Lent: A Time to Look In the Mirror

When was the last time you looked in a mirror? This morning? In your car? Many of us spend lots of time in front of the mirror: primping, styling our hair, and making sure we look just right before we head out the door. Now I am all for looking your best, but how often do we look inside and consider the fact that our inner person is even more important?

I think Michael Jackson realized this when he sang this powerful song. 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9ocJNahTwok

On stage since a small child, Michael was always in the limelight. He had the glitz, the glamor and the fancy clothes. But as we all realize sooner or later, the glitz, the glamor and the lights fade all too soon and then where are we? When all is said and done, how much time have we devoted to shining up our souls? 

Lent is an ideal time to take a look within. 

It's a time to get alone and get quiet with ourselves and God. Too many of us are focused on outward success: money, possessions, fancy cars, jewelry, prestige. Now I have nothing against outward success but true success has nothing to do with money. How many of the rich and famous are inwardly destitute? Lonely, unhappy, and unfulfilled? Commit suicide? Look at Michael. 

True Success
True success  is about  growth, change, transformation, and becoming a kinder, more peaceful person. It's how we feel about ourselves, the steps we take to heal our hurts, pains, and insecurities, and then what we can do to make a difference in this hurting world of ours. This is what Lent is really all about; it is an opportunity to work on our spiritual and emotional selves and ask ourselves how we can become more like Jesus. We need to turn our eyes away from what the rest of the world is doing, and focus instead of what God would have us become. We need to realize the world lives in exact opposition to how God would have us live. 

Each of Us in On Our Own Journey 
We are each on our own spiritual journey, like I say in my books.  The obstacles we encounter in life are stepping stones to healing, wholeness, and harmony.  The rest will come when we get our priorities in order. "Seek ye first the kingdom of heaven and his righteousness and all these things shall be added unto you," (Matt. 6:33). The kingdom of God, as it says in the Bible, is righteousness, peace, and joy. These are all inner, spiritual qualities. 

So, when was the last time you took a good look inside? What did you find there? Be honest with yourself but remember to see yourself and others through the eyes of love with compassion and mercy, just as Jesus does. We each have our own wounds that need healing but no one ever healed by shame, guilt, or condemnation. We heal by being loved and Jesus showed us how much he loves us when he died on that cross.

For Reflection:

Are you aware of what hurts or pains you need to heal? Where is there  brokenness? Is there someone you need to forgive this season? Spend some time this week with Jesus and ask him to heal your broken places and make you whole so you can move forward into YOUR DESTINY!

Love to hear your comments on this post. If you'd like to find healing, wholeness, and harmony and ignite the power within so you can discover YOUR destiny, enter your email address in the box provided. You'll receive my weekly posts plus you'll receive a copy of my free e-guide entitled "How to Start a Spiritual Practice" to learn some tools to help you grow spiritually and do pass on to a friend who may need healing as well. 

Until next time, remember you have the power to make that change!

Keep looking up!

Ariel Paz

How to Handle Difficult People with the Help of the Holy Spirit

We all have difficult people in our lives. These folks are in our lives to teach us and to help us grow. The tendency is to distance ourselves, divorce, or run away, but life we give us the lesson in another person until we learn it. The good news is we are not left to our own devices. We have a person in our corner to help us grow and that person is the Holy Spirit. 

Now I know you may not think of the Holy Spirit as a person because there is no physical body, but there is. The HS lives in US and has feelings, emotions, and will. In this week's post, you will learn some practical ways the Holy Spirit helps us in our difficult relationships.                                                     

Relationships Can Be Tough
This is an understatement. We all crave connection and intimacy, and we all know how difficult relationships can be, especially if there is unresolved anger or resentment in the picture. Or if there are personality disorders involved it is even more difficult and many of us have them but don't want to acknowledge them these days. 

Some keys to moving forward in any relationship are: 

1. Getting issues out in the open when they first arise 

2. Discussing them in a timely manner when everyone is calm and centered. 

3. Listening and seeking to understand the other person's perspective. 

4. Forgiving and letting go of past hurts. 

5. Learning to live in the present moment rather than in the past. 

What Holds Us Back 

In our humanness, it is difficult - almost impossible - to do the steps above. 

1. We let our egos take control of our emotions and our actions. 

2. We dig our heels in and insist our viewpoint is the only one.

3. We refuse to take accountability for our actions. 

4. We find it impossible to forgive others and hold on to grudges and perceived hurts. 

5. We choose to disconnect rather than find common ground. 

Does any of this sound familiar?

What the Holy Spirit Does

This is where we need the supernatural help of the Holy Spirit. It is only by this power that we are able to be self-controlled. That we are able to forgive. That we are able to communicate clearly. That we are able to understand others. I'm sure you have experienced trying to communicate with someone and they just don't get it, or they refuse to get it. So frustrating. This is because their ego is blocking them from comprehending. 

Personal Story

So as you may know, I am a divorced lady. Decades later, my two sons are both still struggling with the effects of the divorce. My youngest has finally been expressing his anger and lack of respect for me, "because of the divorce". Recently I heard from the Holy Spirit:

"So basically, he is saying you should have stayed with his father. Do you think that would have been a better outcome?" 

Now, this was quite the revelation. I decided to confront my son with this but was very tentative as to how he would receive it. He is a Christian so I said a prayer and decided to be brave and bring up the topic. Well, praise God, after a while, he got it. He understood where I was coming from and was able to see things from a different perspective. I hope this helps him to heal and to be free from at least some of the anger and resentment going forward. 

We need to have courage and the help of the Holy Spirit to resolve differences in our relationships because the flesh and the ego need to be conquered in order to have peace, understanding, and agreement. 

For Reflection:

Is there someone in your life you need to confront? Does the air need to be cleared to have a more peaceful relationship? Ask for the help of the Holy Spirit and he will empower and enable you to have the conversation. Of course, if the other person is not a Christian, there is no guarantee of the outcome, but at least you will have tried to bring peace to the situation as we are called to do. 

If you found this series helpful and would like to join our community, simply enter your email address in the box provided. You'll receive my weekly posts AND a copy of my free eguide entitled "How to Develop a Spiritual Practice: a guide to looking inward and upward", and remember, communication and community are a two-way street so do connect with me and others on Facebook, Twitter, and Instagram @ArielPaz08,

In the meantime, check out my other offerings on Amazon, Barnes and Noble, and Apple. Pop on over to Pinterest and enjoy the collection I have curated for you. I just recently started posting on Instagram so follow me there too! Excited to share my first audiobook "7 Steps to Finding Your Spiritual Path." is now on Google Play. It's short but interesting read if want to understand how we find our spiritual path and how to change it when we need to. 

Thanks for reading, and stay tuned as we learn more on how to ignite the power within so you can take back your life and discover YOUR destiny!

Your feedback is appreciated on this post 

Until next time, stay connected and 

Keep looking up!

Ariel Paz

 

 

How Not to Let Your Emotions Get the Best of You

Ever get caught up in the heat of the moment, do or say something mean and then regret it later? Who hasn't? Dierks Bentley, one of my favorite country singers, has a song that goes "I knew what I was feeling, but what was I thinking?"

Emotions and feelings cause us to say and do the most stupid even deadly things sometimes. One of the strongest emotions is anger, and we have all seen what pent-up anger can provoke one to do. 

Another powerful emotion is fear and it's cousin, anxiety which can lead to overwhelm. Both of these cause us to think and act irrationally. What's more, they steal our peace and joy, if we don't master them.

What really happens when we get overly emotional? 
The two sides of our brain compete for control. The left hemisphere controls logical, analytical, rational thinking. The right side controls our creativity, intuition, and expression of emotions. When our emotions take over, our rational logical thinking goes out the window. An example is when we fall in love, those butterflies and daydreams make us completely oblivious to the reality and flaws of the other person. All we can think about, is how they make us feel. 

In a similiar way, when we are angry, the anger takes control of our brains and causes people to strike out in harmful, hurtful, and even deadly ways. We say things we later regret. We lash out at innocent family members because we are mad at the boss, or someone else. Remember, words can never be taken back. 

Fear and anxiety can take over our rational thinking as well. We start imagining all sorts of horrible outcomes which usually never materialize. These thoughts and feelings can manifest as panic attacks which are an example of a distorted perception of reality. What's worse is when we start verbalizing these to others and suck them into our quagmire.

Unexpressed negative feelings result in physical symptoms. 
On the flip side, unexpressed emotions are dangerous as well. Not unlike a volcanic eruption, unexpressed feelings can result in a tumultuous explosion and then, after the fact, we wonder "What was I thinking?" or "What were they thinking?" The truth is we weren't thinking because the thinking side of our brain was hijacked. 

Unexpressed negative emotions can result in a multitude of physical ailments such as skin problems like cystic acne & boils, headaches, digestive issues, weight gain, high blood pressure, dizziness and imbalance and many others.  Stroke and heart attack can both be caused by strong emotions. Is it any wonder so many people are on prescription drugs these days? Our bodies are speaking to us and if we supress or ignore our negative emotions, we will suffer physically as well as emotionally and mentally.

Negative thought patterns also affect our emotional well-being. 

As psychologist James Allen says in his book, "As a Man Thinketh", our thoughts control our not only our destiny but our bodies and feelings as well.  If we start thinking negative thoughts, we will soon feel depressed, anxious and down. The more we dwell on negative thoughts the more power we give them. If left to continue, unexpressed anger can turn into depression.

What to do?
Here are some techniques I've discovered to help me be more aware of what I am feeling so I can maintain my equilibrium and my mental and emotional health. Give them a try and see if they help you too.

1) Tune in to your body
Pay attention to signals your body is sending such as a fluttering stomach, tightness in the chest, headache, rapid breathing, feelings of anxiety. Also any behaviors done in excess such as over-eating or over-drinking, shopping, and excoriation are all signs of emotional distress.

2) Be aware of your triggers
We each have areas that we are sensitive about. For example, I have realized that one of my triggers is about finances and money. Having come from a poor single-mom home, and gone through a bankruptcy with my ex, I am super sensitive when it comes to money issues and ultra concerned about making wise financial decisions.

We need to be aware of what our triggers are and realize what the fear is behind them. This will help us be more aware when we discuss these topics and help us not to over-react when the topic arises. Perhaps you have a trigger of low self-esteem. Any time someone makes a comment directed at you, you get defensive. Ask for clarification rather than reacting and saying something hurtful back. Two wrongs don't make a right.

3) Take a time out
Distance myself from the person or situation to diffuse rather than escalate it. The longer we expose ourself to an angry or anxious person, the more effect they will have on us. Emotions are transferable, so this is a crucial self-care step. The Bible says "Do not associate with angry people lest we become like them, and endanger our souls" (Prov. 22:24 TLB)

If I feel myself getting worked up, I immediately lower my voice which helps to calm me down.  I am getting better at recognizing my emotions in the moment and the cause of them. If I don't realize it immediately, I give myself alone time to calm down and get quiet so I can get in touch with what is bothering me.

Another option is to walk away, get off the phone or go into another room. Don't allow yourself to get drawn into an emotional maelstrom which I know is easier said than done. Just yesterday I was on the phone with my adult son and it turned into a two hour conversation because of unresolved issues from the month before. Bottom line, don't let hurts accumulate. We have to deal with them in a timely manner, not a month later. 
   
4) Pay attention to your thoughts
Notice the thoughts going through your mind. What am I thinking? Is it true or is it fear-based? Often we have negative beliefs that do not serve us but continue to control our behaviors and actions. Thinking we are "unworthy" or "stupid" or "lazy" or "old" or "fat" will steal our joy and our self-esteem. Watch the self-talk. 
- Practice mindfulness.
- Refuse to dwell on negative, worrisome,  or fear-based thoughts.

- Replace negative thoughts with positive, encouraging thoughts. 
- Give the other person the benefit of the doubt.
- Clarify misunderstandings by asking questions like "What did you mean by that?" rather than assuming the worst. 

- Realize you don't have to take action on every thought that comes into your mind. We have to evaluate our thoughts and make a conscious choice whether to act on them or not. 

5) Look for the positive. 
    Choose to think healthy positive thoughts.
    Find something positive about a negative situation.
    Read inspirational books and material like this blog.
    Listen to uplifting music.
    Dance.

    There is always another way to look at things. 

    We never really know what another person is thinking or feeling.

    Take a positive action: go for a walk, listen to some music, do some yoga, do something to take care of yourself. 

6) Journal.
     Writing my thoughts and feelings on a regular basis helps me to:
     a) be aware of my thoughts and emotions
     b) helps me to distance myself from them so I can look at them objectively and unemotionally
     c) helps get them out of my body and onto paper

7) Practice prayer and meditation
     Connect with your inner self and with the God of your understanding.
     Listen to what the still small voice is telling me
     When we settle down enough to pray and meditate, we calm the mind which, in turn, calms the body. Calming the mind also helps quench any fears or anxiety we may be experiencing.

For Reflection 
The more we understand about the connection between our thoughts and our feelings, the better we will be able to control both and the stronger our personal power will become.  Can you recall a situation where your emotions got the better of you? How did you feel after? Journal this situation. 

If you'd like to join our community and receive a copy of my free e-book entitled "How to Develop a Spiritual Path", please enter your email in the box provided and I'll get it right out to you. I welcome your feedback on my posts.

Until next time, stay turned for more practical and spiritual wisdom on how to ignite your personal power and remember, keep looking up!

Ariel Paz

Life is the School, Love is the Lesson

Funny how a bumper sticker can capture a whole philosophy in one simple phrase. Saw this one on the car in front of me at the gas station and it made me pause to reflect on it.

"That is exactly true", I thought to myself while pumping gas.

I have always believed life is a school of sorts. We are here to learn and to grow spiritually and emotionally. Here are some of my quips:

"If life is a school, why are some people stuck in kindergarten?",

"Repeat after me, this is a test, this is only a test" and 

"If life is a school, why does it take me so long to learn the lesson?" 

And then there are those who don't learn their lessons and will have to give it another go-round, if you get my drift.

Who are You Loving
This bumper sticker was a powerful reminder to me of where my focus ought to be. Life is all about learning to love ourselves, others, and God in a balanced and healthy way. It seems strange to me that some Christians don't believe you should love yourself. What? Remember the second greatest commandment "Love your neighbor as yourself." A pastor friend recently told me on Facebook that the concept of loving ourselves is from our "modern culture." Again, what? I'd "love" to hear your thoughts on this one. 

Balance is Key 

It takes practice and awareness. Most of us tip towards one direction or another and it's only when problems arise, we realize we have been out of balance in our love walk. For example, take the workaholic who neglects his/her family and ends up dealing with an affair, a divorce, or a rebellious teen. The scales were tipped too heavily on the work facet of life, right? Or the mother who idolizes her kids but neglects her own well being. Who is she not loving?

Don't Play the Blame Game 
So what to do? When problems arise, don't just push through them or ignore them. Problems in life are a sign that something needs to be addressed. We must take responsibility for our lives and not continually blame our parents, our boss, or other people. That's what Adam and Eve did way back when. It wasn't the answer then and it isn't the answer now.

The answer is to realize what part I have played in the dramas in my life. Ask myself these questions:  "How loving have I been - to others, to myself and ultimately, to God?" "Did I do the honorable thing?" Most of the time the honorable thing is the most difficult thing to do. But that's where courage and integrity come in. Am I living according to my highest values or am I succumbing to the pressures of others, society, my past hurts and wounds? It takes self-reflection and courage to heal our wounds. 

Call it Karma 
If we want to move forward in life, we must take responsibility for our actions. It is true, we reap what we sow. Call it karma if you like, but you get the idea. Whenever we fail to do the loving thing towards ourselves or others, it will always come back to bite us. We will get back what we put out. Learning to love is a lifelong practice and the good news is we get plenty of opportunities.

For Reflection
What relationship needs some tending? Who can you be more loving towards today? Your spouse? Your parents? Yourself? Love to hear your thoughts on this post so drop me a note via email or leave a comment on the blog or on Facebook. 

Thanks for reading. If you enjoyed this post and would like to join our community, please enter your email in the box provided. When you do, I'll send you a copy of my free e-guide entitled "How to Develop a Spiritual Practice".  

Stay tuned for more positive and practical wisdom and until next time, keep looking up!

Ariel Paz

All rights reserved. If you wish to use this material contact me at arielpaz08@gmail.com

How to Make a Huge Difference in Your Relationships

If you could do one thing that would improve the quality of your relationships in a big way, would you do it? Since we're talking about communication and relationships this month, I want to share some tips on how you might connect better with your loved ones. 

Research Says
Did you know people feel and experience love differently? According to Dr. Gary Chapman, author of the book series on the 5 love languages, there are five ways people experience being loved. Today, I am sharing on the second love language and how it can make a huge difference in your relationships.

Psychologist William James says that one of the deepest human needs is to feel appreciated. The second love language is words of affirmation. Many people experience love through positive words. These include but are not limited to: praise, encouragement, compliments, approval, and appreciation.

For the Guys 
Many men have a hard time expressing their feelings. In particular, saying those three little words "I love you". "Oh, she knows I love her. Look how hard I work for her," you might be saying to yourself. Guys, if words of affirmation is her love language, she needs to HEAR it from you directly, especially your mother. No woman gets tired of hearing these 3 little words. 

In the same way, she needs to hear "You are so beautiful!". Just be sure it is sincere and not overdone. I once dated a guy that told me I was beautiful so often, I actually got tired of hearing it because it seemed manipulative. Words of affirmation need to be sincere, from the heart and not overdone. 

For the Gals 
Same thing for you gals out there. The men in your life need your affirmation and acceptance as well.  He needs to HEAR how much you appreciate the things he does for you.
"Thank you for picking me up."
"I appreciate you watching the kids today."
"Thank you for taking care of dinner tonight".
"You look great in that suit."
"Your muscles are so sexy." 

"I appreciate you listening to me." 

"Thank you for putting gas in my car." 

Increase the Positive

Relationship psychologists say it takes 5 positive comments to make up for 1 critical comment. People often get a kick out of making fun and criticizing others. Listen to the comics on television and on stage. People pick up this habit and think it is funny but look how depressed many famous comedians are off-stage. Take Robin Williams as an example. 

When someone is insecure, they feel better about themselves when they make someone else feel less than. This may be funny to some, but no one wants to be put down. Negative comments can cause or open up wounds that have been trying to heal. If you want to see your relationships flourish, try being more affirming and less critical. Look for the positive. Everyone needs encouragement which is one of the reasons I write this blog - for you friend!

Just Zip it

It is easy in the heat of the moment to blurt out a harsh, mean, or critical comment. We justify our actions by blaming the other person, but ultimately WE are RESPONSIBLE for what comes out of our mouths, not anyone else. 

It is our responsibility to control our emotions and our actions. These days, it seems no one wants to be held accountable and everyone wants to judge. I'm sure you've heard the phrase "If you don't have anything nice to say, keep your mouth shut" or something like that. I still have work to do in this area, too. I like to give advice, give my opinion, judge another's choices. Smack me, would you? Each of us is responsible for our own decisions and our own lives. And each of us will reap the consequences of our decisions - good or bad. Sometimes we have to just let go and let God. 

It's Biblical 

The apostle James exhorts us to "Be quick to listen, slow to speak, and slow to get angry" James 1:19). When you feel yourself getting emotionally wrought up, take a breath, take a break, walk away and calm down before you say something you will regret later. Hurtful words said in the heat of the moment damage relationships and can never be taken back. 

Relationships are imperfect at best and some are smoother than others but there is always room for improvement. If someone you love is distant or cold and you don't understand why, try using more words of affirmation and see if you get different results.

 

Two good reminders about our speech come from Scripture.

Ephesians 4:29 encourages us in this regard: "Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths but only what is helpful in building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen." 

Colossians 4:6 says "Let your conversation be always full of grace, seasoned with salt, so that you may know how to answer everyone." Every year I choose a word or a scripture phrase to focus on for the year, this year, my word is Kindness. There is always room to come up higher in this area. Who can you be more kind to?

For Reflection

Who in your life could use some words of affirmation? When was the last time you said "I love you" or "I appreciate you." to your significant other or family member? What words can you use to encourage and uplift a friend or loved one? 

If you enjoyed this post and found it helpful, do let me know by leaving a comment. I appreciate your feedback. If you'd like to join our community enter your email address in the box provided. You'll receive my weekly posts plus a copy of my free ebook entitled "How to Develop a Spiritual Practice ". Do be sure to check out my offerings over on Pinterest. You'll find info on a plethora of topics. 

Until next time, give someone a compliment and remember, 

Keep looking up!

Ariel Paz

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All rights reserved. If you wish to use this material contact me at arielpaz08@gmail.com

How to Set Better Boundaries

What stresses you out? I don't know about you, but certain people stress me out. And most of them are family members. Sadly. I find myself ruminating on how I could have/should have handled situations differently during the day. The answer is always "set better boundaries" and that is the topic I'm sharing on today. 

Boundaries are HUGE in regards to limiting the stress in our lives. Just because someone is a family member, doesn't mean we always have to say "yes" to them or agree with them. It doesn't mean we have to ALLOW - say ALLOW - poor behavior. We can have our OWN opinions even if they disagree with us or tell us otherwise. And we deserve to be treated with RESPECT AND KINDNESS. 

Since one of the goals of this blog is to help us to find more harmony in our lives, it is important to realize that stress also comes from taking too much c--- from other people. Pardon my french. Today we'll be talking about how to reduce the stress caused by other people by setting firmer boundaries. 

If we want  more peace in our lives, we MUST learn:
 a) to minimize or eliminate the stressors from our lives 
 b) how to deal with people a healthier way and
 c) set firmer boundaries sooner

I bet you'll agree a lot of stress comes from other people - usually those who are related to us or are emotionally connected such as a spouse, a boyfriend, a son or daughter, a close friend.

Are You Too Nice?

It doesn't matter who in your life is causing you stress.  For years, I have allowed too much c--p from boyfriends, relatives, ex-husband, and close friends and it has been very unhealthy for me. Poor boundaries are usually at the crux of the problem. This was a tough lesson for me to learn and I keep getting  refresher courses. 

Perhaps like me you've been told "You're too nice". Nice people get hurt - a lot. Until we get to the breaking point and declare "Enough is enough." So what to do about people who cause you stress? Here are 8 tips to put into practice starting today.

1. Tell the other person how you feel. 
Yes, it takes vulnerability to express our hurts, but it also is a sign of self-respect and shows a willingess to want to improve the relationship if it is to move forward. People are not mind-readers. Many times the other person is oblivious to how their behavior is impacting us so it is up to us to make them aware.
 
The difficulty here is that some people are not emotionally mature enough to hear you. Don't be surprised if they get defensive, raise their voice, or get angry.

Personal Story 

Several years ago, I confronted a long time friend who had divulged a confidence to her entire family and who knows who else. When I asked her about it, she got very defensive and retorted "Well then, just don't tell me anything anymore!"

What kind of friendship is that? A friendship is built on trust.  She did not take ownership. She did not apologize. People who react this way are not emotionally mature enough to handle direct confrontation. Or they may also be too insecure or prideful to face up to their actions. Don't let this be you. Fess up when you screw up and make amends. It can help you restore a broken relationship. 

If someone really and truly cares about you, they will care about your feelings. They will apologize and take ownership of their behavior. They will offer to make amends and attempt to change going forward. This is what you want if a relationship is to grow. 

2. Refuse to allow bad treatment. 
This might seem obvious, but I am guilty of allowing mistreatment because I valued the relationship more - apparently - than I valued my own well-being and mental and emotional health. I made excuses such as "Well, he's my son" or "He's my husband". Forget it. 

No person has the right to mistreat another either emotionally, physically, or verbally and this includes name-calling, labeling, raising their voice, blaming, and judging. These are all toxic behavior patters that should not be tolerated. It is time to put your foot down and stop allowing them to get away with disrespectful behavior.

This is where boundaries come in. Instead of making excuses for the other person, we need to GET REALLY CLEAR on what we will and will not allow and make that clear to the other party. For example, I told my mom that she needs to calm herself down before she calls me for help. Emotions are contagious. I cannot have her anxiety streaming over to me. To her credit, she learned how to calm herself down most of the time. 

3. Do not tolerate psychological torment and manipulation. 
Since he was a teenager, my oldest son has disconnected from me for months and years at a time. This has been a pattern. Meanwhile, I was an emotional wreck wondering when or if I would hear from him again. This is a form of manipulation and control. When he finally reconnects and I ask him why he disconnected, he never has an answer. Disconnecting for long periods of time is mental manipulation. The Bible says "Do not let the sun go down on your anger," which means deal with issues sooner rather than later. Don't put off confronting but some people are weak and afraid. If someone disconnects from you and you try to make amends but they are not interested, it is in your best interest to LET THEM GO - no matter who it is. Why lose your peace over something you cannot control? 

Do not allow yourself to be imprisoned by another person's immaturity. If people don't want to be in relationship with you - no matter who they are - you don't need them in your life. Period. Let God take care of them while you take care of you. 

4. Clearly communicate the change you want to see or the need you want met. 
This is a very key component to moving forward in a healthier way. Apologies are a nice first step but you cannot have reconciliation without behavior change. Be very clear about what you need from the other person. Some examples are:
"I need you to keep your voice down when you talk to me."
"I need you to be on time when we are going somewhere."
"I need you to not drink so much when we go out."

"I need you to control your temper."

"I need you to be kind to me."

"I need you to stop blaming me for...".

A handy tool to communicate your needs is an "I feel" statement. "I feel threatened and unsafe when you raise your voice to me." Never start a sentence with "You...". This will immediately put the other person on the defensive. Make it about YOUR needs and feelings.

5. Expect the other person to put equal effort into the relationship going forward. 
 Often codependent people put all the work into relationships. We feel it is our responsibility to make a relationship work when in reality, it takes two to make any relationship work. If you feel you are constantly the one to reach out, connect, or try to clear the air, there is something out of balance.

Relationships are a two-way street. The Bible says "Love your neighbor AS YOURSELF." In other words, love YOURSELF first and then love others. Somehow as a codependent, I missed the part about loving myself. 

When we pull back, we allow the other person to step up to the plate. I remember telling my mother this years ago. Her answer was "I didn't know I had to put effort into our relationship." Wow. 

6. Learn to set healthier boundaries.

If we are continually hurt or taken advantage of, half of the responsibility lies with us. People will continue to act out, until we refuse to allow it. We need to know and respect our own limits - what we will and will not tolerate and what makes us feel stressed or pressured. This is where the word "No" is powerful.  Here's a recent personal story to illustrate.

Personal Story 
On a visit with family who live out-of-state, I had the "opportunity" to hear "No" quite a bit. My then 80-something mother refused to let me drive her car. As anyone who has driven with an elderly person knows, their reactions are not quite as timely as they need to be. With all the sudden braking and accelerating, I wound up getting motion sick several times till I finally refused to go anywhere with her unless I drove.  I had to say "No" to her "No". This is called "setting healthy boundaries": say no to any behavior that is hurtful or harmful. To her, driving was a control issue. To me it was a safety and health issue.

7. Put distance between yourself and the other person. 
 If the other person cannot or will not accept your boundaries, then it may be time to give each other some space. This means emotional and physical distance. Give them space and give yourself a breather.

You don't have to be the one putting all the effort into the relationship. Ask yourself how you feel after you've interacted with this person. If you feel stressed, anxious, or depleted this is a sign something needs to change.

By giving each other space, I do not mean months or years. I mean hours or at most, a few days to cool off, calm down, and process. This should not take weeks or months. Unaddressed issues just get worse and distorted over time if not handled in a timely manner. People forget what actually happened. They only remember what they want to remember. It's not good to let unresolved issues linger. 

8. Be willing to give up the relationship.
You've heard the old saying "If you love someone, let them go". If someone keeps repeating the same hurtful behaviors after you've asked them to change, it may be time to let them go, hard as that can be. If they care about you and the relationship they will change their behavior. It may take some time depending on how busy they are or how much energy they have to change. The key is to be strong enough not to keep going back to them unless you see a change in behavior. This goes for addicts and alcoholics but also those charmers who keep luring us back by their manipulative ways. 

Those of us who were raised in an abusive environment have learned to tolerate abuse. Any form of abuse - emotional, physical, or psychological, is UNACCEPTABLE. When we keep going back to someone or letting them manipulate or otherwise intimidate  us, we are in effect saying:
    "It's ok for you to treat me this way" when it absolutely is NOT.

We have to come to the point where we put our well-being and self-respect ABOVE any relationship. We have to learn what is abusive, manipulative, or controlling and set a boundary or leave the relationship. 

Practice makes perfect. 
Well, maybe not perfect, but we will become more aware of when we need to put our foot down. We need to retrain our automatic response from "Yes" to "No". We need to learn to become aware of our feelings of discomfort sooner rather than later. At first, we might feel guilty because we are  accustomed to allowing and making excuses for other people's behavior but the sense of peace and personal power we will feel from saying "No, this is unacceptable" feels so much better.

The verse from scripture that addresses this issue is Matthew 18:18 which says this: "Whatever you bind(forbid) on earth shall be bound in heaven and whatever you loose (allow) on earth, shall be loosed in heaven."  In other words, if we want more peace here on earth, we have to forbid the things that cause us to lose it which includes some people and their behavior.

For Reflection

Who in your life causes you stress? What are their typical tactics? What boundaries can you set with them to protect your peace? What is holding you back from setting better boundaries? 

If you want more peace and less stress in your relationships, I encourage you to implement these tips. You will be amazed at how empowered and peaceful you will feel and you will begin the process of taking back your life.

If you want to learn more about taking back your life, order a copy of my book, "Take Back Your Life: 5 Keys to Reclaiming Your Personal Power" available at your favorite online bookseller or thru me at a discount. Simply use Zelle to email me (arielpaz08@gmail.com)  $3.99 and learn how to get your power back. 

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Stay tuned for more insights to help you find healing, wholeness, and harmony and enjoy the life you deserve!

Until next time, keep looking up!

Ariel Paz

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How to Face Life's Unexpected Challenges

So how is your January going? Overwhelmed with the start of the new year and all the decisions, activities and to-dos? Not to mention the bitter cold and strange weather patterns, the fires in California, and seasonal health concerns. It's all a bit much, isn't it? Well, you are not alone. We are all facing challenges that can feel overwhelming. So this week, I am offering some suggestions on how to maintain our peace and our joy during these challenging times. 

1. Slow Down and Regroup

Now I know this seems contrary to what our normal tendency is, but when things get overwhelming, and we keep pushing, there is an increased chance of a mishap. Slowing down gives us time to think about what is really the most important. To reprioritize. I bet the folks in California are reprioritizing right now. My top priority is "keeping my peace." 

"But I can't slow down. There's too much to do." you may say. Let me tell you this. If we don't slow down, the powers that be will slow us down; we'll get sick, get a flat tire, have an accident. We are not meant to run on overdrive, especially when added factors like cold, bitter weather are added in to the mix, adding more stress to everyday life. 

2. Put Yourself First

As a woman, I know women tend to put other people first most of the time. But the older I get, the more I realize how important it is to take care of myself first. I ask myself these questions:

- What do I need now?

- How do I feel now?

- Do I need to take a break now?

- Do I really need to deal with this now?

Don't pressure yourself to go, go, go, do, do, do. After 30+ years in the workforce,  I have a sticky note that says "Take the pressure off." Much of the time, we put the pressure on ourselves and it is unhealthy. We are human beings, not human doings. If you're a guy reading this, encourage the woman in your life to take care of herself. Give her a massage. Take the kids out for the day. She'll appreciate it so much. 

3. Take a Few Deep Breaths

When life is pressing in on you, step back and take a deep breath. Take a few in fact. Slowing down our breathing helps slow down our minds. It calms our heart rate. We gain clarity. We get off the rat wheel mentally. 

4. Give it to God 

Often, we try to control the uncontrollable. The fires in California are UNCONTROLLABLE. Our relatives and family members are UNCONTROLLABLE. 

Basically, the only person we have control over is ourselves, and even that is a challenge. 

One of my favorite verses from the Bible is Philipians 4:6 which says "Do not be anxious about ANYTHING, but in all things with prayer and supplication let your requests be made known to God and He will give you peace that surpasses all understanding."

Faith is believing that God is on our side and that he is working all things ultimately for our good although it may not seem like it at the time. God does have a plan and a purpose for these trials, just as he did with Job. God is still in control and he is the one who allows these things to happen. Our job is to discern the lessons he is trying to teach us in the process. Otherwise we are doomed to repeat the same sorry situations.

For Reflection 
So, dear friends, take heart. Be encouraged. If your situation is particularly challenging, ask the Lord what he may be trying to tell you and what actions you need to take. My favorite verse these days is Romans 8:31 which says, "If God is for us, who can stand against us?" And the answer is no one and nothing. What do you need to turn over to Him today?

Stay tuned for more on how to ignite the power within, keep your peace, and discover YOUR destiny!

Until next time, 

Keep looking up!

Ariel Paz