How to Be a Better Communicator

Have trouble communicating with others? Are you shy and introverted or gregarious and extroverted? Good communication is an art and a practice. It is a critical component in healthy long-term relationships. The way we communicate with others can make or break a relationship. People have different styles of speaking. Some, like my Mom, like to chit chat about what ever is going on in their day, others like to discuss sports or the latest news event, while others prefer to discuss deeper topics that stimulate thought and reflection. All of these are perfectly fine, depending on the circumstances. The key is to recognize what style we use and be aware of how to connect with people who have a different style than our own.

Today I am sharing the 7 types of communication styles I have encountered. There are probably more, but these are the ones I have noticed. Perhaps you recognize yourself in one or more of them as I do. Sometimes we are not even be aware of our communication style and wonder why we have difficulties in connecting with others.

But first, what actually is good communication? Is it simply idle chatter or is there more to it? Good communication is uplifting and edifying to the hearer. Words are spoken gently rather than harshly so that our words are soothing rather than abrasive to the listener. It is not only the words we speak, but how we say them.

Good communication is a two-way street. There is a healthy give and take between speakers. One person does not monopolize the conversation for long periods of time - that is called a monologue. In order to foster intimacy and connection, we need to be willing to share our inner thoughts and feelings with safe people.

Three questions we can ask ourselves before we open our mouths are these:
1) Is it kind?
2) Is it encouraging?
3) Is it necessary?

If what we are going to say does not pass this litmus test, it may be best to remain silent. Listening is a gift we give to others. I used to tell my sons we need to listen more than we speak and that is why God gave us two ears and one mouth.

Today we'll take a look at some different styles of communication. Not everyone has the same style of communication and it is important to realize this in any relationship if it is to flourish. The more aware we are of our own communication styles, the more selective we will become in choosing friends and partners in life. It is not a matter of one style being better than the other. It is a matter of the two styles meshing together harmoniously. Most of us use a mixture of several styles and sometimes we may need to modify our style to foster better connection.

1. The self-conscious speaker:
This type of person shares slowly and very little. They speak in short sentences and are usually the quiet ones in any group. They need to be made comfortable and then coaxed to come out of their shell. Once a certain level of trust is achieved, they will slowly share more. They need to be encouraged when they do speak.

2. The small talk speaker :
These people love to spend hours on the phone just talking about their day, their dog, the weather, the latest sitcom. These people like to "shoot the breeze" as it's called. They value talking for the sake of talking.

3. The negative speaker:
These folks come in different flavors but the commonality is their conversation is negative. They also focus on negative events as a source of discussion. They complain often. They bemoan their lot in life on a regular basis. These conversations are unhealthy and unproductive and they do not foster healthy relationships. Negative speakers have a negative world-view and unless you are one of them, you may not enjoy a relationship with one.

4. The goal-oriented speaker:
These folks call with a purpose in mind. They have a request, or a question that needs answering. They consider small talk a waste of time. Their conversations tend to be direct and to the point. They need to understand others are not all like this and balance their conversations with some personal connecting.

5. The self-absorbed speaker:
These people are similar to those in #2. The difference being they only talk about themselves and what's going on in their lives. They rarely, if ever, ask you about your day, how you are feeling, or give you time to share something from your day. If they do, they are usually not paying attention to your response and move on to their next sentence without a validating response to what you have said. These are the people that go on and on and you can't get a word in edge-wise. They need to take a breather and learn to listen more and give feedback on what the other person has shared.

6. The withholding speaker:
This person is on the secretive side. He/she shares, but only partially. If you are around this person long enough, you will begin to realize information is not being shared in a timely manner or you will hear the "news" from other people before you hear it from them. They do not realize that withholding information is harmful to the relationship especially if the other person is sharing personal information and they are not.

7. The deep thinkers:
I've been told I fall into this category. I much prefer to talk about deeper subjects rather than mundane ones. I like to get to know a person's innermost thoughts and beliefs and understand the why of things. Deep thinkers tend to see connections where other people don't. These types of speakers need to seek out other deep thinkers. They will be on the same wave-length and feel less irritated by people whose communication style has less depth.

One more tip for good communicating is to utilize pauses. After you finish a few sentences, take a breath. Wait and count to three and allow the other person to respond. If you are on the listening end, pause and count to three before you start talking to make sure the other person has finished what they wanted to say. This will help to ensure a smooth and balanced flow to the conversation.

For Reflection 
Have you identified your communication style in any of the above? What changes can you make to improve your conversations? Would love to hear your feedback on this topic so please leave a comment. 

If you enjoyed this post, do join our community be entering your email address in the box provided. You'll receive weekly positive thoughts as well as my free eguide entitled "7 Steps to Finding Your Spiritual Path". 

Stay well and 

Until next time, keep looking up!

Ariel Paz

3 Steps to More Peace During Painful Times

People today are struggling with the challenges, surprises, and painful situations in life. What is it that is challenging you today or causing you pain? Is it a financial situation? A relationship issue? A child? Your job? Or perhaps a health issue? What if it's all of the above?

How do we cope? Some resort to alcohol, drugs, food, illicit relationships, or workaholism to name a few. These are all ways of distancing ourselves from the pain and the issue. They are both unhealthy and destructive. These feed the flesh, soothe us temporarily, yet do nothing to address the real issues of life. They keep us stuck in the same pothole.

As odd as it may seem, trials are actually good for us. We lift weights and run longer distances to strengthen our physical endurance. In the same way, life presents us with trials and tribulations to give us opportunities to strengthen our emotional and spiritual endurance.
"Consider it pure joy, brothers and sisters, when you face various kinds of trials, because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance." (James 1:2)

I am going through something right now at work with my boss. Seems we have a difference of perspective on how to handle situations. Challenging? You bet. Stressful - of course. But I have learned not to waste the pain.

Remember the old saying "No pain, no gain". I believe it is true. In order to grow in our faith and our character, when we experience trials it is important to find out what the lesson is we are supposed to learn. Yes, we cry out to God and shake our fist at the seeming injustice. But fret not, the Lord promises us that He will avenge us and encourages us to trust Him to take care of any injustice done to us(Romans 12:19).

So how to cope in a healthier way?

1. Take a step back and wait for the emotions to settle down.
I give myself a few days to pray about the situation and ask the Lord two questions: "Lord, what am I supposed to be learning from this?" and "How am I to deal with this?" I read the Word and wait for God to answer. He always does. It is truly amazing how faithful God is when we seek to do the right thing. Just yesterday I received the same direction from two different sources to "love my enemy". The more I prayed, the more revelation I received about the situation. After taking it to the Lord in prayer,

2. Take action.
I am a firm believer in clearing the air, and yes, it does take courage to confront. I have also learned it is much better to confront than to sweep things under the rug, because sooner or later the issue will resurface and need to be dealt with again. Clearing the air and reaching an understanding prevents bitterness, anger and resentment from building up inside, which is never a good thing. When negative feelings build up, eventually the relationship with disintegrate and cause even more pain.

3. Surrender it to God.
We can only do so much. It is important to differentiate between what is our responsibility and what belongs to others to deal with. Once we have done our part, the best thing to do is to give it to God. We may not receive the response we desire, but God is still working on people even if we don't see any evidence of it. Not everyone is at a maturity level to be able to handle confrontation. Some people would rather end the relationship than work through difficult emotions and again, this is out of our control. It means this person is no longer meant to be in our lives at this season.

So, dear friends, the next time you are going through a rough patch, don't waste the pain. Learn from the it and grow. If you'd like a copy of my free guide entitled "7 Steps to Finding Your Spiritual Path", enter your email in the box provided and as always, remember to keep looking up!

Ariel 

Korean Seaweed Soup with Mussels

Nothing is better than a hot pot of homemade soup on a cold winter day. Today I made Korean Seaweed Soup with mussels. Seaweed is packed with nutrition and is great for new mothers. It is quick and super easy to make, just be sure you buy fresh mussels and clean them well.

Step One: Assemble ingredients.

1 tbsp. Sesame oil
1 tbsp. Soy sauce (I use low-sodium)
1 pack of fresh mussels
1 package of dried seaweed
1 12 oz container organic low-sodium chicken broth
water
2 tsps. minced garlic

Step Two: Clean the mussels.
Here's how.
Video of how to clean mussels:

Step Three: Rinse and Soak the seaweed.
Break the dried seaweed into small pieces and put in a bowl to soak with cold water. The seaweed will expand a lot. Rinse and drain several times.


Step Four: Saute the garlic and the seaweed
Drain the seaweed. In a dutch pot, saute the minced garlic in a small amount of sesame oil and soy sauce. Add the drained seaweed and enough water to cover. Bring to low boil.

Step Five: Add chicken broth.
I use low-sodium, no msg organic chicken broth.
Continue to slow boil.

Step Six. Taste.
Taste the broth before adding the mussels. Add additional soy sauce if needed.

Step Seven: Add the mussels

Cover the pot. After 3 - 5 minutes, check the mussels. If any of them have not opened, discard them as they were not alive.

Serve with rice or by itself. Enjoy!

If you liked this recipe, visit my Pinterest board for more delicious recipes.
If you'd like to join our community, enter your email address in the box provided to receive my bi-weekly posts and a copy of my free eguide " 7 Steps to Finding Your Spiritual Path". .

Until next time, eat healthy and keep looking up!

Ariel Paz

Take Time to Reflect as the New Year Begins

As the door to 2015 closes and the door to 2016 is opening wide, we can choose to look back, to look forward, or to do both. Some are already thinking of new goals, plans, and projects to accomplish and usually I'm right there with them. As I pondered what I would like to say to you on this last post of 2015, I realized I'm not yet ready to jump full-speed ahead into the New Year. Perhaps you, too, may not be quite ready for 2016.

A lot happens in the course of a year and it is important to take some time to reflect back on all of it. A lot of lessons came my way and I want to make sure I not only remember them, but continue to implement them in 2016. I want to ensure I align my activities with what my priorities are today. I don't want to drift back into the same old patterns out of habit.

Here are some of the lessons I've been shown this year:


Live in  the present moment. 

Honor what I'm feeling first.

Let myself off the hook.

I don't have to understand everything.

It's time to slow down. 

Balance activity with rest. 

I don't have to keep up with the world.  

God's got my back. 

Meditation is important. 

Accept people where they're at. 
 

In this world of over-achievers and perfectionism (myself included), our fast-paced lifestyle and urgent work ethic can take a huge toll on our health, our relationships, and our energy. Sometimes I think about retiring to Brazil where the national motto is "Relax!" They take time to enjoy the beaches, the sultry rhythms of the samba and the bossa nova, and having drinks with friends along the strip. No one is in a rush. 

If you're not ready to usher in the New Year, it's okay. Take your time. Reflect back on what made you smile and brought you joy in 2015. How can you bring more joy into your life in 2016? What made you stressed, upset, pressured? What can you change to be more resilient and have more peace? When we make time to reflect on our lives, we bring more awareness into the present moment and awareness is the first step to transforming our tomorrows. 

If you related to this post and would like to stay in touch, please enter your email address in the box provided. 

Until next time, I wish you a well-chosen New Year. May you soar on wings like eagles and shine like the noon day sun!

Ariel Paz

Why You Should Say "No" to Your Adult Children

Grandparents raising their grandkids. Adult children moving back in with their parents. Parents continuing to pay for their grown children's expenses. Thirty and forty year olds still living with Mom. Any of these sound familiar? I see more and more of these situations and it pains me so much I decided to write a post on the issue.

It's normal for parents to want to help out their kids - to a point. After that point, it becomes an issue of enabling. There I said it. As a recovering codependent, it took me many years to learn this lesson. "I'm just trying to help her". "But he's in ______ (you fill in the blank) trouble/jail/rehab again." "He's my son, for heaven's sake. I can't just let him _____".
Yes, I hear you. It is tough to say no to your kids, but at some point, we are no longer helping them, we are preventing them from taking responsibility for their own choices. In reality, we are hindering them from becoming the responsible adults they are intended to be.

This is not a new problem. In fact, it's been around since ancient times. You know how people say the Bible is irrelevant and outdated? Well, let me share a story and then see what you think.

So you probably have heard of David, of David and Goliath fame, yes? You know how he slayed the giant with a slingshot and a few stones and then went on to become king of Israel after many years of being chased by sour grapes king Saul. Well, King David had several sons. One of them, Amnon, raped his half-sister, Tamar. However, the Bible and the Dead Sea scrolls record that although David was angered, he did nothing about it (2 Sam 13:21) "because he loved him as he was his first-born son." So Absalom, another of David's sons, took things into his own hands, and had Amnon murdered. Again, David did nothing. After several years of separation, David allowed Absalom to come back home. And what did Absalom do then? Plot to overthrow his father, the King, that's what. Long story short, it wasn't until David was on his death-bed that he finally had the courage to stand up to his sons and declare Solomon as his heir.

One of the lessons in this timeless story is that even the best of parents can be too lenient on their adult children. Years of dysfunction, hostility, and hatred resulted because David refused to say no to Amnon's behavior. This story is a warning to parents. We must learn to say "No" to our adult children. In other words, we must learn to put our foot down and say "Enough is enough." Mothers are especially guilty of this because we love so much and perhaps, dare I say, we may lack the courage to stand up to the men in our lives.

Here are a few lessons I have learned and for you to consider if you find yourself in a similar situation:
1) Realize our children are adults first, relatives second. Treat your adult child as you would any other non-related adult.
2) Break the habit of saying "Yes" sooner, rather than later.
3) Realize you are enabling your child, rather than helping him/her to grow up.
4) Loving your kids means teaching them responsibility, not dependency.
5) Supportive means emotionally, not financially after age 30 or maybe even sooner.

Sometimes the hardest choices we make have to do with our own family members. But remember what Jesus said when asked who were his brothers and sisters and mother. His reply was "Those who do the will of my Father." Doing the right thing is usually the hardest thing to do.

I'd like to hear your thoughts on this issue. What situation have you encountered when you have said "Yes" when you really should have said "No"? How did you feel after? What can you do differently next time?

For your free copy of my "7 Steps to Finding Your Spiritual Path" enter your email in the box and I'll get it right out to you.

With love and encouragement remember to keep the faith and keep looking up! Everything works for our good.

Ariel Paz

One Thing Missing from the Law of Attraction

What is it that you want to "attract" into your life today? Riches? Love? A bigger home or a new car? Better health? What will you do to get these things? Work more hours? Join an internet dating site? Think positive thoughts?

There are many belief systems out there that tell us how to receive the desires of our hearts. One of them is called "The law of attraction" which gained immense popularity in 2006 with the book entitled "The Secret". The basic premise of the book is that we can attract whatever we desire in our lives simply by thinking about it. The book promises that by focusing on the object of our desires, things such as money and relationships will "magically" appear in our lives.

The interesting thing is this book has sold over 6 million copies in many different languages and has spawned a whole series of books along these lines. Millions of people adhere to this concept. The law of attraction is a modern twist on the "The Power of Positive Thinking", a classic book by Norman Vincent Peale with one major difference. 
 
Last weekend I was visiting the mall and decided to have my hair straightened at one of those kiosks that sell flat irons. So there I am in the chair ready to be beautified when the young lady straightening my hair, perhaps 20 maybe 22 years of age, starts asking about my relationship status. I don't know why, but people always seem to be very interested in that topic for some reason.

"I'm single," I replied.

"Well, you need to start thinking about Mr. Wonderful and start expecting him to appear at any moment."

She's talking about Faith - believing in what has not yet been seen. I smiled.

But no, during the entire conversation there was not one mention of God. She went on to explain to me about how the law of attraction works. Now I am somewhat familiar with the concept and what struck me was the fact that she was the  second gal I had met in the past two weeks who believed in the law of attraction. Was I attracting these people to me, I wondered? Or vice versa? Was I supposed to talk to them about God? God seems to have a funny way of matching me up with people who don't believe in Him like Buddhists, fallen away Jews, etc. Anyway.

Now I am all for thinking positive thoughts, believe me. In fact, scripture exhorts us to think on good things: "Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable--if anything is excellent or praiseworthy--think about such things." (Phil 4:8). So in that regard, the law of attraction is in agreement with scripture.

However, one key ingredient that the law of attraction seems to be missing is the importance of God. God has the starring role in our blessings. James 1:17 says "Every good and perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of the heavenly lights,".  Notice the word "every" and then notice the word "Father".

We are all on our own path and we each have our own journey in life. So who is to say, perhaps when we think more positively we do attract more good things into our lives. But could it be because God is rewarding us for changing our thinking? On the other hand, how many people have thought about winning the lottery but have yet to do so? So we cannot say that the law of attraction works every time, can we?

So now I ask you - do you believe in the law of attraction? Do you believe that simply by thinking about your desires they will appear in your life?Or do you believe that there is a God who wants the best for us and is more than willing to bless his children according to his will for our lives? I would love to hear what you have to say about this topic.

If you'd like to receive your free guide entitled "7 Steps to Finding Your Spiritual Path" please enter your email in the box to the right. It is what I call a non-denominational guide for anyone who'd like to seek and grow their spiritual life.

 Until next time, keep looking up and remember - good things happen to those who wait upon the Lord.

Ariel

How to Communicate with a Difficult Family Member

Ever wonder why you were born into your family? Why you can't seem to get along with a particular relative? Or avoid certain people because you can't see eye to eye? Do you keep attracting the same type of people into your life? Difficulties in relationships are normal. In fact, to a greater degree than we realize, conflicts and misunderstandings are meant to teach us something, if we take the time to seek out the lesson. If not, we will keep encountering the same types of people. Ever notice that? How then to deal with these difficult people in our lives so we can have more peace and less frustration?

I know what you're thinking - avoid them - that's the easy answer. As in most situations in life, the easy answer is usually not the best answer. It is easy to blame the other person or say "We just don't get along". It takes effort to get to the root cause of the difficulty and then try to find a solution. But if we want to preserve our relationships, and family relationships should be preserved, if I dare say so, we have to put some work into them. The good news is this means we are going to grow. I also believe growth is the primary reason we have difficult relationships. If we got along with everybody, we would have no need to change, right? Let me give you a recent example of a situation that happened with my mom and see if you can relate.

My mom is 86 years old and lives by herself in a big house a plane ride away out of state. After a recent incident that happened when she was getting out of the pool, I thought it might be time to have the "maybe you should consider selling the house" conversation. Now my intentions were out of pure concern for her well-being. I know what it's like to have to take care of a house all by yourself and she is 86! I tried to help her see the benefits of downsizing while she is still in relatively good health but by the tone and volume of her voice, it was clear she was not keen on the idea. Then she says she felt like I was pressuring her. Now I know I can get passionate about things, especially when it comes to people I care about so perhaps that came through and was misinterpreted. For some reason, I didn't realize it was time to disengage. The frustration level was rising because I felt she didn't understand that I was sincerely trying to help her. Let's just say the conversation was not very productive and I'm sure both of us were equally frustrated. Ever have a conversation that went like this?

Of course, we all have. So what to do about it to prevent a future recurrence? Here are 5 take-aways on how to handle difficult conversations:


1) When the other person's voice is going up, speak in an equally quiet tone to deescalate the emotion.

2) When having a "crucial conversation" be sure to keep my emotions under control even if attacked.

3) Realize no one wants to be told what to do at any age.

4) Make the suggestion and then let it drop. Don't keep giving more reasons for my side of the issue.

5) Take some time off to cool down and think things through rationally.

Life will continue to present us with challenging situations otherwise known as opportunities for growth. So when we blow it one day, remember tomorrow is a new day. Forgive yourself, forgive the other person, and take the time to understand how the situation could have been handled differently. Life is a school and we are here to learn.

Who in your circle is difficult to deal with? Do you avoid this person at all costs or simply maintain a casually cool relationship with them? How could you interact with this person differently and more lovingly? In the end, learning to love one another is what all of this is about. How can I be kind in this situation? How can I show this person love and respect?

If this post has resonated with you or has been helpful, please post a comment below and click the +1 google icon at the top. If you'd like to receive your free copy of my mini e-book entitled "7 Steps to Finding Your Spiritual Path" enter your email address in the box to the right.

Until next time, keep looking up!

Ariel