6 Ways to Stay at Peace Around Emotionally Reactive People

It seems like the shorter the days get,  the shorter people's fuses are. As the holiday dash and end of year activities increase, people are much more likely to be impatient, make hurtful comments, and get defensive. Over the past two weeks, I've encountered quite a few reactive personalities and maybe you have too. Today's post is about the impact of emotional reactivity and how to manage it when you are on the receiving end.  

I don't know about you, but I don't like it when when someone raises their voice. Much of the time the person isn't even aware of it and I have to say "Could you please lower your voice?" or "It sounds like you're getting defensive about this."  How about when someone  throws a temper tantrum?Tantrums are for two-year olds but apparently some adults regress when they get triggered. What about those emails with ALL CAPS and !!!!!. I think you get the picture.

Some people can brush off these emotional bombs easier than others. As a highly sensitive person and empath, I tend to feel emotions much more deeply than most people. Empaths absorb emotions easily which can cause disturbing physical symptoms.  If you happen to be the unlucky recipient of someone's emotional outburst, here are some techniques to help us all deflect the negative emotional energy and keep our peace.

1. Don't take it personally.
   Remember when someone is rude, unkind, gets defensive or reacts emotionally, it is about them, not you. Do your best to stay calm and keep your voice low. Do not get defensive and retaliate which will only escalate the interaction and cause more damage to the relationship. When someone over-reacts there is usually something going on beneath the surface that the other person may not be aware of. A good thing to say is "Did something I say upset you?" This will help the other person to realize they had an emotional reaction and gain awareness.

2. Clarify.
    If you're not sure what someone means, rather than get defensive yourself and retaliate, ask this question: "What did you mean by that?". By giving the other person a chance to explain him or herself, it will help minimize misunderstandings and hurt feelings. Many times we receive communication based on our own sensitivities. We all blurt out insensitive comments at times and we often don't realize how we come across to others until it is pointed out to us.

3. Don't overeat, overdrink, or over-exercise to self-medicate your hurt feelings. 
    Get to the root of your emotions and feelings before you sit down to eat, have a drink, or head for the gym or the track. These activities may pacify us temporarily but the healthy approach is to deal with our emotions sooner rather than later. They are not going to go away and burying them is a setup for illness down the road.

4. Set your boundaries. 
The only way relationships change is if someone changes. We have to be clear about what we will and will not tolerate in any given relationship and communicate this to the other party. Poor behavior will continue until we stop allowing it. Only one person has to change in order to effect a change in the relationship.

5. Minimize exposure to the other person.
    This is sometimes difficult to do but it comes down to how much you value your peace of mind, sanity, energy, and health. When we realize what is at stake, it becomes easier to put our foot down, as they say. We must value our own well-being over any relationship. For years, I would put up with abusive behavior from relatives, loved ones, and boyfriends until I realized how much I was hurting myself by allowing this behavior from others. I valued the relationship more than my well-being.

6. Be patient. 
    Change takes time. Wait and see if the other person is willing to try to change for the sake of the relationship. Don't expect people to change long-ingrained habits and behaviors over night. We might have to bring the same issue up many times before the other person "gets it". If they value their relationship with you, they will change. If they don't they won't in which case you don't need them in your life.

If this post was helpful and you'd like to receive my bi-weekly messages, please enter your email address in the box provided to the right. I'll also send you out a copy of my free e-guide entitled "7 Steps to Finding Your Spiritual Path". 

Until next time, stay in peace and keep looking up!

Ariel 

Keep Calm and Carry On: What We Can Learn from Our European Friends

It's fall.  School is back in session. Traffic is a mess and before long, holiday season and end of year business goals will be pressuring us to get it all done. We get short-tempered, impatient and our immune systems become depleted, but it doesn't have to be this way.

Despite the busy lives most of us lead, we don't have to let the frenetic pace of the world control us. It is possible to be more conscious and calm in our daily lives. Today's post is on staying calm despite the distractions of the day.

This week I returned from a lovely European vacation that I shall remember forever. As a writer, a European vacation provided many opportunities to observe.

Our group was composed of folks from all over the United States, Canada, and Australia. Our tour guide was Spanish and we had various other guides from the different countries we visited. It was quite an active tour but I noticed something. Despite the crowds and the schedules, our tour guides were not frenetic nor did they appear stressed or rushed. The one lady guide in Toledo was particularly at peace. Her walk and her speech were slow and deliberate. She had an air of authority and control about her despite the crowds and the lines.

In Spain, the lifestyle is quite different from that of the United States. The stores close in the after-noon for folks to go home, have a good meal, and maybe a nap. They enjoy their dinner later in the evening with friends and a good bottle of wine.

On the contrary, the American lifestyle is quite different. We run ourselves ragged all day, grab a quick lunch if we pause to have lunch at all. Dinner with family is usually reserved for sundays. We are constantly on the phone or the computer and how many of us make time to nap? I know I do.

Maintaining a calm and staying present  is a practice. Life throws us many different situations particularly when we step outside our comfort zone or we're moving too quickly. I have sticky notes to remind me to take breaks and slow down. Each day is an opportunity to learn and to practice.

When we stay calm and connected, we are less likely to react emotionally. We can make better decisions and we expend less energy. We are able to stay in the present moment and be more aware of our circumstances and surroundings. We won't be as exhausted by the end of the day.

We're all on this journey together so be kind to yourself and to others along the way. If you enjoyed this post, please share it with your friends, leave a comment or click the +1 icon. If you'd like a copy of my free e-guide entitled "7 Steps to Finding Your Spiritual Path", enter your email address in the box provided to the right.

In the meantime, stay calm and keep looking up!

Ariel

What Parents and Dog Owners Already Know

Parents and dog owners know this already. When we ask our child to take out the trash, do their homework, or help tidy the kitchen and they willing cooperate, what happens? They get a reward, right? We smile and give them praise, a star on their chores chart, and maybe even dessert.

When cute little Fido or Fifi poops outside or comes when we call them, what happens next?
They get a treat, right? There is something to be said for immediate obedience, isn't there?

When we love someone, we want to do what they ask us to do. I know as a mom, it makes me happy when my children obey me without hesitation. I love it even more when they do it without me asking them.

Consider this. God likes immediate obedience even more. What do you think would have happened if Mary had said "It's not a good time right now," when the angel told her she was going to be pregnant with the son of God? What about if Jesus had said "I don't feel like it" when it was time to go to the cross? God is looking for people who will respond in immediate obedience.

Jesus feels the same way. In fact he says in John 14:15 "If you love me, you will obey what I command." He also promises us a blessing in Luke11:28 "Blessed rather are those who hear the word of God and obey it."

But we humans have a tendency to make excuses and put things off, don't we?

When I put off things God has told me to do, I get that nagging feeling that keeps me from being at rest in my spirit. I can't seem to move forward in the other areas of my life. It's like God is saying "Take care of this first and then I'll show you the next thing." Many of us want to be blessed by God, but we don't want to follow His directions.


Do you ever get that nagging feeling? Ever feel like you want to move forward but for some reason you are being held back? Could it be that God has asked you to do something you have not yet done? If you think about it for a bit, I'm sure God will reveal it to you.

If you enjoyed this post, please click on the like button, share with a friend or leave a comment. If you'd like a copy of my free e-guide entitled "7 Steps to Finding Your Spiritual Path" please enter your email address in the box provided.

Until next time, keep looking up!

Ariel Paz

Ignite the Power Within Step 10: Learn the Lesson

Are you moving forward in life? Seeing your goals and dreams become realities? Or are you feeling stuck, joyless and  don't know why? I've felt this way myself at times and have discovered a key factor in moving forward in life. In today's post, I am going to share with you the tenth and last step in the process of igniting your personal power and discovering your destiny. 

Life is a school. We are each here on earth for a purpose and we each have a destiny to fulfill. It is up to us to figure out what that destiny is. Yet sometimes we get sidetracked by mistakes and failures. It happens to all of us but we don't have to allow our mistakes to hold us back.

Look at Donald Trump, who declared bankruptcy several times and is now a presidential candidate. Or Mohammed Ali who was banned from boxing for three years in the prime of his career. Martha Stewart served jail time for lying to federal investigators about a stock sale. All of these people made huge mistakes but then went on to be successful.

In a similar way, we each make mistakes. I married an emotionally abusive and controlling man and went through a devastating divorce. I wound up living my worst nightmare as a single mom in a culture that frowned on divorce and single parents. I learned some hard lessons during this time, but in the end overcame not only the guilt and shame of the breakup and financial ruin, but regained my self-esteem, finances, career and family.

Every mistake or failure carries a lesson with it. After a major ore even a minor failure, it is important to take the time to reflect on:
1. What our part was
2. Why we chose what we did and
3. What we need to change in order to move forward in a better way.

Perhaps you've suffered a heart attack. Now you know to eat better and exercise. Or you've felt the pain of a relationship ending. Now you know to choose more carefully who you get emotionally entangled with. Or you've felt the burden of financial debt, so you readjust your spending habits.

Instead of wallowing in self-pity about our failures, view them as learning opportunities. There is always at least one golden nugget of truth in the trials and tribulations of life.

This completes my 10 step process to igniting your personal power. If you've missed any of the steps, enter  'personal power' in the search box and they will all come up. If you'd like a copy of my free e-guide entitled "7 Steps to Developing Your Spiritual Muscle" enter your email in the box provided. 

Stay tuned and until next time, keep looking up!

Ariel 

Ignite the Power Within: 3 Steps to Getting What You Want

Are you getting what you want from life? Your relationships? Your job? Are you seeing your dreams and goals come true? Or are you stuck? Bored? Tired of the same old same old? Each day is full of opportunities and possibilities. The question is: Are we willing to do our part to take advantage of these opportunities? Today I am going to share with you the fourth step to transforming your life so you can ignite the power within and move forward into your destiny.

We have to put forth effort to make our lives a success; to fashion a life we will be happy with, and to change what needs to be changed in order to have peace and happiness. This may seem obvious to some, but sadly, many people think life owes them and they don't have to put forth any effort whatsoever. They sit idly by and wait for things to fall in their lap or for things to change on their own. Sorry, but this is not how life works, for the most part. This  entitlement attitude is not based on reality. The reality is we are not entitled to anything. You've heard the old adage "You reap what you sow," and this is a principle of life.

Every day is a chance to move forward. It is up to us to glean from each day. If we want to see progress, we need to work dutifully and diligently towards our goals. If we don't, five years from now we will still be where we are today.

The fourth step is learning to persist and persevere.

There are 3 things we need to do in order to persist and persevere. 

1. Overcome the Fear of Asking.
For many years, it was hard for me to ask for what I wanted. I was afraid to speak up. Then I realized this timidity was not working for me. I needed to be more assertive and ask for what I wanted and needed.

Some of us are afraid to ask for what we want. Singles, in particular, struggle with this. How many times does a guy pass up an opportunity to go out on a date with a cute girl simply because he's afraid to ask her out? If we are unhappy in a relationship, we expect the other person to be a mind-reader. If we are unfulfilled in our job, we expect our boss to do something. If we are unhappy with our lives, we resign ourselves to our current situation by making excuses.  This approach gets us nowhere. Our spouse is not a mind-reader nor is our boss. The cute girl is not a mind-reader either. If we are unhappy with our lives, it us up to us to take the first step and ask ourselves why. This means taking personal responsibility.

2. Make the effort to seek.
Problems are often difficult to solve and if we want to find the answer, we need to be diligent in seeking solutions. Answers don't always come as quickly as we would like but we are promised "If we seek, we will find". We must be persistent and not give up.  

3. Be willing to knock. 
This means exploring different options till we find the right one and the door opens. This applies to relationships, jobs, and our health. People in sales know this. Job-seekers know this. Successful people know this.  If one approach does not work, try something new.

This 3-pronged approach is a fundamental principle to igniting the power we each have within us.  When we master this step, we will move past obstacles. We learn that each closed door brings us one step closer to our goal and our destiny.

I cannot emphasize enough the importance of implementing this principle on a daily basis. Too many people try for while and then give up. No! We have to keep at it. This practice  develops perseverance and determination. It strengthens our character as well as well as our backbone. If we want to see changes in our lives, we must be willing to persevere.

If you enjoyed this post, please click the +1 icon. If you'd like a copy of my free e-guide entitled "7 Steps to Finding Your Spiritual Path",  enter your email address in the box provided.

Stay tuned for the next step in this exciting process and until next time,

Keep looking up!

Ariel

How to Know When the Holy Spirit is Speaking

What do you know about the Holy Spirit? Do you believe He exists? If so, how do you get the Holy Spirit and why does it matter?                          

Unless you belong to a Pentecostal church, you probably won't hear much teaching on the Holy Spirit. There is a lot of debate about the activities and functions of the Holy Spirit. Many pastors shy away from anything they don't fully understand. Talking about Jesus is one thing, at least he showed up in human form. Talking about a spirit gets into deep water for some people. But we're courageous here so jump in with me.                                  

At a recent church service, the speaker began a message on the importance of the Holy Spirit. I was glued to my seat. It is not often preachers talk on the subject. Sadly, however, the guy sidetracked to a story from his childhood talking about the "spirit of bbq" and his grandmother's cooking. His appetite for food got the better of his message so I decided to pick up where he left off.

Knowledge of the Holy Spirit is extremely important in the life of anyone attempting to live a peaceful and harmonious life. If we are unaware of the forces working within us, we are powerless to combat them and we will be defeated every time.

So today I'm going to share  a personal story  about following our inner promptings. Here's a situation that happened today.

I was peacefully working on my computer, when my cell phone rang. It was my mom.  I hesitated but answered anyway.  She was very irritated and the conversation did not go well.

"Something told me not to answer the phone, " I said to my son after I hung up.
"That was the Holy Spirit," he replied.
"I didn't listen - again." I said.

So that's how it goes. The Holy Spirit was warning me not to pick up the phone. I felt it, but I went ahead and answered the call anyway. How many times have you felt a hesitation but gone ahead and done whatever it was anyway? I had the same feeling walking down the aisle. I ignored it then, too, and the marriage ended in divorce.

God wants to protect us and guide us. When we accept Jesus into our lives, the Holy Spirit comes to dwell in us to help us. The choices and decisions in our lives lead us either towards God or away from God. We have free will and it is up to us to choose.

The Jesuits, a branch of the Catholic religion, call these inner promptings "consolations and desolations". Here is an article describing the difference. And another one here.

Following the Holy Spirit requires mindfulness. It requires us to be mindful of the feelings and promptings we get from God in the present moment.  When we slow down enough to be fully present, we are more able to feel these promptings. It is then up to us to heed them or not.

I hope you have enjoyed this post and it has encouraged you in how to tune in to that still small voice that wants to guide and protect you. If you would like to receive my free e-guide entitled "7 Steps to Finding Your Spiritual Path", enter your email address in the box provided.

Until next time, I'll be practicing listening and obeying.
Keep looking up!

Ariel Paz 

The Power of Our Words

Words have great impact. Think of Martin Luther King's speech "I have a dream" or Abraham Lincoln's Gettysburg Address. Words can motivate us to action, uplift our spirits, and fill us with hope. The right words at the right time can move mountains and stir us to become better than we are.

Words can also wound and to destroy.  A thoughtless comment can do much damage. Many times, often in a moment of frustration, the wrong words come out before we realize and we inflict an emotional scar on a loved one. Words can wound in an instant, but it may take years for the wounds to heal.

What We Say to Our Kids
A parent's words are critical to the healthy self-esteem of a child. A child's perception of themselves is formed by what they are told about themselves, regardless of whether they are true or not.  Parents, teachers, siblings - all can impact a young child. I remember being told "You're too sensitive" hence I grew up ignoring and suppressing my feelings. I learned to overlook hurtful and abusive behaviors, because I believed the lie that I was "too sensitive". Today, I listen to my feelings and emotions. They are God-given and I need to respect them. We also need to pay attention to what we are saying to ourselves and others.

What We Say to Ourselves
Are we honoring and respecting ourselves? Or are we saying things like "I'm too fat, too dumb, too old, too lazy, too whatever." What we say about ourselves comes true. It's like a self-fulfilling prophecy. Turn it around. Start saying positive things about yourself. We get enough negativity from the media, the magazines and other people. We need to be our own cheer-leaders.

What We Say to Others 
Are we honoring and respecting others or are we making "jokes" at their expense? Sarcasm is very common today as a form of humor, but Oswald Chambers, the great theologian, said this: "Sarcasm is the weak man's weapon." 

Are our words "seasoned with salt", pleasing to the ear, and uplifting to the hearer? Or are they critical, judgmental and harsh? If so, it may be time to make a change. Anthony Robbins talks about this in his book "Awaken the Giant Within". He talks about how we can change the impact of negative words by changing the words we use and increase the positive power of words in the same way.

Be Kind
My mom has a phrase I'm sure you've heard. "You can get more flies with honey than you do with vinegar." Kind words are easy to digest. They go down like a spoon full of sugar, as Mary Poppins would say. There is a difference between kind words and flattery. Flattery is fake. Kind words are genuine. Kindness is a fruit of the spirit. Here are 3 criteria we can use to measure our words:

1) Is it kind?
2) Is it necessary?
3) Is it truthful?

If the answer to these is NO, it may be best to remain silent.

I hope this post has encouraged you. We all can be more cognizant of the words that come out of our mouths. Every day is a gift and an opportunity to practice so forgive yourself for yesterday and resolve to do better today.

If you'd like a copy of my free e-guide entitled "7 Steps to Finding Your Spiritual Path" enter your email address in the box provided.

Until next time, be kind to yourself and others, and keep looking up!

Ariel