How to Enjoy More Freedom in Your Relationships

Do you feel frequently offended? Do you have expectations of how people should behave? I know I do and you probably do as well although we may not be aware of these unspoken expectations. Today's post is about revisiting our personal "rules" so we can enjoy more peace and less stress in our relationships and in our lives.

We each have a set of personal rules that dictate how we interact with and judge others. Our "rules" also determine how we view ourselves and the world. We get peeved because our notion of how things "should" be is not always in line with how things really are. These personal rules are established over time according to our beliefs and values. Some rules are healthy and reasonable, while others are quite silly or no longer useful. Here's a personal example.

As a long time single, I have had a rule that said "If someone wants to see me over the weekend, he needs to call me by Wednesday" so I can plan. The problem with this rule is most men don't plan. They wing things. If the fancy strikes them, they pick up the phone. Several guys have called me at 4 or 5 pm on a Saturday to see if I was free that evening. I was insulted but I accepted!

When we expect others to behave in a certain way, we set ourselves up for disappointment. As a woman in the business world, I learned to expect email and phone call replies within 2 business days. The problem I encountered with many of my school teacher friends was they didn't abide by this protocol. It took me a while to figure out the problem, but when I did, I had much more compassion and was less frustrated with them.

Often, we live by these unspoken personal rules and expectations but we are unaware of how they are impacting our lives and the lives of others. Here are some areas to review from time to time:
   - dating rules
   - housecleaning rules
   - relationship rules
   - parenting rules
   - friendship rules

Is my rule reasonable? How does my rule affect the other person? Is this rule helpful or unnecessary? What may have served us at one time may not be serving us today.

The key to remember is that love is freedom. When we love, we allow the other person to be free to be themselves. We do not require them to conform to our rules or expectations. No one likes to be controlled or manipulated. I know I don't. If we want more harmony in our lives, we would do well to reevaluate rules that cause disconnection or division.

If you enjoyed this post or found it helpful, please click the +1 icon. Feel free to forward to a friend or leave a comment. If you'd like to join our community and receive my bi-weekly posts, enter your email in the box provided. You'll also receive my free eguide entitled "7 Steps to Finding Your Spiritual Path". 

Until next time, stay tuned for more practical and spiritual wisdom so you can ignite the power within and discover YOUR destiny!

Keep looking up!

Ariel Paz

Cinnamon Apple Brown Rice Bowl with Cranberries

Tired of the same old breakfast items? Me too! So I decided to invent my own rice bowl concoction.  This brown rice/quinoa mix only took about 25 minutes and makes a delicious hot meal on a cold winter day. This recipe makes enough for 2 days or 2 servings.

Here's what you need:

1 cup brown rice/quinoa mix or plain quinoa
1 tsp cinnamon
1/2 c. chopped apple
1 c water or coconut milk
2 tbsps dried cranberries or chopped dates
1 tbsp. sweetener of your choice. I use brown sugar or stevia.

Place all ingredients in rice cooker. Cover and let simmer till done. Voila! A whole grain hot breakfast with fruit, protein, and a bit of calcium.

Top with a dollop of plain vanilla yogurt for some extra calcium and protein. Try it and let me know what you think.

For more delicious recipes, visit my Pinterest board.  Enjoy!

Ariel Paz 

7 Practical Steps to Enjoying More Rewarding Relationships

Ever feel like you're repeating the same problems over and over, either with the same person or with different people? It's so frustrating! I've learned when this happens, there is a lesson I have not learned. Conflict, although not pleasant, is actually a good thing. It is a sign that something is not working in a relationship. If you missed Part 1 of this message, check out my post entitled "5 Benefits of Dealing with Conflict".

Conflict resolution is a skill we learn as we go. It is not something taught in school, unfortunately, but we learn in the school of life. I think they should make it part of the curriculum. I bet we'd have a lot less divorces.

Studies show that couples who are able to resolve conflict are the ones who are able to maintain their marriages. Relationship expert, John Gottman, talks about this in his book "The 7 Principles for Making Marriage Work". 

Here are 7 practical steps to help you deal with conflict and enjoy more rewarding relationships.

1. Pay Attention to your Feelings
It's taken me years to get in touch with my feelings. My mother always told me I was "too sensitive". I learned to push them down and ignore them which is both unhealthy and unproductive. Our feelings are trying to send us a message to help and to guide us. If we ignore what we are feeling, we don't receive the message, miss the message and worse, end up making poor decisions we later regret.

At age 20, I ignored the warning signs my body and spirit were sending me and plunged into an emotionally unhealthy and abusive marriage that lasted 15 ugly years. This is what can happen when we ignore our feelings and our gut.

2. Address issues 
When we address issues in our interpersonal relationships, we get them out on the table in plain sight. In other words, we bring light to the darkness. Rather than avoid issues and sweep them "under the rug", it is much healthier to deal with them upfront. It is an opportunity for the wounded party to express their feelings and for the other party to change or make amends. Anger often builds because we do not understand why the other person is acting in a certain way. Communication and discussion lead to understanding which is a key component of resolving differences and preserving healthy relationships.

3. Express Your Feelings 
Sometimes we are aware of the behavior we want the other person to change and we focus on that, but we forget to explain how the person's behavior makes us feel. Experts instruct us to use "I feel...." statements when we are bringing up issues. "You always..." statements are blaming and unproductive.  "I" statements do not indicate self-centeredness. Using the "I" formation keeps us focused on what we are feeling rather than what the other person is doing. The objective is to not put the other person on the defensive. The goal is to communicate and work as a team to resolve the problem. Sadly, this is something many people are not aware of.

4. Recognize when you're at an impasse 

Conflict, tension, and anger all tell us that there is a problem in the relationship that needs to be addressed. If we continue to have the same discussion  over and over again and nothing changes, we are at an impasse.  Don't keep hitting your head against the wall by trying to discuss the same issue over and over. We have no control over whether another person is ready or willing to receive the message we are trying to pass. If time goes on and you're not seeing any changes or progress,

This means either:
1) the other person is not willing to change or
2) the other person is unable to change. They are not at a level of maturity that enables them to be able to change.

If someone truly cares for you and wants to preserve the relationship, he or she will make a reasonable effort to change.

5. Give It Some Space
When we are at an impasse, it is time to take a break from the relationship whatever way you can. If you don't live with the person, don't call them or visit them. I don't care who it is. Parents and children are not exempt from this. Do not feel guilty. You are taking steps to preserve the relationship and your sanity since the other person is not budging. One caveat is we don't know how the other person is going to respond. He or she may completely sever the relationship, but this is out of your control. This means they didn't value it enough in the first place, so you have lost nothing really.

6. Grieve the Loss 
This is not an easy pill to swallow. Close relationships are precious. When they don't work out, it is painful and grieving is a necessary part of the process. Allow yourself to feel your grief. It is sad. It is painful. But remember, it will pass. You will move past this.

At some point, you will realize the relationship was not healthy in the first place. Be gentle with yourself during this time and don't be quick to rush into another relationship just because you miss the other person and feel lonely. Give yourself time to heal and to reflect on what could have been done differently on your end so you can move forward in a more healthy manner.

7. Let it Go
There's a song by Sting that says "If you love somebody, set them free". Enjoy the video. This is probably the most loving thing we can do is to stop trying to get another person to change. The only person we can change is ourselves. We may be at a level to be able to address conflict maturely, but the other person may not.

Now I am not saying I have this all down perfectly. I struggle with some things in this area as well but one of the reasons I write these posts is to help me remember these lessons too.

I hope this post has encouraged you and given you some practical ways to address conflict in your relationships. If you enjoyed this post and would like to join our growing community, enter your email address in the box provided. You'll also receive a copy of my free e-guide entitled "7 Steps to Finding Your Spiritual Path".

Stay tuned for more on how to find healing, wholeness, and harmony in your life and your relationshps so you can discover your destiny and live the life you deserve.

Until next time, keep looking up!

Ariel Paz

The 4 Stages of Attraction: What Makes a Woman Attractive to a Man

Single? Divorced? Widowed? Searching for your soulmate? You're not alone. According to recent reports, there are more than 100 million single Americans. Yet, it's not so easy to find someone you're attracted to, much less compatible with. If you're single, male or female, this post is dedicated to helping the sexes understand what makes us attractive in the eyes of the beholder.

The dating scene can be intimidating but the good news is we can educate ourselves on how we are attracted to the opposite sex so we make more informed choices as to whom we decide to date. Did you know that there are different stages we go through when we are first attracted to someone? What's more, men are attracted at different stages than women. Today's post is dedicated to helping singles understand the four levels of attraction for men. Next time we'll take a look at the four stages for women and be assured, they are not in the same order.

Stage #1: Physical Attraction

We all know that men are visual creatures so it comes as no surprise to learn that guys are attracted at the physical level. This is the first and lowest level of attraction. Young men and even a more mature man on the rebound are attracted at this level. This is stage 1 for a man.

Stage 2: Emotional Attraction

This has to do with a woman's personality; how she relates to the world and others. Some men like a woman with a bubbly personality, others prefer the more quiet type. Some experts say opposites attract when it comes to personality, and from my experience, this could be true in many cases. The question a man asks himself is "Can I be friends with this woman?"

Stage 3: Mental Attraction

When a man takes the time to learn how a woman thinks, feels, and conducts her life, he has reached the third stage of attraction. He is attracted by her character and not just by her body. He will be attracted to the way she thinks, and how she handles the situations of life.

Stage 4: Soul Attraction

You realize this person has what you need to grow. After all, growth is what relationships are ultimately about - the growth of the two individuals and the pair as a unit. The man feels this person is the "One" he is meant to be with for his soul to grow. At this level, a man's heart must be open and he must be willing to fall in love. The ultimate goal of a healthy relationship is to help the other person grow.

Has this post resonated with you? What are your thoughts about these four stages? Are they true for you? It is important for both sexes to understand how men come to fall in love. Next time, we'll talk about the four stages women go through to fall in love which is very different from the order for men.

Stay tuned for more on relationships, dating, and singleness this month.

Do leave a comment, and click the Google icon if you enjoyed this post. Also, sign up for my weekly posts by entering your email in the box provided. You'll also receive a copy of my latest freebie.

Until next time, keep looking up!

Ariel Paz

7 Keys to Making Decisions You Can Trust

Are you always looking to someone or something outside of yourself to give you answers? Do you doubt your decisions or prefer someone else make them for you? Do you waffle a lot when making even the smallest decisions? If this is you, perhaps it is time to reclaim your personal power so today we will talk about gaining confidence in ourselves.

No doubt about it, decision-making can be tough, especially when it comes to important decisions. If we don't trust ourselves, decision-making is even more stressful. When we lose trust in ourselves, we lose our personal power.

How do we lose trust in ourselves?
One way we lose trust in ourselves is by making mistakes that have painful consequences. Our inner judge says "How could you have done that?" "Why did this happen to me?" "You should have seen this coming" etc.

We shame and guilt ourselves over things that were out of our control. Stuff happens - good and bad. Yes, many times we had a part to play but other times, things just happen. We need to accept that bad things happen and that we are not flawed or somehow a bad person because such and such happened to us.

It is important to deal with what happened, heal from it, and then dust ourselves off and get back in the game of life. After many unfortunate circumstances, here are some ways I have learned to regain trust in myself and I'm sharing them with you.

1. Forgive yourself.
The first and most important thing is to mentally and emotionally let yourself off the hook. Give yourself grace. God does. Forgive yourself for whatever mistakes you might have made in the past. Learn the lesson(s) and then move on knowing you learned how to proceed in life in a better way. There is always a lesson to be learned in every trial.

2. Accept personal responsibility for the consequences.
If we want change in our lives, we have to take personal responsibility for our choices and our actions. Our lives will change when we do. It is too easy to blame other people for our problems but this way of thinking does not serve us. By blaming other people or circumstances, we are blinded from the truth that is is our actions and choices that put us where we are. If we are in debt, it is our spending habits that need to be changed. If we are overweight, it is our eating habits that need to be improved.

3. Trust in your ability.
Realize we make lots of decisions everyday, many of which we barely have to think about.
Decision-making is an on-going learning process that builds character. As a single parent, I had to make a lot of decisions raising my sons. Some decisions are bigger than others, but recognize the rewards of making good small decisions and you will become more confident when it comes to making bigger decisions.

4. Look for the positives.
We won't always make the right choice or decision. For example, for years after my divorce, I beat myself up saying "I married the wrong person," like there was something morally wrong with me. Until one day, one of my sons said "Well, Ma, you wouldn't have me if you didn't marry Dad." That put quite a different spin on the subject. Even when we feel like we have made a mistake, good can always come out of it. Don't beat yourself up. Realize this fact: there is no perfect decision. There will always be pluses and minuses. The key is to decide what is most important to you.

5. Don't pressure yourself into making big decisions quickly.
Some decisions such as who to marry, what career to pursue, have life-changing impact. The bigger the decision, the more time I spend on examining the various factors and possibilities. We make decisions based on the amount of information we have available at the time so don't feel pressured to make a decision if you are not 100% comfortable in your answer.

6. Do what is BEST for you.
For many years I was overly concerned about doing "the right thing." Then one day a counselor asked "How did doing the right thing become confused with doing what is best for you?" I really had to think about that. I had put a strick moral restraint on my decision-making process. The bigger the decision, the more time I spend researching all the different factors and possible outcomes. I know I will be the one to have to live with the consequences but I trust that I am making the best possible decision for me.

7. Trust in the Outcome
 Often people don't want to make decisions because they don't want to be held responsible for the outcome. The key is to be confident that no matter what the outcome, we will be okay. We will be able to handle the situation however it turns out. When we let go of the outcome, we free ourselves of the burden and allow God to step in.

 What do you feel led to do recently? Ask yourself what is the next right thing to do and then "Just do it!" as the Nike ad says. See how you feel. When we make a decision  we release the pressure. We feel relief to have made the decision.

If you enjoyed this post, please click the +1 icon. If you'd like to join our community and receive my bi-weekly posts, enter your email address in the box provided. You'll also receive a copy of my free e-guide entitled "7 Steps to Finding Your Spiritual Path".

Until next time, ignite the power within and keep looking up!

Ariel 

10 Reasons to Develop Your Spiritual Muscle

What is it in your life that you worry about? The future? Your health? Your kids? Your job? The stock market? Everytime we turn around there is some other disaster, crisis, or mass shooting that wrenches our heart strings. It's easy to feel hopeless and fearful but who wants to live like that? There is always something in life to stress over and there is a solution to help ease the anxiety that pervades society.

These days there is a lot of poo-pooing the idea of faith and belief in God. Many people have been turned off from "organized religion" and think of God as some strict punishing entity. Perhaps you are one of them. Others believe God is some distant heavenly body out there somewhere yet have no earthly idea how to connect with him. Still others doubt the existence of God as if this intricate created world of ours somehow was blown together by happenstance millions of years ago. I don't think so.

The fact is there is a God and it is up to us to get to know him. One way to do this is by developing the power of Faith. I like to think of Faith as my spiritual muscle. Just as we need to strengthen our physical muscles, we need to strengthen our spiritual muscle as well. Many of us work out and we wouldn't think of missing a yoga class, a run, or a bike ride, yet how often do we attend to the spiritual part of ourselves?

As some of you know, as a single mom of two boys,  I have been through many difficult and painful circumstances. If not for the grace of God and my Faith, I would not be on this earth today. In fact, I used to work with a beautiful single mom who had one son. We used to compare notes and talk about our kids. Often, she looked down and depressed. I tried to encourage her and talk to her about God.

One day, I heard she had died from an overdose of drugs. I attended her funeral. Her son was devastated. This is what hopelessness and despair can do. I did not want to end up like her and I certainly did not want to leave my sons without a mother. When we go through the darkest valleys, there is a better way.

It is the way of Faith.

Faith is what gives us hope to hold on, to keep on, and to stay strong. Life is tough and we were not made to go it alone. God is real and he wants to help us make it through the tough times we inevitably will face. Only God can make our crooked paths straight. Only God can fix the unfixable. Only God.

Here are 10 things Faith in God can do for you:

1) Give us strength to get through the challenges of life

2) Reduce anxiety when we don't know the outcome of events

3) Give us hope when relationships go awry

4) Give us power to achieve our goals and see our dreams come true

5) Give us victory over addictions and bad habits

6) Bring healing to sick minds and bodies despite the medical reports

7) Make miracles happen

8) Move obstacles we cannot move ourselves

9) Protect our children

10) Give us peace in times of crisis

Which of these do you need right now? If you need help developing your spiritual muscle, stay tuned for my upcoming posts. There are simple and doable steps you can take today to get stronger, have less anxiety, and more peace.

If you enjoyed this post and would like to join our community, enter your email address in the box provided. You'll receive my bi-weekly emails plus a copy of my free e-guide entitled "7 Steps to Finding Your Spiritual Path".  We are all on a unique journey and this e-guide gives a step by step process to follow to find yours.

Stay tuned for more on igniting the power within and until next time,

Keep looking up!

Ariel 

Is God Trying to Get Our Attention?

Another shooting. Another tragedy. Floods. Hurricanes. Earthquakes. The list goes on and things are seem to be going from bad to worse.

Many people today don't believe in God. Others believe but don't understand the nature of God and the battle between good and evil. "How could God allow this to happen?" is a question I hear often. My answer is that there is evil in this world. And if you don't believe that, then just turn on the nightly news.

We cannot fully comprehend why God allows terrible things to happen to innocent people but it has been happening since the beginning of time.

We do know that good can come out of a bad situation. People make bad choices because we have free will and a sinful, uncontrolled nature. Now, I don't want to get too deep here, but bear with me.

Much of the bad stuff that happens in our world is a result of:
a) our poor choices or
b) someone else's poor choice. 

If we were all born inherently perfect, as some philosophies claim, then we wouldn't have these bad things happen, now would we?

Remember Noah and the ark? Due to the sin of the people, God sent the great floods to wipe out humanity. All except one faithful family - Noah's. By the way, did you know there is a flood story in every major religion? Interesting, huh? But, I digress. The point is God got disgusted with the way things were going back then and decided to wipe almost everybody out.

Could it be that God is trying to get our attention once again?

Who turns to God when everything is going smoothly? It's usually only when the tough times hit that we run to God in tears. God sees what is going on in the world and I bet he's not too happy. What is it going to take for us to turn to God? How many more acts of violence and disasters have to happen before we cry out and say enough?

God sees the future and knows just what we need to go through in our lives to build our characters and make us stronger. God knows what it takes to get us out of our complacency. Setting things right takes action and effort. It also requires a changed mindset.

Look at World War 2 for example. The United States didn't want to get involved with what was going on in the rest of the world. Meanwhile, Hitler's aggressive and violent policies were murdering thousands of Jews. It was a wake-up call then and perhaps this streak of violence and natural disasters is another one to perhaps not only America but to the world in general. We cannot tolerate violence of any sort and action must be taken.

We may not understand at the time, but eventually we can look back and see good that has come from bad. I know this is true in my life, how about yours?

If this post resonated with you and you'd like to join our community, enter your email address in the box provided. You'll receive my bi-weekly posts plus a copy of my free e-guide entitled "7 Steps to Finding Your Spiritual Path".

Stay tuned for more practical and spiritual wisdom.Your thoughts are always welcome.

Until next time, keep looking up!

Ariel