Charleston Shootings - Is Forgiveness the Way?

Another horrific massacre took place last week in Charleston, SC. A twenty-one year old young man opened fire in a bible study group and killed nine victims including an 87 year old woman as well as the pastor of the church. The young man was eventually apprehended and his license plate bore the emblem of the confederate flag. In a video, the tearful pained voices of the victims' relatives expressed their hurt and forgiveness to the unemotional lad who stood between prison guards. How does one respond to such an injustice as the loss of a loved one. Is it wise to offer forgiveness to an unrepentant soul?

Now I am all for forgiving others, but I wonder if perhaps this process has been misunderstood by some so I began to do some research. When we are hurt or offended by another person, we usually experience a wide variety of emotions, so let's explore these for a moment to see how they are to be handled.

When someone hurts us, there are many reactions we may feel; some of these are healthy and some are not. We may feel hurt, grieved, saddened, and sometimes devastated. These are all normal emotions and especially in the case of the death of a loved one. We need to allow ourselves to feel these emotions fully. To deny or forgive the other too quickly is both unhealthy and unwise. We need to take the time to feel and to grieve. Another response is the desire to want to get back at the other person. This is known as the desire for vengeance. So what about when we feel the need to "pay them back" for the hurt they've caused us?

The sense of injustice is reasonable. However, when we harbor thoughts of vengeance, these negative thoughts poison our mind and steal our peace. It would do us well to remember that we, too, have hurt others. When we let go of this need, and give it to God, we rid ourselves of that poison. It may be difficult, even painful, to forgive, but unforgiveness hurts us even more in the long run.

I was surprised at how quickly the relatives were to offer forgiveness to the perpetrator who showed absolutely no sign of remorse or regret. Does such a person deserve to be let off the hook, so to speak, so quickly? Is this even biblical?

There are many verses in Scripture that tell us to forgive and how many times to forgive. There is one verse however that may shed some light as to when to actually forgive someone. It is found in Luke 17:3 and reads "Take heed to yourselves: If thy brother trespass against thee, rebuke him; and if he repent, forgive him.". This is from the King James Bible, perhaps the oldest and most accurate version. Notice the caveat - if he repents. In other words, we are not commanded to forgive unrepentant people. Let's use another scenario.

Say your child tells you a lie or steals money from you and you find out about it. As a parent, you don't stop loving your child, but would you insist the child apologize? Or would you say "I forgive you" and then let the whole issue drop? If you do, the chances of having a repeat performance is likely to occur, would you agree? The role of a parent is to develop character in their children and teach them right from wrong. When we insist on moral behavior it does not mean we do not love our child. In fact, good discipline is a necessary component of raising healthy adults. There is one more consequence of forgiving too quickly.

When we forgive someone who is unrepentant, we take away the opportunity for real change and growth. Most human beings have some sort of conscience, and without the chance to repent, the person will wallow in guilt and shame. The purpose of true guilt and shame are to bring someone to accept responsibility for what they have done and to change. Then and only then, are we to forgive them for they have shown a change of heart and a true sorrowfulness for their actions.

Now this post might be controversial. I would like to hear your thoughts on this topic. We must stem the tide of these killings and hold the perpetrators responsible. Let me know your thoughts in the comments below.

Until next time, keep looking up!

Ariel

What to Do When You're Mad at Your Partner

Your boyfriend, spouse, significant other, good friend or loved one said or did something that hurt your feelings, let you down, or angered you in some way. Or perhaps you have had a misunderstanding or difference of opinion and you sense something is not quite right between the two of you. What do you do?
a) say nothing and secretly simmer
b) blast the person right then and there
c) if married, tell your spouse you have a headache that night or use some other passive-aggressive approach such as not returning phone calls or declining invites
d) end the relationship or distance yourself from that person
e) wait for your emotions to simmer down, think through what you want to communicate, and then bring up the subject as soon as possible

The best answer, of course, is e which is known as healthy confrontation. This post is a crash course in confrontations skills which will:
1) give you a healthier attitude towards confrontation,
2) teach you some basic skills and
3) encourage you to deal with small issues before they become major problems which could cause you to lose a good friendship or relationship.

Confrontation has gotten a bad rap. I often hear people say "I try to avoid confrontation," like it is the flu or something. I don't think they realize confrontation is a healthy behavior, designed to preserve a relationship. The term "confront" means "face to face". In other words, to be direct with the other person. Why then are so many people hesitant about confronting an issue?

The reason, I think, is two-fold: a) they are afraid of bringing up a touchy subject and b) they lack the skills to be able to handle conflict.  Here is a personal story.

The other day in the gym, I ran into a neighbor. This neighbor and I had made plans to get together twice this year and both times she has cancelled at the last minute with little explanation. Now I know things come up, and if someone has a legitimate reason, I am very understanding. However, after two occurrences, I felt it was time to say something. My neighbor had no recollection whatsoever of having previously cancelled, tried to justify herself and got defensive :( This was not what I had hoped for, but when we confront someone for the first time, we don't know how the other party will react. People have to be at a certain emotional maturity level to be able to handle confrontation properly.I was hoping for a response along the lines of "I'm so sorry I had to cancel again. I know it was disappointing to you. I hope you can forgive me." Now that would be taking responsibility and letting the other person know you care about their feelings.

Contrary to popular belief,  the goal of confrontation is to preserve relationships. When we make the effort to address issues, we allow the opportunity for the air to be cleared, for changes and amends to be made and for the relationship to grow. It is a win-win for both parties. Unfortunately, many people lack the skills to address confrontation and avoid it altogether.  The consequences are ugly and we end up losing a friendship that could have been preserved by a straight-forward and honest tete-a-tete.

What happens when we do not deal with issues? Hard feelings eventually build up and we tend to explode over some other minor infraction because we have not dealt with the real issue.  I have seen numerous 30-yr plus marriages and long-time friendships disintegrate because issues were allowed to build up over the years. Then one day, the deeply offended party decides to suddenly end the relationship leaving other party is stunned and clueless. You've heard of situations like this, right? So sad.

You have probably heard the adage "Do not let the sun go down on your anger," and this is wise advice. When we harbor negative feelings we only harm ourselves. Chances are we will not have a good night's sleep. Many couples stay up all night trying to resolve an issue. My experience is this: issues cannot always be resolved right away. If more than an hour has gone by, it is time to give the subject a rest and come back to it another time. Obviously, you are at an impass and it is time to take a break.                                                                          

Some tips to keep in mind when dealing with sensitive issues:

1. wait till the hurt of the injury has subsided before attempting to address the problem
2. address issues in a timely manner, before you explode, over-react or decide to end the relationship
3. do not allow too much time to go by or the other person may forget what happened
4. avoid sweeping problems "under the rug"
5. gently speak to the other person at a time when you are both relaxed, face to face if at all possible. Consider the amount of stress you both may be under.

In order to have a good outcome, both parties must be mature enough and have the desire to want to work through the problem in order to restore the peace and the relationship. My experience is after I work through a situation with someone, I am closer to that person. I appreciate their willingness to work through it together and that makes the relationship and the other person even more precious.

Which do you think is better: to continue to overlook things and store up hostility and then explode or to openly voice your feelings in a timely manner and get the matter out in the open? I'm interested in hearing your thoughts on this subject so please comment.

Here's to healthier and happier relationships, Hope these tips help you deal with those sticky issues. If you'd like to receive a copy of my free e-guide entitled "7 Steps to Finding Your Spiritual Path" enter your email address in the box provided. Until next time, keep looking up!

Ariel Paz

Don't Wait for a Sign. Take a Step of Faith.

Seems like single guys and gals both have the same problem - how to read the signs that the person they are interested in is interested in them. This has long been an issue amongst my single friends, so I thought I'd share an anecdote about it, and do what I can to help the situation. I'm all for couples getting together and sometimes we shy folk, (yes, me included) have a bit of a time deciphering the signs. Now, I'm going to tell you up front, I'm going a bit out of my comfort zone with this post, so please do write and let me know your thoughts, ok?

This past Friday, I decided to go to the west coast swing dance. Most of you know that I love to dance, right?

Lord, please let me meet some new people tonight.

As I entered the ballroom, everyone was smiling and dancing, glad to release the cares of the week. The lights were dimmed and the rhythm of the music electrified the air.  I noticed a few new faces and smiled to myself.

Thank you, Lord. I see some new people here.

It wasn't long before one of the new faces asks me to dance and to be honest, he was quite the dancer. Cute, too and plus, he made me laugh. I'm starting to feel something.

So the second time he asks me to dance, he starts telling me how hard it is for guys to know when a woman is interested. My ears perk up. Then he shares that he only gets phone numbers from women he isn't interested in. Now I start to chuckle.

Hmmmm. Funny I feel the same way.

"Well, I have to tell you, we women have the same problem. And I will admit, I have been told I need to send louder signals." We both smiled at the absurdity of it all and decided to enjoy the fun of the evening.

As I thought about the conversation on the way home, I analyzed why men are so afraid to ask. I think it basically boils down to two fears:
1)  the whole fear of rejection thing
2)  the 'She's not interested in me'  mentality

Both of which stem from a basic lack of - dare I say - faith. You knew I was bringing it around now, didn't you?

Luke 11:9 puts it this way "Ask and you shall receive. Seek and you shall find. Knock and the door shall be opened to you." This is a promise, kind of like an if-then statement for all my techie friends. If we ask in faith, God promises to answer. It's a fact. This verse has been tested by yours truly over and over, so trust me, it does work.

Somehow many of us have a hard time asking for what we want. We feel we are unworthy. Or God is too busy to answer our prayer. Or some other lack of faith excuse. Just as we women want you guys to ask, God wants us to ask. How much more of a sign do you need?

Lastly, consider this: if we don't have the courage to step out in faith and ask, the answer will always be no. So what will you do next time? Will you still be looking for a sign? Or will you take a step of faith and ask?

Hoping this post encourages some of you to have a bit more faith, and to step out of your comfort zone. What situation are you hesitant about? Asking for a raise? A date? More time with your beloved?

If you'd like to join our growing community and receive a copy of my free guide entitled " 7 Steps to Finding Your Spiritual Path" please enter your email address in the box provided.  

 Until next time, keep looking up.

Ariel Paz

How to Hear from God

Ever feel like God is "up there somewhere", distant? Think He's too busy for you and your "stuff"? Perhaps you go to church on occasion and pray from time to time when things get really tough. You believe God exists, but you don't really know him on a personal level.

Know God on a personal level? Is that even possible you may ask? The answer is a resounding YES! It is not only possible, God wants to connect with you on a personal level. Yes, YOU! He is crazy about you and cares about everything you care about. In fact, He wants to help simplify your life. He wants to make things go well for you. He wants to give you your heart's desire. But, like any good relationship and like the saying goes, it takes two to tango.

What is the key component of a good relationship? Communication, right? It all starts with talking. Well, it's the same thing with God. He wants us to talk to Him: not just on sundays, not just at church, not just when we're in a bind. Let me give you a quick example.

The other night, I was contemplating what to do with my Friday evening.

"Lord, should I go to the movie or to hear the music?"

Go to the concert.

No, I'm not crazy and no, it was not an audible response, but let's just say, I have learned to listen to that still small voice, for the most part that is.

"But, you know how much I love to dance and I hate sitting there with no one to dance with.. and besides - it's been raining all afternoon". 

Silence. I don't think God likes to repeat himself.

So off I go to the concert. The sun began to peep its face out and the skies began to clear. The music starts. My feet are a-tapping and my hands are a-clapping. You get the picture. Next thing I know, out of my peripheral vision, I notice this guy walking towards my chair. I turn to look at him.

"Would you like to dance?" he asks. Now I will tell you I have been to this event many times over the summer and this is the first time someone from the crowd has asked me to dance.

"I'd love to," I replied delighted. I could tell the guy enjoyed dancing as much as I do. He was smiling from ear to ear and in his own world.

"Thank you, Lord," I uttered to myself. "Thank you for sending someone to dance with me tonight and for keeping the rain away. Thank you for a fun evening."

Now this is just a simple story but it kind of gives you the idea. When we are unclear about a decision, or need assistance - say finding a parking spot, deciding what to do or where to go, it is to our benefit to talk to God about it. In fact, there are several scripture verses that speak to this:

"In all your ways, acknowledge Him and He will make your plans straight." (Prov. 3:6)
"Ask and it will be given to you, seek and you will find." (Matt 7:7)
"Pray without ceasing," (I Thess 5:17).

For Reflection
I encourage you to start talking to God about the little things in your daily life as well as the big ticket items. God is interested. When we have an attitude of gratitude, it shows our gratefulness for our blessings. You will see more of God in your life because God wants us to know him. Why do you think he created us? Share a situation in which you connected with God or post a comment on your thoughts about this post. I'd love to hear your story.

If you'd like to receive a copy of my free e-guide entitled "7 Steps to Finding Your Spiritual Path" enter your email address in the box provided and I'll get it right to you.

Until next time, keep smiling and keep looking up!

Ariel Paz

Stay Connected - Part 1

What would we do without cell phones, tablets, blackberries and bluetooth? They have become indispensable these days, yes? People are texting, tweeting, googling and emailing much of their day. Corporations and now even churches allow tweets in an attempt to engage people. Staying connected today is in some ways easier than its ever been. But what explains the fact that so many feel disconnected? Alone? Misunderstood? What explains the increasing rate of suicide among teens?

Today, a friend shared a story that illustrates a worst case scenario. She sent birthday wishes via Facebook to a friend she hadn't seen in a few years. They had both been close due to similar health issues but then one moved out of state. After reading some of the comments, my friend came to the shocking realization that her friend had died - 3 years ago!

Now, I'm all for social media, please don't misunderstand. But could it be that all this tweeting and texting is merely a façade? A cheap imitation of the real thing?

True connection takes time, thought, and energy. True connection is a meeting of the heart and soul of two people, not just the minds. You know when it happens. No, wait - you feel it when it happens. Your soul feels connected to another, understood at a deep level, cherished. You are totally and completely "in the moment". Hours can pass and you suddenly look at your watch and exclaim:
"Where did all the time go?"

These are what I call God moments because when two souls connect, God is present. You realize time is not really all that important because, after all, time is a construct of the human mind. You come away feeling fulfilled, honored, loved. It is a precious gift we give to another. Just like choosing a special gift for that certain someone, true connection requires time, thought, and energy.

The soul craves connection: to others and to God. In this fast-paced "hurry up and get it done so I can move on to the next thing" world, what are we to do?  Would love to connect so do post a comment and let me know your thoughts on this.

If you'd like a copy of my free e-guide entitled "7 Steps to Finding Your Spiritual Path" enter your email address in the box provided.

Until we meet , keep looking up!

Ariel Paz

When the Going Gets Tough

March is upon us. It seems the weather can't seem to make up its mind. One day it is blustery and cold and the next it feels like spring. Changing from one season to another seems to be difficult even for mother nature and for we human beings, seasons of change and transition can be even more challenging. But not to fret. Just as the blossoms of spring are sure to bloom, so too, we will blossom and bloom when the time is right.

Ever feel like God is calling you to something new but you don't know what? Perhaps you've lost your passion for things that used to motivate you or don't know what season you are in right now, but I can tell you this. When things get uncomfortable and stuff starts happening, you can be sure something is up, but it is not the time to throw in the towel.

Someone said to me recently "You are used to toughing things out" and I realized that is true. I have been. As a single parent, working a demanding career, and not having family support around, it has been quite tough. But there are times in life when we need to tough it out, regardless of what others think or say. What really only matters is what God thinks and says. What matters is doing the right thing no matter how hard or inconvenient it may be.

So let's put this into more practical terms. Are you in a difficult marriage or relationship? Tough it out. Are you struggling with health issues, financial issues, or house problems? Tough it out. Are your kids doing the wrong thing even though you've taught them otherwise? Tough it out.

Too many times we throw in the towel because the going gets rough. Too many people get a divorce, quit their job, or disown their kids because things aren't going the way they would like them to go. Guess what? That's life. Life is not always a bed of roses. Things don't always go according to our plans and schedules. Sometimes people make poor choices that affect us. As a friend used to tell me, "It is what it is." So, what to do in these seasons of challenge when the whirlwinds swirl all around us?

Two words. Have faith. As I say in my book, faith is the power behind the promises, the fuel that fires up our engine. We all have it to some degree because it is a gift from God. The question is are we going to activate it? There are things we can do to strengthen our spiritual muscle to get thru the tough seasons of life. For more, check out my newly revised edition on Amazon.com or your favorite online retailer and in the meantime, keep looking up!
http://www.amazon.com/The-Power-Faith-journey-wholeness-ebook/dp/B007P90GDU/ref=sr_1_cc_1?s=aps&ie=UTF8&qid=1395253800&sr=1-1-catcorr&keywords=the+power+of+faith+ariel+paz

Ariel Paz 

This is Only a Test

Has the weather got you down? Things taking longer than you'd like to change? Traffic getting on your nerves? Or maybe you've picked up a few pounds, lost your job, or are just plain stressed out by life in general? It seems winter can be a particularly grueling season to get thru. If so, you are not alone, trust me. Everywhere I go people are asking the same question "Is this ever going to end?" And the answer is always yes. Or as I like to say "This too, shall pass."

Trials and difficulties are not unusual. Things don't happen as quickly as we'd like. Our plans get side-tracked by accidents, illnesses, or other unforeseen circumstances. I call them tests. What irritates you? What makes you lose your peace? What makes you ditch the diet and hit the sweets or the peanut butter? If you stop to take a look at your life, I bet you'll
see a few patterns of your own.                          

This week, I've had a lot of tests and I'm sure you have as well. Like when the smoke detector on my cathedral ceiling went off at 4 am. Or when the heavily coughing neighbor stepped into the elevator with me. Or when I couldn't get the casters on the newly delivered office chair to fit into the base.

Every day is usually a series of tests. Will I be kind? Will I guard my tongue? Will I not react? Will I ask for help? Will I trust? Will I be positive? Will I reach out to help someone else? Will I be generous? Will I be patient?

A good day is when I only have one or two tests and I pass them both. When I reflect back on my day, I think about how well I handled a certain situation. Then there are those days when I remember  how I reacted or what I said or thought and have to ask the good Lord for forgiveness. Self-reflection can be quite a humbling experience, that's for sure.

The good news is every day we start with a clean slate.  God's mercies are fresh every morning. I try not to hold a grudge against anyone, including God or myself. Forgiveness is the key to moving on and staying in peace and living in joy. Faith is knowing that whatever happens, God will see us thru it.

So, what kind of tests have you had this week? Pick one scenario that really gets your goat and then resolve to be at peace with it the next time it happens. Resolve to have faith and trust God to provide whatever is needed for the situation and He will. All we have to do is ask.

Until next time, repeat after me "This is a test. This is only a test." Before you know it, you'll be speeding along the highway of life and getting an "A" on the quiz!

Ariel Paz