Take Time to Reflect as the New Year Begins

As the door to 2015 closes and the door to 2016 is opening wide, we can choose to look back, to look forward, or to do both. Some are already thinking of new goals, plans, and projects to accomplish and usually I'm right there with them. As I pondered what I would like to say to you on this last post of 2015, I realized I'm not yet ready to jump full-speed ahead into the New Year. Perhaps you, too, may not be quite ready for 2016.

A lot happens in the course of a year and it is important to take some time to reflect back on all of it. A lot of lessons came my way and I want to make sure I not only remember them, but continue to implement them in 2016. I want to ensure I align my activities with what my priorities are today. I don't want to drift back into the same old patterns out of habit.

Here are some of the lessons I've been shown this year:


Live in  the present moment. 

Honor what I'm feeling first.

Let myself off the hook.

I don't have to understand everything.

It's time to slow down. 

Balance activity with rest. 

I don't have to keep up with the world.  

God's got my back. 

Meditation is important. 

Accept people where they're at. 
 

In this world of over-achievers and perfectionism (myself included), our fast-paced lifestyle and urgent work ethic can take a huge toll on our health, our relationships, and our energy. Sometimes I think about retiring to Brazil where the national motto is "Relax!" They take time to enjoy the beaches, the sultry rhythms of the samba and the bossa nova, and having drinks with friends along the strip. No one is in a rush. 

If you're not ready to usher in the New Year, it's okay. Take your time. Reflect back on what made you smile and brought you joy in 2015. How can you bring more joy into your life in 2016? What made you stressed, upset, pressured? What can you change to be more resilient and have more peace? When we make time to reflect on our lives, we bring more awareness into the present moment and awareness is the first step to transforming our tomorrows. 

If you related to this post and would like to stay in touch, please enter your email address in the box provided. 

Until next time, I wish you a well-chosen New Year. May you soar on wings like eagles and shine like the noon day sun!

Ariel Paz

Why You Should Say "No" to Your Adult Children

Grandparents raising their grandkids. Adult children moving back in with their parents. Parents continuing to pay for their grown children's expenses. Thirty and forty year olds still living with Mom. Any of these sound familiar? I see more and more of these situations and it pains me so much I decided to write a post on the issue.

It's normal for parents to want to help out their kids - to a point. After that point, it becomes an issue of enabling. There I said it. As a recovering codependent, it took me many years to learn this lesson. "I'm just trying to help her". "But he's in ______ (you fill in the blank) trouble/jail/rehab again." "He's my son, for heaven's sake. I can't just let him _____".
Yes, I hear you. It is tough to say no to your kids, but at some point, we are no longer helping them, we are preventing them from taking responsibility for their own choices. In reality, we are hindering them from becoming the responsible adults they are intended to be.

This is not a new problem. In fact, it's been around since ancient times. You know how people say the Bible is irrelevant and outdated? Well, let me share a story and then see what you think.

So you probably have heard of David, of David and Goliath fame, yes? You know how he slayed the giant with a slingshot and a few stones and then went on to become king of Israel after many years of being chased by sour grapes king Saul. Well, King David had several sons. One of them, Amnon, raped his half-sister, Tamar. However, the Bible and the Dead Sea scrolls record that although David was angered, he did nothing about it (2 Sam 13:21) "because he loved him as he was his first-born son." So Absalom, another of David's sons, took things into his own hands, and had Amnon murdered. Again, David did nothing. After several years of separation, David allowed Absalom to come back home. And what did Absalom do then? Plot to overthrow his father, the King, that's what. Long story short, it wasn't until David was on his death-bed that he finally had the courage to stand up to his sons and declare Solomon as his heir.

One of the lessons in this timeless story is that even the best of parents can be too lenient on their adult children. Years of dysfunction, hostility, and hatred resulted because David refused to say no to Amnon's behavior. This story is a warning to parents. We must learn to say "No" to our adult children. In other words, we must learn to put our foot down and say "Enough is enough." Mothers are especially guilty of this because we love so much and perhaps, dare I say, we may lack the courage to stand up to the men in our lives.

Here are a few lessons I have learned and for you to consider if you find yourself in a similar situation:
1) Realize our children are adults first, relatives second. Treat your adult child as you would any other non-related adult.
2) Break the habit of saying "Yes" sooner, rather than later.
3) Realize you are enabling your child, rather than helping him/her to grow up.
4) Loving your kids means teaching them responsibility, not dependency.
5) Supportive means emotionally, not financially after age 30 or maybe even sooner.

Sometimes the hardest choices we make have to do with our own family members. But remember what Jesus said when asked who were his brothers and sisters and mother. His reply was "Those who do the will of my Father." Doing the right thing is usually the hardest thing to do.

I'd like to hear your thoughts on this issue. What situation have you encountered when you have said "Yes" when you really should have said "No"? How did you feel after? What can you do differently next time?

For your free copy of my "7 Steps to Finding Your Spiritual Path" enter your email in the box and I'll get it right out to you.

With love and encouragement remember to keep the faith and keep looking up! Everything works for our good.

Ariel Paz

One Thing Missing from the Law of Attraction

What is it that you want to "attract" into your life today? Riches? Love? A bigger home or a new car? Better health? What will you do to get these things? Work more hours? Join an internet dating site? Think positive thoughts?

There are many belief systems out there that tell us how to receive the desires of our hearts. One of them is called "The law of attraction" which gained immense popularity in 2006 with the book entitled "The Secret". The basic premise of the book is that we can attract whatever we desire in our lives simply by thinking about it. The book promises that by focusing on the object of our desires, things such as money and relationships will "magically" appear in our lives.

The interesting thing is this book has sold over 6 million copies in many different languages and has spawned a whole series of books along these lines. Millions of people adhere to this concept. The law of attraction is a modern twist on the "The Power of Positive Thinking", a classic book by Norman Vincent Peale with one major difference. 
 
Last weekend I was visiting the mall and decided to have my hair straightened at one of those kiosks that sell flat irons. So there I am in the chair ready to be beautified when the young lady straightening my hair, perhaps 20 maybe 22 years of age, starts asking about my relationship status. I don't know why, but people always seem to be very interested in that topic for some reason.

"I'm single," I replied.

"Well, you need to start thinking about Mr. Wonderful and start expecting him to appear at any moment."

She's talking about Faith - believing in what has not yet been seen. I smiled.

But no, during the entire conversation there was not one mention of God. She went on to explain to me about how the law of attraction works. Now I am somewhat familiar with the concept and what struck me was the fact that she was the  second gal I had met in the past two weeks who believed in the law of attraction. Was I attracting these people to me, I wondered? Or vice versa? Was I supposed to talk to them about God? God seems to have a funny way of matching me up with people who don't believe in Him like Buddhists, fallen away Jews, etc. Anyway.

Now I am all for thinking positive thoughts, believe me. In fact, scripture exhorts us to think on good things: "Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable--if anything is excellent or praiseworthy--think about such things." (Phil 4:8). So in that regard, the law of attraction is in agreement with scripture.

However, one key ingredient that the law of attraction seems to be missing is the importance of God. God has the starring role in our blessings. James 1:17 says "Every good and perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of the heavenly lights,".  Notice the word "every" and then notice the word "Father".

We are all on our own path and we each have our own journey in life. So who is to say, perhaps when we think more positively we do attract more good things into our lives. But could it be because God is rewarding us for changing our thinking? On the other hand, how many people have thought about winning the lottery but have yet to do so? So we cannot say that the law of attraction works every time, can we?

So now I ask you - do you believe in the law of attraction? Do you believe that simply by thinking about your desires they will appear in your life?Or do you believe that there is a God who wants the best for us and is more than willing to bless his children according to his will for our lives? I would love to hear what you have to say about this topic.

If you'd like to receive your free guide entitled "7 Steps to Finding Your Spiritual Path" please enter your email in the box to the right. It is what I call a non-denominational guide for anyone who'd like to seek and grow their spiritual life.

 Until next time, keep looking up and remember - good things happen to those who wait upon the Lord.

Ariel

How to Communicate with a Difficult Family Member

Ever wonder why you were born into your family? Why you can't seem to get along with a particular relative? Or avoid certain people because you can't see eye to eye? Do you keep attracting the same type of people into your life? Difficulties in relationships are normal. In fact, to a greater degree than we realize, conflicts and misunderstandings are meant to teach us something, if we take the time to seek out the lesson. If not, we will keep encountering the same types of people. Ever notice that? How then to deal with these difficult people in our lives so we can have more peace and less frustration?

I know what you're thinking - avoid them - that's the easy answer. As in most situations in life, the easy answer is usually not the best answer. It is easy to blame the other person or say "We just don't get along". It takes effort to get to the root cause of the difficulty and then try to find a solution. But if we want to preserve our relationships, and family relationships should be preserved, if I dare say so, we have to put some work into them. The good news is this means we are going to grow. I also believe growth is the primary reason we have difficult relationships. If we got along with everybody, we would have no need to change, right? Let me give you a recent example of a situation that happened with my mom and see if you can relate.

My mom is 86 years old and lives by herself in a big house a plane ride away out of state. After a recent incident that happened when she was getting out of the pool, I thought it might be time to have the "maybe you should consider selling the house" conversation. Now my intentions were out of pure concern for her well-being. I know what it's like to have to take care of a house all by yourself and she is 86! I tried to help her see the benefits of downsizing while she is still in relatively good health but by the tone and volume of her voice, it was clear she was not keen on the idea. Then she says she felt like I was pressuring her. Now I know I can get passionate about things, especially when it comes to people I care about so perhaps that came through and was misinterpreted. For some reason, I didn't realize it was time to disengage. The frustration level was rising because I felt she didn't understand that I was sincerely trying to help her. Let's just say the conversation was not very productive and I'm sure both of us were equally frustrated. Ever have a conversation that went like this?

Of course, we all have. So what to do about it to prevent a future recurrence? Here are 5 take-aways on how to handle difficult conversations:


1) When the other person's voice is going up, speak in an equally quiet tone to deescalate the emotion.

2) When having a "crucial conversation" be sure to keep my emotions under control even if attacked.

3) Realize no one wants to be told what to do at any age.

4) Make the suggestion and then let it drop. Don't keep giving more reasons for my side of the issue.

5) Take some time off to cool down and think things through rationally.

Life will continue to present us with challenging situations otherwise known as opportunities for growth. So when we blow it one day, remember tomorrow is a new day. Forgive yourself, forgive the other person, and take the time to understand how the situation could have been handled differently. Life is a school and we are here to learn.

Who in your circle is difficult to deal with? Do you avoid this person at all costs or simply maintain a casually cool relationship with them? How could you interact with this person differently and more lovingly? In the end, learning to love one another is what all of this is about. How can I be kind in this situation? How can I show this person love and respect?

If this post has resonated with you or has been helpful, please post a comment below and click the +1 google icon at the top. If you'd like to receive your free copy of my mini e-book entitled "7 Steps to Finding Your Spiritual Path" enter your email address in the box to the right.

Until next time, keep looking up!

Ariel

Are You a Highly Sensitive Person?

Have you ever been called "too sensitive"? Do you get overwhelmed by crowds, noise, bright lights, excessive talking? Have people accused you of being "unsociable"? If so, you may be, like me, one of the 20% of the population who have the personality trait now known as "highly sensitive personality". Never heard of it? Well read on.

All my life I have been labeled "shy", "timid", "too sensitive". As a child, I cried the first time I saw my shadow. I cried when I saw the dead chickens in the meat case at the market. My mother recognized I was clearly different but treated me as if this trait was something negative. I felt shamed by the fact that I cried easily. I would tear up when I saw someone's car on fire. I would imagine how I would feel if it were happening to me. Other people would ask me why I was crying with a disdainful look. As a result, I learned to ignore and suppress my feelings. When I felt uncomfortable, I would just put up with it, instead of speaking up and this caused me tremendous emotional pain. Until one day....

I saw a magazine with this title "Are You a Highly Sensitive Person or Do You know One?" I couldn't believe it. The title jumped right out at me and I said "That's me. That 's me!" As I read the article, the description resonated with me. I said "I'm not the only one." There was a counselor in town who specialized in this area. My son jumped on it and said "We're going to see her." Bless his heart.

Highly sensitive people (HSPs) are misunderstood by the world. There is now enough solid scientific research and studies that show this personality trait exists in both men and women. Things bother us that others brush off. "Oh, get a thicker skin," is easier said than done for us. We feel things so much more intensely than the rest of the world. We get overwhelmed by all the stimuli coming at us when the rest of the world thrives on stimuli. One time I was out with a guy I was dating and we entered a packed restaurant. As there were no seats, he suggested we sit at the bar, with the televisions and lights blaring. "How about if we sit outside?" I suggested and thankfully we found a table out in a quieter area.

HSPs have a nervous system that is more receptive to external input. We also process things at a deeper level which explains why many of us suffer from things like migraine. Migraine is a threshold condition that signals our bodies and brains are on overload. But all is not lost. HSP's have many valuable qualities as well such as being extremely intuitive, creative, and caring. We also feel love and joy much more deeply as well. We have to take the good with the bad, as my mom would always say.

I'm writing this post to extend awareness of this personality trait. It is not a psychology neurosis as some would assume. For more information about this type of personality check out this website. If you or someone you know is sensitive, do yourself and them a favor and learn more.

If you enjoyed this post and found it helpful, please click on the google +1 icon, leave a comment, or enter your email address in the box provided. I'll send you my short guide entitled "7 Steps to Finding Your Spiritual Path. Until next time, keep looking up!

Ariel

How to Prepare for the Next Crisis

Ever feel like life is one crisis after another? Does watching the evening news make you anxious and fearful? Ever wish things would just settle down and stay static for a while? I know I do but I don't think it's going to happen anytime soon. In fact, it seems like things are coming at us at even faster speeds.

The crises we face in life are opportunities to see how we react and to test and grow our character. The difficult part is most of the time we are blind-sided by these events: an unexpected death or illness, a financial loss, a relationship shatters. Then what? If we have not strengthened our spiritual muscle, we are in for a rough time. So today, I'm going to share with you the importance of strengthening your spiritual muscle. Didn't know you had one? Then read on.

In the same way athletes strengthen their physical muscles for more intense workouts, we too must train our spiritual muscle for the ever-increasing challenges life presents. Deep within each of us lies a seed. This seed is the birthplace of our greatest power. It is our secret weapon against the trials and tribulations of life. It is the key to keeping our joy and our peace despite difficult circumstances. It is crucial to maintaining hope in the midst of great loss or disappointment. Without a strong spiritual muscle, we are tossed to and fro in the tsunamis of life's sudden difficulties. We moan and groan. We get depressed. We lose hope and we lose faith. There will always be difficult circumstances to deal with but we can prepare ourselves to handle them in a much more positive way.

I was having dinner with an old friend last night who had recently married. As she shared all the joys of marriage, she also shared how her health had deteriorated and how she is in much pain. I felt so badly for her. As a ballroom dancer for many years, she has always been active and now she can barely walk without pain. Yet her conversation was full of joy and hope and she focused on all the blessings in her life and her upcoming travels. That my friends, is what a spiritual muscle does for you.

It's about focusing on the good things in our lives, rather than the negatives. It's about realizing we all go through storms, but the storms will pass and there will be blue skies once again. It's about knowing there is a loving and caring God who understands the suffering we go through. It's about looking forward into the future with hope and anticipation despite the current obstacles.

Faith is the positive belief of things not yet seen. Faith says not only do I believe God can get me through his, I believe He will get me through this. Faith is what Winston Churchill instilled in his famous speech when he said "Never, never give up!" Every trial we go through is an opportunity to learn more about ourselves, others, and God. It gives God a chance to prove His faithfulness to us. It gives us a chance to see God move in our lives. It really is quite an amazing thing to encounter.

As a single divorced mom, I was faced with many difficult circumstances. I dealt with addictions, financial disaster, depression and anxiety, the effects of being raised in an alcoholic home as well as an emotionally abusive and unavailable spouse. I know what it's like to face major challenges unprepared, so I want to encourage you to take steps today to strengthen your secret weapon so you will be better equipped to face the inevitable crises that will arise in your life.

The storms will rage all around us, but we do not have to allow ourselves to be continuously tossed about. We can remain anchored and steady, knowing the storms are sent for our ultimate good. What storm or challenge are you facing today? Are you sinking in the depths of despair and lost hope? If so, take heart. You will get through it and you will be stronger for it. If this post encouraged you, please click the +1 Google icon, leave a comment, or forward to a friend who may need some encouragement.

Until next time, keep looking up!

Ariel

The Dangerous Pull of Strong Emotions

Emotions are powerful. Think of how you feel when someone cuts you off in traffic, you watch a baby being born, or your favorite team wins the game. These emotions can be very strong at times, almost overwhelming. Emotions can be our friends or our enemies. They can motivate us to climb mountains and they can drag us into the pit of despair. Emotions can motivate us to pursue relationships or leave them. What I want to talk about today is how important it is to learn to pause and reflect before acting out of emotion so we can make conscious choices.

I've read that when we get emotional, a different part of our brain (the right hemisphere known as the limbic system) takes over and the more logical left hemisphere stops working. Logic and emotion are two opposing forces. We've all heard the old adage about the head and the heart, right? Which of these do we allow to influence us in our decision-making?

A recent example of out-of-control emotions is the Baltimore riots. People expressed their long-pent-up frustrations and anger in violent and destructive ways. Emotions are contagious, especially negative emotions such as anger and hostility. Another factor is how deeply we experience our emotions.

Some people feel their emotions more strongly than others. I know, because I am one of them. I feel deeply which can be both a good and a bad thing. I have learned, however, that my emotions are something I have control over. I don't have to allow - say allow - them to control my actions. I can take a step back and think. I had a situation recently where I had the opportunity to practice what I'm preaching here.

As you may know, I am a single lady looking for my soul mate. I recently went on a few dates with a new guy we'll call C. We met online and corresponded a few times, then talked on the phone. I decided to give him a chance. Well, he kept trying to kiss me telling me how attracted he was to me, ya da ya da ya da. Now I appreciate the attention, but as they say, flattery will get you nowhere. So I explained to him gently that I prefer to get to know someone better before I go the physical route. I know how physical men are and that's fine, but women are like ovens. They take a while longer to heat up.

Anyway, the point of the story was, being the analytical ex-IT person I am, I was evaluating the different aspects of this person. I have to admit I was tempted to kiss the guy, but I held back. Kissing can form an intimate connection when someone feels as deeply as I do so I don't jump into it lightly these days. After three dates, I became aware of several aspects of this gentleman that I did not think would make for a long-term match and ended the relationship. Point being, I did not allow my emotions to override my logical thinking and was able to make a conscious choice regarding whether to pursue a relationship with this person.

When we allow our strong feelings to control us, we often make decisions and choices we later regret. Emotions can cloud our judgment and cause us to make poor decisions. This applies to business situations as well as personal relationships. Our emotions can control us or we can learn to control them. The key is to recognize what is going on and stop the train before it derails. Sometimes emotions can rise up in us that have nothing to do with the situation at hand. Have you ever exploded at your kids when you got home from a frustrating day at the office? There you go.

Emotional intelligence is understanding both the source and the impact of our emotions.

For Reflection:
1. Ask myself "What am I feeling?"
2. What is causing me to feel this way?
3. Is this what I really want to do?

The next time you feel overcome with strong emotion, take a step back. Ask yourself the above questions before taking action. What do you think of the thoughts presented here today? Love to hear your feedback so please leave a comment below, on Facebook, or Twitter @ArielPaz08.

Until next time, keep looking up!

Ariel Paz