other person on the defensive. Make it about YOUR needs and feelings.
5. Expect the other person to put equal effort into the relationship going forward.
Often codependent people put all the work into relationships. We feel it is our responsibility to make a relationship work when in reality, it takes two to make any relationship work. If you feel you are constantly the one to reach out and connect, there is something out of balance. Relationships are a two-way street. When we pull back, we allow the other person to step up to the plate.
6. Learn to set healthier boundaries.
You don't have to be the one putting all the effort into the relationship. Ask yourself how you feel after you've interacted with this person. If you feel stressed, anxious, or depleted this is a sign something needs to be adjusted.
Since he was a teenager, my oldest son has disconnected from me for months and years at a time. This has been a pattern. Meanwhile, I was an emotional wreck wondering when or if I would hear from him again. This is a form of manipulation and control. When he finally reconnects and I ask him why he disconnected, he never has an answer. Disconnecting for long periods of time is mental manipulation. Do not allow yourself to be imprisoned by another person's immaturity. If people don't want to be in relationship with you - no matter who they are - you don't need them in your life.
4. Clearly communicate the change you want to see or the need you want met.
This is a very key component to moving forward in a healthier way. Apologies are a nice first step but you cannot have reconciliation without behavior change. Be very clear about what you need from the other person. Some examples are:
"I need you to keep your voice down when you talk to me."
"I need you to be on time when we are going somewhere."
"I need you to not drink so much when we go out."
"I need you to control your temper."
A handy tool to communicate your needs is an "I feel" statement. "I feel threatened and unsafe when you raise your voice to me." Never start a sentence with "You...". This will immediately put the other person on the defensive. Make it about YOUR needs and feelings.
5. Expect the other person to put equal effort into the relationship going forward.
Often codependent people put all the work into relationships. We feel it is our responsibility to make a relationship work when in reality, it takes two to make any relationship work. If you feel you are constantly the one to reach out and connect, there is something out of balance. Relationships are a two-way street. When we pull back, we allow the other person to step up to the plate.
6. Learn to set healthier boundaries.
If we are continually hurt or taken advantage of, halfof the responsibility lies with us. People will continue to act out, until we refuse to allow it. We need to know and respect our own limits - what we will and will not tolerate and what makes us feel stressed or pressured. This is where the word "No" is powerful. Here's a recent personal story to illustrate.
On a recent visit with family who live out-of-state, I had the "opportunity" to hear "No" quite a bit. My 86-yr old mother refused to let me drive her car. As anyone who has driven with an elderly person knows, their reactions are not quite a timely as they used to be. With all the sudden braking and accelerating, I wound up getting motion sick several times till I finally had to refuse to go anywhere with her unless I drove. I had to say "No" to her "No". This is called "setting healthy boundaries": say no to any behavior that is hurtful or harmful. To her, driving was a control issue. To me it was a safety and health issue.
On a recent visit with family who live out-of-state, I had the "opportunity" to hear "No" quite a bit. My 86-yr old mother refused to let me drive her car. As anyone who has driven with an elderly person knows, their reactions are not quite a timely as they used to be. With all the sudden braking and accelerating, I wound up getting motion sick several times till I finally had to refuse to go anywhere with her unless I drove. I had to say "No" to her "No". This is called "setting healthy boundaries": say no to any behavior that is hurtful or harmful. To her, driving was a control issue. To me it was a safety and health issue.
7. Put distance between yourself and the other person.
If the other person cannot or will not accept your boundaries, then it may be time to give each other some space. This means emotional and physical distance. Give them space and give yourself a breather.
If the other person cannot or will not accept your boundaries, then it may be time to give each other some space. This means emotional and physical distance. Give them space and give yourself a breather.
You don't have to be the one putting all the effort into the relationship. Ask yourself how you feel after you've interacted with this person. If you feel stressed, anxious, or depleted this is a sign something needs to be adjusted.
By giving each other space, I do not mean months or years. I mean hours or at most, a few days to cool off, calm down, and process. This should not take weeks or months. Unaddressed issues just get worse and distorted over time if not handled in a timely manner. People forget what happened. They only remember what they want to remember. It's not good to let things fester.
8. Be willing to give up the relationship.
You've heard the old saying "If you love someone, let them go". If someone keeps repeating the same hurtful behaviors, it is time to let them go. If they care about you and the relationship they will change their behavior. The key is to be strong enough not to keep going back to them unless you see a change in behavior. This goes for addicts and alcoholics but also those charmers who keep luring us back by their manipulative ways.
You've heard the old saying "If you love someone, let them go". If someone keeps repeating the same hurtful behaviors, it is time to let them go. If they care about you and the relationship they will change their behavior. The key is to be strong enough not to keep going back to them unless you see a change in behavior. This goes for addicts and alcoholics but also those charmers who keep luring us back by their manipulative ways.
Those of us who were raised in an abusive environment have learned to tolerate abuse. Any form of abuse - emotional, physical, or psychological, is UNACCEPTABLE. When we keep going back to someone or letting them manipulate or otherwise intimidate us, we are in effect saying:
"It's ok for you to treat me this way" when it absolutely is NOT.
We have to come to the point where we put our well-being and self-respect ABOVE any re- lationship. We have to learn what is abusive, manipulative, or controlling and put a boundary down or get out.
Practice makes perfect.
Well, maybe not perfect, but we will become more aware of when we need to put our foot down. We need to retrain our automatic response from "Yes" to "No". We need to learn to become aware of our feelings of uncomfort sooner rather than later. At first, we might feel guilty because we are accustomed to allowing and making excuses for other people's behavior but the sense of peace and personal power we will feel from saying "No, this is unacceptable" feels so much better.
The verse from scripture that addresses this issue is Matthew 18:18 which says this: "Whatever you bind(forbid) on earth shall be bound in heaven and whatever you loose (allow) on earth, shall be loosed in heaven." In other words, if we want more peace here on earth, we have to forbid the things that cause us to lose it which includes some people and their behavior.
For Reflection
"It's ok for you to treat me this way" when it absolutely is NOT.
We have to come to the point where we put our well-being and self-respect ABOVE any re- lationship. We have to learn what is abusive, manipulative, or controlling and put a boundary down or get out.
Practice makes perfect.
Well, maybe not perfect, but we will become more aware of when we need to put our foot down. We need to retrain our automatic response from "Yes" to "No". We need to learn to become aware of our feelings of uncomfort sooner rather than later. At first, we might feel guilty because we are accustomed to allowing and making excuses for other people's behavior but the sense of peace and personal power we will feel from saying "No, this is unacceptable" feels so much better.
The verse from scripture that addresses this issue is Matthew 18:18 which says this: "Whatever you bind(forbid) on earth shall be bound in heaven and whatever you loose (allow) on earth, shall be loosed in heaven." In other words, if we want more peace here on earth, we have to forbid the things that cause us to lose it which includes some people and their behavior.
For Reflection
Who in your life causes you stress? What are their typical tactics? What boundaries can you set with them to protect your peace?
If you want more peace and less stress in your relationships, I encourage you to implement these tips. You will be amazed at how empowered and peaceful you will feel and you will begin the process of taking back your life. Do write and let me know what worked for you.
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If you enjoyed this post and would like to join our community, enter your email address in the box provided. In addition to my weekly posts, you'll also receive a copy of my free e-guide entitled "7 Steps to Finding Your Spiritual Path". It's a short read that will help you find which path is right for you.
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Stay tuned for more insights to help you find healing, wholeness, and harmony and enjoy the life you deserve!
Until next time, keep looking up!
Ariel Paz
Stay tuned for more insights to help you find healing, wholeness, and harmony and enjoy the life you deserve!
Until next time, keep looking up!
Ariel Paz
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